By now, we all knew that Miley was this week's "mentor." (Way to keep secrets, FOX.) And we know within the first ten minutes of talking to her that she's going to call everyone "amazing." God, I'm thirsty already.
My Favorite Pen ("The Letter" by The Boxtops) - Ugh. Dude, I think you're awesome, but this song is tired. If it's used in Hollywood week, it shouldn't be used when you're on the big stage (with exception for Kimberley Locke and Band of Gold). Love the band and the onstage backup and the rocking and the singing and the performance...but this song choice is lame.
YNKL ("Against All Odds" by Phil Collins) - You all know how much I hate Phil Collins. A lot. I also performances where 94% of the notes are poorly sung. I powered through this whole song thinking there might be a moment when it would get better. But it didn't. Wow. Yo. Woah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yo. That's all I've got.
SIDEBAR #1 - Man, I appear to have it bad for some K.Locke. Interesting.
Abs Fauxfron ("Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen) - Sure. If you're going to Get Your Head in the Game all the way down to the audience, you're going to get some votes. One thing I'll say for Abs - he's getting better every week. But when you start at such a low bar, "even better" still isn't good enough. (P.S. I used my HSM reference long before the judges critique.)
Mini Situation ("I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith) - Of course you love Miley. You're twelve. (Thanks Ellen, for the validation.) If I don't focus on the creepiness of you singing these lyrics, I'll give you props for some handy mic work. And yeah, most of the singing was good, sick or no. But you know what I'm taking away from this? Seacrest's Archtastic comparison. Bad form, Seacrest.
SIDEBAR #2 - OK, who got everyone sick? I blame a bitter SYTYCD.
Ginger Vitis ("Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin) - "Powerful and beautiful women" and "Miley Cyrus" do not belong in the same sentence, Ginger. Nor does her signature belong on your guitar. But you look great. And sound great. I'm even going to go out on a limb and say this version is better than the Jennifer Love Hewitt (Pink?) version I already own (shut up). And obviously I'm going to support any song with a key change. As long as the judges don't Mindy Doo you right into third place, you'll be ok.
SIDEBAR #3 - It's a testament to Ginger's talent that I can even tolerate her after spending two hours surrounded by hippies from the Old Town School of Folk Music. Don't worry. There were also two bottles of wine.
Big Poppa ("When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge) - Yo, check it out baby. It's all very Reuben 2.0, but I like Reuben. And the last night was unconventional and sweet. Safe, boring, loungey, sure. But in comparison to some earlier disasters, this is awesome.
Gangsta Gokey ("I Heard It Through The Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye) - Wow. My eighth grade choir did this song, while strutting across the stage wearing sunglasses. I would gladly watch that video if it mean that I didn't have to watch this ever again. Dude, even Miley can't be bothered to enjoy this performance. Come on. Go home.
Rory Waldorf ("Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie) - I don't think you're allowed to sing this song until we can believe that you don't cry when you miss your blanket. Because I don't.
SIDEBAR #4 - Yeah, Miley was probably helpful for Rory. Blind leading the blind and all that.
The Shirtless Wonder ("Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News) - Awesome song (shut up judges). And TSW sounds shockingly like Huey. I'll take it. One thing - starting the song in one place and then moving to the mic is not what the judges meant last week when they told you to move around. Oh wait. you did it at the end too. Never mind - that's probably enough.
SIDEBAR #5 - Like Miley has even heard of Huey Lewis.
Crazy Cat Lady ("You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt) - This performance was like a weird cross between Taylor Swift (pitchy and blond) and Haley Scarnato (potentially crazy). And not in a good way. (Actually, is there a good way to do that?) Yes, I love the voice. There's something awesome about it. But this wasn't the song to make it rock.
Big Love ("Superstition" by Stevie Wonder) - Nope. I still don't get what all the fuss is for. So you can sing high. Whatev. Plus the skinny jeans and the Nadia Turner fauxhawk? No. I'm done with you.
And apparently I'm done with this episode. Thank god. Because there was some poorness going on. And am I really going to have to listen to Miley tomorrow night? Ugh. There is not enough wine in the world.
BOTTOM THREE: YNKL, Abs Fauxfron, Rory Waldorf
SHOULD GO: YNKL or Gangsta Gokey
WILL GO: YNKL
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Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Project Runway: A Snowy Saturday
As expected, the Idol takes up a lot of time and alcohol. But after two weeks of warm, sweatshirt only weather, it is snowing in Chicago. What better time to rock some screwdrivers and catch up on the Runway?
HARDWARE CHALLENGE: Oh right. I remember watching this. Well, I remember this being on. I'd been at a happy hour that turned into an evening of tequila shots (you know how that happens). When I got home I sat in my chair, and that lady over there on the couch started giving me the downlow, since she'd watched it in real time. But then I got distracted by the fringey vest (which I'm fairly certain my parents made me wear as a youth in 1979) and a few pairs of inappropriately tailored shorts. Designers - dress thyselves. And maybe look in a mirror.
At some point that lady over there on the couch went into the kitchen to pour more balsamic in the bowl into which she was dipping her bread. "So do you actually like anyone this season?" she asked. As my chair is next to the kitchen, it was easy to turn my head from all the hammering to answer, "I like the guy who always wears the floppy hat. He seems nice and doesn't dress like a fool, aside from all the American Apparel deep v-necks."
Little did I know that I was about to bid farewell to Floppy. Because I drifted in and out of sleep during the episode, sitting fully upright in my chair, to catch glimpses of copper bodices, trashbag pants and an unfortunate washer bikini that actually deserved to go home before Floppy. So even though I didn't get the full effect of the disasters that ensued, I feel that I was drunk enough to adequately judge. I'll miss you Floppy. As such, let's move on.
SIDEBAR #1: "I love that guy. I mean, he's so annoying, but I love listening to his voice. He's like Blanche DuBois." - That Lady Over There On the Couch; "I think he's more like Suzanne Sugarbaker. And not in a good way." - Me.
EARTH, WIND & FIRE CHALLENGE: Let's start the episode with a performance that is as scripted and as wooden as the commercial episode of America's Next Top Model. Thanks, Philip Carreon. I've really found my inspiration in the natural world.
Now, while the designers are sketching or shopping or something, let's talk. (Wait, are you really being inspired by a shark? Do you really...oh, never mind.) I don't think I realized before now that the women are all fairly normal and don't dress like costume designers. Whereas all of the men (excepting NeckStars and Suzanne Sugarbaker, who have their own signature looks that have not yet annoyed me) dress like gay hobos from Cleveland (apologies to Cleveland - to be fair, I've never been to Cleveland - I'm sure it's very nice). I will say right now that I am putting my foot down. NO MORE CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS. Seriously, Igor, you're on national TV. Put on some normal pants (or if you must, at least shorts with a hem) and maybe something with SLEEVES. Sweater set? I'm talking to you too. Just because you roll them up, that doesn't make it ok. And if I see you flopping around in those dirty white flops for one more week...I'm going to visibly cringe. Everyone else? Stop with the tapered pants/shorts/douchescarves. I. JUST. CANNOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.
SIDEBAR #2: "I want her to to look like she's enveloped in laughter." What? What the hell does that mean? God, there is not enough vodka in the world for this.
God. Please stop saying "laughter." Do you realize every time you spout that idiocy I have to take a drink and close my eyes to contain myself. Although I can't give you laughter, I would like to show you what it looks like to be enveloped in anger and thirst. (You know, I would like to, but the time spent looking for my camera would be more productive spent mixing a bloody mary.)
