Last night I got my eyes dilated about 30 minutes before watching the results show, so sitting down and typing out a recap wasn't going to happen. Instead I chose to focus on my new bottle of mango infused vodka (refreshing with a nice splash of lemonade).
GROUP SONG: I'm glad a Travis Tritt made it onto the show this year. I was worried that with no true country singers in the cast that his down home mullett-y good times would be ignored. Oh, but then they started singing - and we learn that Travis Tritt is not meant to be performed by a co-ed ensemble. I did my best to block out the singing (although the harmonies during the girls' verse were nice) and the step touch and focus on the fact that Napoleon's piano WAS NOT MIC-ED. That's right kids, the cool piano licks you heard? Not played by him. So now he's got a ghost pianist in the band. Awesome. Let's keep fooling America as long as we can, ok?
JUDGMENT: Two nights in a row of semi-normal glasses for DWDJr. But this brings to mind the question - just how many pairs does he own? Is he spending his weekly allowance on frames?
CAMEOS: Love to Brad Paisley, but couldn't he rock something a little harder for Idol? A weepy ballad is not the way to drive record sales.
I think it's nice to bring out former Idols. It shows the current cast just how it should be done - and how much they are seriously lacking. But I worry. Who is going to pull out the Kenley Collins Hair Feather(TM) so they can be more like Carrie? (My bet is on WickedSiriano.) Since I don't like to make fun of Carrie, I will say that I enjoy the new haircut, enjoy the song, but wonder why Randy actually needed to be there? What did he sing? Like 24 bars? Clearly it was transposed to hit Carrie's money notes, so if it's too high for you, man, just sit there and play the guitar. None of us will mind. In fact, we'll feel better not thinking that the two of you are in love. (Randy's looking old, dawg.)
RESULTS: Roughneck dodged a bullet, huh? Apparently the people love him. Next week, I fully expect him to come out waving an American flag. I'm only a little sad that Jane had to go...my Manic Panic stock is going to plummet.
NEXT WEEK: Did Seacrest sound a little mad at the President for preempting the Tuesday show? I think he did. Maybe he really likes to watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights.
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Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Idol Top 11: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
I was really ready for tonight to be a Texas-sized disaster (you know, like the practice of burying meat in the ground and then calling it BBQ), but it wasn't terrible. Here is my one complaint from every season's country night: put away the damn steel guitar.
That's right - unless one of the contestants is planning to be a country artist, the steel has no business in the arrangement. Do you hear me, Rickey? They're trying to make these pop songs, and you are not helping.
Roughneck (Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up - Garth Brooks): This is an awesome song. It's even more awesome if you can understand the words. The voice teacher in me got angry and wrote OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH and then spent the entire song underlining it. Plus he breezed right through the awesome slide up to the money note which is the best part of the song. I'm skeptical, Roughneck. Skeptical.
Charo (Blame It on Your Heart - Patty Loveless): OK, you've all wanted me to be nicer to Little Miss Charo. And now it's happening. I had been tired of all the blatant Glocksen-ing, but tonight Charo gave me something different - and I liked it. It says a lot when an Idol cover of a song that I already enjoyed immensely doesn't make me physically angry. You're not getting my vote this week, but you're getting a pass.
OBSERVATION #1: Seriously, why hasn't anyone talked to these backup singers? They're awful.
Tender Puppy (To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks): Props to Bob Dylan for writing a song that every artist known to man wants to cover. Still, I feel like this is kind of a cop out. Who hasn't sang this song? Since I already own five separate versions, including recordings by two Opry members and Kelly Clarkson, I'm not going to shell out 99 cents for you this week. It was nice - but I've spent the last 10 minutes singing "Tender Shepard" from Peter Pan, so maybe next time you go with something more memorable and Mraz-y. Don't make me feel bad for voting for you.
Lil Disappointing (Independence Day - Martina McBride): As soon as I heard the fateful words "I really wanted to stay faithful to the country music" I knew we were in for some bad news. Is this what all the hype was leading up to? Here's a thought: On a night when we're all already thinking about Carrie Underwood, maybe you don't choose her favorite song. I really hadn't written anything except "This would have been an ok R&B song" until Randy said the most asinine thing I've ever heard: "Man, you could have sung I Will Always Love You." What? WHAT?! That's the one song contestants should NEVER sing on country night. Because they will steal Whitney's version and will pay no respect to Dolly except for saying "It's a great song." (Ahem - Syesha - I'm talking to you.) And it's amazing that one three minute judges critique can make me lose all respect for Randy, and then gain even more for Simon for knowing about R&B groups covering John Michael Montgomery songs. In fact, Lil D, I'm so riled up (and annoyed at your incessant arguing) I've forgotten your performance. And hopefully, so has the rest of America.
WickedRaverSiriano (Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash): Oh come on. I'm with Randy Travis. This was weird. And creepy. And not good. I don't like the way you look at the camera when you're singing "it burns." I immediately wonder if you are talking about syphilis. (Note - I just looked up syphilis symptoms and there is NOTHING about a burning sensation. Now I am mad at you for your song and for ruining my commentary.) And while Randy was busy saying that you're current and young, I was busy underlining Simon's "indulgent rubbish" quote and following it with "Britney Spears would totally cover this song." And all of a sudden, everything becomes clear to me.
OBSERVATION #2: I miss Fringe.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Wild Angels - Martina McBride): Did anyone else notice that for 95% of this performance, the screens on the floor and back wall only showed Napoleon's hands? That's because there is NOTHING GOING ON IN HIS FACE. Dude, I know you can't see, but you look like a robot. And if you had any of the charisma of Billy Joel or Elton John, then I would let you slide by every week behind the piano. But no - I am agreeing with Paula. You need to break it up with a different performance - and that way, maybe America will understand that you need to be eliminated.
Jane Mancini (Jolene - Dolly Parton): I was worried for you, Jane. Brooke White did a knock out version of this last season, and it just seems too soon. But I actually enjoyed most of this blues-y version. Not too Dolly, not too White Stripes, it was just the right amount of Joss Stone jazz (although that falsetto note was not so great - way to make me write "ish" after the word "nice" in my notes). But wait - the judges want you to be more dirrty? THAT'S SHOCKING. They're not going to be happy until you bust out some XTina and wear a nude bodysuit covered in rhinestones are they? My advice: lose the pink, dye it all red, and give us a little less Jane and a little more Sydney. It doesn't get dirtier than that.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood): Stop trying to inspire me DWD. And tuck in your shirt. This was better than when La Kisha made a big ol' country mess of it a few years ago, but I'm still only focusing on the fact that this week's glasses are a lot more normal than in past weeks. Thank you.
OBSERVATION #3: Yes, I remember a lot of the performances from the past seasons, especially if I downloaded them. But sometimes they just sound familiar and I have to look them up. God love the internet.
Slumdog Idol (You Were Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson): Guess what? Willie Nelson? Not in the Opry. Which makes this cheating. Because so far, I haven't been able to find proof that Johnny even recorded it - I think he just played the guitar for Willie on VH-1 Storytellers. (Which brings about the question, why isn't Willie a member? Is he just too high for the Opry?) Anyway. I started to like this song at first...I even thought maybe I'd buy it on the I-tunes. And then it just turned way too All-4-One for me. You know, the guys who covered the aforementioned JMM tracks "I Swear" and "I Can Love You Like That." Do people still go for that John B vibe? I'm not so sure.
BlondBjork (Walking After Midnight - Patsy Cline): How is it that there has been no tattoo backlash a la Carly? Is it because we don't see a boyfriend in the audience who has a completely inked-in face? Interesting. Wait. Right. Song. Um, sure this was good. And the voice sounded strangely like Katie Neidenbach's when she came in from a long night of drinking and smoking at the Pike house. Which is why it was perfect that the judges got all Dr. Barton and asked her to keep it. (He actually told all of us to keep our sick voices, which just goes to show...well, nothing really. But it's good to know he's not alone.) I'm wondering if the sexy dress and the raising of the roof are enough to keep you around for one more week.
Howl At the Moon: (So Small - Carrie Underwood): Ugh. Why this song? Boring. No, it's OK. Ooh, I wish the orchestra wasn't coming in with those whiny strings. And the backup singers. I wish they would go away. They ruin everything. GLISS! OK, I'm totally buying this - ANOTHER GLISS! That was a seriously kick-ass performance. Rewind. Repeat. Yeah, I go nuts for a good gliss. But when you throw two in there? Well it doesn't get better than that. And nice that after my second viewing of this performance, we are all treated to Kara crowing "There is nothing small about you!" Oh my.
OBSERVATION #4: Are men's necklaces back in? Was there some sort of memo?
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil Dis
WILL GO: Roughneck
P.S. Special thanks to MJ for posting the order and the correct song titles, so I didn't have rely on Seacrest to tell me the real titles.
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That's right - unless one of the contestants is planning to be a country artist, the steel has no business in the arrangement. Do you hear me, Rickey? They're trying to make these pop songs, and you are not helping.
Roughneck (Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up - Garth Brooks): This is an awesome song. It's even more awesome if you can understand the words. The voice teacher in me got angry and wrote OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH and then spent the entire song underlining it. Plus he breezed right through the awesome slide up to the money note which is the best part of the song. I'm skeptical, Roughneck. Skeptical.
