Idol Finale - Live!

I'm watching this on a bit of delay for several reasons - A) I was out shopping; B) I needed to order some dinner; and C) My wine wasn't chilled yet. But don't worry, I've poured myself a nice big glass - let the madness begin!

7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.

7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.

7:05 - Carrie!

7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.

7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?

7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.

7:08 - Carly!

7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.

Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.

I don't remember all of these people.

Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.

Wow - HSM3 still sucks.

I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?

7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --

Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.

I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.

7:19 - I need more wine.

7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.

7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.

7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.

7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.

7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.

7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.

7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.

7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.

7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.

Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.

7:41 - Justin. Woo.

7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.

I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.

This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".

7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.

I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.

7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.

7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.

8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.

I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.

8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.

This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.

I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.

8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?

Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."

8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.

8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.

8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.

I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.

Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.

8:28 - Camren Manheim again!

8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?

8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?

8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.

8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.

8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.

8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.

8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.

8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.

8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.

Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.

Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."

Kate Walsh!

Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?

8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.

8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!

8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.

8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?

8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?

9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.

9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.

9:02 - Woo! It worked!

9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.

9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?

9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.

-- REWIND --

OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"

9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)

9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.

9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?

9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?

9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.

9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.

Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.
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Idol Final 2: Live!

Welcome to tonight's live finale blog! (Although I have to admit that I'm already a little annoyed that I don't have a laptop or a tv in the same room as my computer. This running back and forth makes my drink slosh, and that's not cool. Plus, my cat is really confused.) Anyway. Here we go!

7:00 - Come on MMM, could you be a little more excited?

7:01 - This has been annoying me all season. I hate how Seacrest says something like "This is a Tuesday...and THIS is American Idol. The misplaced emphasis implies a comparison dude, so you're basically saying that the two things are mutually exclusive. Wait - are you telling me that Seacrest didn't major in English? Shocking.

7:02 - New theatre, net set featuring Will Rogers stairs. But why does Kara look so angry at the fact that Camren Manheim is in the audience?

7:03 - Carly!

7:05 - It's good to admit that your director is an idiot that can't keep a live show within the allotted time period.

7:07 - I've only had two glasses of wine so far. Maybe I should make a drink.

7:10 - Trap + Trenchcoat + Backlight = Pretty Damn Cool

7:12 - This was way better than last time (except for the trouble slipping into that last note) - thank you for not screaming.

7:13 - "I love that you sang something that you sang during the season." Um, that was the rule, Randy. Good job being on top of things. "A for Adam!" Oh well. At least he can spell.

7:19 - Woo!

7:20 - Oh now you're all on board? Calling Round One for MMM? Let's remember last week when you said Gokey was a master. Remember that?

7:21 - Maybe I wouldn't be as angry at the judges if I hadn't slammed that drink.

7:27 - Those aren't words.

7:29 - Oh does St. Louis Love Adam? You also love the Cardinals and vinegar in your BBQ, so there you go.

7:30 - Katie Holmes! And Suri!

7:32 - This Minute Maid commercial is hilarious.

7:34 - The cast of Glee! Who else is psyched?

7:38 - Oh Paula. I love when you use the title of the song to make your point.

7:39 - Booooooo. Boo to Simon. Booooooooo. Round Two to WRS. Whatever. It's like this every season. Simon probably isn't even listening.

7:40 - Let's have a moment for the laziness of Simon Fuller. It's like he took the Idol Gives Back songbook and closed his eyes and pointed. Come on, without DWD, I thought we might be spared the inspiration.

7:44 - Wow, does this song suck, or is he just doing really poorly?

7:48 - Cop out! COP OUT! That performance sucked. And Randy of all people is the only one to call it out? You can't start talking about the amazing season after a song like that. Booooo.

7:49 - You can't just make a sign that says ADAM or VOTE ADAM. I know my friend Erin would agree that the signage this season has taken a major downtown. The only good one I saw this year was:

Kris
Rocks
Idol
Send Gokey Home

So true.

7:55 - Nope, it's the song. That sucks.

8:01 - I miss Carrie. I also miss when my DVR didn't cut off Idol. And force me to add ten minutes to the end of Fringe. Or in this case, Glee.

8:02 - What is that corset thing? Paired with the sparkly drama club t-shirt?

8:04 - I need another drink.

8:05 - GLEE!

----------------

OK kids, that's it for tonight's live blog. Tomorrow night's two hour performance should yield lots more angst, and probably lots more alcohol. I'll be spending the next four hours voting 02, 04 and 06, and I hope you'll do the same. Go Team MMM!
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Idol Top 3: In Which My Hopes Are Lifted Even Higher

Although this doesn't make up for the premature ouster of Charo, I'll take it. Just knowing that the last time I have to hear that dude sing his inevitable inspirational song is in the finale makes me forgive you, America. Almost.

GROUP SONG: What, you're only leaving me to judge the Ford commercial? OK then. I'll admit that I would probably buy this single if they released it. But how much do you bet that MMM was less than pleased with his animation? Inflating oneself, even if it's to blow the rain away, is not a flattering look.

JUDGMENT: Seriously MMM, can we ditch the Converse? The boots you rocked last week were much cooler.

VIDEO MONTAGES: Small towns always turn out for the Idol kids. Which is good for MMM, and to some extent DWD (not good enough though - ha!). But even with a half naked girl rushing the stage, WRS's crowd was pretty paltry - and weren't most of them forced to be there a la school assembly? Whatev. I would go see him if it got me out of Calculus too. Funny that they waited to show his montage after the commerical break - like we'd miss the fact that the other two videos weren't nearly as lame.

CAMEOS: Jordin still has some trouble with her lower register, but damn if she wasn't channeling her inner Beyonce. The hair, the dress, the Diva-esque dancec moves. All of it works. With the exception of the "fierce face" at the end that would have done Tyra proud, I enjoyed this a lot. And it was so much better than her most recent Idol appearance (last year's finale) that I enjoyed it even more. Download the single. It's good.

Katy Perry: Why are you touting Adam Lambert on an Elvis cape? Why are your eyes open so wide the whole time? And why are you a star? It can only be for your legs, because you have a terrible voice. Somewhere in the audience Tropical Crackhouse Barbie is shaking her fist at the career you stole from her.

Random African Child: Um. No thank you. Stop telling me to send my money to Uganda. I have vodka to buy.

RESULTS: Woo! I may have dreamed, but I didn't really think that MMM would be able to Blake Lewis himself right into the finale. And now I think I'm getting too hopeful. But let's remember last season - even though everyone thought that Archtastic was on a one-way march to A Moment Like This, it still wasn't His Now. So I'm going to Believe that if Cookie could rock all the way to the Time of His Life, then maybe MMM can Make Me Proud and Fly Without Wings too.

And, um...be Inside someone's Heaven?

Ew.

NEXT WEEK: Will we be treated to a Kara-penned coronation anthem? If so, who's betting on the title being "Adam Lambert Should Have My Children" or "Danny Gokey is King"? And who's betting that MMM's inevitable acoustic arrangement of it will still rock?

Check back on Monday - in which I'll continue to extoll the virtues of MatthewsMayerMraz. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be live blogging the finale episodes. Which means that the posts should get more interesting as the night wears on. Awesome.
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Idol Top 3: It's Too Late To Apologize

Yeah, so sometimes I get home at 2am. And sometimes I don't watch Idol until the day after it airs. And you know what? The harsh glare of DWD is even worse daylight hours than I could have imagined. And the judges? Completely useless. So in the interest of making something out of my day, I decided to fast forward through all the drivel.

Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Dance Little Sister Dance" by Terence Trent D’Arby - OK, I have to admit something. I didn't realize that Terence Trent D'Arby was a real person. Yeah, I've heard his name before, but I somehow thought he was a character in Dune or something. Wait, what? No. I'm not listening to the song. I'm just wondering if DWD thinks that continuing to tuck his jeans into his untied boots endears him to Glambert fans. You know, cause he's so rock.

MatthewsMayerMraz - "Apologize" by OneRepublic - I can't think of anything witty to say. This was way better than the original. And way less douchey.

WickedRaverSiriano - "One" by U2 - Yesterday's big e-mail thread was about how WRS would ruin U2. Here are some quotes:

"Baaaaaah! He's incapable of singing One without ruining it."
"Bono should never be redone. Ever."
"I just want to let you know also that Lambert ruined Whole Lotta Love for me. It came on my iPod during shuffle and I went to the next song..."

And to his credit, I think WRS lived up to our expectations. I didn't love the song to begin with - all the sap about One Love, One Life, One Whatever (I'm also about to imply that I don't care about African children too - wait for it) belongs at a wedding. Or in a production of West Side Story. (Which is exactly where I think WRS's melodramatic facial expressions belong - but I digress.) You know - I was willing to give you a chance, Wicked. UNTIL YOU SCREAMED. AGAIN. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself every week? Right. Because I am.

Carrie Underwood - IGB trip to Africa - Wait, what? Idol Gives Back without inspirational song choices and everyone dressed in white? I love you Carrie, but if I wanted to watch an infomercial, I would wait until 2am and watch Sally Struthers wander around in Zimbabwe in search of food. And I would be drunk.

DWD - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker - Why do I get the feeling that all the DWD fans dialed their asses off while simultaneously listening to their new Taylor Hicks cd? I couldn't even watch this nonsense.

MMM - "Heartless" by Kanye West - Awesome. I'm not going to apologize for standing firmly in Kamp Kris (yeah, I went with the alliteration). Again, so much better than the original. If this dude doesn't get a contract after the finale (we're not really going to delude ourselves with the notion that he's going to win, are we?) I will be seriously skeeved.

WRS - Cryin" by Aerosmith - Jocelyn, a die-hard Glambert fan politely asked me a question during yesterday's thread:

"Micky, What song do you think Adam wouldn’t ruin? Just out of curiosity."

My response?

"He should stick with actual rock songs, as opposed to pop rock...I think he could rock some Aerosmith."

Oh look. A performance that doesn't completely blow. When you're singing Aerosmith, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SCREAM. This was finally the right thing for WRS to pull out. He sang it well, nothing seemed out of place, and I could imagine an entire album of songs like this. Would I buy it? Hell no. But would I judge the people that did? Well, probably.

SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people. Do we really want to listen to another week of this? I could step on my cat's tail and get the same effect.

WILL GO: DialIdol's prediction results are too close to call. Everyone I know thinks it's DWD's time. Every poll I read says the same thing. But I'm not terribly optimistic.

TONIGHT: Katy Perry and Jordin. Finally! I'm listening to Jordin's new single, Battlefield. It's pretty much the same stuff she always puts out, but I still like it. (Whether its good live or not remains to be seen.)
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Idol Top 4 Results: In Which It Takes Me a Full Day To Come To Terms

Enough of this random order stuff. You just don't want the people to know that your bottom two also includes The Chosen One. And eliminating Charo over DWDJr? Boo. Bad form, America.

GROUP SONG: We'll miss you Charo. Because you're the only thing that made this tolerable. Well, that and Slash's solo.

JUDGMENT: Dude. Those aren't pants. They barely even pass for leggings. If you were a girl in my seventh grade class in 1989, then that might slide. But only if you were wearing an oversize New Kids t-shirt with a denim jacket. And DWD - it doesn't make you hard to have your boots sticking out over your pants. It just makes you look like you're trying too hard.

CAMEOS: Oh Paula. I love how you left your seat at the table to go and watch your pretaped performance from your dressing room. We're totally fooled. I also appreciate all the fog and the gigantic fake rocking microphone which concealed the rather obvious fact that you were lipsyncing. Whatever. I will listen to your Head Over Heels cd fondly, vocoder or not.

Daughtry: Yeah, this is a good song. But you're still flat when you sing live. And you got over losing Idol in 30 seconds? I bet.

No Doubt: No. I am not watching you sing an old song that I don't particularly like. I am fast forwarding.

RESULTS: Lame. That scream should have gotten DWD eliminated on the spot on Tuesday night. Who is voting for this douche?

NEXT WEEK: Hometown visits, and only two songs per contestant. Does this mean that Clive won't be there to recommend that Kris sing Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me or some crappy James Taylor song?
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Idol Top 4: You Shook Me All Night Long

OK, here's the thing. For me, for you, you know, it was all right. Yeah, they can sing, but I don't know man, I just wasn't feeling it. Maybe it was the arrangement, I don't know. Yeah, that's what I think - it was ok, it just, for me, wasn't great. Thanks for the words, Randy.

WickedRaverSiriano - "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin - Sigh. This came as no surprise. I wasn't even surprised by the freakishly low cut of that shirt. How else was he going to show off all those accessories? (If this music thing doesn't pan out, he could totally be a spokesperson for Claire's.) That's right, producers, I don't care if you begin and end the show with this nonsense - I am not a fan. And I never will be. Suck it.

OBSERVATION #1: Kara totally went to the stylist today and asked for a rock chick haircut. And a leather jacket. Yeah, like that's all it's going to take to get WRS to love you, open mouth or not.

Charo - "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin - I recall singing this song at the top of my lungs in the sound design lab in college with my friend Mariah. I don't know that we felt any angst at that point, but it's fun. This, on the other hand, was actually music and probably did not make people knock on her door telling her to shut up while they listened to a Brahms concerto. Yes, another song would have given her more opportunities to show her range, but mad props (not "prop" Kara) for knowing that Piece of My Heart has been done to death on this show. Finally someone is paying attention!

MatthewsMayerMraz and Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Renegade" by Styx - Good song. Even better harmonies. (No love for the backup singer that could actually sing - and sang the highest part? Harsh.) It was fun to see the contestants duet before the finale, but methinks this is just another way for the producers to pimp WRS.

OBSERVATION #2: Ok, let's talk rock fashion. Does anyone seem out of his element here? Even MMM busted out of his Plaid Shirt/Chuck Taylors look for a leather jackets and some boots. But not DWD. No. Simply untucking a billowy silk shirt does not make it rock - it just makes it look like something Jaleesa would have worn on A Different World. Add a chunky necklace and...oh wait.

MMM - "Come Together" by The Beatles - True Confessions time. I hate the Beatles. (Actually, I confessed that last season too, with the double Beatles week massacre.) It's true. I don't like their music or their wacky Liverpoolian charm. That said, I enjoyed this performance - mostly because MMM decided NOT TO SCREAM. God. Does everyone think you have to scream to make it rock?

DWDJr - "Dream On" by Aerosmith - Dude, don't you remember Biceps From Down Under's performance of this last season? Don't you remember how he got eliminated that week? Did you really think that emitting a wail not unlike that of a banshee was the right direction to go? And why are you wearing a pinstripe vest? Why did you try and get the band to give you more? Why could you not make it back to the mic in time to deliver that fist punch to the air at the end of the song? I would ask more why questions, but I'm wondering more about the "how?" As in How did you glasses not shatter during that last "note"?

OBSERVATION #3 - I guess we know what made the Idol set break down.

WRS and Charo "Slow Ride" by Foghat - Sure, this was moderately entertaining. And it was nice to watch Charo having some fun. But the harmonies were laaaaaame compared to the other duet. Besides I was too busy making fun of WSR's Beetlejuice pants (thanks Eric) to really enjoy the song.

SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people.

