Idol 11: Ten Episodes in One Day (Week 1)

WEEK 1: Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston - This could get real messy, real fast. I would link back to all the videos in which the judges say "I don't know man, it takes a lot to sing Stevie" or "Well, you've gotta have guts to sing Whitney", but there are just too damn many. Why would you subject us to it?

Mantasia (I Wish) - Ok, that was a good way to start off the show. I'm glad you made it through.

Ill-Advised Fedora (Greatest Love of All I'm Your Baby Tonight): Here's why this could work. Because she's not even trying to Whitney. But in a rare moment of watching Jimmy's segment (I was looking up the strikethrough code), I immediately wanted to punch Elise. "I just don't know what you want me to do differently." Ugh. Singers say that me all the time. And I want the answer to be "Just do it. Stop questioning me." Stoppit. Clean up your act.

Ol' Man River (Knocks Me Off My Feet): I'm glad I have the benefit of knowing the future and realizing that I don't have to watch this. Because you didn't really deserve to come back. You just cried the most.

Pink Streaks 11.0 (I Believe In You and Me): Come on. Why do I even have to keep complaining about this? But I enjoy the alto-ness. Hopefully you'll stick around for a while. P.S. Your fedora? Much better.

SIDEBAR #1 - What is that pin Randy is wearing? It looks like one of those bead projects we had to make in bible school in third grade.

A Better Singer Than James Durbin (Lately): It's going to take more than a strange key change and a piano gliss to get behind you, knowing my thoughts on hipster hair and skinny jeans. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt since you're not screaming, but that's not going to last long. Watch it.

The Amazon (I Have Nothing): This song should be amended to be called "I Have Nothing Compared to McPheever". So instead of suffering through any more of that key change, I'm going to watch this. (Also, it makes me nervous how the camera has to shift way up to see you in comparison to everyone else on stage.)

This Woman's Work (Master Blaster): Sorry CrazyHair - I was busy watching McPheever again. But your voice is weird, and I don't like this song, so I don't feel bad about it.

Gretchen Wilson (Where Do Broken Hearts Go): Oh remember the days when Idol singers tried to sing just like the original artists? I don't miss those days. Although there were LOTS of problems with this one, turning Whitney to country was a bold choice that worked. Hardcore.

Rolly's (All in Love is Fair): Instead of listening to this performance (after the first two phrases, I'm out), I'm going to continue the McPheever theme and listen to this. And I'll tell this story: Back when I was a concierge, a group of Asian gentleman came up to my desk and asked me to cancel their appointment at Rolly's. Knowing that there's not actually a restaurant named Rolly's (or Raleigh's...or Rally's) in downtown Chicago, I asked them if they were sure. They said yes and gave me a phone number. Which I called. And when the host answered, she said, "Thank you for calling Lawry's, how may I help you." The point is, and in the most delicate fashion I can muster, Dude, you need to work on your diction and correct those consonants. That is all.

That Girl (All the Man That I Need): I don't know why, I just get a very Marlo Thomas vibe. Oh also, this performance was pretty awesome.

Red Watch (Ribbon in the Sky): Wait, what? I love lots of key changes, but I can't understand a single word you're singing. And what must all the string players have said when they told them they were going to be standing on the passerelle? J.Lo's look of sadness at the final phrase said it all. Sorry, player - you're a nice dude, but you're not an Idol.

Jasmine Trias 2.0 (I Will Always Love You): Oh come on. Really? You're going to go there? Fine. Just don't Velasco it up this season.

Matthew Matthews (Superstition): My friend Jenni hated this, and hates MM in general. We even had an impassioned argument over email in the days following this performance. But I'm sorry, I think he's awesome. And will now be biased for every episode until he eventually comes in third.

SIDEBAR #2: Oh man, I'm only one episode in? There might not be enough champagne in my apartment. Don't worry. I have plenty of vodka too.

SHOULD GO: Red Watch (Jeremy) or The Amazon (Shannon)

GROUP PERFORMANCE (As): While the guys jack up what should be an awesome song, all I long for is an appearance from Mary J. Blige. Have you heard her sing this with George Michael? It's amazing. This performance? Not so much. Oh good. it's getting worse. Maybe it's just the lack of the gospel choir? I don't know, but I bet Mary J. is shaking her head right now, wishing she could send them all home. I know I do.

SIDEBAR #3: Thank god for fast forward.

LAUREN ALAINA (Georgia Peaches): Sure, I like Kelly Pickler as much as the next guy. But the most fun part of this performance was watching her try to disentangle herself from her earpiece. Wait. Who is this again? Oh. Right. Never mind.

MARY J BLIGE (Why): Dreams really DO come true! But what did they do with the bottom six? Did they make them go cry backstage as punishment for not listening to Mary J.'s wisdom the previous night?

BOTTOM TWO: Jeremy and Elise
ELIMINATED: Jeremy (I liked you, man. Sorry you have to be sung out by McCreery's shlock.)