Oh Tim. Leave it to you to make everything better for me. "You look like you're in the middle of a Make It Work moment." Tim, combined with the sweet nectar that is Belvedere has made it possible for me to stomach this runway show.
Wow, that's a lot of grey. But Heidi made it worth it with her "your shark teeth came back to bite you" line. And with her "Amy...you're in." Because that's the way this episode needed to end.
LAUGHTER COUNT: 7 (that's too many for one 40 minute episode)
SIDEBAR #3: And because my Tivo cut off most of the preview for next week, I'm going to imagine what I hope will happen. Let's start with Heidi telling the designers that Tim is going to meet them in the Designer's Lounge. And then Tim sits them down and says "OK designers, we're going to go out into the city. But first we're going to shake things up. Behind me you'll see a number of bags from the Gap. It is my pleasure to tell you that all of the men are going to change out of their skinny jeans and put on something normal. Because we can't have you swanning around in public in what you're wearing now. And then we'll go to Mood!"
That would be great.
NEIGHBORHOOD TEAM CHALLENGE: Damn it NeckStar, I gave you a bye last week. And then you had to go and ruin it with the pink skinny. Way to dash my dreams about how this episode would go. Time for a refill.
The one saving grace of these team episodes is the drama. There's more fighting than a hockey game. Sadly, there are also more flip flops than a hockey game. Personally, I'd rather be at a hockey game right now.
You know what else you don't see at a hockey game? Jodhpurs. But somehow we apparently need to see them every season. Poor Tim tries to help, this year even going so far as to say "Are Nina and Heidi going to ask what woman wants to be wider there?" Designers. Listen to Tim. He always knows what's right.
I love Molly Sims. She's a terrible actress, but I totally believe that she will show up in US Weekly wearing that hat. And the lines? "That tank...no." "It looked like Lower East Side." Beautiful.
I'm wondering if the men on this show choose unflattering clothes for themselves (Suzanne Sugarbaker - I'm talking to you about that cardigan - and those pink shorts that Jonathan is rocking? Not good news.) because they are so focused on how clothes look on women. Or else they just have bad taste. Hard to call.
Top 2 groups? Yeah. Good stuff. That lady over there on the couch says she would wear any of those things. Also? It's after noon, so she has switched to whiskey. She knows how to do things right.
Bottom 2 groups? We like the Upper East Side looks, with the exception of the darkened nipples on the evening look. But they are easily better than that tank top. Are you kidding? Are we expected to believe that you were going for asymmetry? I could sew better than that. Even after a morning of drinking.
SIDEBAR #4: Does anyone else think Heidi looks really weird on the cover of Marie Claire?
The Verdict: The two winners totally deserved it. But Flops should have been given the boot over Amy. Or both of them should have gone. I will be damned if Flops makes it to the top 3.
NEXT WEEK: Emilio doesn't ever listen to Tim? Great. See my advice above.
Have a great weekend kids. See you on Tuesday for Idol.
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HARDWARE CHALLENGE: Oh right. I remember watching this. Well, I remember this being on. I'd been at a happy hour that turned into an evening of tequila shots (you know how that happens). When I got home I sat in my chair, and that lady over there on the couch started giving me the downlow, since she'd watched it in real time. But then I got distracted by the fringey vest (which I'm fairly certain my parents made me wear as a youth in 1979) and a few pairs of inappropriately tailored shorts. Designers - dress thyselves. And maybe look in a mirror.
At some point that lady over there on the couch went into the kitchen to pour more balsamic in the bowl into which she was dipping her bread. "So do you actually like anyone this season?" she asked. As my chair is next to the kitchen, it was easy to turn my head from all the hammering to answer, "I like the guy who always wears the floppy hat. He seems nice and doesn't dress like a fool, aside from all the American Apparel deep v-necks."
Little did I know that I was about to bid farewell to Floppy. Because I drifted in and out of sleep during the episode, sitting fully upright in my chair, to catch glimpses of copper bodices, trashbag pants and an unfortunate washer bikini that actually deserved to go home before Floppy. So even though I didn't get the full effect of the disasters that ensued, I feel that I was drunk enough to adequately judge. I'll miss you Floppy. As such, let's move on.
SIDEBAR #1: "I love that guy. I mean, he's so annoying, but I love listening to his voice. He's like Blanche DuBois." - That Lady Over There On the Couch; "I think he's more like Suzanne Sugarbaker. And not in a good way." - Me.
EARTH, WIND & FIRE CHALLENGE: Let's start the episode with a performance that is as scripted and as wooden as the commercial episode of America's Next Top Model. Thanks, Philip Carreon. I've really found my inspiration in the natural world.
Now, while the designers are sketching or shopping or something, let's talk. (Wait, are you really being inspired by a shark? Do you really...oh, never mind.) I don't think I realized before now that the women are all fairly normal and don't dress like costume designers. Whereas all of the men (excepting NeckStars and Suzanne Sugarbaker, who have their own signature looks that have not yet annoyed me) dress like gay hobos from Cleveland (apologies to Cleveland - to be fair, I've never been to Cleveland - I'm sure it's very nice). I will say right now that I am putting my foot down. NO MORE CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS. Seriously, Igor, you're on national TV. Put on some normal pants (or if you must, at least shorts with a hem) and maybe something with SLEEVES. Sweater set? I'm talking to you too. Just because you roll them up, that doesn't make it ok. And if I see you flopping around in those dirty white flops for one more week...I'm going to visibly cringe. Everyone else? Stop with the tapered pants/shorts/douchescarves. I. JUST. CANNOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.
SIDEBAR #2: "I want her to to look like she's enveloped in laughter." What? What the hell does that mean? God, there is not enough vodka in the world for this.
God. Please stop saying "laughter." Do you realize every time you spout that idiocy I have to take a drink and close my eyes to contain myself. Although I can't give you laughter, I would like to show you what it looks like to be enveloped in anger and thirst. (You know, I would like to, but the time spent looking for my camera would be more productive spent mixing a bloody mary.)
Oh Tim. Leave it to you to make everything better for me. "You look like you're in the middle of a Make It Work moment." Tim, combined with the sweet nectar that is Belvedere has made it possible for me to stomach this runway show.
Wow, that's a lot of grey. But Heidi made it worth it with her "your shark teeth came back to bite you" line. And with her "Amy...you're in." Because that's the way this episode needed to end.
LAUGHTER COUNT: 7 (that's too many for one 40 minute episode)
SIDEBAR #3: And because my Tivo cut off most of the preview for next week, I'm going to imagine what I hope will happen. Let's start with Heidi telling the designers that Tim is going to meet them in the Designer's Lounge. And then Tim sits them down and says "OK designers, we're going to go out into the city. But first we're going to shake things up. Behind me you'll see a number of bags from the Gap. It is my pleasure to tell you that all of the men are going to change out of their skinny jeans and put on something normal. Because we can't have you swanning around in public in what you're wearing now. And then we'll go to Mood!"
That would be great.
NEIGHBORHOOD TEAM CHALLENGE: Damn it NeckStar, I gave you a bye last week. And then you had to go and ruin it with the pink skinny. Way to dash my dreams about how this episode would go. Time for a refill.
The one saving grace of these team episodes is the drama. There's more fighting than a hockey game. Sadly, there are also more flip flops than a hockey game. Personally, I'd rather be at a hockey game right now.