WILL GO: All the polls I'm reading say it's DWD's time, so I'm going with that. Mostly because I don't want to believe that MMM's time is through.

TONIGHT: Daughtry performing their new single. And a pre-taped performance by Paula of her new song "I’m Just Here for the Music"! This has to be the best news of the day. I forsee disaster. Beautiful disaster, if you will.

OTHER IDOL NEWS: Elliott Yamin's new album dropped yesterday. (Why do I always think of Macy Gray when I think about cd releases? Anyone else remember that?) The big question is - why haven't they brought him back to perform this year? He's way better than Pickler and Hicks. Put together. And where's Jordin been?

Kelly reportedly has a track on the Twilight New Moon soundtrack. I'm listening to it right now - very My December-y. It's ok. Not magical by any means, but I'll take any Kelly I can get.
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Idol Top 5 Results: In Which I Feel Vindicated

Exhausted from a marathon rehearsal, I was going to speed through the episode and go to bed. But then the beauty of the bottom three gave me so much joy that I got a second burst of energy around 1am. Thank you, America. You've made me very happy.

GROUP SONG: If Dueling Fedoras (and rosary?) had sung like this on Tuesday, he might have stuck around.

OBSERVATION #1: Did anyone else see the strange spotlight illuminating the corner of the band shell when Ryan was talking about winning a commemorative Idol Ford? I was hoping they would also raffle off a commemorative Idol upright bass, but then the lighting guy clearly got yelled at over his headset. Oh Keiren.

JUDGMENT: Wicked looked surprisingly subdued tonight, especially compared to everyone else (except MMM - does that dude own anything that isn't plaid?). Foreshadowing? Perhaps.

OBSERVATION#2: Ha! That was the best two group fakeout ever. Wicked clearly assumed that he was in first place, his "based on last night" caveat was even more beautiful - once Seacrest made the move. I frankly enjoyed watching the judges all shake their heads in disbelief. America didn't get it wrong kids...they've finally stopped listening to your nonsense.

CAMEOS: Natalie Cole: I'm not sure what that dress was. And I'm not sure if the end of the song was supposed to be on one pitch, or the several that you chose to treat us to. But you're a classy lady and infinitely better than what we saw last week. Plus, your obvious excitement to be on the Idol stage made me love you.

OBSERVATION #3: Bottom Two! Yes, I know that both Ruben and Fantasia spent some time in the bottom two (none of the other winners did, though), but this was still an indication that we might not have a Wicked victory. And that's the best news I've heard all day.

Hicks: Props for not punching Seacrest in the face when he decided that "you've lost some weight" was an appropriate greeting. Jerk. As for the song...it was typical Hicks-ian tomfoolery. (I miss you McPheever!) But it was still waaaaay better than -

Foxx: I had to fast forward through the second half of this craziness - but I held out as long as I could. Seriously? Autotune for THE ENTIRE SONG?! If I wanted to hear that, I would bust out some T-Pain. All your gyrating did not convince me that you might have love for a stripper.

RESULTS: Good job, America. I'll miss Fedoras, but the humble pie you served up tonight made it worth it. DWD in the Top Two? Maybe not so much. But I cheered anyway.

NEXT WEEK: Rock! with Slash (awesome), Daughtry (ok) and No Doubt (lame - unless Gwen decides to unleash some judgment a la Sanjaya). Allison is totally going to be in her wheelhouse for this one. And isn't about time to start singing two songs per contestant?
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Idol Top 5: How Do You Keep the Music Playing?

Full disclosure - after an afternoon of drinking in the name of networking, I listened to a number of these performances with my eyes closed. But this will give me a better indication of the cds that I will eventually purchase, so I think it was a good experiment. Plus, it has kept me from being too hungover this morning. So there you go.

MatthewsMayerMraz - "The Way You Look Tonight" - Love it. Love the look, love the song, love the performance. But I don't love the leadoff position. It shows the producers don't really think he has a chance. But I hope he proves them wrong and dark horses it up like Kara predicted.

OBSERVATION #1 - Couldn't they have gotten Michael Buble or Harry Connick or something as the mentor? Sure, Jamie Foxx played a convincing Ray, but his music is definitely in the R&B camp. Plus, he's kind of a douche (but he likes MMM, so I can't totally hate him).

Charo - "Someone to Watch Over Me" - At the risk of sounding like Randy, girl, you can sing. And this is the first time I really saw it. It wasn't quite the Kelly Clarkson "Stuff Like That There" revelation she needed to make it to the finals, but it was still download worthy. And if Barefoot Potbelly can get a record deal, then I think Charo will have no problems. Points for the cuteness of not having a boyfriend, and wondering if you should say that on tv or not. Presh.

OBSERVATION #2 - Special shout out to the stylist - Allison had an awesome look and awesome hair - now that Lo isn't around asking for a new weave every week, they obviously have more time to spend on everyone else. The suits all rocked too. Even Wicked's.

Dueling Fedoras - "My Funny Valentine" - This is one of my favorite songs of all time. But I don't get why Foxx suggested lowering the key. Or why Paula agreed that it was a good plan. Because those low notes were not pretty. And why why WHY didn't you play the piano? This was your week to shine dude, and you blew it.

OBSERVATION #3: Seriously, Paula?

Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Come Rain Come Shine" - Hold on. I'm busy watching my video of McPheever singing this song a few years ago. What? I like it better. Even though this was fine...it's all turned a little Taylor Hicks-ian for my liking. And you know how I feel about the person who took my McPheever down.

OBSERVATION #4: They're really not letting this go, are they? And did everyone read their TV Guide? Simon actually calls for a DWD victory over Wicked, 55% to 45%.

WickedRaverSiriano - "Feeling Good" - Again, Wicked decides to bust out a cover of a cover (thanks, Muse) - but at least this one was not as poor as the wretched Indi-Cash Ring of Fire (and for sure better than last year's semi-finals one-two assualt on Nina Simone and Michael Buble). Maybe I nodded off, but I don't recall any screaming. Still too many unnecessarily high notes, but no screeching. It's a nice change - I'm still not buying your cd though. Or seeing any of your shows.

SHOULD GO: Dueling Fedoras

WILL GO: Fedoras or Charo. Both make me sad. But it's getting down to the wire.

TONIGHT: Foxx and Hicks. Man, I bet that dude has been waiting for this day to come for years.
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Idol Top 7 Part II Results: In Which I Wonder If This Show Shouldn't Be Called American Stubble

The good thing about a results episode is that I can fast forward through half of it and then go to bed. I just wish that this week's cameos hadn't given me nightmares. Then again, it could also be the half dozen buffalo wings I ate at midnight, but I'm more willing to blame it on disco.

GROUP SONG: Paula - 1, Regular step-touch choreographer - 0. Yeah yeah, they were lipsyncing (and who do we have to thank for the faux headset mics? Can we still blame Britney Spears?) but for non-dancers, this was pretty kick ass. If they'd been doing work like this all along, maybe they wouldn't be so out of breath when the song is over. And five minutes later.

JUDGMENT: Group song stylist: 0. Oh come on. Have we had costumes for anything else? Go back to your community theatre production of Hair.

Group song graphic artist: -579. Was it really necessary to throw words like "DANCE!" on the big screen? Although that concept isn't as bad as the flames that are the backdrop for any fire-themed song (e.g. Ring of Fire, Light My Fire) it was not good. And get ready, I'm about to yell. COMIC SANS DOES NOT DESERVE A PLACE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

CAMEOS: Oh disco people from yesteryear. Band of Gold is one of my favorite songs, but never have my hands jumped to the fast forward button faster. (I paused for a moment to watch Big Bird flap around on the stage, but that was mostly because I was hoping that Snuffleupagus would show up.) And what's with KC and the Step Touch Jersey Girls Band? Clearly the producers thought this was the 25th reunion for the Tea Neck High School Highwaymen - it would be a scream to get some of those girls up here to dance, wouldn't it? Rock!