Charo (Blame It on Your Heart - Patty Loveless): OK, you've all wanted me to be nicer to Little Miss Charo. And now it's happening. I had been tired of all the blatant Glocksen-ing, but tonight Charo gave me something different - and I liked it. It says a lot when an Idol cover of a song that I already enjoyed immensely doesn't make me physically angry. You're not getting my vote this week, but you're getting a pass.
OBSERVATION #1: Seriously, why hasn't anyone talked to these backup singers? They're awful.
Tender Puppy (To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks): Props to Bob Dylan for writing a song that every artist known to man wants to cover. Still, I feel like this is kind of a cop out. Who hasn't sang this song? Since I already own five separate versions, including recordings by two Opry members and Kelly Clarkson, I'm not going to shell out 99 cents for you this week. It was nice - but I've spent the last 10 minutes singing "Tender Shepard" from Peter Pan, so maybe next time you go with something more memorable and Mraz-y. Don't make me feel bad for voting for you.
Lil Disappointing (Independence Day - Martina McBride): As soon as I heard the fateful words "I really wanted to stay faithful to the country music" I knew we were in for some bad news. Is this what all the hype was leading up to? Here's a thought: On a night when we're all already thinking about Carrie Underwood, maybe you don't choose her favorite song. I really hadn't written anything except "This would have been an ok R&B song" until Randy said the most asinine thing I've ever heard: "Man, you could have sung I Will Always Love You." What? WHAT?! That's the one song contestants should NEVER sing on country night. Because they will steal Whitney's version and will pay no respect to Dolly except for saying "It's a great song." (Ahem - Syesha - I'm talking to you.) And it's amazing that one three minute judges critique can make me lose all respect for Randy, and then gain even more for Simon for knowing about R&B groups covering John Michael Montgomery songs. In fact, Lil D, I'm so riled up (and annoyed at your incessant arguing) I've forgotten your performance. And hopefully, so has the rest of America.
WickedRaverSiriano (Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash): Oh come on. I'm with Randy Travis. This was weird. And creepy. And not good. I don't like the way you look at the camera when you're singing "it burns." I immediately wonder if you are talking about syphilis. (Note - I just looked up syphilis symptoms and there is NOTHING about a burning sensation. Now I am mad at you for your song and for ruining my commentary.) And while Randy was busy saying that you're current and young, I was busy underlining Simon's "indulgent rubbish" quote and following it with "Britney Spears would totally cover this song." And all of a sudden, everything becomes clear to me.
OBSERVATION #2: I miss Fringe.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Wild Angels - Martina McBride): Did anyone else notice that for 95% of this performance, the screens on the floor and back wall only showed Napoleon's hands? That's because there is NOTHING GOING ON IN HIS FACE. Dude, I know you can't see, but you look like a robot. And if you had any of the charisma of Billy Joel or Elton John, then I would let you slide by every week behind the piano. But no - I am agreeing with Paula. You need to break it up with a different performance - and that way, maybe America will understand that you need to be eliminated.
Jane Mancini (Jolene - Dolly Parton): I was worried for you, Jane. Brooke White did a knock out version of this last season, and it just seems too soon. But I actually enjoyed most of this blues-y version. Not too Dolly, not too White Stripes, it was just the right amount of Joss Stone jazz (although that falsetto note was not so great - way to make me write "ish" after the word "nice" in my notes). But wait - the judges want you to be more dirrty? THAT'S SHOCKING. They're not going to be happy until you bust out some XTina and wear a nude bodysuit covered in rhinestones are they? My advice: lose the pink, dye it all red, and give us a little less Jane and a little more Sydney. It doesn't get dirtier than that.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood): Stop trying to inspire me DWD. And tuck in your shirt. This was better than when La Kisha made a big ol' country mess of it a few years ago, but I'm still only focusing on the fact that this week's glasses are a lot more normal than in past weeks. Thank you.
OBSERVATION #3: Yes, I remember a lot of the performances from the past seasons, especially if I downloaded them. But sometimes they just sound familiar and I have to look them up. God love the internet.
Slumdog Idol (You Were Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson): Guess what? Willie Nelson? Not in the Opry. Which makes this cheating. Because so far, I haven't been able to find proof that Johnny even recorded it - I think he just played the guitar for Willie on VH-1 Storytellers. (Which brings about the question, why isn't Willie a member? Is he just too high for the Opry?) Anyway. I started to like this song at first...I even thought maybe I'd buy it on the I-tunes. And then it just turned way too All-4-One for me. You know, the guys who covered the aforementioned JMM tracks "I Swear" and "I Can Love You Like That." Do people still go for that John B vibe? I'm not so sure.
BlondBjork (Walking After Midnight - Patsy Cline): How is it that there has been no tattoo backlash a la Carly? Is it because we don't see a boyfriend in the audience who has a completely inked-in face? Interesting. Wait. Right. Song. Um, sure this was good. And the voice sounded strangely like Katie Neidenbach's when she came in from a long night of drinking and smoking at the Pike house. Which is why it was perfect that the judges got all Dr. Barton and asked her to keep it. (He actually told all of us to keep our sick voices, which just goes to show...well, nothing really. But it's good to know he's not alone.) I'm wondering if the sexy dress and the raising of the roof are enough to keep you around for one more week.
Howl At the Moon: (So Small - Carrie Underwood):
OBSERVATION #4: Are men's necklaces back in? Was there some sort of memo?
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil Dis
WILL GO: Roughneck
P.S. Special thanks to MJ for posting the order and the correct song titles, so I didn't have rely on Seacrest to tell me the real titles.
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Thursday, March 12, 2009
Idol Top 13: My Life Would Suck Without Kelly
As I was driving home at 12:15 last night, all I wanted to do was go to bed. But I perservered for you people - I wouldn't want anyone to go without their second weekly dose of vitriol. Sadly, I'm not that angry about last night - but don't worry - I can always summon up a little bit of angst when it counts.
GROUP SONG: This could have been a disaster - as soon as everyone jumped off the couch, I started to worry: Where's the chair for Napoleon to sit on? How is he going to dance? Is he just going to wander around like a lost puppy? Luckily, no one fell off the stage (a real concern with this group), but don't think I didn't notice Menudo singing a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG than everyone else. (How do I know this? Everyone else is sustaining a long note, and his mouth keeps moving - fast - what's Spanish for "watermelon"?)
Don't even get me started about the DWDowney Jr. dance break. I half expected everyone to gather around him in a circle chanting "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!" as if he were Tiffany and Teddy doing the humpty dance at homecoming (ah, high school in the 90's). However, what is acceptable (and awesome) when one is 17 and in a darkened cafeteria is not acceptable when one is 28 and on national television. Remember that, kids.
JUDGMENT: I can tell that Chuck Taylors are going to be the bane of my existence this season. Well, that and the ever-changing colors of DWD's glasses. Come on, dude. Come on.
CAMEOS: So I started to fast forward right after Kanye decided to bend down and blind me with the backlight. And then I pushed pause for a second. What is that in his back pocket? Is that a...towel? Is he planning on getting that sweaty during a three minute song? And why is he dressed like a reject from The Outsiders? Sorry, Ponyboy - I'm fast forwarding to the end.
Kelly, I love you. And while we're on the subject, let me take a moment to plug the new cd - especially tracks #2, #4, and #5. Anyone who wants to try and judge the original American Idol, go ahead. I'm not going to do it.
RESULTS: Yeah, that sounds about right. At least, it matched my prediction. Although this "Sing For Your Life" nonsense is just another cruel way to make mediocre singers think they have a second chance. Did HSM3 really think she was up to JHud standards? Is Menudo the Latin Daughtry? Oooh. Suspenseful. (As if the judges are really going to waste their ONE Get Out of Jail Free card on you two.)
NEXT WEEK: Will the producers decide there are just so many awesome MJ songs that they'll extend the category for another week a la BeatlesGate 2008? Will Lil Disappointing (thanks Jeremy) ever live up to the hype? Will Napoleon continue his (guided) Sanjaya march to the top 10? And how long before WickedRaVeRSiriano becomes a spokesperson for ProActive?
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GROUP SONG: This could have been a disaster - as soon as everyone jumped off the couch, I started to worry: Where's the chair for Napoleon to sit on? How is he going to dance? Is he just going to wander around like a lost puppy? Luckily, no one fell off the stage (a real concern with this group), but don't think I didn't notice Menudo singing a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG than everyone else. (How do I know this? Everyone else is sustaining a long note, and his mouth keeps moving - fast - what's Spanish for "watermelon"?)
Don't even get me started about the DWDowney Jr. dance break. I half expected everyone to gather around him in a circle chanting "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!" as if he were Tiffany and Teddy doing the humpty dance at homecoming (ah, high school in the 90's). However, what is acceptable (and awesome) when one is 17 and in a darkened cafeteria is not acceptable when one is 28 and on national television. Remember that, kids.
JUDGMENT: I can tell that Chuck Taylors are going to be the bane of my existence this season. Well, that and the ever-changing colors of DWD's glasses. Come on, dude. Come on.
