I can't even talk about the puka shell bracelet. It's like we're in a different world here. A world that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Oh, also, I went through at least two bottles of wine and some bourbon slush this afternoon. Oh Easter.
ABSTJD (Everything) - Oh I love Lifehouse. I'm with Jimmy. I'm in with Colton...
Except that was just ok. Thank god he took it up once the chorus hit. But why is it a worship song? It's Lifehouse. Those dudes aren't worshipping. They have another song about a guy killing himself and saying that the joke's on you.
Redneck Woman (Gunpowder & Lead) - If she's not careful, she's going to start veering more toward Kristy Lee than Miranda Lambert. And that's a risky place to be. And does the world really need another Miranda Lambert? I'm not so sure.
THE FLEETWOOD TRIO - Come on MM. The low part of Landslide is easy. You can do better than that. You know who else could do better? 1) The audience members who are trying to sway their arms to the beat. Just a few weeks ago you all managed to snap together. What happened? 2) The person who arranged this medley. It was lame.
Rolly's (A Song For You) - Well, Elliott Yamin you're not. And that suit jacket is stupid. And don't even get me started on the floppy hat. And J.Lo, you can have all the tone and vibrato in the world but if you don't have ANY DICTION then who cares?!
Ugh.
SIDEBAR #1: Stevie Nicks makes me nervous. If she whispered to me like that, I think I might run away.
Very Tiny (Jesus Take the Wheel) - Oh no. Not this thing. Singing Carrie is soooooo risky. Sure, Pickler all you want. I'd even be ok if you tried to Fantasia something in a country fashion. But Carrie was the most consistent Idol singer ever and when you try to emulate her, it just brings out any slight imperfections. And there were quite a few. I like you. I really do. So please sing better.
This Woman's Work (Sometimes I Cry) - Great. A whole song in falsetto again. It's really a fine line between Maxwell and Peabo Bryson.
Jasmine 2.0 (Sweet Dreams) - Harp! It's hard to sing with a harp. And it's hard to sing Beyonce any time. But this is a really good performance and a great arrangement. One question though. What's with all the doors?
THE HAT TRIO - This seems like an awkward Hollywood Week performance. Especially because Rolly's can't remember any of the steps. And also looks like he doesn't belong there at all. If this wasn't the nail in his coffin, I don't know what else it will take. If I'm missing Danny Freaking Gokey, then everyone is doing something wrong.
Matthew Matthews (Still Rainin') - What? Jonny Lang is your idol? That's the best you can come up with? Yes, he's an awesome player and a good singer. But that's all you've got? I'm worried MM. People vote for songs they know. They do not know Jonny Lang. Thank god you're still wearing a gray shirt, otherwise I'd think you went totally off the deep end.
SIDEBAR #2 - Because we can't get enough of Jackson namedropping.
SIDEBAR #3 - Dionne Warwick, Jordin Sparks and DeRulo all in the same row? Love it. (Yes, I know Jordin and DeRulo are dating. I'm excited that the Jordin clearly knows Dionne.)
Mantasia (Without You) - Also risky. But I have a good feeling about it -
Wait, don't stop to touch the prop tree. That looks weird.
- and I'm disappointed. Maybe I like the original too much. Or maybe I'm annoyed at the way he made the word "you" sound like something Cher would sing.
SIDEBAR #4 - Damn it Jackson, shut up. We know you're friends with Mariah. You tell us every year.
THE MADONNA TRIO - I didn't think it was possible, especially with the other two powerhouse singers, but Redneck totally stole this. I'm gonna leave it at that.
Stevie's Kindred Spirit (Whole Lotta Love) - Hold on. Why was it "Sing With Stevie" time? Was someone just like "Hey, you guys should sing this. It'll be good for the cameras." What did it have to do with her actual song? Sure, the live performance was way more interesting than any sleepy Nicks stuff. But I'm still confused.
Maybe it's all the wine.
Speaking of, my glass is empty again. Hold please.
Aaaaand we're back.
Wait, who's this dude? Eric Benet? Wasn't he married to Halle Berry? The one with the sex addiction? Or am I just making stuff up?
Oh, right. Sorry. It's the results show. I forgot. SHOULD GO - Rolly's. But I think Very Tiny is in trouble too. And probably Mantasia.
NICKI MINAJ - This sounds like it should be a Kary Perry song. But really, as long as she doesn't trot out the weird Roman nonsense from the Grammys, I can be on board. Even if she does look really confused the whole time she's singing. Sorry, "singing".
SCOTTY MCCREERY - You know, when I complained that I'm tired of all these non-winners performing, I didn't mean for them to bring in Scotty. Sure, it's fine.
No, it's fine. Whatever. But he can't even successfully fist bump.
ELIMINATED: Rolly's. (Good. Everyone learn from this. Diction. Do it.)
My holiday also featured bourbon slushy. Happy Easter.
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