Oh Heidi. Conjuring up images of Paris Hilton or J.Lo or Sarah Jessica, only to come into the workroom yourself? So sneaky. But why do I get the feeling this episode is going suck?
BANGS JR: What? Are you kidding me? This isn't the type of thing that happens when we're down to the final six. And this isn't the type of thing that happens at the beginning of an episode. I'm as flabbergasted as the designers. (But that's no reason for NeckStar to tell me to f*ck off. Rude.)
SIDEBAR #1: Suzanne's back! (Although his quotation from Gypsy was misplaced - Mama Rose you are not, Suzanne.)
SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Wow...that's...ugly. I can't believe you waited till 11:30 to start a new dress. Then again, I can't believe you went for the cutout fabric plan...again. Come on dude, the judges don't like it. They're not taken by the detailing. They're taken by your complete lack of taste.
IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD (AND YOUR OBNOXIOUS LISP): Ha! I love Nina's complete deadeye look while your dress was on the runway. Yeah, you might keep winning challenges, but I guarantee that she's fighting against you every single week.
SIDEBAR #2: Jessica Alba is really lame. I bet she was supposed to be the celebrity model, but then Heidi decided she was too boring. Because she is. She just wanted a free dress.
FLOPS McCUTOFF: Did you listen to what you just said? You like to accentuate a woman's ass? I can already hear Heidi complaining about this. Come on, dude.
COLORBLOCK BANGS: Oh Colorblock. Did you hear Nina? She chose to use your dress for a call back to Bravo. That doesn't bode well for you. Neither does the fact that you design the same type of dress every week. Then again, Leanne always had those weird floppy things on all of her dresses and they gave her to prize. Oh well.
SIDEBAR #3: Is anyone else bored? I am.
NECKSTAR: Eh.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: Woo! Not enough talking this week, but it was an awesome dress. Good for you! You're clearly bucking for the Chris March Fan Favorite prize.
NEXT WEEK: Crazy Crotch, Snooze and a Big Blue Condom. Either things get more exciting next week, or else the producers are just trying to make sure I don't jump off the bandwagon like I did last year. Tell you what - stop making IYHBEFYH(AYOL) win and that will help.
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Showing posts with label project runway 7. Show all posts
Showing posts with label project runway 7. Show all posts
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Project Runway: Throw One Back For Suzanne
Oh good. Replay the teaser of Emilio and his big head. This means that I'm going to start this episode the same way I ended last week. Drunk and angry. Although the drunk is likely due to the fact that the happy hour margaritas were nice and strong. Luckily my anger quickly dissipates with the adorableness of Vivienne and the awesomeness of this challenge (HP commercial excepted). It's making the graphic design geek in me want to toast. So let's break out the Cava.
IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD? Everything that comes out of your mouth makes me cringe. Why are you such a douche? Sure. Put your initials all over your fabric. Say the word "viscera" over and over. Talk about your rights as a designer. And don't FREAKING LISTEN TO TIM GUNN. Oh well. No one can read your stupid name/heart fabric. Emilio Sosa hearts Seth Aaron. Hahahahahahaha. Ha. (No, I don't care that the judges love it or that you're the winner of the challenge. You're a jerk.)
NECKSTAR: I don't get it, but then I never get Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain's designs. As long as he's not a jerk like Big Head or Jeffrey from Season 3, then I'm ok with him winning. Or whatever.
SIDEBAR #1: The Cava is working out quite nicely.
FLOPS McCUTOFF: Well, I could harp on your green pants (a gay Christmas ornament - ha! Thanks, Suzanne). But I like your fabric enough to give you a bye this week. You're welcome. (Plus, you're smack in the middle of the pack. What am I supposed to do with that?)
BANGS SR: You know what would have been cool? Fabric that looks like drips of paint. You know what your fabric looks like? The serape that Frank painted on the ceiling of that one kitchen on Trading Spaces back in 2002. (Did I? Did I just call back to 2002 in a moment that doesn't involve Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. I did. Bring it.) One thing I will say: your dress moved like it was covered in drips of paint. Don't blame your model for the fact that it doesn't flow at all.
SIDEBAR #2: Do you know how hard it is to find a link from 2002? Not easy. But here's a shot from that kitchen, for anyone who's interested.
SIDEBAR #3: Damn it, Michael Kors. I looked up serape and found that stupid link way before the runway and your critique. Way to steal my thunder.
BANGS JR: Come on Bangs. Your fabric rules. Now just don't ruin it with an overpowering collar and a Nadia Turner fauxha...oh. Never mind. Carry on. It's definitely electric. Boogie woogie woogie.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: OK Suzanne. You've won me over. I don't care what your fashion is for the rest of the season. I just need you to stick around and talk about Beyonce and Oprah and your dirty uncle Leroy as long as possible. Don't let me down.
SIDEBAR #4: I initially thought Heidi had gotten a haircut. But then she comes out on the runway with her normal/awesome long hair. How does she do that? I am weekly convinced that Heidi is magic.
SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Are you going to make every dress match your pale Taylor Swift wannabe's skin? And what's with the straightjacket (attributed fully to Kors)? You've pushed Nina beyond upsetting. The emotion that we all feel about your dress isn't sadness. It's laughter. And isn't that what you've been going for all along?
WINNER: Bleh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ugh. Way to let me down just when you'd made me like you. I'm not going to remember you as that funny designer from the south. I'm going to remember you as the guy in the Members Only jacket who couldn't live up to my expectations.
NEXT WEEK: A bitchy celebrity. Awesome. Please make Big Head talk back to her. And please make her put him in his place.
Please.