CAMEOS: So I started to fast forward right after Kanye decided to bend down and blind me with the backlight. And then I pushed pause for a second. What is that in his back pocket? Is that a...towel? Is he planning on getting that sweaty during a three minute song? And why is he dressed like a reject from The Outsiders? Sorry, Ponyboy - I'm fast forwarding to the end.
Kelly, I love you. And while we're on the subject, let me take a moment to plug the new cd - especially tracks #2, #4, and #5. Anyone who wants to try and judge the original American Idol, go ahead. I'm not going to do it.
RESULTS: Yeah, that sounds about right. At least, it matched my prediction. Although this "Sing For Your Life" nonsense is just another cruel way to make mediocre singers think they have a second chance. Did HSM3 really think she was up to JHud standards? Is Menudo the Latin Daughtry? Oooh. Suspenseful. (As if the judges are really going to waste their ONE Get Out of Jail Free card on you two.)
NEXT WEEK: Will the producers decide there are just so many awesome MJ songs that they'll extend the category for another week a la BeatlesGate 2008? Will Lil Disappointing (thanks Jeremy) ever live up to the hype? Will Napoleon continue his (guided) Sanjaya march to the top 10? And how long before WickedRaVeRSiriano becomes a spokesperson for ProActive?
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Idol Top 13: Burn This Disco Out
It was really hard to muster up the urge to watch tonight's Michael Jackson extravaganza. After all, I spent my entire ride home from work singing "I Do Not Hook Up" at the top of my lungs. That's right, I bought the new Kelly Clarkson cd this morning. Then again, last week I bought Phil Stacey and Ace Young cds for $2.50 each at Circuit City's clearance sale just to see how bad they could be. So I'm 1 for 3 on good Idol purchases for this season.
That's about the same percentage of songs I'll be buying from the I-Tunes tonight. Because a lot of people were much better than I expected, but when you get down to it, I just don't want to listen to their music. Starting with:
I KNOW SHE WENT FIRST AND TIVO CUT OFF THE RECAP, BUT DON'T FORGET SHE'S THE BEST SINGER EVER, SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER (The Way You Make Me Feel): Just to be clear, I'm not a huge fan. The various capital nicknames are all attributed to the producers' blatant pimping. But tonight IKSWFATCOTRBDFSTBSES really kind of faded into the background. Sure, when she was finished and a whole night of crap loomed in front of us, I figured the judges would be talking about her for the next two hours. And I bet she was counting on that too. But, oh guess what, IKSWF, everyone else didn't suck like you thought they would. So take your asymmetrical shirt from the Paula Abdul Steinmart collection and go listen to Mindy Doo's new album. Haven't heard it? Neither has anyone else. But that's what you're destined for: a number three finish. And PS, Memphis BBQ sucks.
Napolean Blond-O-Mite (Keep the Faith): OK, I'm the first to admit that my hair isn't looking stellar these days, but come on. Your excuse of not being able to see yourself in the mirror is gone. Can't the stylists do something about your Garfunkel madness? "But wait," you say, "it's a music competition, right?" All right then - you had a nice moment of falsetto, a decent modulation and I'm always a sucker for a good piano gliss. But your performance was so damn boring that I fell asleep and am chalking it all up to a bad dream. Stevie Wonder, you ain't.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (PYT): Wow. I was really expecting a soulful "She's Out of My Life" or "The Lady In My Life" or "I Just Can't Stop Loving You." But this was a welcome surprise. And the winner of "The First Idol Single Micky Plans To Purchase" award. (I know, I still love Apost'ro'phe's Delilah, but it was a live version, so it's different.) There really wasn't a single part of this performance that I didn't like (and yes, that includes the dancing). Even your red Sally Jessy glasses worked with your red shirt. But then in the end, you had to ruin it by showing us that your sleeves were not only turned inside out, they're ripped at the wrists. I will allow THIS ONE SLIP UP, STYLISTS. Do you hear me? Don't do it again.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): Wow, it's pretty harsh to have to follow Downey. But at least your wife is still around. I'll pause to let everyone boo at my poor taste.
Ready now? Great, I'll start over.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): While this performance was all well and good, I decided it was more fun to count the number times the camera zoomed in on your daughter and her Vote For My Daddy t-shirt. Cute. But you know what would have helped? If you'd make sure the background of the shirt was an American flag. Give the people what they want. Because what they do not want is a Richard Marx wannabe. They want a country Roughneck. See: Josh Gracin.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Oooh Simply Orange. That reminds me. I'm out of tequila. Back in a few.
HSM3 (I'll Be There): Not only did I know that Randy would namedrop Mariah, I knew this was not going to be good news. I told someone earlier today that you needed to bust out some La Toya London, but that I had a feeling you were really going to be more Lisa Tucker (if you can imagine a "wah-wahn" sound right now, that will help set the mood). And if I let my inner voice teacher step out for a second, the shape of your mouth should not change in the middle of the word "there." It's only one syllable. Good job, Mississippi.
WonderBread (Remember the Time): Wait, what? Wife? Somewhere Jim Verraros is kicking himself for not thinking of that charade. Whatever. Even with your floppy John Mayer antics, this was a pretty kick ass performance. Randy hit it on the head when he likened you to Jason Mraz. And what can I say? I like Jason Mraz. Keep it up, and I'll keep voting for you.
Charo (Give In To Me): You're 16? I had no idea. Thanks to the judges for reminding us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You know what? Tiffany got her start singing in shopping establishments as a teenager too. And look where she is now. It's up to you to decide if you want to go the "Celebrity Fit Club" route or the "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling " direction. Unless you decide to rock the full extent of your manic panic and show up on Sober House a la Nikki McKibbin. Yes, I'm being mean. And I don't care. Because I can only take so much blatant Gina Glocksen-ing before I want to rip my arm off and throw it at the tv.
Slumdog Idol (Beat It): It's not Top Energy, it's Top Chef. Oh, wait. My bad. But seriously, can you stop choosing songs just because you want to show everyone you have energy. We get it. Try choosing a song that shows everyone that you can sing. I want to like you, I really do. But your mediocre performances and that self-satisfied look at the end of your performance? Not good news. Not good news at all.
Menudo (Never Can Say Goodbye): Have I mentioned that Jackson 5 songs are a total cop-out? Lame. Way to sound like Marc Anthony. Or John Secada. Lame. Way to make every one of my notes end in the word "lame." And way to disappoint me by not having any patterns on the back of your jacket. I thought we were starting a new trend. Instead, we're just going to go with the Chuck Taylors, eh? And the Miami Vice sleeves? Lame.
BlondBjork (Rockin' Robin): Oh come on. I'm not even going to - well, at least you look hot.
WickedRaverSiriano (Black & White): Your voice is too high. It hurts my ears. Either that, or it's ALL THE SCREAMING. I don't know why everyone is so into you - I don't like your music. I wouldn't buy your cd. (And I buy EVERYTHING. Seriously, I even own a Fall Out Boy cd. And did you not read about the Phil Stacey/Ace Young debacle?) And I can't even bring myself to make fun of all the chains and the women's sweater and the fact that you look like a giant next to everyone else. And that's not a compliment.
Howl at the Moon (Human Nature): It's a shame that Napoleon can't see - this is how you perform while sitting at the piano. As I was looking on the I-Tunes to buy the single, I learned that HATM has two previously released cds. Anyone listen to them?
Jane Mancini (Dirty Diana): Um. When you look like you're 13, please don't wear that much bling. And remember to wear pants. And don't stomp around like a hooker waiting to get paid. I got Kara's "naughty" comment, but it was more "naughty" in the way that Dakota Fanning might act if she didn't get the cookies she wanted in her trailer. I can forgive the oversinging this week, and I've made my peace with the pink. But you slut it up on stage one more time? I'm done.
SHOULD GO: The Backup Singers (combined, still worse than any of the Top 13)
WILL GO: Menudo, HSM3 (or if America really wanted to make me happy) Napoleon
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That's about the same percentage of songs I'll be buying from the I-Tunes tonight. Because a lot of people were much better than I expected, but when you get down to it, I just don't want to listen to their music. Starting with:
I KNOW SHE WENT FIRST AND TIVO CUT OFF THE RECAP, BUT DON'T FORGET SHE'S THE BEST SINGER EVER, SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER (The Way You Make Me Feel): Just to be clear, I'm not a huge fan. The various capital nicknames are all attributed to the producers' blatant pimping. But tonight IKSWFATCOTRBDFSTBSES really kind of faded into the background. Sure, when she was finished and a whole night of crap loomed in front of us, I figured the judges would be talking about her for the next two hours. And I bet she was counting on that too. But, oh guess what, IKSWF, everyone else didn't suck like you thought they would. So take your asymmetrical shirt from the Paula Abdul Steinmart collection and go listen to Mindy Doo's new album. Haven't heard it? Neither has anyone else. But that's what you're destined for: a number three finish. And PS, Memphis BBQ sucks.