Archtastic: Wow. That was not good, dawg. It was pitchy, all over the place. I mean, you got up there, you did your thing, you worked it out, but it wasn't good for me.

RESULTS: Good job, America.

NEXT WEEK: Rat Pack. Good for Dueling Timberlakes if he does what he's supposed to and stays behind the piano. Good for DWD too. Everyone else (well, maybe not Wicked - he can do no wrong) may hear a lot of "You know, that song didn't really need to be changed up - the original is so iconic." Then again, people actually voted for Taylor Hicks (next week's cameo), so perhaps America's view of an "icon" is slightly askew.
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Idol Top 7 Part II: A Pool of Abdul

Disco night is never really good news, but it did give me Carrie Underwood's MacArthur Park, so I can't be totally down on it. This season was no different - one performance that I loved, and a bunch of others that make me glad I multi-tasked and started making my lunch for today in the next room.

Lo Expectations - "I’m Every Woman" by Chaka Khan - Oh come on, woman. Are you still seriously arguing? Again? Do you think that a new weave and "having fun" is all it takes to get votes? At this point in the competition, you actually have to be good. But there is a bright side to tonight's performance: I finally realized that you are ideally suited to be an American Idol backup singer.

MatthewsMayerMraz - "She Works Hard For the Money" by Donna Summer - Love it. If this kid doesn't get signed (because I'm realistic and doubt that he will win) I'm going to be mad. Although I could have done without the remnant from Simon Cowell shirt collection, I get that it's part of his beachcomber vibe. And now that it's not 40 degrees outside, I'm on board.

OBSERVATION #1: I get what Paula was trying to say about the women's department, but did she have to sound so crazy? And does Simon always have to say "I have no idea what she just said"? It's starting to get old.

Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire - I just caught Anwar's ill-fated Season 4 performance of this very song a few weeks ago on the TV Guide channel. And while DWD's version did not make me cringe in the same manner as Anwar's step-touch dancing and bell bottom jeans, it still wasn't great. DWD is destined to be a Christian rock Tom Jones. Lots of swagger, lots of yelling, and lots of looking up toward the sky. Our God is an awesome god and whatnot. He reigns from heaven above, apparently while wearing a patterned blazer.

OBSERVATION #2: Always on pitch? Really, Paula? Are we talking about the same dude?

Charo - "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer - You just know the only thing in Charo's head at the beginning of the song was "I'm sitting on the stairs while they're moving! This is so cool!" And ignoring her strange akimbo position, I was a little jealous - riding on moving sets is a blast. As for the singing, I was on Simon's side - this was a good performance. The thing about Charo is that she never changes the way she sounds (a la Overmeyer), but each week's performance is different. One criticism - I worry that time spent with a stylist would do more harm than good. (I wear the same thing every day, so maybe I'm not one to ask. I am, however, one to judge.) Those vinyl leggings should not be worn anywhere that you can't score some X.

WickedRaverSiriano - "If I Can’t Have You" by Yvonne Elliman - I'm done. There is no need to screech a high note in the middle of a good performance that might have given me a change of heart, just to prove that you can do it. We know you have range. Now stop screaming. And stop this back and forth manic/meaningful idol playlist and give me something different. A two-note singer is no better than a one-note singer.

OBSERVATION #3: Paula is not on her game tonight. She's bordering on embarassing.

Dueling Timberlakes - "Stayin’ Alive" by the Bee Gees - Dude. I'm glad you got saved, if for the simple fact that the save can no longer be used if Lo is eliminated. But this was not the way to bring it. Remember Human Nature? Remember So Small? Yeah, me neither. The save (combined with the red leather jacket and the jaunty fedora) may give you the momentum you need to stay for one more week, but that's all you get. And here's a tip - try some cardio before attempting a dance routine like that.

OBSERVATION #4: Never mind, Paula. Kara takes the cake with her "Saturday Night Live" comment.

Slumdog Fratboy - "Dim All the Lights" by Donna Summer - Yawn. Your attempt at facial hair has been completely negated by your pepto shirt and banker collar shirt. Way to make disco boring.

SHOULD GO (and hopefully) WILL GO: Slumdog and Lo, but I wouldn't disagree with a shocking DWD outster.

TONIGHT: Archtastic, KC and some other disco folk, and a group number choreographed by Paula Abdul. Um. Woo.
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Idol Top 7 Results: In Which the Suspense Is Finally Over

You know, I'm thinking that the use of the judges save has rendered the remainder of this season completely suspense-free. Perhaps that's why the apathy set in.

True, I've always been a fan of Dueling Unicorns, but Simon is right - he's not going to win. And probably won't even get a record contract anytime soon. But at least we'll have one more week of piano magic. (Gliss!) And maybe next week, America will get it right and send home Slumdog and Lo Expectations.

GROUP SONG: It's like they knew he was being voted out, no? Otherwise why does he get the chorus both times? Foreshadowing? You mean the judges didn't make their decision on the spot? Shocking.

JUDGMENT: Is it me, or does Lo Expectations dress like a rich widow going to Vegas?

CAMEOS: Miley, if you're going to headbang, maybe you shouldn't wear a prom dress. And stop raising your hand in the air. We know the song is about climbing. What? You want me to talk about her singing? That's not singing. If I wanted to write about screeching cats, I would devote much more time to WickedRaverSiriano.

JHud: Sure. But why do you always choose that song to sing live? It's not very good.

RESULTS: Finally. No more singing for your life. And I'm happy - I really am. But I feel like each week marches closer and closer to a Wicked/Downey finale and that makes me sad.

NEXT WEEK: Disco. Wicked is going to be in his element and I will probably want to hurl something at my tv. Downey is guaranteed to do some crazy Taylor Hicks-ish dancing. And Slumdog is guaranteed to strut around the stage like an entitled Sigma Chi. But if anyone trots out MacAurthur Park, I will vote for them, no questions asked.
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Idol Top 7: Well, At Least It Wasn't Mulan

Oh wait. HSM3 already treated us to that little ditty (Reflections - gag) in the semis. And do we wonder why she didn't make it? Actually, at this point, I'm wondering how half of this cast made it. Tonight's performance episode was almost like a contest to see who could get me to do other things to distract myself the fastest.

OBSERVATION #1 - I'm still mad that I had to go and watch the rest of last week's Fringe on my computer. It's just not the same. And cutting the absurd judges' entrance was probably a good plan. But only letting two judges talk for each contestant? And making Kara and Randy go at the same time? That's practically guaranteeing that half of the contestants will get virtually no constructive criticism. But whatever. The less people fawning over WickedRaver, the better.

Charo - "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith (from Armageddon) - I'm on board. Believe me. But I had a brief Overmeyer flashback during this performance. Crazy hair, growl - the only difference? I don't believe that Charo got her voice from smoking too much crack.

Slumdog Fratboy - "Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams (from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) - Yawn. I like this better when Brandy sings it. You hear me Slumdog? I like BRANDY circa 1998 better than you.

WickedRaverSiriano - "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf (from Easy Rider) - I do not want to get into a car with WickedRS - because he only has two gears: 1st and Overdrive. And even when he's driving in first, he somehow manages to grind the gears. And not in a good way (much like this metaphor). Seriously, do you think you're the second coming of Axl Rose? Because we've seen that dude reincarnated, and it's not a pretty sight. This was nothing more than loud, crazy karaoke. STOP SCREAMING ON MY TV. And Paula - STOP SALIVATING.