You know what else you don't see at a hockey game? Jodhpurs. But somehow we apparently need to see them every season. Poor Tim tries to help, this year even going so far as to say "Are Nina and Heidi going to ask what woman wants to be wider there?" Designers. Listen to Tim. He always knows what's right.
I love Molly Sims. She's a terrible actress, but I totally believe that she will show up in US Weekly wearing that hat. And the lines? "That tank...no." "It looked like Lower East Side." Beautiful.
I'm wondering if the men on this show choose unflattering clothes for themselves (Suzanne Sugarbaker - I'm talking to you about that cardigan - and those pink shorts that Jonathan is rocking? Not good news.) because they are so focused on how clothes look on women. Or else they just have bad taste. Hard to call.
Top 2 groups? Yeah. Good stuff. That lady over there on the couch says she would wear any of those things. Also? It's after noon, so she has switched to whiskey. She knows how to do things right.
Bottom 2 groups? We like the Upper East Side looks, with the exception of the darkened nipples on the evening look. But they are easily better than that tank top. Are you kidding? Are we expected to believe that you were going for asymmetry? I could sew better than that. Even after a morning of drinking.
SIDEBAR #4: Does anyone else think Heidi looks really weird on the cover of Marie Claire?
The Verdict: The two winners totally deserved it. But Flops should have been given the boot over Amy. Or both of them should have gone. I will be damned if Flops makes it to the top 3.
NEXT WEEK: Emilio doesn't ever listen to Tim? Great. See my advice above.
Have a great weekend kids. See you on Tuesday for Idol.
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Thursday, March 18, 2010
American Idol Top 12 Results: The Day Simon Calls Ryan Out
OK friends, it's St. Patrick's Day. I've had two bottles of wine and some green cider. And I may or may not be eating garlic bread. Don't judge me. Yeah, the elimination happened four hours ago, but I don't care. Sometimes these things take precedent.
CAMEOS: David Cook - Yes. I love when past Idols come back and show the contestants how it should be done. Bring it.
Orianthi: Oh no. Awesome guitar, obviously. (Shirtless, take a lesson.) But not so much on the singing. It's not like these phrases are terribly long. Maybe you could take bigger breaths before you start to sing? I can feel relief in the fact that I got this song as a free I-Tunes single before you blew up the radio. And made me want to fast forward through this performance.
Ke$ha: Where to begin? Well, the one thing I will say is that I enjoy anyone who rocks it drunk. And by "rocks it" I mean "struts around on stage in an Indian headdress."
SIDEBAR #1: Don't sing, Dawg.
BOTTOM 3: YNKL. Yes. Fauxfron. Ok. Pink Shampoo. Yes. And yes, I knew Tim would be sent back. Ask that lady next to me on the couch.
SIDEBAR #2: Damn it, McDonalds. I just got that stupid Filet O' Fish song out of my head. Where it has remained for the past two weeks. You suck.
JUDGES SAVE: I swear, if Simon doesn't stop pimping Paige, I will start to get riled up. I'd almost rather she went home now. But at least we didn't really have to worry about the judges keeping Shampoo around. See you in the salon, Lacey. Good job, America.
FAREWELL SONG: I haven't mentioned this before, but this is my favorite Will Young song. Good job, Simon.
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CAMEOS: David Cook - Yes. I love when past Idols come back and show the contestants how it should be done. Bring it.
Orianthi: Oh no. Awesome guitar, obviously. (Shirtless, take a lesson.) But not so much on the singing. It's not like these phrases are terribly long. Maybe you could take bigger breaths before you start to sing? I can feel relief in the fact that I got this song as a free I-Tunes single before you blew up the radio. And made me want to fast forward through this performance.
Ke$ha: Where to begin? Well, the one thing I will say is that I enjoy anyone who rocks it drunk. And by "rocks it" I mean "struts around on stage in an Indian headdress."
SIDEBAR #1: Don't sing, Dawg.
BOTTOM 3: YNKL. Yes. Fauxfron. Ok. Pink Shampoo. Yes. And yes, I knew Tim would be sent back. Ask that lady next to me on the couch.
SIDEBAR #2: Damn it, McDonalds. I just got that stupid Filet O' Fish song out of my head. Where it has remained for the past two weeks. You suck.
JUDGES SAVE: I swear, if Simon doesn't stop pimping Paige, I will start to get riled up. I'd almost rather she went home now. But at least we didn't really have to worry about the judges keeping Shampoo around. See you in the salon, Lacey. Good job, America.
FAREWELL SONG: I haven't mentioned this before, but this is my favorite Will Young song. Good job, Simon.
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Tuesday, March 16, 2010
American Idol Top 12: The Day Simon Buys a New Sweater
Yes. I neglected to write anything about the third semi-final round. And about the Top 12. You know why? Because I am sad. I am sad to have lost Alex Lambert and Katelyn Epperly. That's right - I'm so sad that I'm not even giving them some sort of snarky nickname (even though they're only created out of love). I won't go so far as to say "This is the worst season of Idol ever!" because I'm tired of hearing that every year. This season has its good and its bad - just like every other season. Did some good people go home? Yes. Did some people who should have gone home stick around? Yes. Oh well. Let's get to the judgment for our first finals round.
Big Poppa (Miss You) The first thing I notice, aside from your wallet chain (what's with you and the wallet chains this year, stylists? Stoppit.) and your weird sleeveless thing/tapered jeans, is your inexplicable tribute to Scott Stapp. We do not need to stand like the cross. Ok, that notwithstanding, and without me liking the Rolling Stones very much at all, this was a good performance. As Kara surprisingly eloquently put it (ugh, I'm quoting Kara) you were full of swagger, style and attitude.
SIDEBAR #1: Woah Ryan, settle down. That was kind of bordering on inappropriate.
Crazy Cat Lady (Play With Fire) Yes. This was Didi's best performance since Hollywood week. Although I will have to argue with Ellen that the word "fire" was actually spread out over four syllables. The only thing I will complain about is the song (sorry, Mick): it just reminds me of "Walk Through the Fire" from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling. Yes, that was written after this song, but I like it better. So there.
The Shirtless Wonder (It's All Over Now) - This is what Constantine was trying to be: sexy and rocker, except it just came off creepy and Broadway. But SW is pulling it off, with a little help from some awesome guitar skills. And it helps that you're from the south - you're going to reel in the votes. I say Top 6. (But I'll agree with Simon just a little bit - there could definitely have been more. Get yourself a cordless pickup and rock the stage Bo Bice-style.)
SIDEBAR #2: I love you, Ellen.
Pink Shampoo (Ruby Tuesday) - Sorry Nikki (and I brought this up last season with Charo - Vanessa Olivarez, Amy Adams, Gina Glocksen, and on some occasions, Jessica Sierra and even Jordin) your hair is not going to cover up the fact that you're not terribly engaging on stage and your voice just gets swallowed up in that big space, especially when you are flat. The swaying hands completely covered you up. Simon's right - you have to try something new if we don't want another Rockin' Robin situation on our hands. Oh, PS: I didn't love the string quartet, and really don't understand that corset.
SIDEBAR #3: I hate when The Dawg says "best of the night so far" when there have been only three performances.
Gangsta Gokey (Gimme Shelter) - Wallet. Chain. Come on. That's all I am remembering from this performance, except for the fact that I did not like it. This was the opposite of intense. (Oh thanks, Kara, for taking the words out of my mouth. Rude.)