Napolean Blond-O-Mite (Keep the Faith): OK, I'm the first to admit that my hair isn't looking stellar these days, but come on. Your excuse of not being able to see yourself in the mirror is gone. Can't the stylists do something about your Garfunkel madness? "But wait," you say, "it's a music competition, right?" All right then - you had a nice moment of falsetto, a decent modulation and I'm always a sucker for a good piano gliss. But your performance was so damn boring that I fell asleep and am chalking it all up to a bad dream. Stevie Wonder, you ain't.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (PYT): Wow. I was really expecting a soulful "She's Out of My Life" or "The Lady In My Life" or "I Just Can't Stop Loving You." But this was a welcome surprise. And the winner of "The First Idol Single Micky Plans To Purchase" award. (I know, I still love Apost'ro'phe's Delilah, but it was a live version, so it's different.) There really wasn't a single part of this performance that I didn't like (and yes, that includes the dancing). Even your red Sally Jessy glasses worked with your red shirt. But then in the end, you had to ruin it by showing us that your sleeves were not only turned inside out, they're ripped at the wrists. I will allow THIS ONE SLIP UP, STYLISTS. Do you hear me? Don't do it again.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): Wow, it's pretty harsh to have to follow Downey. But at least your wife is still around. I'll pause to let everyone boo at my poor taste.
Ready now? Great, I'll start over.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): While this performance was all well and good, I decided it was more fun to count the number times the camera zoomed in on your daughter and her Vote For My Daddy t-shirt. Cute. But you know what would have helped? If you'd make sure the background of the shirt was an American flag. Give the people what they want. Because what they do not want is a Richard Marx wannabe. They want a country Roughneck. See: Josh Gracin.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Oooh Simply Orange. That reminds me. I'm out of tequila. Back in a few.
HSM3 (I'll Be There): Not only did I know that Randy would namedrop Mariah, I knew this was not going to be good news. I told someone earlier today that you needed to bust out some La Toya London, but that I had a feeling you were really going to be more Lisa Tucker (if you can imagine a "wah-wahn" sound right now, that will help set the mood). And if I let my inner voice teacher step out for a second, the shape of your mouth should not change in the middle of the word "there." It's only one syllable. Good job, Mississippi.
WonderBread (Remember the Time): Wait, what? Wife? Somewhere Jim Verraros is kicking himself for not thinking of that charade. Whatever. Even with your floppy John Mayer antics, this was a pretty kick ass performance. Randy hit it on the head when he likened you to Jason Mraz. And what can I say? I like Jason Mraz. Keep it up, and I'll keep voting for you.
Charo (Give In To Me): You're 16? I had no idea. Thanks to the judges for reminding us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You know what? Tiffany got her start singing in shopping establishments as a teenager too. And look where she is now. It's up to you to decide if you want to go the "Celebrity Fit Club" route or the "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling " direction. Unless you decide to rock the full extent of your manic panic and show up on Sober House a la Nikki McKibbin. Yes, I'm being mean. And I don't care. Because I can only take so much blatant Gina Glocksen-ing before I want to rip my arm off and throw it at the tv.
Slumdog Idol (Beat It): It's not Top Energy, it's Top Chef. Oh, wait. My bad. But seriously, can you stop choosing songs just because you want to show everyone you have energy. We get it. Try choosing a song that shows everyone that you can sing. I want to like you, I really do. But your mediocre performances and that self-satisfied look at the end of your performance? Not good news. Not good news at all.
Menudo (Never Can Say Goodbye): Have I mentioned that Jackson 5 songs are a total cop-out? Lame. Way to sound like Marc Anthony. Or John Secada. Lame. Way to make every one of my notes end in the word "lame." And way to disappoint me by not having any patterns on the back of your jacket. I thought we were starting a new trend. Instead, we're just going to go with the Chuck Taylors, eh? And the Miami Vice sleeves? Lame.
BlondBjork (Rockin' Robin): Oh come on. I'm not even going to - well, at least you look hot.
WickedRaverSiriano (Black & White): Your voice is too high. It hurts my ears. Either that, or it's ALL THE SCREAMING. I don't know why everyone is so into you - I don't like your music. I wouldn't buy your cd. (And I buy EVERYTHING. Seriously, I even own a Fall Out Boy cd. And did you not read about the Phil Stacey/Ace Young debacle?) And I can't even bring myself to make fun of all the chains and the women's sweater and the fact that you look like a giant next to everyone else. And that's not a compliment.
Howl at the Moon (Human Nature): It's a shame that Napoleon can't see - this is how you perform while sitting at the piano. As I was looking on the I-Tunes to buy the single, I learned that HATM has two previously released cds. Anyone listen to them?
Jane Mancini (Dirty Diana): Um. When you look like you're 13, please don't wear that much bling. And remember to wear pants. And don't stomp around like a hooker waiting to get paid. I got Kara's "naughty" comment, but it was more "naughty" in the way that Dakota Fanning might act if she didn't get the cookies she wanted in her trailer. I can forgive the oversinging this week, and I've made my peace with the pink. But you slut it up on stage one more time? I'm done.
SHOULD GO: The Backup Singers (combined, still worse than any of the Top 13)
WILL GO: Menudo, HSM3 (or if America really wanted to make me happy) Napoleon
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Thursday, March 5, 2009
American Idol Wildcard Round: OK, sure.
Yeah, this was totally decided during the commercial break. The judges didn't have their favorites picked out in advance at all.
To save some time, let's list the good performances:
Matt
Ricky
And now let's list the bad performances:
Jesse
Von
Megan (Don't choose songs that remind me of my McPheever. You're not that good.)
Jasmine
Tatiana
Slumdog gets a pass, because well, I was bored after he botched that first low note and I fast forwarded.
The irony here is that I would also make similar lists for fashion judgment; except they would be switched around. (Skinny jeans, fedora, scarf...come on kids - did you take a page from the Johnny Depp playbook? You're not Johnny. You can't pull that stuff off.) Again, Slumdog gets a pass, because I'm pretty sure I own that polo shirt, and he deserves some props for not caring enough about what he looks like to just rock what he was wearing earlier today.
So although my picks were dead on (and I had a sneaking suspicion they'd pull out a fourth stool, but that didn't come until this afternoon in the middle of a very long wildcard discussion that devolved into talking about Lauren leaving the Hills - but I digress) I don't think that anyone but Howl at the Moon deserved it. But HSM3, BlondBjork and Slumdog were in it from the start. Even if one of them fell off the stage, I think the judges would have said something like "At least you fell off the stage like you - I know who you are as an artist. You are current, you're different, you're clumsy and I love it."
Oh whatever. Get ready for the finals. Top 13:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
Charo
WonderBread
WickedRaverSiriano
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME. EVER. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED IF YOU DON'T AGREE.
Napolean Blind-O-Mite
Menudo
HSM3
BlondBjork
Slumdog Idol
Howl at the Moon
Joanna and Apo'strophe, I miss you most of all.
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To save some time, let's list the good performances:
Matt
Ricky
And now let's list the bad performances:
Jesse
Von
Megan (Don't choose songs that remind me of my McPheever. You're not that good.)
Jasmine
Tatiana
Slumdog gets a pass, because well, I was bored after he botched that first low note and I fast forwarded.
The irony here is that I would also make similar lists for fashion judgment; except they would be switched around. (Skinny jeans, fedora, scarf...come on kids - did you take a page from the Johnny Depp playbook? You're not Johnny. You can't pull that stuff off.) Again, Slumdog gets a pass, because I'm pretty sure I own that polo shirt, and he deserves some props for not caring enough about what he looks like to just rock what he was wearing earlier today.
So although my picks were dead on (and I had a sneaking suspicion they'd pull out a fourth stool, but that didn't come until this afternoon in the middle of a very long wildcard discussion that devolved into talking about Lauren leaving the Hills - but I digress) I don't think that anyone but Howl at the Moon deserved it. But HSM3, BlondBjork and Slumdog were in it from the start. Even if one of them fell off the stage, I think the judges would have said something like "At least you fell off the stage like you - I know who you are as an artist. You are current, you're different, you're clumsy and I love it."
Oh whatever. Get ready for the finals. Top 13:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
Charo
WonderBread
WickedRaverSiriano
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME. EVER. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED IF YOU DON'T AGREE.
Napolean Blind-O-Mite
Menudo
HSM3
BlondBjork
Slumdog Idol
Howl at the Moon
Joanna and Apo'strophe, I miss you most of all.
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American Idol 25-36: Results (No more headbands!)
It's hard to get riled up when things happen pretty much as you expect them to. Then again, when you expect things to be stupid and they are, there's still room for anger. I just can't decide where to direct it.
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME was pretty much a given, so I'm glad they "revealed" it to us right away.
NAPOLEON BLIND-O-MITE (thanks, Erin) isn't actually that good of a singer, chooses poor songs, and is only passable on the piano. But, did you hear? He's BLIND! He can't see anything at all, the music just moves his soul - and mountains. I'm disappointed that all of America appears to have contracted Marlee Matlin syndrome and has left out a number of people that are better singers. Disappointed...but not surprised. (If there is a silver lining here, maybe there will be fewer group dance numbers. Or else they'll just make him do turns on a chair like they did tonight, while everyone runs circles around him. Awesome.)
And while we're on the subject of awesome, can we get rid of Blindy's brother? If I have to see his floppy hair and crazy smile one more time, I might throw something at my tv. You know he's going to walk out there with a homemade cardboard sign at some point. There are plenty of other people on stage - one of them can help him to his Ikea stool.
