Top Chef 6: Bland Doesn't Even Begin To Describe

Wow. It is far too late to be awake. But this is what happens when one passes out on a futon at 9pm and then wakes up at midnight. You get a second wind, all ready to harshly judge those with talents you do not possess. On the other hand, you're far more likely to sit at your computer and say the word "possess" over and over, convinced that there should only be three s's. Lack of sleep will do that to you.

Or it could be the triple vodka limeade I just had. Hard to say.

I really hope we start separating the wheat from the chaff soon. Because I'm tired of the boring people taking up space. And as we've seen, if we don't eliminate them now, they might swoop in and win the whole thing. Yeah, Canned Crab, I'm talking to you.

FOB (Ron): Seriously, I have no idea what you are saying. I caught a "Bob Marley" and a "love and peace" somewhere in there, but most of the time I can only focus on your crazy red-orange crocs. Try some diction.

Jamie Lee Walsh (Robin): You're going to have to do something to make me have an opinion about you. Something. Anything. Please. UPDATE: I decided that you vaguely remind me of Carol Potter, the mom from the original 90210, with just a hint (a soupcon, if you will) of hermaphrodite thrown in. Do something interesting and maybe that will change.

Blanched (Preeti): I know. I'm struggling. But not everyone can be named "Lame." And the blanch water was just the beginning of the disaster that was Preeti this week.

OBSERVATION #1 - Everyone who thinks that doing three kinds of potatoes makes you better? A number is not impressive. Just cook food that is good and stop throwing ingredients in there.

Cain (Michael V): I'm going to get tired of the whole "I won one, he won one" thing real fast. Especially if they're going to show the one that didn't win looking all despondent after the fact. But I have to hand it to Cain - cooking bacon is always the way to go. Gail will eat it all day every day, and that's what we want to hear.

Jerz (Michael I): Ha. Way to put yourself into the bottom three. Douche.

Frenchy (Mattin): I love that everyone calls you this - including people who make it impossible to understand 90% of the other words they say.

OBSERVATION #2 - I totally voted to have Gail as my co-pilot, but that's probably because I know she'd have a flask on her. And that's probably why 54% of the voters picked Tom. Come on people, live it up a little.

Veggie (Laurine): Doesn't this always happen? Someone thinks that there has to be a vegetarian dish, and they end up in the bottom three. You know why? VEGETARIAN DISHES ARE LAME. And I don't even care if I offend vegetarians. You food blows. Eat some bacon.

Atlanta Santa (Kevin): Don't get me started on your "BBQ." You know where to find the best BBQ in the South? KC Pit BBQ in Shady Springs, GA. See? The authenticity is right there in the name.

OBSERVATION #3 - Wow, Padma. Nice leopard print. Way to bring it home for your country.

Pierce (Jesse): Well, at least you finally didn't land in the bottom. But I don't think you're long for this world. Maybe take out that thing in your lip. I think it's unlucky.

OBSERVATION #4 - The mini-sodes are lame this season. I can't believe I'm actually wishing for someone to make out on a couch.

Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): You make me tired with all your winning. And your yelling at people to not talk about things other than food. And your painter's tape. At least you didn't win $15K this week.

Hector: Uh...sure.

OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you. (Yes, this is a repeat, but it's still relevant. Gail all the way!)

Fat Kid (Eli): As one who consumed 4 lbs of potato salad this weekend, I support your decision. Even though I have a feeling there was too much vinegar in there, I'll go with it. Because you didn't once call that pork stuff BBQ.

Abel (Bryan V): Don't look so sad when you don't win. Bacon trumps steak any time. Did you think about wrapping the steak in bacon? That's how you bring it home.

Angsty McLesbian (Ashley): What happened to you? Here's what should have happened right at the beginning of elimination: "I find it beyond comprehension that we have to cook for members of the military, when at least three of us (camera flash to Blanch and Ash) are not allowed to be out and proud anywhere in the institution." If you're going to make me dislike you, make it for being stupid and angry and not just stupid. "Everyone likes custard." No. No they do not.

Ash: Nice one with your chilled sweet potato custard. When I said that not everyone likes custard? I didn't mean me. I am all for it. Thank you for always making dessert, even when you don't intend to.

A double elimination would have ruled. And Padma was so riled up this week, I thought it might actually happen. But Gail probably talked her down. The voice of reason. Oh Gail.

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