Rory Waldorf (Wild Horses) - What the hell? Are those wings? Oh. Never mind. Anyway. I feel that I've said this before. I love a nice alto voice. But I only love it when it sings the low notes really well. And this low stuff was not great. Higher notes? Yes, they were better. But still not my favorite.
Abs Fauxfron (Under My Thumb) - I'm going to ignore your weird Jason Mraz/reggae version of this song (or maybe that's the way the original sounds, but I doubt it) and just focus on your biceps in the tight henley. (Good job on this one, stylists.) Oh, except that's all there is. I suppose, props for a different arrangement - but Mraz would rock this hardcore. And you did not.
Big Love (Paint It Black) - No, I have not yet forgiven you for your poor McPheever impersonation two weeks ago. I'm also not going to forgive you for your combat boots/prom dress combo. Or the fact that this arrangement was already by Vanessa Carlton. And she didn't sound like she needed a Claritin D. Your screechy high notes are only going to get you so far in this competition.
SIDEBAR #4: Judges - no. Even you, Simon. No. That was not good.
My Main Man (Beast of Burden) - Although I don't love this song as a song, as a performance it totally worked for me. I would buy this as a single...but I don't know that I'd play it over and over again. Simon's right - rock it out next week. For me, ok? Please?
You're No Kimberley Locke (Honky Tonk Woman) - Kimberley would have rocked this Band of Gold style. I disliked the performance even more than I dislike your leggings/safari extravaganza. And I'm not going to spend any more time on it. (Oh and Ellen? Yes - we can tell she was struggling.)
Mini Situation (Angie) - FYI: My friend Erica selected this name based solely on the spike. And then you got rid of it in favor of an Ellen fauxhawk. That's just rude. Anyway. Is that a leather shirt, Situation? I can't even...the hair, the out of rhythm shaking of the hips...never mind. It sounds fine. I'm not...Ugh.
SIDEBAR #5: Crying dad. Come on producers, did Ginger really need the help?
Ginger Vitis (You Can't Always Get What You Want) - OK fine. I'm on board. I just needed you to really rock it out Jewel-style. But remember - Jewel never fixed her teeth. Whiten all you want, but don't forget where you came from, Ginger.
SIDEBAR #6: You got it Ellen. Less thinking. More drinking. BRB.
SHOULD GO: YNKL (Paige) or Pink Shampoo (Lacey)
WILL GO: Pink
Tomorrow night - An appearance by Cook! Bring it!
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Big Poppa (Miss You) The first thing I notice, aside from your wallet chain (what's with you and the wallet chains this year, stylists? Stoppit.) and your weird sleeveless thing/tapered jeans, is your inexplicable tribute to Scott Stapp. We do not need to stand like the cross. Ok, that notwithstanding, and without me liking the Rolling Stones very much at all, this was a good performance. As Kara surprisingly eloquently put it (ugh, I'm quoting Kara) you were full of swagger, style and attitude.
SIDEBAR #1: Woah Ryan, settle down. That was kind of bordering on inappropriate.
Crazy Cat Lady (Play With Fire) Yes. This was Didi's best performance since Hollywood week. Although I will have to argue with Ellen that the word "fire" was actually spread out over four syllables. The only thing I will complain about is the song (sorry, Mick): it just reminds me of "Walk Through the Fire" from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling. Yes, that was written after this song, but I like it better. So there.
The Shirtless Wonder (It's All Over Now) - This is what Constantine was trying to be: sexy and rocker, except it just came off creepy and Broadway. But SW is pulling it off, with a little help from some awesome guitar skills. And it helps that you're from the south - you're going to reel in the votes. I say Top 6. (But I'll agree with Simon just a little bit - there could definitely have been more. Get yourself a cordless pickup and rock the stage Bo Bice-style.)
SIDEBAR #2: I love you, Ellen.
Pink Shampoo (Ruby Tuesday) - Sorry Nikki (and I brought this up last season with Charo - Vanessa Olivarez, Amy Adams, Gina Glocksen, and on some occasions, Jessica Sierra and even Jordin) your hair is not going to cover up the fact that you're not terribly engaging on stage and your voice just gets swallowed up in that big space, especially when you are flat. The swaying hands completely covered you up. Simon's right - you have to try something new if we don't want another Rockin' Robin situation on our hands. Oh, PS: I didn't love the string quartet, and really don't understand that corset.
SIDEBAR #3: I hate when The Dawg says "best of the night so far" when there have been only three performances.
Gangsta Gokey (Gimme Shelter) - Wallet. Chain. Come on. That's all I am remembering from this performance, except for the fact that I did not like it. This was the opposite of intense. (Oh thanks, Kara, for taking the words out of my mouth. Rude.)
Rory Waldorf (Wild Horses) - What the hell? Are those wings? Oh. Never mind. Anyway. I feel that I've said this before. I love a nice alto voice. But I only love it when it sings the low notes really well. And this low stuff was not great. Higher notes? Yes, they were better. But still not my favorite.
Abs Fauxfron (Under My Thumb) - I'm going to ignore your weird Jason Mraz/reggae version of this song (or maybe that's the way the original sounds, but I doubt it) and just focus on your biceps in the tight henley. (Good job on this one, stylists.) Oh, except that's all there is. I suppose, props for a different arrangement - but Mraz would rock this hardcore. And you did not.
Big Love (Paint It Black) - No, I have not yet forgiven you for your poor McPheever impersonation two weeks ago. I'm also not going to forgive you for your combat boots/prom dress combo. Or the fact that this arrangement was already by Vanessa Carlton. And she didn't sound like she needed a Claritin D. Your screechy high notes are only going to get you so far in this competition.
SIDEBAR #4: Judges - no. Even you, Simon. No. That was not good.
My Main Man (Beast of Burden) - Although I don't love this song as a song, as a performance it totally worked for me. I would buy this as a single...but I don't know that I'd play it over and over again. Simon's right - rock it out next week. For me, ok? Please?
You're No Kimberley Locke (Honky Tonk Woman) - Kimberley would have rocked this Band of Gold style. I disliked the performance even more than I dislike your leggings/safari extravaganza. And I'm not going to spend any more time on it. (Oh and Ellen? Yes - we can tell she was struggling.)
Mini Situation (Angie) - FYI: My friend Erica selected this name based solely on the spike. And then you got rid of it in favor of an Ellen fauxhawk. That's just rude. Anyway. Is that a leather shirt, Situation? I can't even...the hair, the out of rhythm shaking of the hips...never mind. It sounds fine. I'm not...Ugh.
SIDEBAR #5: Crying dad. Come on producers, did Ginger really need the help?
Ginger Vitis (You Can't Always Get What You Want) - OK fine. I'm on board. I just needed you to really rock it out Jewel-style. But remember - Jewel never fixed her teeth. Whiten all you want, but don't forget where you came from, Ginger.
SIDEBAR #6: You got it Ellen. Less thinking. More drinking. BRB.
SHOULD GO: YNKL (Paige) or Pink Shampoo (Lacey)
WILL GO: Pink
Tomorrow night - An appearance by Cook! Bring it!
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Thursday, March 4, 2010
American Idol Top 20 Girls: The Day Ryan Defies All Logic By Saying the Word "Yudges"
Seriously, Ryan? What was that? It seems that each episode starts with more and more reasons to make me say "Whaaaaa?" Maybe the producers are trying to get me drunk before the madness even starts. Because if The Dawg's incessant use of the words "hot" and "yo" doesn't make you pick up the glass, Kara's inexplicably gigantic ponytail will.