MENUDO was good and all, but let's retire that song from Idol, ok? They sing it every year, and it doesn't ever get less annoying. It's like they're pleading for votes, and all it makes me want is the sun to come down on them - very hard. And the fact that it got you in over my boy Apos'trophe, well, that just makes me hate it more.
And let's review the other members of the Top 12 before we get on to this wildcard nonsense, because the producers WILL. NOT. LET. US. FORGET. THEM.
WEEK 1:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
WEEK 2:
Charo
WonderBread (number one in the race for the Archtastic Blah award)
WickedRaverSiriano
Does anyone think this looks like a winning group? No? Me neither.
WILDCARD NONSENSE
I was hoping that Jamie was right and that they'd stack the deck for women in the wildcard round. Because really - 2/3 men in the top 9? Not cool. Half of the voters are 11 year old girls who vote for Siriano because he's cute and apparently looks like Robert Whatshisname. These are the same girls that ALMOST LET DAVID ARCHULETTA WIN. They can't be trusted.
On the upside, my first two weeks of wildcard picks were spot on, with the unexpected, yet not unwelcome presence of Bette Davis Eyes. But she has some stiff competition with HSM3, BlondBjork and When Rabbit Howls. Wait - scratch that. I refuse to believe that the judges would actually put WRH into the Top 12, no matter how well she does tomorrow. Sad for Faux-anna Pacitti, because she definitely deserved another chance way more.
And I'm also sad for Apostrop'he, because he deserved to be in the finals way more than THAT KID WHO SINGS REALLY LOUD. Tight pants, Slumdog Idol and Dueling Timberlakes were pretty expected, but LOUD? Not so much.
Ok, prediction time. I think we need more women, so I'm going 2-1, on the assumption that no one royally sucks it up:
HSM3 (Jasmine)
BlondBjork (Megan)
Slumdog Idol (Anoop)
and if one of the chicks blows it
Dueling Timberlakes (Giraud)
And there we have it. See you tomorrow.
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THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME was pretty much a given, so I'm glad they "revealed" it to us right away.
NAPOLEON BLIND-O-MITE (thanks, Erin) isn't actually that good of a singer, chooses poor songs, and is only passable on the piano. But, did you hear? He's BLIND! He can't see anything at all, the music just moves his soul - and mountains. I'm disappointed that all of America appears to have contracted Marlee Matlin syndrome and has left out a number of people that are better singers. Disappointed...but not surprised. (If there is a silver lining here, maybe there will be fewer group dance numbers. Or else they'll just make him do turns on a chair like they did tonight, while everyone runs circles around him. Awesome.)
And while we're on the subject of awesome, can we get rid of Blindy's brother? If I have to see his floppy hair and crazy smile one more time, I might throw something at my tv. You know he's going to walk out there with a homemade cardboard sign at some point. There are plenty of other people on stage - one of them can help him to his Ikea stool.
MENUDO was good and all, but let's retire that song from Idol, ok? They sing it every year, and it doesn't ever get less annoying. It's like they're pleading for votes, and all it makes me want is the sun to come down on them - very hard. And the fact that it got you in over my boy Apos'trophe, well, that just makes me hate it more.
And let's review the other members of the Top 12 before we get on to this wildcard nonsense, because the producers WILL. NOT. LET. US. FORGET. THEM.
WEEK 1:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
WEEK 2:
Charo
WonderBread (number one in the race for the Archtastic Blah award)
WickedRaverSiriano
Does anyone think this looks like a winning group? No? Me neither.
WILDCARD NONSENSE
I was hoping that Jamie was right and that they'd stack the deck for women in the wildcard round. Because really - 2/3 men in the top 9? Not cool. Half of the voters are 11 year old girls who vote for Siriano because he's cute and apparently looks like Robert Whatshisname. These are the same girls that ALMOST LET DAVID ARCHULETTA WIN. They can't be trusted.
On the upside, my first two weeks of wildcard picks were spot on, with the unexpected, yet not unwelcome presence of Bette Davis Eyes. But she has some stiff competition with HSM3, BlondBjork and When Rabbit Howls. Wait - scratch that. I refuse to believe that the judges would actually put WRH into the Top 12, no matter how well she does tomorrow. Sad for Faux-anna Pacitti, because she definitely deserved another chance way more.
And I'm also sad for Apostrop'he, because he deserved to be in the finals way more than THAT KID WHO SINGS REALLY LOUD. Tight pants, Slumdog Idol and Dueling Timberlakes were pretty expected, but LOUD? Not so much.
Ok, prediction time. I think we need more women, so I'm going 2-1, on the assumption that no one royally sucks it up:
HSM3 (Jasmine)
BlondBjork (Megan)
Slumdog Idol (Anoop)
and if one of the chicks blows it
Dueling Timberlakes (Giraud)
And there we have it. See you tomorrow.
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Wednesday, March 4, 2009
American Idol 25-36: I Still Have Feelings For Molly
Because, the real question is, will anyone be talking about Idol tomorrow morning, or will we continue to spend all of our time at the water cooler discussing the douchebaggery of The Bachelor? Because when I pushed the stop button on my Idol viewing tonight and went back to live tv, Jason had his arm around Molly and they looked awfully chummy as Chris gave them the tent from the camping episode.
And all this does is prove that I also watch The Bachelor. Oh well. Let's get to the judgment.
VON SMITH (aka That Kid Who Sings Really Loud): Could anyone else tell that he really wanted to let loose and belt out that entire song. Snaps for fighting against that urge. Red shoes aside, this wasn't bad. But I couldn't help wondering where I'd heard this song before. And then I remembered: Kelly sang it on season 1. (No, I'm not saying he shouldn't have sung this song - Kelly does not own it - I just have no idea who sang it originally aside from her.) But because Von decided to make that stupid phone sign with his hand, I am going to listen to the 1:38 recording of Kelly's performance just to be spiteful.
TAYLOR VAIFANUA: This was so boring that I let my mind wander. Why does Alicia Keys insist on forcing two words to share one syllable? I would now like to point out that "I" and "ain't" are two separate words. And while we're on the subject (and to save me from complaining about it later) "what I feel for you" sounds too much like "what I'm feel for you" which then leads me to wonder if she's also combining the "ing" in feeling with "for" to make the sentence grammatically correct. Then again, maybe I'm trying to give Alicia too much credit - she's always going to be the person that stole the Grammy from India.Arie, and in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not one to give up grudges.
ALEX W-T: Well, the judges pretty much covered all of my notes (Why are you growling?) so I'll focus on telling America not to vote for the second coming of TAYLOR HICKS. Dude is Teen Angel now. Are you happy America? (Was anyone else creeped out when AW-T sang "thunder under the cover"? Ew.)
Observation #1: Here's a good time to take a survey: why do the backup singers suck so royally this year? I wonder if I would have been less hard on Charo if her backup had been as good as Carrie's.
ARIANNA AFSAR: Sad. I wanted to like her. But Meryl Streep performed this song better. And that's not saying much.
JU'NOT JOYNER: From the Wikipedia: "In current English usage, contraction is shortening of a word, syllable, or word group by omission of internal letters." Which makes me wonder - what letters are supposed to be between the U and the N? For example, my friend Maria-Alicia decided it would be fun to go by M'Alicia. See what she did there? Makes sense. Ju'Not does not make sense. (Nor do the handcuffs you are inexplicably wearing on your belt loop.) Whatev - this was a good performance. I voted for you four times and I bought in on the I-Tunes (my first purchase of the season). You're welcome.
KRISTIN MCNAMARA: This is not a good song for Idol. (Although I love the song and even enjoyed Jordin's performance from years ago, she really dodged a bullet.) Tracy sings like six notes in the whole song - and changing keys every verse is just cheating. And this is coming from a man who wells up for a really good key change. But I will give you a pass, Stretch Pants, because you got rid of the manic panic, which means I had at least one week with no kool-aid red hair to look at.
NATHANIEL MARSHALL (aka Olivia Piercing Headband): Is America ready for you? No. At least, I'm not ready for you. Since your performance was complete crap (but your grandma likes it!), and Simon stole my joke (my note read "I have a hard time believing there's something you won't do for love"), I am only left with the look. Sigh. I suppose I could get past the American Apparel deep v-neck - wait, no I can't. It looks like you're wearing a tank top. That, combined with your preposterous use of headbands (why? why?!?!), is the reason that Simon compared you to Olivia Newton John (not Elton John, Randy - although I wouldn't put it past that dude to wear headbands). My only other question: who were you pointing at when you were singing?
FELICIA BARTON (aka Fuax-anna Pacitti): I'm having a hard time accepting you, but I'm trying. Your voice has an interesting Natasha Bedingfield quality - you know, where it's not actually a "good" voice, per se, but there's something about it that's pleasing to the ear. I'm not sure what it is.
Observation #2: Ricky and the band suck this year too. Let's hope when the band is no longer hidden behind a screen, they won't sound so much like the karaoke machine at a Chinese restaurant.
SCOTT MACINTYRE: I'm not feeling it. I don't like this song. (What the hell is Bruce Hornsby saying?) Do I think you move mountains? No. But it was better than I thought it would be. The only way you could get more sympathy votes is if you'd sang God Bless America.
