Oh it's going to be a long night, friends. A night with the potential for A LOT OF YELLING.
You know, just so you're prepared.
1. Katrina Parker (Tonight, Tonight) - Well if you don't want people to think about Adele, why did you wear that dress and style your hair that way? Anyway. Sure, this was fine, albeit a little lackluster. I agree with Christina - more rocking out would have been nice. (On the other hand, Cee Lo's "constructive" criticism was complete crap.) But a solid effort. I'd vote if it weren't tomorrow already.
SIDEBAR - And now I'm being forced to watch commercials. Which means it's time for a shot of Jameson.
2. Cheesa (Don't Leave Me This Way) - Does it bother anyone else that her name SHOULD sound like Cheese-uh? Why wouldn't you just put two S's in there? Also, I hate the glitter around your eyes. You look like you should be performing on Dance Moms. But I blame Cee Lo and his general fashion nonsense for leading you astray. So to sum up: spell your name differently, and stop letting Cee Lo dress you. Oh. That was a fine performance. Fine.
SIDEBAR - So far, I think these first two performances are destined for the bottom three in their groups. They were fine, but not spectacular. America wants spectacular (well, except for Blake - he still wants to convince everyone that Xenia was a good choice). Sorry, ladies (including Xenia).
3. Tony Lucca (In Your Eyes) - Whenever a Peter Gabriel song came on the tape player in my college dance classes (shut up), our dance teacher would say "F*ck, aren't you glad he was born?" And then she would start dancing to herself in the mirror while all of us just watched in wonder.
But I don't think anyone would start dancing to oneself in the mirror to this performance. It was like listening to a watered-down Billy Joel song in the road production of Movin' Out. In Toledo.
Also, running around the stage giving everyone in the audience high fives is not a performance. Please do better next time. Apparently Justin Timberlake wants you to.
SIDEBAR: OK fine. I'll watch the performances online. But let it be known that I HATE watching TV on my laptop. That's why I have a TV.
4. Kim Yarbrough (Rolling in the Deep) - Come on, Levine. That's the best you can give her? Actually, I'm glad to be watching this on my laptop. I would not enjoy all this yelling with regular surround sound. And thank the sweet lord the internet also allows me to press the "stop" button on move on to the next clip. (Bottom three - and hopefully eliminated if tomorrow's/tonight's performance is anything like this.)
SIDEBAR: Don't worry. I'll still keep drinking, even though I don't have commercials to yell about.
5. James Massone (Don't Know Why) - Well this is a nice so-hold on, I think my cat is crying.
Nope. Not the cat. That was apparently supposed to be falsetto. My bad. And you're still WEARING THAT STUPID HEADBAND. Thank the ladies for taking you through to next week. Do better if you hope to get past that.
6. Juliet Simms (Roxanne) - And if you didn't think that I'd play the drinking game with this, you were mistaken. My word is "Roxanne". You can take "Red Light", since I still have to type and all.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
And two glasses of wine gone, just like that. But it was actually worth it. Because that was the best performance of the night so far. (Damn - I typed that just as Levine was saying it.)
SIDEBAR: Christina needs to stop saying "dope".
7. Mathai (Ordinary People) - Oh good, Xenia's back. Except this time with some stage presence. And a bigger range. And more control. And the ability to smile.
Ok fine. I'm sorry I called you Xenia. That was a low blow.
8. Tony Vincent (Everybody Wants to Rule the World) - What the hell is this? Is anyone else wondering why Cee Lo put this dude on the set for Springtime for Hitler? And is anyone else wondering why this dude made it through the battle rounds over the guy who was way better only to come out on stage and put us through what sounds to me like a bad callback for a Tears For Fears revue? Bottom 3. Please.
9. Karla Davis (Airplanes) - What?
No seriously, what? Is she rapping? Who can we blame for this?