Ginger Vitis/Tough Cookie (Crystal Bowersox) - "Long As I Can See The Light" by CCR: Is this hammond week? Not that I'm complaining. But come on, Rickey. Let's mix it up a bit, OK? As phase one of the makeover begins, Ginger starts with some teeth whitening (hence the attempt to transition away from week 1's label) and some excellently applied makeup, resulting in a decidedly Jewel Kilcher look. And as we all know, I'm a huge fan of the Jewel. (Shut up.) Awesome performance as always, Ginger. Next week, how about some "Love and Gravy?"
SIDEBAR #1: "Misunderestimated?" Simon?
Way Too Smiley Cyrus (Haeley Vaughn) - "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus: Uh...it's no surprise that you make flowered headbands. And it's no surprise that you decided to rock the Miley, because you're, what? 16? (Don't think I didn't notice the other teenager in the group singing along from up on high.) When this first started off, I was enjoying the control - although I paused to say "Come on, can't you hit that high note?" Oh. I see. Never mind. Stick to making headbands.
Shampoo Girl (Lacey Brown) - "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer: Let's get the technical stuff out of the way, so I can go refill my screwdriver (btw, I'm watching this in the AM). Not a great starting note, and you really need some breath support. Sixpence music doesn't feature particularly complex phrasing, so you should be able to make it through each line without losing steam. Still, karaoke aside (ugh, I'm agreeing with The Dawg) this wasn't a bad performance. But don't forget - even TMB had some good weeks. Remember that as you're dialing, America.
SIDEBAR #2: Damn it, Kara. Now she's going to sing REM next week.
Blair Waldorf (Katie Stevens) - "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Ray: I love me some alto. Just stay down there and develop your lower notes. Yeah yeah, Dawg, she can sing the higher notes too, but let's listen to something different.
SIDEBAR #3: Seacrest, stop trying to pimp Justin Bieber. I'm sure he hearts you.
Crazy Cat Lady (Didi Benami) - "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers: Uh...was the beginning of the verse all weird to anyone else? This was a strange attempt to try and mimic Brooke/Barefoot Potbelly from a couple of years ago. You know who gives you the best advice? Ellen. Because she said exactly what I'd said as this performance began: "I wish this had been Lovely Day." Your vocal quality is awesome - get back behind your guitar and find some better songs.
Leo-not-a Lewis (Michelle Delamor) - "Arms Wide Open" by Creed: Don't judge me. I totally have this cd. I don't care when you say - you can't help but enjoy some Scott Stapp. But let's talk, Leonota. This song is about a man finding out he's about to be a father. I bet you don't understand what that's like. And you left the mic stand without making the sign of the cross even once. Epic fail.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) - "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke: Come on Season 9. Did none of you watch last year's final performance episode with Kris and Adam? In but one week, we've covered both of their "meaningful" songs. And not that these songs can't be touched anymore...just give us some more space, ok? Oh. The song is over. It was fine. Good, even. Points for rocking the twelve string. And for all the other instruments.
Why are the judges going so crazy for this? Was it more awesome than I remember? Maybe I'll rewind.
Nope. Thanks for validating my opinion, Simon.
90210 Naomi (Katelyn Epperly) - "The Scientist" by Coldplay: Yeeeeeeessss. Sure, a bit too slow, and there were no T's at the end of your phrases, but this is by far my favorite performance of the night. The slowness worked to your advantage - it showed America that you really can sing. Natasha Bedingfield does a nice cover of this, so I was nervous...and you more than rocked it, Naomi. Well done. (P.S. I hope you've been to the Carlos O'Kelly's in WDSM. Then we can be friends.)
SIDEBAR #4 - "I loved that you played the guitar." Oh Ellen. Thanks for bringing us back a little bit of Paula.
SIDEBAR #5 - Simon and I are on the same page today. But of course he knows about Natasha's version.
Paige Miles - "Walk Away" by Kelly Clarkson: This is one of my favorite Kelly songs. And the beginning was pretty darn good. The end? Not so much. But. I can kind of see why Simon says you have a great voice. It's just not showing up much right now. You might be in trouble this week. The Idol voters do not take kindly to people who attempt to channel Kelly. As such, I am not going to spend time figuring out a witty name for you. Instead, I will go freshen up this bloody mary.
Mohawk Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) - "Think" by Aretha Franklin: *jaws clenched* No. Don't tamper with my McPheever. I'm going to sit here with my arms crossed.
.....
Nice note at the end, but I'm not buying it. And I just listened to McPheever's live performance. She had peaks and valleys and sass and soul. Mohawk? No.
SHOULD GO: Smiley/Shampoo
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Paige/Blair/Leonota
WILL GO: Shampoo/Paige
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Ginger Vitis/Tough Cookie (Crystal Bowersox) - "Long As I Can See The Light" by CCR: Is this hammond week? Not that I'm complaining. But come on, Rickey. Let's mix it up a bit, OK? As phase one of the makeover begins, Ginger starts with some teeth whitening (hence the attempt to transition away from week 1's label) and some excellently applied makeup, resulting in a decidedly Jewel Kilcher look. And as we all know, I'm a huge fan of the Jewel. (Shut up.) Awesome performance as always, Ginger. Next week, how about some "Love and Gravy?"
SIDEBAR #1: "Misunderestimated?" Simon?
Way Too Smiley Cyrus (Haeley Vaughn) - "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus: Uh...it's no surprise that you make flowered headbands. And it's no surprise that you decided to rock the Miley, because you're, what? 16? (Don't think I didn't notice the other teenager in the group singing along from up on high.) When this first started off, I was enjoying the control - although I paused to say "Come on, can't you hit that high note?" Oh. I see. Never mind. Stick to making headbands.
Shampoo Girl (Lacey Brown) - "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer: Let's get the technical stuff out of the way, so I can go refill my screwdriver (btw, I'm watching this in the AM). Not a great starting note, and you really need some breath support. Sixpence music doesn't feature particularly complex phrasing, so you should be able to make it through each line without losing steam. Still, karaoke aside (ugh, I'm agreeing with The Dawg) this wasn't a bad performance. But don't forget - even TMB had some good weeks. Remember that as you're dialing, America.
SIDEBAR #2: Damn it, Kara. Now she's going to sing REM next week.
Blair Waldorf (Katie Stevens) - "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Ray: I love me some alto. Just stay down there and develop your lower notes. Yeah yeah, Dawg, she can sing the higher notes too, but let's listen to something different.
SIDEBAR #3: Seacrest, stop trying to pimp Justin Bieber. I'm sure he hearts you.
Crazy Cat Lady (Didi Benami) - "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers: Uh...was the beginning of the verse all weird to anyone else? This was a strange attempt to try and mimic Brooke/Barefoot Potbelly from a couple of years ago. You know who gives you the best advice? Ellen. Because she said exactly what I'd said as this performance began: "I wish this had been Lovely Day." Your vocal quality is awesome - get back behind your guitar and find some better songs.
Leo-not-a Lewis (Michelle Delamor) - "Arms Wide Open" by Creed: Don't judge me. I totally have this cd. I don't care when you say - you can't help but enjoy some Scott Stapp. But let's talk, Leonota. This song is about a man finding out he's about to be a father. I bet you don't understand what that's like. And you left the mic stand without making the sign of the cross even once. Epic fail.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) - "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke: Come on Season 9. Did none of you watch last year's final performance episode with Kris and Adam? In but one week, we've covered both of their "meaningful" songs. And not that these songs can't be touched anymore...just give us some more space, ok? Oh. The song is over. It was fine. Good, even. Points for rocking the twelve string. And for all the other instruments.