KENDALL BEARD: Speaking of, Kendall should have taken a page from the Krappy Lee Suck playbook and sang God Bless the USA. She would have literally sailed into the Top 12, quite possibly on an American flag. But since she chose to be your regular average blond country Idol contestant (i.e. Carrie, Pickler, Krappy Lee) and sing a Martina McBride song, she's going to have to hope that the Nation of Underwood wants a country singer in the Top 12 bad enough to make the calls. I'm thinking it's not going to happen.
JORGE NUNEZ: I'm sorry that my character map doesn't have a capital ñ key for me to spell your name correctly. I'm also sorry that you can't see what would make you a shoo-in for the Top 12: sing some Ricky Martin. There has never been a Latin Idol. Find your niche - otherwise you're just a few months away from performing in a Mexican tour of Spam-a-lot. Yes, this performance was good, but I don't think you're moving any mountains either.
THE BEST SINGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, NO REALLY, YOU MUST LOVE HER, SHE MIGHT BE THE SECOND COMING (aka Lil Rounds): Really? The closing spot? It's almost as if the producers are telling us to vote for you. Shocking. Don't you worry. Even though I barely understood a single word you sang (it's called "diction"), America has been waiting to make up for their past transgressions, and Syesha was way more Vonzell than JHud. Welcome to the Top 12. (P.S. Don't think I didn't notice you AGAIN changing the lyrics to the song to pimp yourself out to the voting public. Lame.)
TOP TWO: Lil & Scott (although I think Ju'Not deserves it more)
#3: Felicia or Jorge
WILD CARD PREDICTIONS
From Week 1: Braddy (Tight Pants), Anoop (Slumdog Idol)
From Week 2: Jasmine, Giraud (Howl at the Moon), Megan Joy
From Week 3: Ju'Not (Apostrophe), Arianna (Shiny Button), Kristin
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And all this does is prove that I also watch The Bachelor. Oh well. Let's get to the judgment.
VON SMITH (aka That Kid Who Sings Really Loud): Could anyone else tell that he really wanted to let loose and belt out that entire song. Snaps for fighting against that urge. Red shoes aside, this wasn't bad. But I couldn't help wondering where I'd heard this song before. And then I remembered: Kelly sang it on season 1. (No, I'm not saying he shouldn't have sung this song - Kelly does not own it - I just have no idea who sang it originally aside from her.) But because Von decided to make that stupid phone sign with his hand, I am going to listen to the 1:38 recording of Kelly's performance just to be spiteful.
TAYLOR VAIFANUA: This was so boring that I let my mind wander. Why does Alicia Keys insist on forcing two words to share one syllable? I would now like to point out that "I" and "ain't" are two separate words. And while we're on the subject (and to save me from complaining about it later) "what I feel for you" sounds too much like "what I'm feel for you" which then leads me to wonder if she's also combining the "ing" in feeling with "for" to make the sentence grammatically correct. Then again, maybe I'm trying to give Alicia too much credit - she's always going to be the person that stole the Grammy from India.Arie, and in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not one to give up grudges.
ALEX W-T: Well, the judges pretty much covered all of my notes (Why are you growling?) so I'll focus on telling America not to vote for the second coming of TAYLOR HICKS. Dude is Teen Angel now. Are you happy America? (Was anyone else creeped out when AW-T sang "thunder under the cover"? Ew.)
Observation #1: Here's a good time to take a survey: why do the backup singers suck so royally this year? I wonder if I would have been less hard on Charo if her backup had been as good as Carrie's.
ARIANNA AFSAR: Sad. I wanted to like her. But Meryl Streep performed this song better. And that's not saying much.
JU'NOT JOYNER: From the Wikipedia: "In current English usage, contraction is shortening of a word, syllable, or word group by omission of internal letters." Which makes me wonder - what letters are supposed to be between the U and the N? For example, my friend Maria-Alicia decided it would be fun to go by M'Alicia. See what she did there? Makes sense. Ju'Not does not make sense. (Nor do the handcuffs you are inexplicably wearing on your belt loop.) Whatev - this was a good performance. I voted for you four times and I bought in on the I-Tunes (my first purchase of the season). You're welcome.
KRISTIN MCNAMARA: This is not a good song for Idol. (Although I love the song and even enjoyed Jordin's performance from years ago, she really dodged a bullet.) Tracy sings like six notes in the whole song - and changing keys every verse is just cheating. And this is coming from a man who wells up for a really good key change. But I will give you a pass, Stretch Pants, because you got rid of the manic panic, which means I had at least one week with no kool-aid red hair to look at.
NATHANIEL MARSHALL (aka Olivia Piercing Headband): Is America ready for you? No. At least, I'm not ready for you. Since your performance was complete crap (but your grandma likes it!), and Simon stole my joke (my note read "I have a hard time believing there's something you won't do for love"), I am only left with the look. Sigh. I suppose I could get past the American Apparel deep v-neck - wait, no I can't. It looks like you're wearing a tank top. That, combined with your preposterous use of headbands (why? why?!?!), is the reason that Simon compared you to Olivia Newton John (not Elton John, Randy - although I wouldn't put it past that dude to wear headbands). My only other question: who were you pointing at when you were singing?
FELICIA BARTON (aka Fuax-anna Pacitti): I'm having a hard time accepting you, but I'm trying. Your voice has an interesting Natasha Bedingfield quality - you know, where it's not actually a "good" voice, per se, but there's something about it that's pleasing to the ear. I'm not sure what it is.
Observation #2: Ricky and the band suck this year too. Let's hope when the band is no longer hidden behind a screen, they won't sound so much like the karaoke machine at a Chinese restaurant.
SCOTT MACINTYRE: I'm not feeling it. I don't like this song. (What the hell is Bruce Hornsby saying?) Do I think you move mountains? No. But it was better than I thought it would be. The only way you could get more sympathy votes is if you'd sang God Bless America.
KENDALL BEARD: Speaking of, Kendall should have taken a page from the Krappy Lee Suck playbook and sang God Bless the USA. She would have literally sailed into the Top 12, quite possibly on an American flag. But since she chose to be your regular average blond country Idol contestant (i.e. Carrie, Pickler, Krappy Lee) and sing a Martina McBride song, she's going to have to hope that the Nation of Underwood wants a country singer in the Top 12 bad enough to make the calls. I'm thinking it's not going to happen.
JORGE NUNEZ: I'm sorry that my character map doesn't have a capital ñ key for me to spell your name correctly. I'm also sorry that you can't see what would make you a shoo-in for the Top 12: sing some Ricky Martin. There has never been a Latin Idol. Find your niche - otherwise you're just a few months away from performing in a Mexican tour of Spam-a-lot. Yes, this performance was good, but I don't think you're moving any mountains either.
THE BEST SINGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, NO REALLY, YOU MUST LOVE HER, SHE MIGHT BE THE SECOND COMING (aka Lil Rounds): Really? The closing spot? It's almost as if the producers are telling us to vote for you. Shocking. Don't you worry. Even though I barely understood a single word you sang (it's called "diction"), America has been waiting to make up for their past transgressions, and Syesha was way more Vonzell than JHud. Welcome to the Top 12. (P.S. Don't think I didn't notice you AGAIN changing the lyrics to the song to pimp yourself out to the voting public. Lame.)
TOP TWO: Lil & Scott (although I think Ju'Not deserves it more)
#3: Felicia or Jorge
WILD CARD PREDICTIONS
From Week 1: Braddy (Tight Pants), Anoop (Slumdog Idol)
From Week 2: Jasmine, Giraud (Howl at the Moon), Megan Joy
From Week 3: Ju'Not (Apostrophe), Arianna (Shiny Button), Kristin
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Friday, February 27, 2009
American Idol 13-24: Results
When I got home at 6:45, I came upon a disastrous sight: my cable box was not on. Just imagine - if I hadn't gotten home in time, and had relied on the gods of Tivo to magically record my Thursday night shows, well, you lucky people wouldn't get to experience my full-on Idol wrath.
Speaking of wrath: It seems that my criticism of Charo's (Iraheta) song choice sparked some controversy today. So let's just lay it all out on the table. It's common knowledge among Idol aficionados that some songs should not be touched, because they will draw immediate comparisons to the Idol contestant that originally rocked it. Here's a short list:
Alone/Crying (Carrie Underwood)
Natural Woman/Stuff Like That There (Kelly Clarkson)
Hemmorhage (Daughtry)
Proud Mary (Trenyce)
Solitaire (Clay Aiken)
Superstar (Ruben Studdard)
All By Myself (La Toya London)
Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Katharine McPhee)
Circle of Life (Jennifer Hudson)
In a Dream (Bo Bice)
Summertime (Fantasia)
You Give Love a Bad Name (Blake Lewis)
I Who Have Nothing (Jordin Sparks)
My Funny Valentine (Mindy Doo)
Dance With My Father (Tamyra Gray)
Do I Do (Mario Vasquez)
Yes, there may be others. You may not agree with all of the songs on this list. Or you may be mad that your favorite contestant is not represented. Hell, some of my favorite contestants aren't on the list (I still miss you, Carly!). Whatever - if you sing Alone (Gina Glocksen, Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson) you deserve to be compared to Carrie. And it will not be a favorable comparison.
