What?
When I was in college, Janet Jackson released her Velvet Rope album. On it, was a "work in progress" that was one of my favorite songs on the cd: Special. My favorite part was when she spoke in the middle and said "You see, you can't run away from your pain. Because where ever you run, there you will be. You have to learn to water your spiritual garden. Then, you will be free." And then my friends would make fun of me by pretending to hold a watering can over their head.
That made more sense than what happened at the beginning of tonight's episode.
Meanwhile, I've been watering my spiritual garden to the tune of pinot grigio.
So Small (Rolling in the Deep by Adele) - Oh I was worried, Tiny. I was very worried. And then when the gigantic faces of the backup singers showed up on the video screens, just like when Lena Thorne told Diana Ross to believe in herself as she tapped her ruby (silver? diamond? I forget) slippers, I somehow knew that everything was going to be ok. And it was. From the opening a cappella section to the phrase breaking ending, the promise of the little girl with the big voice has finally been fulfilled.
And Randy? No. I went back and listened to So Small again. I found maybe one pitchy note. How about you stop pretending you actually know what you're talking about when it comes to singing and stick to finding ugly pins?
Lesser Cook (Bad Romance by Lady Gaga) - "I plan on expanding my box every week."
I'm just going to leave it at that.
SIDEBAR: Oh, so we have two rounds of solos tonight? That's got to be better than some of those stupid duets.
Kindred Spirit (No One by Alicia Keys) - I know the fan is cool. But you might have to walk around just a little bit. Because the bobbing up and down is making me dizzy. It's also making you lose your breath. Other than that, this was strong. I might start to be a little more supportive. But I won't lie; the sick dog helps with the sympathy points.
Matthew Matthews (U Got It Bad by Usher) - Yes. I like this. But didn't J.Lo tell you JUST LAST WEEK that you needed to start changing it up? This is just what you do all the time. I like it. No, actually I love it, because I buy your iTunes single every week. But I worry. I WORRY MATTHEW. AND WHEN I WORRY I START POUNDING GRAPE. STOP MAKING ME WASTE WINE.
SIDEBAR #1: What did Tyler just say? Chump love sucka? What?
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, did they forget what they said too? Was that not just last week? Am I making things up? WASN'T THIS THE SAME AS ALWAYS?!
Jasmine 2.1: A New Beginning (Fallin' by Alicia Keys) - I have lots of questions. 1. What's with the umbrellas? Didn't they give her lots of doors last week? What's up set dressers? 2. Why is Alicia Keys all over the place tonight? What's the theme? I wasn't paying attention. 3. Where are the Asian voters? It's a well-known fact that the Asian vote kept the Jasmine OG in the competition as long as they did. Shouldn't they be rallying now? 4. How are her tiny ears holding up those earrings? Doesn't that hurt? I need answers, people. Answers.
Pink Streak Woman (Born This Way by Lady Gaga) - After being forced to listen to Raelynn's disastrous performances on The Voice, this is a breath of fresh air. She kind of made me have to remind myself that I like country music. Good times. I might buy this one too.
SIDEBAR #3: And two Gaga songs too? Seriously, what's the theme?
Mantasia (I Believe by Fantasia) - Ha. Tamyra Gray is laughing all the way to the bank. And Fantasia has that Lifetime reality show. And Diana DeGarmo has Ace to keep her happy. Let's hope that Mantasia can meet a nice girl in the touring company of Ain't Misbehavin', because I don't know that singing an Idol coronation song is going to get you your own. Risky. Always risky.
SIDEBAR #4: Oh. Post-Millennium picks. So out of seven performances we get five artists? Shouldn't this be a really long list? Who let this happen? Alicia Keys sucks.
SIDEBAR #5: Ok, she doesn't suck. But No One is a terrible song.
SIDEBAR #6: Is Hollie from England?
SIDEBAR #7: Oh look at that. Who knew? Maybe someone should pay attention to the sob stories during auditions. This explains all the Celine-isms. Now I totally get it.
SOUL TRAIN: This could be messy. Or awesome. I can't decide which one.
So Small (Son of a Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield) - Not as good as the first round, but not bad. I'll take it. (Although to be fair, I was listening from the other room, where I was wrestling with a particularly messy cork situation.)
Lesser Cook (September by Earth, Wind and Fire) - I'm not going to harp on song choice like the judges. I liked the verse, but the ba di ya part was weird. Let's focus on something else instead. Like the STUPID PINK STREAK. Why do people keep doing that? I never see anyone walking around on the street with a pink streak in their hair. What is it about Idol that makes seemingly normal people want to dye their hair pink?
Kindred Spirit (Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye) - I love that smooth alto sound...but this was too low for you by at least a minor third. If you're going to sing a classic song, be sure you can actually get the title and the expected melody out at least once.
Matthew Matthews (In the Midnight Hour by Wilson Pickett) - Now that's what I was talking about. And although Matthew always looks like he's enjoying himself, this MM was a different beast. Filled with joy, that was. Winning.
SIDEBAR #8: I just realized that I do that lifting the foot dance move all the time. Except I do it when there's no singing going on.
SIDEBAR #9: Now is the time that I start getting nervous about the voting. Because when MM lands in the bottom three, I am not going to be happy.
SIDEBAR #10: Screw Kris Allen! That's John Noble behind him! Why doesn't Seacrest talk to him?
SIDEBAR #11: I didn't mean that, Kris. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night.
Jasmine 2.1: A New Beginning (Try a Little Tenderness by Otis Redding and a zillion other people) - Pitchy, but the magic of the save will keep you around for at least a week.
SIDEBAR #12: What's with female singers needing an alter ego to sing uptempo songs? Do we have to have a Sasha Fierce for everyone? No. We do not.
Pink Streak Woman (Heard It Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye) - I prefer the California Raisins' performance of this song, so it was just ok with me. Not ok? Why would you put a sparkly ankle bracelet on if YOU'RE WEARING COWBOY BOOTS? No.
NO.
Oh also? Why is that creepy fiddle player always following PSW around with that maniacal look on his face?
Mantasia (A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke) - Well this came as no surprise. Show of hands: who else knew Mantasia was going to choose this song? And after that Believe nonsense, isn't this a little overkill?
Plus, I'd rather listen to this.
Come on Player, you're about to be George Huff-ed right out of here.
BOTTOM THREE: Kindred Spirit, Mantasia, Lesser Cook
SHOULD GO: Mantasia
WILL GO: Mantasia
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