Why are the judges going so crazy for this? Was it more awesome than I remember? Maybe I'll rewind.
Nope. Thanks for validating my opinion, Simon.
90210 Naomi (Katelyn Epperly) - "The Scientist" by Coldplay: Yeeeeeeessss. Sure, a bit too slow, and there were no T's at the end of your phrases, but this is by far my favorite performance of the night. The slowness worked to your advantage - it showed America that you really can sing. Natasha Bedingfield does a nice cover of this, so I was nervous...and you more than rocked it, Naomi. Well done. (P.S. I hope you've been to the Carlos O'Kelly's in WDSM. Then we can be friends.)
SIDEBAR #4 - "I loved that you played the guitar." Oh Ellen. Thanks for bringing us back a little bit of Paula.
SIDEBAR #5 - Simon and I are on the same page today. But of course he knows about Natasha's version.
Paige Miles - "Walk Away" by Kelly Clarkson: This is one of my favorite Kelly songs. And the beginning was pretty darn good. The end? Not so much. But. I can kind of see why Simon says you have a great voice. It's just not showing up much right now. You might be in trouble this week. The Idol voters do not take kindly to people who attempt to channel Kelly. As such, I am not going to spend time figuring out a witty name for you. Instead, I will go freshen up this bloody mary.
Mohawk Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) - "Think" by Aretha Franklin: *jaws clenched* No. Don't tamper with my McPheever. I'm going to sit here with my arms crossed.
.....
Nice note at the end, but I'm not buying it. And I just listened to McPheever's live performance. She had peaks and valleys and sass and soul. Mohawk? No.
SHOULD GO: Smiley/Shampoo
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Paige/Blair/Leonota
WILL GO: Shampoo/Paige
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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
American Idol Top 20 Guys: The Day Ginger Vitis Got Sick
I've always wondered why they continue to make the girls go first each week. This is a nice change, one that I'm sure Ginger somehow planned. (I wrote that before Seacrest's announcement. Not that I feel bad for saying that she planned it - but feel better soon, Ginger!)
That said - this could be a mess. Much like Big Poppa lifting the small child in his clip montage. Wow. We're off to a good start.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) - "This Is a Man's World" by James Brown: Any song that prominently features a hammond is going to be a good time. No, this performance didn't show a ton of vocal range - but it was the absolute best way to start out this show. (I actually just had to delete the phrase "Rock on, Big Poppa!" I'm sorry I even thought it.) Ha! Pedicure. Winning.
Dead Eyes Undershirt (John Park) - "Gravity" by John Mayer: Remember what I said about the hammond? I lied. This was not a good time. The thing about John Mayer - he's really floppy on stage, but he makes it seem so effortless. Not only was this just as dead as last week, but it (wow, I'm quoting the Dawg) was nowhere near as good as the original. And that's what I want here. Change it up, dude. Make it sound like something new. Repeating the word "gravity" a few times in a bar that was meant to be full of rests is not enough.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) - "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw: The fact that I knew what song you were going to played simply by Ryan naming the list of previous contestants who have sung it, means one of two things: A) This song needs to be retired or B) I watch too much Idol. And ok, the axe is a nice touch, but you're missing the vocal awesomeness of an Elliot or a Bo. Hold on to that guitar - you're going to need it.
SIDEBAR #1: Did Kara just call herself a cougar? When she has her hair all blown out like that? Inappropriate.
Mullet Bieber/Lucky To Be Here (Alex Lambert) - "Everybody Knows" by John Legend: Let's just breeze past the mention of vomit/your weird secret language/that plaid jacket. With a slight pause at the mullet (come on stylists - work your magic), I'll say that this was pretty darn good, especially after last week. You have a great vocal quality. Bring it - but don't give us that questionable final note, ok? Just keep it up - stick around for another week or two.
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Ellen keeps bringing up both the banana and the mullet. I have no idea what is going on. Maybe I need more chardonnay.
So You Think You Can Dance (Todrick Hall) - "What's Love Got To Do With It?" by Tina Turner: You don't want to be compared to Tina? Don't sing it in her octave. God, you might as well be wearing fringe. And what's with singing female songs two weeks in a row and giving it some sort of weird R&B "arrangement"? I need you to step it up, because you have to stick around longer than DB Bus Driver. (However, I do not need this enough to vote for you.) Stoppit.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) - "What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye: Onesy and White Sox hat. God. I'm done...Nope. Wait - there's more. Please learn to freaking talk: you are making Joliet look worse than it already does. Ohhhhhh. Why do you keep giving me ammunition? Skinny jeans/bow tie/fauxhawk/Ann Taylor cardigan. I just can't even...ok fine. You're a better singer than SYTYCD. But that doesn't mean you're good. Stop with the slapdashery and the runs and nonsense.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) - "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison: The thing about James Morrison is that he's not usually flat. Like you were for this entire performance. I'm willing to forgive the scarf. But not the flatness. We're expecting better out of you. Much much better than this.
SIDEBAR #3 - Man everyone is really lovin' on the James Morrison. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy - but two songs in two weeks? Weird. Unless they're trying to get him as a guest. (If that's true, producers - please bring in Nelly Furtado too - that duet is killer.)
SIDEBAR #4 - I would kill for some chips and salsa right now.
Chicken Little 2.8 (Aaron Kelly) - "My Girl" by The Temptations: Was that? Wait. Was that? Almost...sexy? It could be the chardonnay talking. Normally I'm not a fan of chardonnay. It's usually a little too oaky for my taste. I expect my white wine to have a bit of sweetness. Much like I expected this performance to be sweeter and more...childlike. Either that or I could have enjoyed a cute "Part Time Lover" sort of vibe - something where we spend a majority of our time saying "Oh can you believe he sang that?" Don't throw things off by singing well and performing well and...oh fine. Whatever.
Zac FauxFron (Tim Urban) - "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson: Wise - staying away from all the falsetto notes in this song. Also wise? The tight t-shirt. Because after all the shirtless and the popwatch and the publicity - you're through to the next round. Yes - this wasn't much better than that one guy I heard at the Potbelly that one time. But it was still way better than last week.
The Recipient of Most of My Votes (Lee Dewyze) - "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder: Good song. Relevent. Modern. And I'm forgiving all of your floppy knit caps, because you're my number one guy right now. Please don't let me down. Don't let Chicago down. DON'T LET US DOWN. No pressure.
SIDEBAR #5: Thank god Bo Bice pioneered the "walking around with the mic stand" movement. Otherwise, what would all the rockers do on this stage?
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver & SYTYCD
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Dead Eyes Undershirt & Straight Up Gangsta
WILL GO: Dead Eyes & SYTYCD
Continue Reading
That said - this could be a mess. Much like Big Poppa lifting the small child in his clip montage. Wow. We're off to a good start.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) - "This Is a Man's World" by James Brown: Any song that prominently features a hammond is going to be a good time. No, this performance didn't show a ton of vocal range - but it was the absolute best way to start out this show. (I actually just had to delete the phrase "Rock on, Big Poppa!" I'm sorry I even thought it.) Ha! Pedicure. Winning.