Then there are songs that just need to be retired because of the sheer number of singers who attempt and fail to rock. I Don't Wanna Be and Take a Look at Me Now fall into this category. Anything by Whitney, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jacson and Mariah are also here (unless you can bring out something new like Cook and Castro did on Carey night last season).
Now I'm sure there will be some arguments (or attempts at arguments). But this is my Idol commentary, which means that I know more about Idol than you do. And the fact that I'm listening to a nice mix of Vonzell Solomon, Nadia Turner and Christina Christian right now should be enough proof for you.
And now that I've thrown down, let's get to tonight's results.
GROUP SONG: Jason Mraz? Good for a group song. Ne-Yo? Not so much. I like this song a lot, but these kids did it no favors. Especially with WickedSiriano mugging for the camera the entire time and Normal/Whatever His Name Is forgetting the words. And is it just me, or was last week's group a lot more coordinated when it came to the dancing? This bunch looked like a big group karaoke performance at a frat party.
JUDGMENT: Much less deplorable fashion tonight, even though there were a few skinny jeans (and one Daisy Dukes) sightings. (I'm going to stop complaining about Siriano now, because it's just going to get old.)
CAMEOS: Oh Barefoot Potbelly - I can't say I missed you. I now remember how much you annoyed me. But for your sake, I wish that the piano was on a revolve, because it looks like you neck hurt from trying to sing to the camera and the rest of the audience.
RESULTS: Charo and WickedSiriano (God I want to call you Fallout, but that name was taken last year; other good suggestions have been "Falsetto Jagger" and "David Cook: The Musical!" I'll let you all be the judges) were pretty much locks, but I appreciate the final suspense of wondering whether I was going to get up and kick America's ass.
And I'll happily concede that I didn't ever think that WonderBread would make an appearance in the top 12 this soon. He seems like he's actually pretty good. I think last night was just an aberration - so I'm ok with the results.
Potential Wildcard singers (based mostly on previous judge pimping, not on actual talent): Mishavonna, Jesse, Megan Joy, Giraud and Jasmine. With Slumdog and Tight Pants in the running from last week, that brings our total to eight - and we've heard that there may only be 8-9 contestants in the Wildcard round, so next week should be interesting.
Speaking of next week, we finally get to see SHE WHO CAN SING ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND AS A RESULT PEACE WILL RULE THE LAND (sorry, Lil Rounds), the Drama Queen and that Kid Who Sings Really Loud. Come to think of it, they all sing really loud. Awesome.
Continue Reading
Speaking of wrath: It seems that my criticism of Charo's (Iraheta) song choice sparked some controversy today. So let's just lay it all out on the table. It's common knowledge among Idol aficionados that some songs should not be touched, because they will draw immediate comparisons to the Idol contestant that originally rocked it. Here's a short list:
Alone/Crying (Carrie Underwood)
Natural Woman/Stuff Like That There (Kelly Clarkson)
Hemmorhage (Daughtry)
Proud Mary (Trenyce)
Solitaire (Clay Aiken)
Superstar (Ruben Studdard)
All By Myself (La Toya London)
Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Katharine McPhee)
Circle of Life (Jennifer Hudson)
In a Dream (Bo Bice)
Summertime (Fantasia)
You Give Love a Bad Name (Blake Lewis)
I Who Have Nothing (Jordin Sparks)
My Funny Valentine (Mindy Doo)
Dance With My Father (Tamyra Gray)
Do I Do (Mario Vasquez)
Yes, there may be others. You may not agree with all of the songs on this list. Or you may be mad that your favorite contestant is not represented. Hell, some of my favorite contestants aren't on the list (I still miss you, Carly!). Whatever - if you sing Alone (Gina Glocksen, Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson) you deserve to be compared to Carrie. And it will not be a favorable comparison.
Then there are songs that just need to be retired because of the sheer number of singers who attempt and fail to rock. I Don't Wanna Be and Take a Look at Me Now fall into this category. Anything by Whitney, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jacson and Mariah are also here (unless you can bring out something new like Cook and Castro did on Carey night last season).
Now I'm sure there will be some arguments (or attempts at arguments). But this is my Idol commentary, which means that I know more about Idol than you do. And the fact that I'm listening to a nice mix of Vonzell Solomon, Nadia Turner and Christina Christian right now should be enough proof for you.
And now that I've thrown down, let's get to tonight's results.
GROUP SONG: Jason Mraz? Good for a group song. Ne-Yo? Not so much. I like this song a lot, but these kids did it no favors. Especially with WickedSiriano mugging for the camera the entire time and Normal/Whatever His Name Is forgetting the words. And is it just me, or was last week's group a lot more coordinated when it came to the dancing? This bunch looked like a big group karaoke performance at a frat party.
JUDGMENT: Much less deplorable fashion tonight, even though there were a few skinny jeans (and one Daisy Dukes) sightings. (I'm going to stop complaining about Siriano now, because it's just going to get old.)
CAMEOS: Oh Barefoot Potbelly - I can't say I missed you. I now remember how much you annoyed me. But for your sake, I wish that the piano was on a revolve, because it looks like you neck hurt from trying to sing to the camera and the rest of the audience.
RESULTS: Charo and WickedSiriano (God I want to call you Fallout, but that name was taken last year; other good suggestions have been "Falsetto Jagger" and "David Cook: The Musical!" I'll let you all be the judges) were pretty much locks, but I appreciate the final suspense of wondering whether I was going to get up and kick America's ass.
And I'll happily concede that I didn't ever think that WonderBread would make an appearance in the top 12 this soon. He seems like he's actually pretty good. I think last night was just an aberration - so I'm ok with the results.
Potential Wildcard singers (based mostly on previous judge pimping, not on actual talent): Mishavonna, Jesse, Megan Joy, Giraud and Jasmine. With Slumdog and Tight Pants in the running from last week, that brings our total to eight - and we've heard that there may only be 8-9 contestants in the Wildcard round, so next week should be interesting.
Speaking of next week, we finally get to see SHE WHO CAN SING ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND AS A RESULT PEACE WILL RULE THE LAND (sorry, Lil Rounds), the Drama Queen and that Kid Who Sings Really Loud. Come to think of it, they all sing really loud. Awesome.
Continue Reading
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Cooking With Love...and Alligator, Apparently
(Top Chef: finale recap)
What the? Who? Where now?
Before tonight, I could only see two scenarios: the one where Melonhead wins and everyone is mad and I threaten to never watch again, and the one where Hootie wins and my neighbors are the only ones who are mad because I am cheering loudly at 11:30pm. In no way did I think Canned Crab had it in him. But really, it's the perfect end to a season where most of the viewing public has spent many a Wednesday night throwing their hands in the air.
OBSERVATION #1: Kitchen Confidential rules. Just FYI.
Hootie Hoo!: If I knew how to make Hootie doing animal impressions be my screen saver, I would. In a heartbeat. But that's where the joy ends. Hootie, you were SO CLOSE! I think the judges were really rooting for you. But then stupid SECOND PLACE CASEY shows up and all of a sudden you throw the love out the window? Hootie, you know better than that.
OBSERVATION #2: Can they say "twat" on TV? Bravo's really pushing the slang limit these days. Seriously, it's worse than One Tree Hill.
Canned Crab: Well, good for you. But I was thinking...what would I do if I won $100,000? I'm pretty sure I'd just pay off my student loans and be done with it. I do not want CC to go and start some seafood restaurant, because you know he will. And I do not want him to show up in Dr. Pepper commercials next season. How could a chef win when all he was good for was MAKING OUT WITH OTHER CHEFS?
OBSERVATION #3: I love Gail. She was totally falling out of her dress by the end of the night and she totally didn't care. Never go away again, Gail, OK?
Melonhead: OK, I guess I'll look at the silver lining. But I wanted Hootie to win more than I wanted you to lose. And you winning would have MADE SENSE. But coming from a dessert background (no, I don't make lots of desserts...I eat lots of desserts, whenever possible) your little dessert plate was sad. And what's with all the pigeon this season? Can we make a no squab rule next year?
OBSERVATION #4: Hopefully this is the last time I will ever have to blast Toby Young. My favorite part (aside from the fact that his voice got all high and squeaky when he was arguing for Melonhead's dessert plate) was that Padma didn't even bother to ask him if he had decided - because he tried to tangle with Tom and Gail, and you know who is going to win that fight. (Actually, in reading his blog on bravo.com - I'd link, but why bother - he makes it clear that he disagreed with the choice, so she probably did ask him, and his response was something whiny and childlike - but not in a cute way.)
So what have we learned this season?
1. Toby Young is a douche.
2. Gail is the best.
3. Always cook with love.
4. Never listen to Casey.
5. Choosing a team and naming it is not the way to win.
6. Before trying out, learn how to butcher meat. And bone fish. And maybe how to skin an eel.
7. Make only one soup and one scallop dish in the course of the season.
8. And if you break that rule, don't make identical dishes back to back.
9. Don't cook frozen food. Ever.
10. Everyone should learn how to make at least five awesome (and different) desserts. And pull them out whenever you need an extra edge.