Dueling Unicorns - "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams (from Don Juan Demarco) - Wait, this sounds familiar. Right - Daughtry sang it back in the day. And he sang it better. Or at least he didn't try to take away the Latin flavor of the song; he understood that Bryan Adams is a rock singer (easy listening, yes, but still - rock). This wasn't great - much as I want you to do better than other people on this show. Please stop being so spotty, ok?

Dead Wife Sonny Crockett Jr. - "Endless Love" by Diana Ross (from Endless Love) - You know I love a good harp solo. But this was neither the time nor the place. And please stop singing songs that make all of us realize that you're picturing your dead wife. It's just as bad as your friends holding up her picture.

MayerMatthewsMraz - "Falling Slowly" Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (from Once) - Ok. This song would not go away for months. And it was finally off the radar. You know I'm a fan, dude, but did you really have to bring it back? OK, go ahead with the comments, people. I'm the only person in the world to not go nuts for this song on the Oscars last year. Yes, it was mildly cute when the girl got to come back out and thank people, and their modesty is refreshing, but come on. What a boring song. Fine. I'll buy it on the I-Tunes. Now leave me alone.

OBSERVATION #2 - Why am I suddenly in the mood for some Robin Thicke? I don't even like Robin Thicke. And yet I am downloading like crazy. Do you see what you're doing to me, Idol?

Low Expectations - "The Rose" by Bette Midler (from The Rose) - You know, I was merely cringing at your gospel Bette. But then you decided to open your mouth and CUT INTO FRINGE AGAIN. But even if we were running on time, did you really think that arguing was the way to win votes? Your hair-of-many-styles heyday had better be waning. I think you've got at least another week in you (sorry, Slumdog) but I would like you to go away. Soon.

SHOULD GO: Low Expectations
WILL GO: Slumdog Fratboy
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Idol Top 8 Results: In Which I Lose All Respect For Paula and Kara

Are you kidding me? There were some moments there where I didn't think the entire "judges save deliberation" wasn't completely staged. Did the girls really want to use it? After that? After that wretched high note? I will say it out loud - if the judges had used their save last night, it would have been the end of the road for me.

And to think, I almost stopped watching after the sing for your life "performance". I wish I had - it would have spared me the drama and suspense of wondering whether or not I was going to have to burn my Carrie Underwood cds in protest. (Don't worry - I would never do that.)

GROUP SONG: Um. Ouch. This performance has shown us two things:

1. There aren't many songs that work with only two women. Especially two women with radically different sounds.

2. Napoleon was really holding everyone back with the choreography. Now I'm not saying that I enjoy watching idiots do jazz squares, but it has to be better than the back and forth mess they subjected us to last night. I bet the choreographers were jumping for joy at the end of the episode.

JUDGMENT: I spent all my judgment on the group number. It was that bad. And Adam's gigantic feet continue to frighten me. Maybe don't wear white boots, ok?

CAMEOS: Oh Frankie Avalon. Why are you here? Is the national tour of Grease stopping through LA? Do you have a greatest hits cd coming out (or "dropping", as the kids say)? Whether or not you sounded good (I fast forwarded through most of it - that is a boring song, no?) you had a lot of grace on the stage. Some of the kids should learn from you.

Flo Rida. I don't care for rap as a general rule, but this wasn't bad. The thing that I took away from this performance was that one can dance by simply raising one foot in the air, and then switching legs. I'm totally going to work that into my club routine. You know, for all the times I go to clubs.

Pickler: Well, she looks great, doesn't she? And she's certainly a better performer than she was back in the day. And I kind of liked that song (until I found out that Taylor Swift was a co-writer - bleh). But there's a reason Pickler didn't win. And that reason is she's just not an awesome singer. Oh well.

RESULTS: Thank you, America for not making me hate you. Paula and Kara? The verdict is still out.

NEXT WEEK: Oh we're in for a doozie (how does one spell that?) of a week next week. "Idols at the Movies," mentored by Quentin Tarantino. Yeah, I bet he knows a lot about singing. Plus performances by JHud and Miley Cyrus. I might have to start drinking earlier in the day.
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Idol Top 8: God, I'm Old

After last night's extended session of martinis and madness, I decided to take a nap after work. So I was nice and refreshed when I woke up for Idol. I kind of wish I'd stayed asleep, though. Because in addition to making me say "Ugh" each time they announced their birthday, each contestant managed to bore me to tears.

Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "Stand by Me" by Mickey Gilley: About midway through this song I decided that I was bored enough to go to the kitchen and start making dinner. You hear that, Gokey? You've become background noise. Stop trying to inspire me and go back to the PYT vibe.

MatthewsMayerMraz - "All She Wants to Do is Dance" by Don Henley: I'm of the opinion that the producers hate MMM. Why else would they put him on the stupid "middle of the audience" pedestal? He looks like a munchkin amid a field of swaying flowers. Or poppies. Maybe that's why I'm falling asleep again. (Yeah, I just referenced The Wizard of Oz. Deal with it.) This is the first week in a while that I'm not shelling out 99 cents on the I-Tunes - yawn.

Low Expectations - "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner: Screw listening to the judges. Why haven't you listened to me for the last 5 weeks? You've been singing karaoke this whole time and I'm glad you finally got called on it. If you don't wind up in the bottom three I will...well, I'll do something bold and unexpected. You know - kind of like you haven't been doing this whole time.

Slumdog Fratboy - "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper: I'm sorry. I don't like this song. I never have. It remind me of those old Kodak commercials. And if that dates me, so be it. Because guess what? I wasn't born in the mid to late 80's (or 90's - god.) so I'm not hearing these songs for the first time. I will give Slumdog some props for making his frat boy friends stay at home. Now the only thing making him look like a loser is that green cardigan.

Napoleon Blind-O-Mite - "The Search is Over" by Survivor: I'm starting to feel bad for making fun of the blind kid. Can we just let him go home and stop this madness? This was bad. Seriously. Let him go, people.

Charo - "I Can’t Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt: I am now a fan. Maybe not a fan that would buy her cd, but in this season of severe mediocre-ness, her manic panic is actually a bright spot. But why does Randy refuse to say Kelly's name? Is he worried that a direct comparison will create an Alexis Grace moment again? (SIDEBAR: I'm ok with the Bonnie and George Michael versions of this song, but what I really enjoy is Megan Mullally's Connie Raitt version on SNL - if anyone can find it on the internet somewhere I'll be eternally grateful.)

Dueling Bubbles - "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder: During this whole performance I was trying to figure out what was really making it work. And then it hit me: the fedora covers up the mole. If there was ever a reason to rock a hat, this is it. Because as one of my friends pointed out last week - the mole makes him look like a unicorn. Which means his choices are to 1) wear hat and cover up or 2) wear pink glitter and hope that the Rainbow Archuletta Coalition will be powerless against mythical creatures.

OBSERVATION: Why hasn't someone yelled at the "director" yet? Seven minutes over time is excessive. And I swear if this dude's lack of skills means that my Fringe recording cuts off before the closing credits, I am going to hold Donnie personally responsible.

Donnie Darko - "Mad World" by Tears for Fears: Sigh. Yes, most of this song sounds good. Yes, the downlight worked for Bo way back in Season 4 (and again for this douche a few weeks ago - is the light designer asleep at the wheel?). But you know what? I'm so over the hype that nothing you do is going to make me like you. Your high notes make me want to peel the skin from my arms. And your fringey scarf? Just reminds me that I'm missing Fringe. Jerk.

SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Napoleon

Tomorrow night: Flo-rida and Kellie Pickler. Wasn't this supposed to be a showcase for past winners? Is Pickler really the best you can get this week? I seriously doubt Taylor Hicks is unavailable. (Watch next week's guest be Bucky Covington or Crappy Lee Suck. Perhaps in a moving duet about living in a trailer park.) We still need performances from Carrie, Fantasia (yee!) and Jordin before we start scraping the bottom of the barrel.
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Idol Top 9 Results: In Which I Ponder Zippers As Accessories

Oh children. What is happening with the world? Two glasses of wine and I passed out at 10:30. If it weren't for Jenni's assist yesterday, I never would have made it. I think we can blame the contact high from standing too close to my TV when Tropical Barbie (also dubbed Puff Puff Pass by some of my more astute co-critics) was singing.

GROUP SONG: While this wasn't a complete train wreck like last week, it only made me want to see Glee even more. Did you catch the preview during the performance episode? I'd pay money for that recording of Don't Stop Believing.

JUDGMENT: You can tell I was tired - the only thought I could muster up was that Tender Puppy should have saved his "Please Don't Stop the Music" t-shirt until he is in the Top 4 and in danger of being Daughtry-ed out of the finals without the safety net of the judges' save.

CAMEOS: What? What the hell was that? You just know that Tropical Stoner Barbie was thinking "I sound just like her! Slap a zipper on my eye and we can have the same career!" If I could have voted out Lady Gaga, I would have. I do like the see-through piano though - I'll give her that.

Cookie's pre-taped performance seemed a little sleepy. But knowing that he's canceled some concerts due to family issues makes me wonder if he was worried about his brother or something and not seeing him in the audience with his mom made him extra sad. I'll give him a pass. After all - I contributed to the platinumifcation of his album. And part of me enjoys when people who are emotional well up all the time - but not in a creepy Bachelor way.

RESULTS: Way to get it right, America. I would have been happy with either one of the bottom two going. (Why was Slumdog's fratdouche friend wearing a bowtie tonight? Lame.) But the caw-ing and the apathy and the crazy eyes made me glad that it was Barbie's time.

NEXT WEEK: Songs From the Year They Were Born is just a fancy way of saying 80's night. And it's also a convenient way for the producers to make me feel old. Jerks.
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Idol Top 9: Modern Day Disaster

Rehearsals started this week, so I couldn't even watch last night's episode until 11:45pm. Then I had to give some sort of presentation to a bunch of MBA's all morning. But I don't want to leave you people high and dry. So I present to you a special guest appearance by Miss Jenni A. She agrees with me on many fronts, most notably the sheer absurdity of WickedRaverSiriano. Give her some love, OK?

Oh my...

Observations:
Can we please get rid of that stupid narcissistic grand entrance to introduce the judges? Ugh.
Does Ryan Seacrest ever sleep?
Does Paula ever get enough sleep at night? Her eyes always look so heavy.
Who does Kara's hair? I was digging the hairstyle last night. But that was about it.

(these may be out of order)

Slumdog (Caught up): OK douche, stop trying to be Michael Jackson, Usher, Bobby Brown, Ne-Yo or Chris Brown (Oh... too soon?). If you're going to sing a song with a lot of rhythm... then you have to dance... not just jump down, hit a Michael Jackson pose and expect the sorority girls to go crazy. You would have been much better singing that Slumdog Bollywood song that's everywhere nowadays.

Jamaican Lillith Fair Barbie (Turn Your Lights Down Low): I am actually glad she didn't do Adele or Amy Winehouse or Duffy.. because this girl is no where near as talented as they are and I think she keeps avoiding those songs because she knows it will show just how weak she is as a singer. Sure she has the same vibe, but not the same talent. Was this the wrong song choice? Eh. It wasn't as horrible as the judges made it seem... but her shtick is old. Time for you to ride off into the Jamaican sunset and spark one up, honey.

Dead Wife Downey, Jr. (What Hurts The Most): Well, good for DWD for not throwing the dead wife shtick in our faces. But you know he subconciously does these "longing" songs to generate sympathy votes... let's not sugar-coat it. He can't be blind like Scott... and he doesn't have a little kid to throw him or herself on Randy... so he has to "tear at people's heart strings" to get people to dial. I thought he was flat and kind of under the notes the entire time... but oh well. P.S. I highly expect him to discuss his wife on camera in the coming weeks, especially if he gets booted into the bottom 3 at some point.

Paula's Daughter (Don't Speak): The outfit was a bit "I wanna be a rock star someday, mommy!" but it fit the performance. The first half of the song was sooooo much better than the second half. It got kind of "Courtney Love on crack" towards the end. I think you're going down to the bottom 3 tonight... even though you're just 16!!!!!!

Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Just The Way You Are): I liked it. I especially liked it when Kara said she liked the new look... he doesn't know what he looks like stupid!!! I also love the disrespect in the he showed Ryan by wearing his iPod earbuds in the radio studio when Ryan was talking.. or was that just a cheap plug for Apple? But the song was good. He showed a little more vocal range which was nice... he can stick around another week for another inspirational song on the piano.

Dueling Bubbles (You Found Me): Oh boy... I don't know what disappointed me more: The fact that you didn't do a Timberlake song, the fact that you picked the wussiest band around right now to cover, the fact that you grunted the entire song to make your voice seem more "rockish" or your justification for doing that song "well, I like rock." Hey buddy, so do I, but I'm not going to attempt to sing it on national TV (I would totally do Beyonce... duh!). Stick to what you do best and pick artists who aren't going to be the next Candlebox and have people look back on their albums and say "Ick, why did I ever spend 10 bucks on this album?"

Lil Disappointing (I Surrender): First off, no one can do this song like Kelly Clarkson did in the final 3 on season 1 when Simon picked it for her. Girlfriend sang it with laryngitis and still sang it better than this senior citizen singer. Sure she had nice control over her voice... but my grandmother's Depends also have nice control... and that's who I'm going to start comparing you to Lil Rounds.. my Grandma. Because you had every chance to do something B96-ish... and you blew it... AGAIN! However, I predict you will be spared the bottom 3 because instead of the judges reminding us how GREAT you are like they did last week, Ryan saved you by sending your adorable kid to ham it up for the cameras with Randy. Well played, Seacrest.

Fallout Elvis (Play That Funky Music): What a joke.

Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz (Ain't No Sunshine): I have 4 words for Kris, "He has now been crowned my new boyfriend for the season... because he is on fire." I agree that he brought the swagger last night... but he also brought that singer/songwriter angst to a song that's a million years old and made it sound new again. He's the most current artist right now... and I think he can ride Jason Mraz's coattails all the way to the final 3. Well done.

Top 3:
Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz
Dead Wife Downey, Jr.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite

Bottom 3:
Slumdog
Jamaican Barbie
Paula's Daughter

Will go: Slumdog
Should go: Jamaican Barbie
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Idol Top 10 Results: In Which I Find a Nap To Be More Appealing

So I was watching Samantha Who while waiting for Idol to finish (the DVR is a necessity for all Idol viewing) and fell asleep. Then I woke up and rewound and watched the end of Christina Applegate and her hijinks with Jennifer Esposito. And then I decided that I needed a full-on nap and slept on my couch until 10. That's how little I cared about tonight's elimination episode.

GROUP SONG: Did this seem like an afterthought? It was really strangely edited - like they didn't have time for rehearsal or something. And what was with all the retrospective photos? Opry week didn't get that kind of love. My only thought was that Lil should try singing her solo songs as well as this.

JUDGMENT: Man, WickedRaverSirianoIsaak's feet must be huge. It looks like he's walking around in bozo shoes.

CAMEOS: Something about the Joss/Smokey harmonies just weren't right. I like them both - separately.

Ruuuuuuben is still a good time. I feel bad that he hasn't had a better career. (I thought he lost a bunch of weight though...was that someone else?) Although it was a good performance, I'm really creeped out about the fact that Seacrest wiped the excessive sweat of Ruben's bald head with his bare hand. Ew.