Dead Eyes Undershirt (John Park) - "Gravity" by John Mayer: Remember what I said about the hammond? I lied. This was not a good time. The thing about John Mayer - he's really floppy on stage, but he makes it seem so effortless. Not only was this just as dead as last week, but it (wow, I'm quoting the Dawg) was nowhere near as good as the original. And that's what I want here. Change it up, dude. Make it sound like something new. Repeating the word "gravity" a few times in a bar that was meant to be full of rests is not enough.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) - "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw: The fact that I knew what song you were going to played simply by Ryan naming the list of previous contestants who have sung it, means one of two things: A) This song needs to be retired or B) I watch too much Idol. And ok, the axe is a nice touch, but you're missing the vocal awesomeness of an Elliot or a Bo. Hold on to that guitar - you're going to need it.
SIDEBAR #1: Did Kara just call herself a cougar? When she has her hair all blown out like that? Inappropriate.
Mullet Bieber/Lucky To Be Here (Alex Lambert) - "Everybody Knows" by John Legend: Let's just breeze past the mention of vomit/your weird secret language/that plaid jacket. With a slight pause at the mullet (come on stylists - work your magic), I'll say that this was pretty darn good, especially after last week. You have a great vocal quality. Bring it - but don't give us that questionable final note, ok? Just keep it up - stick around for another week or two.
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Ellen keeps bringing up both the banana and the mullet. I have no idea what is going on. Maybe I need more chardonnay.
So You Think You Can Dance (Todrick Hall) - "What's Love Got To Do With It?" by Tina Turner: You don't want to be compared to Tina? Don't sing it in her octave. God, you might as well be wearing fringe. And what's with singing female songs two weeks in a row and giving it some sort of weird R&B "arrangement"? I need you to step it up, because you have to stick around longer than DB Bus Driver. (However, I do not need this enough to vote for you.) Stoppit.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) - "What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye: Onesy and White Sox hat. God. I'm done...Nope. Wait - there's more. Please learn to freaking talk: you are making Joliet look worse than it already does. Ohhhhhh. Why do you keep giving me ammunition? Skinny jeans/bow tie/fauxhawk/Ann Taylor cardigan. I just can't even...ok fine. You're a better singer than SYTYCD. But that doesn't mean you're good. Stop with the slapdashery and the runs and nonsense.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) - "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison: The thing about James Morrison is that he's not usually flat. Like you were for this entire performance. I'm willing to forgive the scarf. But not the flatness. We're expecting better out of you. Much much better than this.
SIDEBAR #3 - Man everyone is really lovin' on the James Morrison. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy - but two songs in two weeks? Weird. Unless they're trying to get him as a guest. (If that's true, producers - please bring in Nelly Furtado too - that duet is killer.)
SIDEBAR #4 - I would kill for some chips and salsa right now.
Chicken Little 2.8 (Aaron Kelly) - "My Girl" by The Temptations: Was that? Wait. Was that? Almost...sexy? It could be the chardonnay talking. Normally I'm not a fan of chardonnay. It's usually a little too oaky for my taste. I expect my white wine to have a bit of sweetness. Much like I expected this performance to be sweeter and more...childlike. Either that or I could have enjoyed a cute "Part Time Lover" sort of vibe - something where we spend a majority of our time saying "Oh can you believe he sang that?" Don't throw things off by singing well and performing well and...oh fine. Whatever.
Zac FauxFron (Tim Urban) - "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson: Wise - staying away from all the falsetto notes in this song. Also wise? The tight t-shirt. Because after all the shirtless and the popwatch and the publicity - you're through to the next round. Yes - this wasn't much better than that one guy I heard at the Potbelly that one time. But it was still way better than last week.
The Recipient of Most of My Votes (Lee Dewyze) - "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder: Good song. Relevent. Modern. And I'm forgiving all of your floppy knit caps, because you're my number one guy right now. Please don't let me down. Don't let Chicago down. DON'T LET US DOWN. No pressure.
SIDEBAR #5: Thank god Bo Bice pioneered the "walking around with the mic stand" movement. Otherwise, what would all the rockers do on this stage?
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver & SYTYCD
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Dead Eyes Undershirt & Straight Up Gangsta
WILL GO: Dead Eyes & SYTYCD
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Thursday, February 25, 2010
American Idol Top 24: Results
Just like every season, the first two episodes have set the bar pretty low. True, soon we'll separate the wheat from the chaff, but it's still going to be a long two weeks. Let's get into it, so I can get to the bar.
GROUP SONG: "American Boy" by Estelle. I'm going to say something bold. This might be the best group song I've ever heard on the Idol. Tight harmonies, good blend in each group, but without sounding like Clash of the Choirs. And until the step touch nonsense. Maybe the key this season is to only listen and not watch.
JUDGMENT: The bathrobe clip really just took precedence over anything I could make fun of. Sorry team.
CAMEOS: I love seeing Idol alums. It's amazing how much they can grow in less than a year. But that doesn't mean I won't make fun of them.
Allison Iraheta: Oh Charo, I've missed you and your craziness. And your cd is pretty darn good for the most part. But let's talk fashion. What are those rings? And what is that thing crawling up your back? If I didn't know that Invasion had been canceled years ago, I would be concerned that you're being taken over by some sort of alien. And don't try to tell me that it's part of the dress. I'm not that stupid.
Kris Allen: Although I would like MMM to shave off that little mustache, it's pretty hard to argue with images from Haiti. OK. I'll buy your song.
RESULTS: Janell Wheeler (sad...but I get it: don't sing Heart in the semis) & Eva Mendes (and yeah - don't sing a song by a Simon protege). It's all about song choice, kids.
Who? (Who?) & Constantine: The Reckoning (seriously, just call Maroulis' agent)
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GROUP SONG: "American Boy" by Estelle. I'm going to say something bold. This might be the best group song I've ever heard on the Idol. Tight harmonies, good blend in each group, but without sounding like Clash of the Choirs. And until the step touch nonsense. Maybe the key this season is to only listen and not watch.
JUDGMENT: The bathrobe clip really just took precedence over anything I could make fun of. Sorry team.
CAMEOS: I love seeing Idol alums. It's amazing how much they can grow in less than a year. But that doesn't mean I won't make fun of them.
Allison Iraheta: Oh Charo, I've missed you and your craziness. And your cd is pretty darn good for the most part. But let's talk fashion. What are those rings? And what is that thing crawling up your back? If I didn't know that Invasion had been canceled years ago, I would be concerned that you're being taken over by some sort of alien. And don't try to tell me that it's part of the dress. I'm not that stupid.
Kris Allen: Although I would like MMM to shave off that little mustache, it's pretty hard to argue with images from Haiti. OK. I'll buy your song.
RESULTS: Janell Wheeler (sad...but I get it: don't sing Heart in the semis) & Eva Mendes (and yeah - don't sing a song by a Simon protege). It's all about song choice, kids.
Who? (Who?) & Constantine: The Reckoning (seriously, just call Maroulis' agent)
Continue Reading
American Idol Top 24 Guys: The Day Ryan Forgets To Say "Idol"
Randy: "The girls blew it out last night." Great. If that was blowing it out, we're in for some disaster tonight.
So You Think You Can Dance (Toddrick Hall) "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson - Performance: fine. Singing: Mess. Don't take my favorite Kelly song and create that monstrosity. And don't freaking start off by talking. You are not Janet Jackson.
Kevin Covais (Aaron Kelly) "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts: Guess what? Wearing an untucked plaid shirt does not qualify you to sing a country song. And fast forward.....wait. Why is Simon saying that you're good? And so is Kara? What happened in that 50 seconds that I breezed through? Rewinding....oh, OK. So there were a few really good notes there near the end. And thank the sweet lord you didn't try to rock the high note. Fine. You can chicken little it up for one more week.