Timing is off. Vocals are weak. Song choice was terrible. And I'm not sure what key this is. (Neither is she.) Yeah, that's got to be a Bottom 3 performance if I've ever seen one.
10. Erin Martin (Walk Like an Egyptian) - Cee Lo is really missing the boat with his staging tonight. Like hardcore. I can't even say anything about this. That Roxanne wine is starting to hit me.
SIDEBAR: I'm not sure I can stomach a performance by someone named "Pip". It's going to be touch and go here for a while.
11. Pip (When You Were Young) - Oh good lord. Adam, if you want him to be "more dangerous and scary" then maybe you lose the skinny red pants and the STUPID BOW TIE. And the resemblance to Lucas Grabeel is only adding to the whole High School Musical vibe. Come on kid, Get'cha Head In the Game. This is not What I've Been Looking For. We're All In This Together.
SIDEBAR: I'm sorry about those HSM song titles. Really, that did no one any favors.
SIDEBAR: Yes, I had to look them up.
12. Jamar Rogers (Are You Gonna Go My Way) - Nice and rockstar. And who doesn't love a guitar player on stilts? I'm glad Jamar's getting a second shot, post-Idol-letdown.
SIDEBAR: Thanks to the magic of the internet, I was able to finish the performances in an hour. Which leaves us some time for the results. Here goes nothin.
JESSIE J: Fun. I've always wondered what Jessie J would sound like live. Not surprisingly, I do not care for it. And this is why music producers will always have jobs. (Minor improvement when Team Christina joined in at the end. MINOR.)
Top Three Adam: Mathai, Tony & Pip
Bottom Three Adam: Karla, Katrina & Kim
Yeah, that's probably about right. If last night was any indicator, it should be Karla and Kim who goes home.
SIDEBAR: Why is Pip still wearing that stupid bow tie?
Top Three Cee Lo: Juliet, Jamar, James
Bottom Three Cee Lo: Cheesa, Tony, Erin
Ugh. I don't care. Send all three home.
Kim 2 (Spotlight) - Ouch. I hope that's not enough.
Karla 2 (I Can't Make You Love Me) - Stop waving your hand around. Wait, isn't that a song? Oh it's late.
Katrina 2 (Don't Speak)- Yeah, save her. Just because she's not yelling at me. And I can actually hear her. I fully support the middleground in this instance.
SAVED: Katrina. (Thank god.)
SIDEBAR: I find it strange how since the battle rounds, they jet the people who are saved off the stage immediately, without even a moment of gratitude.
SIDEBAR: I don't care about Cee Lo's performances. I just want Tony and his eyeliner to go home.
SIDEBAR: I wonder if I have any chips?
SIDEBAR: Oh, there's Katrina in the twitter room. I wonder if she actually wanted to hug anyone on her team. I bet she would. She seems nice.
Tony 2 (Sweet Dreams) - God, you're creepy. And not in a good way. I'm concerned that you're trying to control my mind through the television screen. And the director's in on it too, if the camera change every eight counts is any indication. I'm going to have nightmares about this.
Cheesa 2 (All By Myself) - Let's take a moment to remember LaToya London's performance of this song on Idol Season 3. Or Celine Dion's version from Falling Into You. Or Jewel's recording in the epiphany scene of Clueless. Anything to keep me from listening to this.
Erin 2 (Your Song) - Wait, who did I call Xenia earlier? Not her? Which one is this? Oh the Egypt girl without her dancers. This...is...can't...keep...
I think one of my eardrums just ruptured. That sucks.
Seriously, send them all home. Shut up, Levine. That was no one's best. And we know why you love Erin's voice, Blake. She sounds like freaking Xenia.
WHY DOES EVERYONE SOUND LIKE XENIA? ARE MY EARS BLEEDING?
SAVED: Cheesa (Fine. Lesser of three evils.)
This was a rough one, friends. And I'm not going to proofread, because I've had one too many Roxannes and still have to work tomorrow. Happy Tuesday to you.
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