Here's hoping that next season will be less of a wash. And here's hoping that Andy Cohen's reunion hosting skills won't be too annoying next week. And that we won't focus on "the kiss" for too long.
Hootie Hoo!
Continue Reading
Before tonight, I could only see two scenarios: the one where Melonhead wins and everyone is mad and I threaten to never watch again, and the one where Hootie wins and my neighbors are the only ones who are mad because I am cheering loudly at 11:30pm. In no way did I think Canned Crab had it in him. But really, it's the perfect end to a season where most of the viewing public has spent many a Wednesday night throwing their hands in the air.
OBSERVATION #1: Kitchen Confidential rules. Just FYI.
Hootie Hoo!: If I knew how to make Hootie doing animal impressions be my screen saver, I would. In a heartbeat. But that's where the joy ends. Hootie, you were SO CLOSE! I think the judges were really rooting for you. But then stupid SECOND PLACE CASEY shows up and all of a sudden you throw the love out the window? Hootie, you know better than that.
OBSERVATION #2: Can they say "twat" on TV? Bravo's really pushing the slang limit these days. Seriously, it's worse than One Tree Hill.
Canned Crab: Well, good for you. But I was thinking...what would I do if I won $100,000? I'm pretty sure I'd just pay off my student loans and be done with it. I do not want CC to go and start some seafood restaurant, because you know he will. And I do not want him to show up in Dr. Pepper commercials next season. How could a chef win when all he was good for was MAKING OUT WITH OTHER CHEFS?
OBSERVATION #3: I love Gail. She was totally falling out of her dress by the end of the night and she totally didn't care. Never go away again, Gail, OK?
Melonhead: OK, I guess I'll look at the silver lining. But I wanted Hootie to win more than I wanted you to lose. And you winning would have MADE SENSE. But coming from a dessert background (no, I don't make lots of desserts...I eat lots of desserts, whenever possible) your little dessert plate was sad. And what's with all the pigeon this season? Can we make a no squab rule next year?
OBSERVATION #4: Hopefully this is the last time I will ever have to blast Toby Young. My favorite part (aside from the fact that his voice got all high and squeaky when he was arguing for Melonhead's dessert plate) was that Padma didn't even bother to ask him if he had decided - because he tried to tangle with Tom and Gail, and you know who is going to win that fight. (Actually, in reading his blog on bravo.com - I'd link, but why bother - he makes it clear that he disagreed with the choice, so she probably did ask him, and his response was something whiny and childlike - but not in a cute way.)
So what have we learned this season?
1. Toby Young is a douche.
2. Gail is the best.
3. Always cook with love.
4. Never listen to Casey.
5. Choosing a team and naming it is not the way to win.
6. Before trying out, learn how to butcher meat. And bone fish. And maybe how to skin an eel.
7. Make only one soup and one scallop dish in the course of the season.
8. And if you break that rule, don't make identical dishes back to back.
9. Don't cook frozen food. Ever.
10. Everyone should learn how to make at least five awesome (and different) desserts. And pull them out whenever you need an extra edge.
Here's hoping that next season will be less of a wash. And here's hoping that Andy Cohen's reunion hosting skills won't be too annoying next week. And that we won't focus on "the kiss" for too long.
Hootie Hoo!
Continue Reading
American Idol 13-24: More E-Trade Baby
I wish that someone would take these broken wings and learn to fly again. I know it's sad when I fast forward through the performances and watch the commercials, but that baby is hilarious. If this is how the entire season is going to go, I'm going to need a lot more vodka.
JASMINE MURRAY: Well at least Jasmine started a trend. Once she chose a song poorly everyone seemed to fall in line.
MATT GIRUAD: And then Matt added his own twist to the proceedings: way too much vibrato. Doesn't anyone have any control over their voice. Come on.
JEANINE VAILES: I have a feeling there's a reason that we haven't seen you sing a SINGLE NOTE until tonight. (I actually had a really mean sentence here, but I think it's too early to show my true colors.) I don't think America has seen enough of you to give you another chance, so I won't kick you while you're down.
NICK/NORMAN: You're a joke. Go away.
ALLISON IRAHETA: This is one of those songs that should have been retired after the first time that Carrie Underwood blew it away. All I could think the entire time was "Not Carrie. Not Carrie. Not Carrie." Because it wasn't. It was loud. Too loud. And get a real haircolor, kid.
KRIS ALLEN: Ho hum...
MEGAN JOY CORKREY: OK, I like a nice font as much as the next guy (well, probably more than the next guy, especially if it's a nice sans serif - but I digress), so I hope that Megan goes back to her typesetter. Because, oh look, it's another bad song choice with too much vibrato. Awesome.
MATT BREITZKE: Tonic? Really? OK then.
JESSE LANGSETH: Did anyone else know that this chick is Johnny Lang's sister? Does anyone care? No? Me neither. Tread softy...Because you do not sing a song covered by my favorite Gwyneth and expect to get away with it. Thank the sweet lord JLang sounded more Kim Carnes-y, otherwise I would have been seriously angry instead of mildly peeved.
JUSTIN GUARINI: Wait, what? Who? Kai Kalama? Nope, I got nothin.
MISHAVONNA HENSON: Well Train covers never turn out to be better than the original...which isn't really saying much. But if I have to choose a favorite tonight, this is it. Eh.
ADAM LAMBERT: Although I enjoy visiting the Hot Chicks with Douchebags site for my daily dose of tool-dom, I prefer that they stay silent. I do not want them singing on my TV. I especially do not want them SCREAMING ON MY TV. I had actually gotten really close to a good nap during the last few songs, and this just ruined it. And it's really not fair that I had to open my eyes to witness the hardcore douchebaggery going on from your Christian Siriano'ed hair to your unlaced Army Surplus boots. And don't think I didn't notice the fingerless gloves. Boo.
People that got my votes: the people who make Ketel One.
Every fiber of my being wishes that I could pretend this week never happened. Instead, I'd like to watch the results show tomorrow to find that Slumdog Idol (Anoop) and Elliott Lite (Braddy) got more write in votes than anyone else. And Mishavonna can stick around, because she annoys me the least (but still a little bit with the floppy hat she insists on wearing everywhere). Sadly, I doubt that will happen. So if I have to make a prediction...
TOP TWO: Adam Lambert & Allison Iraheta
#3: Mishavonna/Justin/Matt
Continue Reading
JASMINE MURRAY: Well at least Jasmine started a trend. Once she chose a song poorly everyone seemed to fall in line.
MATT GIRUAD: And then Matt added his own twist to the proceedings: way too much vibrato. Doesn't anyone have any control over their voice. Come on.
JEANINE VAILES: I have a feeling there's a reason that we haven't seen you sing a SINGLE NOTE until tonight. (I actually had a really mean sentence here, but I think it's too early to show my true colors.) I don't think America has seen enough of you to give you another chance, so I won't kick you while you're down.
NICK/NORMAN: You're a joke. Go away.
ALLISON IRAHETA: This is one of those songs that should have been retired after the first time that Carrie Underwood blew it away. All I could think the entire time was "Not Carrie. Not Carrie. Not Carrie." Because it wasn't. It was loud. Too loud. And get a real haircolor, kid.
KRIS ALLEN: Ho hum...
MEGAN JOY CORKREY: OK, I like a nice font as much as the next guy (well, probably more than the next guy, especially if it's a nice sans serif - but I digress), so I hope that Megan goes back to her typesetter. Because, oh look, it's another bad song choice with too much vibrato. Awesome.
MATT BREITZKE: Tonic? Really? OK then.
JESSE LANGSETH: Did anyone else know that this chick is Johnny Lang's sister? Does anyone care? No? Me neither. Tread softy...Because you do not sing a song covered by my favorite Gwyneth and expect to get away with it. Thank the sweet lord JLang sounded more Kim Carnes-y, otherwise I would have been seriously angry instead of mildly peeved.
JUSTIN GUARINI: Wait, what? Who? Kai Kalama? Nope, I got nothin.
MISHAVONNA HENSON: Well Train covers never turn out to be better than the original...which isn't really saying much. But if I have to choose a favorite tonight, this is it. Eh.
ADAM LAMBERT: Although I enjoy visiting the Hot Chicks with Douchebags site for my daily dose of tool-dom, I prefer that they stay silent. I do not want them singing on my TV. I especially do not want them SCREAMING ON MY TV. I had actually gotten really close to a good nap during the last few songs, and this just ruined it. And it's really not fair that I had to open my eyes to witness the hardcore douchebaggery going on from your Christian Siriano'ed hair to your unlaced Army Surplus boots. And don't think I didn't notice the fingerless gloves. Boo.
People that got my votes: the people who make Ketel One.
Every fiber of my being wishes that I could pretend this week never happened. Instead, I'd like to watch the results show tomorrow to find that Slumdog Idol (Anoop) and Elliott Lite (Braddy) got more write in votes than anyone else. And Mishavonna can stick around, because she annoys me the least (but still a little bit with the floppy hat she insists on wearing everywhere). Sadly, I doubt that will happen. So if I have to make a prediction...
TOP TWO: Adam Lambert & Allison Iraheta
#3: Mishavonna/Justin/Matt
Continue Reading
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