Stevie rocks. Just like always. It's a shame that Napoleon can't see what a blind piano performance SHOULD look like. Stevie always looks like he's having a good time. And I think I need to learn the harmonica. Luckily, his blindess saved him from witnessing Kara's inane hand on the heart posing/sing-a-long.

RESULTS: Are you kidding me, America? Dueling Bubles in the bottom 2? Booo. Booooooooo. Roughneck deserved to go, but this was all a little too close for comfort for my liking. I'll try to ramp up my voting next week, but I can't do it all on my own. It's a good thing I was well rested, because I spent at least ten minutes shaking my fist at the tv. And that's a good aerobic workout.

NEXT WEEK: My Tivo cut off right after Simon delivered his "You're going home" after the oh-so-authentic judges debate about whether to save poor Roughneck. Anyone know what next week's theme is?
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Idol Top 10: Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing

Ok kids, it's time to settle down with a nice glass of wine. And when I say "nice," I mean "cheap." And when I say "glass," I mean "bottle." Because if anything is going to drive me to drink, it's tonight's performance episode. Seriously.

Dueling Bubles - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye - I can't help it. I'm on Team Giraud. Dude has mad skills at the piano and he doesn't overdo the Timberlaking. Plus (with the exception of the adoucherements in his wildcard week), DB knows how to dress. Yeah, it was kind of a lackluster start to a lackluster night, but I'm still on board.

Tender Puppy - "How Sweet it Is" by Marvin Gaye - Why can't I hear your guitar when I can see that it's plugged in? Does the sound guy hate you? What's with your shirt? Are those the numbers from Lost? Have your sleeves and shirttail been taken over by the smoke monster? Who approved this look? But the real mystery here is when did Paula start to have actual musical knowledge? I checked - that rockin' high note was an A. Tell me that Paula doesn't have perfect pitch.

OBSERVATION #1: Why are the backup singers on stage? And why is Kimberley Locke one of them? Why haven't they been fired yet?

Napoleon Blind-O-Mite -"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes - I appreciate that the stylists decided to pay you back for not letting them touch your precious William Katt hair. What better way to get revenge on the blind kid than to give him pink pants and a barbershop quartet jacket and not tell him until right before he goes on? Classic. Although I tend to use Napoleon songs to go to the kitchen and refill my glass, I will point out that he did at least attempt to perform. It still wasn't good (and the vocals were baaaaaad - and Kara's the only one to call it out?) but at least he tried. Don't worry - any sympathy I might have drummed up for this douche went away as soon as he started proclaiming that he is a singer songwriter and will always sit behind the piano because that's just what he does. Shut up. No really - shut up.

Tropical Bjork Barbie - "For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder - I enjoyed this performance in the same way that I enjoy a sloe gin fizz. No one actually likes sloe gin, but it's so sweet and bubbly that you can't help but drink. TBB definitely went to the Haley Scarnato school of "If You Can't Sing, Look Hotter Than Everyone Else By Showing Lots of Skin." Well done, lady.

Slumdog Idol - "Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Why am I the only one that hears that Slumdog is flat FOR THE ENTIRE SONG? Come on, Paula. I've been counting on you for the musical wisdom tonight (you even used the word "rubato" - impressive) and now you're letting me down. The only thing that could have been worse would be if SI had foregone the letter jacket on gone full-on Members Only. (And by worse, I think I mean awesome.) I don't get what the big deal is about you, Slumdog. I really don't.

Roughneck - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations - You lost me with the flops while talking to Smokey. How many times do I have to tell fat guys to lose the flip flops? You need to wear substantial shoes. Especially when you are on national TV talking to a Motown legend. Shoes. SHOES. Oh right - the song. It's a shame he's still sick, because this could have been ok. One wonders if America is going to keep Roughnecking it up or if they'll finally realize he's no Josh Gracin. Which isn't really saying much.

OBSERVATION #2: I absolutely cannot wait for Glee to premiere. Anyone else?

Lot Disappointing - "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas - I bet LD is really good at karaoke. I also think Vonzell Solomon is good at karaoke, and I'm pretty sure she's returned to her life as a postal worker. Tamyra Gray hair isn't going to help you if you don't stop royally sucking.

OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else see Napoleon pointed toward the album covers on the wall when Lil was being all emotional in Detroit? I thought he couldn't see. What is he looking at?

WickedRaverSirianoIsaak - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson - I feel that WRSI really understood when Smokey was talking about seeing the tracks on someone's face. You could practically see him wishing that he'd kept his hands away from his acne when he was 12. And then the new look is unveiled (mostly because I didn't bother to pay attention to the opening). Nice hair. Somehow it makes me hate you a little bit less - but only a little. I still can't abide the falsetto on EVERY FREAKING NOTE. Yes, this performance has been the only of your that I have been able to tolerate. But toleration is not love (and the scarf that your boy is wearing in the audience? Boo.). Your white Bo Bice downlight and More Than Words arrangement is not enough to get me to like you. I do not want to buy your album. At all. Go away.

Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Get Ready" by The Temptations - Erin likened this performance to your drunk uncle at a wedding. But I, for one, would enjoy it if any of my uncles would get that drunk and be that entertaining. It's like being related to Tom Jones. Here's the thing: it may be all Taylor Hicks-ish in the movements (except not as floppy), but he's actually got the voice to back it up. I would buy this album. (You hear that Wicked? I would buy DWD's album. Not yours. Bleh.) One complaint - stop saying the word "git." Dr. Barton would be furious.

Charo - "Papa Was a Rollling Stone" by The Temptations - OK fine. You've learned how not to Glocksen. I'm not a total convert, but this was some good news. Maybe it was the talking mid-song. Maybe it was you forgetting the words and winking at the audience like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it was Kara giving you a full on lap dance after the applause died down. Whatever it is - you're the only girl that deserves to be here. So I hope you stick around.

OBSERVATION 4#: At first I thought Crayola would be happy for the product placement. But then Simon ruined it. How many kids are going to go draw on their parents' faces after they pass out on the couch tonight? Thank god I live alone.

I would love a shocking double elimination. I know it won't happen, but I can dream.

SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Roughneck and/or Barbie

COMING UP: Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson sing a medley. Ruben Studdard sings his new single "Together" and Stevie Wonder performs a Motown medley. (Why all the medleys? Just sing one song and get to the results.)
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Idol Top 11 Results: In Which Carrie Is Attacked By Fashion

Last night I got my eyes dilated about 30 minutes before watching the results show, so sitting down and typing out a recap wasn't going to happen. Instead I chose to focus on my new bottle of mango infused vodka (refreshing with a nice splash of lemonade).

GROUP SONG: I'm glad a Travis Tritt made it onto the show this year. I was worried that with no true country singers in the cast that his down home mullett-y good times would be ignored. Oh, but then they started singing - and we learn that Travis Tritt is not meant to be performed by a co-ed ensemble. I did my best to block out the singing (although the harmonies during the girls' verse were nice) and the step touch and focus on the fact that Napoleon's piano WAS NOT MIC-ED. That's right kids, the cool piano licks you heard? Not played by him. So now he's got a ghost pianist in the band. Awesome. Let's keep fooling America as long as we can, ok?

JUDGMENT: Two nights in a row of semi-normal glasses for DWDJr. But this brings to mind the question - just how many pairs does he own? Is he spending his weekly allowance on frames?

CAMEOS: Love to Brad Paisley, but couldn't he rock something a little harder for Idol? A weepy ballad is not the way to drive record sales.