SIDEBAR #1: The lady next to me on the couch is currently going into convulsions. She did not care for that performance. Either that or she's having a seizure. Hard to say.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) "Get Here" by Oleta Adams: Neck tattoo, skinny jeans, Glambert boots, satin flower and a tux jacket with tails...waaaaiiiiiiit! What was that sound? Did someone step on my cat?
Sampson (Tim Urban) "Apologize" by One Republic: It might be a bit too early to rock this song after MatthewsMayerMraz rocked it so hardcore last season. And if you're not actually good at falsetto...maybe you shouldn't try a song that features it prominently in the chorus. You're lucky to be here. Think.
SIDEBAR #2: It wasn't a seizure. Don't worry.
Who? (Joe Munoz) "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz: This isn't bad per se, but it's like listening to Marc Anthony sing a really good song. And that scarf isn't doing you any favors. Have you seen Mraz in concert? He is awesome. That? Not awesome. Best of the night, Kara? Eh.
SIDEBAR #3: Thanks Dawg...I was worried we wouldn't hear "For me for you" for a while this season.
Constantine: The Reckoning (Tyler Grady) "American Woman" by The Guess Who: Don't worry kid. You've got a job as an understudy in Rock of Ages.
SIDEBAR #4: Ugh. We're only halfway through.
MMM 2.0 (Lee Dewyze) "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol: I'm pretty sure I've seen this before. And his name is Kris Allen. Luckily for you, I like Kris Allen (and so does America). I don't think those random flat notes are going to send you home this week. And Chicago pride requires me to root for you. See you next week.
Dead Eyes (John Park) "God Bless the Child": McPheever, you're not. Nor are you a bass. So don't try to hit those low notes. And stop with the freaking runs. Sorry, I don't care if you're from Chicago. You're not getting my vote.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) "This Love" by Maroon 5: I'm having a hard time finding something wrong with this. You know, aside from the wretched backup singers. Glad to see you've saddled us with those chicks again this season, producers.
Mullet Bieber (Alex Lambert) "What a Wonderful World" by James Morrison: Sure, you've got a unique sound. But you need a haircut. (Please, don't take hair advice from Ellen.) And if you want to keep calling Simon "Sir," then you just do it.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) "Heaven" by Bryan Adams: You know this bring to mind a question: How far would Bo Bice have gone if he weren't up against Carrie? Maybe we'll see.
SIDEBAR #5: Man, I'd forgotten how long these semi-final episodes are. I miss Paula.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy: It's interesting to actually understand the lyrics to a Fall Out Boy. Those dudes are weird. Now I'm not a guitar expert. But if you capo that low, you don't have much room to move around. And maybe that's why you lost your place halfway through the song.
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver, So You Think You Can Dance, Dead Eyes
WILL GO: Constantine: The Reckoning & Who?
Man, I need some more scotch.
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So You Think You Can Dance (Toddrick Hall) "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson - Performance: fine. Singing: Mess. Don't take my favorite Kelly song and create that monstrosity. And don't freaking start off by talking. You are not Janet Jackson.
Kevin Covais (Aaron Kelly) "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts: Guess what? Wearing an untucked plaid shirt does not qualify you to sing a country song. And fast forward.....wait. Why is Simon saying that you're good? And so is Kara? What happened in that 50 seconds that I breezed through? Rewinding....oh, OK. So there were a few really good notes there near the end. And thank the sweet lord you didn't try to rock the high note. Fine. You can chicken little it up for one more week.
SIDEBAR #1: The lady next to me on the couch is currently going into convulsions. She did not care for that performance. Either that or she's having a seizure. Hard to say.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) "Get Here" by Oleta Adams: Neck tattoo, skinny jeans, Glambert boots, satin flower and a tux jacket with tails...waaaaiiiiiiit! What was that sound? Did someone step on my cat?
Sampson (Tim Urban) "Apologize" by One Republic: It might be a bit too early to rock this song after MatthewsMayerMraz rocked it so hardcore last season. And if you're not actually good at falsetto...maybe you shouldn't try a song that features it prominently in the chorus. You're lucky to be here. Think.
SIDEBAR #2: It wasn't a seizure. Don't worry.
Who? (Joe Munoz) "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz: This isn't bad per se, but it's like listening to Marc Anthony sing a really good song. And that scarf isn't doing you any favors. Have you seen Mraz in concert? He is awesome. That? Not awesome. Best of the night, Kara? Eh.
SIDEBAR #3: Thanks Dawg...I was worried we wouldn't hear "For me for you" for a while this season.
Constantine: The Reckoning (Tyler Grady) "American Woman" by The Guess Who: Don't worry kid. You've got a job as an understudy in Rock of Ages.
SIDEBAR #4: Ugh. We're only halfway through.
MMM 2.0 (Lee Dewyze) "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol: I'm pretty sure I've seen this before. And his name is Kris Allen. Luckily for you, I like Kris Allen (and so does America). I don't think those random flat notes are going to send you home this week. And Chicago pride requires me to root for you. See you next week.
Dead Eyes (John Park) "God Bless the Child": McPheever, you're not. Nor are you a bass. So don't try to hit those low notes. And stop with the freaking runs. Sorry, I don't care if you're from Chicago. You're not getting my vote.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) "This Love" by Maroon 5: I'm having a hard time finding something wrong with this. You know, aside from the wretched backup singers. Glad to see you've saddled us with those chicks again this season, producers.
Mullet Bieber (Alex Lambert) "What a Wonderful World" by James Morrison: Sure, you've got a unique sound. But you need a haircut. (Please, don't take hair advice from Ellen.) And if you want to keep calling Simon "Sir," then you just do it.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) "Heaven" by Bryan Adams: You know this bring to mind a question: How far would Bo Bice have gone if he weren't up against Carrie? Maybe we'll see.
SIDEBAR #5: Man, I'd forgotten how long these semi-final episodes are. I miss Paula.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy: It's interesting to actually understand the lyrics to a Fall Out Boy. Those dudes are weird. Now I'm not a guitar expert. But if you capo that low, you don't have much room to move around. And maybe that's why you lost your place halfway through the song.
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver, So You Think You Can Dance, Dead Eyes
WILL GO: Constantine: The Reckoning & Who?
Man, I need some more scotch.
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Wednesday, February 24, 2010
American Idol Top 24 Girls: The Day Ryan Jinxes Everyone
"So here's the math. For the next three weeks, each group will take the stage separately. And based on your votes, we will lose the bottom two girls and the bottom two guys until we get down to your top 12. Sounds easy, but you're gonna have to make some tough calls because this year's group really is incredible and has great potential." Good job, Ryan. I'm now expecting the worst live show in history.
SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.
Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.
Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.
Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.
SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"
Awesome.
Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.
SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.
Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.
SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.
Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)
Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.
Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.
Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)
Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.
But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.
(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.
SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.
So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?
BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.
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SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.
Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.
Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.
Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.
SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"
Awesome.
Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.
SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.
Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.
SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.
Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)
Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.
Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.
Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)
Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.
But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.
(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.
SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.
So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?
BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.
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Thursday, February 18, 2010
Project Runway: Four Episodes At Once
Oh children. I've toyed with you and dangled the proverbial carrot in front of your faces by making promises that I can't keep. Sadly, I don't like carrots - they taste like dirt. I like wine. So tonight, while drinking the better part of the four bottles of Vinho Verde I just purchased from the Trader Joe's, we're going to catch up with Project Runway.
POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
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POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
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