I think it's nice to bring out former Idols. It shows the current cast just how it should be done - and how much they are seriously lacking. But I worry. Who is going to pull out the Kenley Collins Hair Feather(TM) so they can be more like Carrie? (My bet is on WickedSiriano.) Since I don't like to make fun of Carrie, I will say that I enjoy the new haircut, enjoy the song, but wonder why Randy actually needed to be there? What did he sing? Like 24 bars? Clearly it was transposed to hit Carrie's money notes, so if it's too high for you, man, just sit there and play the guitar. None of us will mind. In fact, we'll feel better not thinking that the two of you are in love. (Randy's looking old, dawg.)

RESULTS: Roughneck dodged a bullet, huh? Apparently the people love him. Next week, I fully expect him to come out waving an American flag. I'm only a little sad that Jane had to go...my Manic Panic stock is going to plummet.

NEXT WEEK: Did Seacrest sound a little mad at the President for preempting the Tuesday show? I think he did. Maybe he really likes to watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights.
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Idol Top 11: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

I was really ready for tonight to be a Texas-sized disaster (you know, like the practice of burying meat in the ground and then calling it BBQ), but it wasn't terrible. Here is my one complaint from every season's country night: put away the damn steel guitar.

That's right - unless one of the contestants is planning to be a country artist, the steel has no business in the arrangement. Do you hear me, Rickey? They're trying to make these pop songs, and you are not helping.

Roughneck (Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up - Garth Brooks): This is an awesome song. It's even more awesome if you can understand the words. The voice teacher in me got angry and wrote OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH and then spent the entire song underlining it. Plus he breezed right through the awesome slide up to the money note which is the best part of the song. I'm skeptical, Roughneck. Skeptical.

Charo (Blame It on Your Heart - Patty Loveless): OK, you've all wanted me to be nicer to Little Miss Charo. And now it's happening. I had been tired of all the blatant Glocksen-ing, but tonight Charo gave me something different - and I liked it. It says a lot when an Idol cover of a song that I already enjoyed immensely doesn't make me physically angry. You're not getting my vote this week, but you're getting a pass.

OBSERVATION #1: Seriously, why hasn't anyone talked to these backup singers? They're awful.

Tender Puppy (To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks): Props to Bob Dylan for writing a song that every artist known to man wants to cover. Still, I feel like this is kind of a cop out. Who hasn't sang this song? Since I already own five separate versions, including recordings by two Opry members and Kelly Clarkson, I'm not going to shell out 99 cents for you this week. It was nice - but I've spent the last 10 minutes singing "Tender Shepard" from Peter Pan, so maybe next time you go with something more memorable and Mraz-y. Don't make me feel bad for voting for you.

Lil Disappointing (Independence Day - Martina McBride): As soon as I heard the fateful words "I really wanted to stay faithful to the country music" I knew we were in for some bad news. Is this what all the hype was leading up to? Here's a thought: On a night when we're all already thinking about Carrie Underwood, maybe you don't choose her favorite song. I really hadn't written anything except "This would have been an ok R&B song" until Randy said the most asinine thing I've ever heard: "Man, you could have sung I Will Always Love You." What? WHAT?! That's the one song contestants should NEVER sing on country night. Because they will steal Whitney's version and will pay no respect to Dolly except for saying "It's a great song." (Ahem - Syesha - I'm talking to you.) And it's amazing that one three minute judges critique can make me lose all respect for Randy, and then gain even more for Simon for knowing about R&B groups covering John Michael Montgomery songs. In fact, Lil D, I'm so riled up (and annoyed at your incessant arguing) I've forgotten your performance. And hopefully, so has the rest of America.

WickedRaverSiriano (Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash): Oh come on. I'm with Randy Travis. This was weird. And creepy. And not good. I don't like the way you look at the camera when you're singing "it burns." I immediately wonder if you are talking about syphilis. (Note - I just looked up syphilis symptoms and there is NOTHING about a burning sensation. Now I am mad at you for your song and for ruining my commentary.) And while Randy was busy saying that you're current and young, I was busy underlining Simon's "indulgent rubbish" quote and following it with "Britney Spears would totally cover this song." And all of a sudden, everything becomes clear to me.

OBSERVATION #2: I miss Fringe.

Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Wild Angels - Martina McBride): Did anyone else notice that for 95% of this performance, the screens on the floor and back wall only showed Napoleon's hands? That's because there is NOTHING GOING ON IN HIS FACE. Dude, I know you can't see, but you look like a robot. And if you had any of the charisma of Billy Joel or Elton John, then I would let you slide by every week behind the piano. But no - I am agreeing with Paula. You need to break it up with a different performance - and that way, maybe America will understand that you need to be eliminated.

Jane Mancini (Jolene - Dolly Parton): I was worried for you, Jane. Brooke White did a knock out version of this last season, and it just seems too soon. But I actually enjoyed most of this blues-y version. Not too Dolly, not too White Stripes, it was just the right amount of Joss Stone jazz (although that falsetto note was not so great - way to make me write "ish" after the word "nice" in my notes). But wait - the judges want you to be more dirrty? THAT'S SHOCKING. They're not going to be happy until you bust out some XTina and wear a nude bodysuit covered in rhinestones are they? My advice: lose the pink, dye it all red, and give us a little less Jane and a little more Sydney. It doesn't get dirtier than that.

Dead Wife Downey Jr. (Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood): Stop trying to inspire me DWD. And tuck in your shirt. This was better than when La Kisha made a big ol' country mess of it a few years ago, but I'm still only focusing on the fact that this week's glasses are a lot more normal than in past weeks. Thank you.

OBSERVATION #3: Yes, I remember a lot of the performances from the past seasons, especially if I downloaded them. But sometimes they just sound familiar and I have to look them up. God love the internet.

Slumdog Idol (You Were Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson): Guess what? Willie Nelson? Not in the Opry. Which makes this cheating. Because so far, I haven't been able to find proof that Johnny even recorded it - I think he just played the guitar for Willie on VH-1 Storytellers. (Which brings about the question, why isn't Willie a member? Is he just too high for the Opry?) Anyway. I started to like this song at first...I even thought maybe I'd buy it on the I-tunes. And then it just turned way too All-4-One for me. You know, the guys who covered the aforementioned JMM tracks "I Swear" and "I Can Love You Like That." Do people still go for that John B vibe? I'm not so sure.

BlondBjork (Walking After Midnight - Patsy Cline): How is it that there has been no tattoo backlash a la Carly? Is it because we don't see a boyfriend in the audience who has a completely inked-in face? Interesting. Wait. Right. Song. Um, sure this was good. And the voice sounded strangely like Katie Neidenbach's when she came in from a long night of drinking and smoking at the Pike house. Which is why it was perfect that the judges got all Dr. Barton and asked her to keep it. (He actually told all of us to keep our sick voices, which just goes to show...well, nothing really. But it's good to know he's not alone.) I'm wondering if the sexy dress and the raising of the roof are enough to keep you around for one more week.

Howl At the Moon: (So Small - Carrie Underwood): Ugh. Why this song? Boring. No, it's OK. Ooh, I wish the orchestra wasn't coming in with those whiny strings. And the backup singers. I wish they would go away. They ruin everything. GLISS! OK, I'm totally buying this - ANOTHER GLISS! That was a seriously kick-ass performance. Rewind. Repeat. Yeah, I go nuts for a good gliss. But when you throw two in there? Well it doesn't get better than that. And nice that after my second viewing of this performance, we are all treated to Kara crowing "There is nothing small about you!" Oh my.

OBSERVATION #4: Are men's necklaces back in? Was there some sort of memo?

SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil Dis
WILL GO: Roughneck

P.S. Special thanks to MJ for posting the order and the correct song titles, so I didn't have rely on Seacrest to tell me the real titles.
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