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IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD? Everything that comes out of your mouth makes me cringe. Why are you such a douche? Sure. Put your initials all over your fabric. Say the word "viscera" over and over. Talk about your rights as a designer. And don't FREAKING LISTEN TO TIM GUNN. Oh well. No one can read your stupid name/heart fabric. Emilio Sosa hearts Seth Aaron. Hahahahahahaha. Ha. (No, I don't care that the judges love it or that you're the winner of the challenge. You're a jerk.)
NECKSTAR: I don't get it, but then I never get Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain's designs. As long as he's not a jerk like Big Head or Jeffrey from Season 3, then I'm ok with him winning. Or whatever.
SIDEBAR #1: The Cava is working out quite nicely.
FLOPS McCUTOFF: Well, I could harp on your green pants (a gay Christmas ornament - ha! Thanks, Suzanne). But I like your fabric enough to give you a bye this week. You're welcome. (Plus, you're smack in the middle of the pack. What am I supposed to do with that?)
BANGS SR: You know what would have been cool? Fabric that looks like drips of paint. You know what your fabric looks like? The serape that Frank painted on the ceiling of that one kitchen on Trading Spaces back in 2002. (Did I? Did I just call back to 2002 in a moment that doesn't involve Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. I did. Bring it.) One thing I will say: your dress moved like it was covered in drips of paint. Don't blame your model for the fact that it doesn't flow at all.
SIDEBAR #2: Do you know how hard it is to find a link from 2002? Not easy. But here's a shot from that kitchen, for anyone who's interested.
SIDEBAR #3: Damn it, Michael Kors. I looked up serape and found that stupid link way before the runway and your critique. Way to steal my thunder.
BANGS JR: Come on Bangs. Your fabric rules. Now just don't ruin it with an overpowering collar and a Nadia Turner fauxha...oh. Never mind. Carry on. It's definitely electric. Boogie woogie woogie.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: OK Suzanne. You've won me over. I don't care what your fashion is for the rest of the season. I just need you to stick around and talk about Beyonce and Oprah and your dirty uncle Leroy as long as possible. Don't let me down.
SIDEBAR #4: I initially thought Heidi had gotten a haircut. But then she comes out on the runway with her normal/awesome long hair. How does she do that? I am weekly convinced that Heidi is magic.
SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Are you going to make every dress match your pale Taylor Swift wannabe's skin? And what's with the straightjacket (attributed fully to Kors)? You've pushed Nina beyond upsetting. The emotion that we all feel about your dress isn't sadness. It's laughter. And isn't that what you've been going for all along?
WINNER: Bleh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ugh. Way to let me down just when you'd made me like you. I'm not going to remember you as that funny designer from the south. I'm going to remember you as the guy in the Members Only jacket who couldn't live up to my expectations.
NEXT WEEK: A bitchy celebrity. Awesome. Please make Big Head talk back to her. And please make her put him in his place.
Please.
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Saturday, March 20, 2010
Project Runway: A Snowy Saturday
As expected, the Idol takes up a lot of time and alcohol. But after two weeks of warm, sweatshirt only weather, it is snowing in Chicago. What better time to rock some screwdrivers and catch up on the Runway?
HARDWARE CHALLENGE: Oh right. I remember watching this. Well, I remember this being on. I'd been at a happy hour that turned into an evening of tequila shots (you know how that happens). When I got home I sat in my chair, and that lady over there on the couch started giving me the downlow, since she'd watched it in real time. But then I got distracted by the fringey vest (which I'm fairly certain my parents made me wear as a youth in 1979) and a few pairs of inappropriately tailored shorts. Designers - dress thyselves. And maybe look in a mirror.
At some point that lady over there on the couch went into the kitchen to pour more balsamic in the bowl into which she was dipping her bread. "So do you actually like anyone this season?" she asked. As my chair is next to the kitchen, it was easy to turn my head from all the hammering to answer, "I like the guy who always wears the floppy hat. He seems nice and doesn't dress like a fool, aside from all the American Apparel deep v-necks."
Little did I know that I was about to bid farewell to Floppy. Because I drifted in and out of sleep during the episode, sitting fully upright in my chair, to catch glimpses of copper bodices, trashbag pants and an unfortunate washer bikini that actually deserved to go home before Floppy. So even though I didn't get the full effect of the disasters that ensued, I feel that I was drunk enough to adequately judge. I'll miss you Floppy. As such, let's move on.
SIDEBAR #1: "I love that guy. I mean, he's so annoying, but I love listening to his voice. He's like Blanche DuBois." - That Lady Over There On the Couch; "I think he's more like Suzanne Sugarbaker. And not in a good way." - Me.
EARTH, WIND & FIRE CHALLENGE: Let's start the episode with a performance that is as scripted and as wooden as the commercial episode of America's Next Top Model. Thanks, Philip Carreon. I've really found my inspiration in the natural world.
Now, while the designers are sketching or shopping or something, let's talk. (Wait, are you really being inspired by a shark? Do you really...oh, never mind.) I don't think I realized before now that the women are all fairly normal and don't dress like costume designers. Whereas all of the men (excepting NeckStars and Suzanne Sugarbaker, who have their own signature looks that have not yet annoyed me) dress like gay hobos from Cleveland (apologies to Cleveland - to be fair, I've never been to Cleveland - I'm sure it's very nice). I will say right now that I am putting my foot down. NO MORE CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS. Seriously, Igor, you're on national TV. Put on some normal pants (or if you must, at least shorts with a hem) and maybe something with SLEEVES. Sweater set? I'm talking to you too. Just because you roll them up, that doesn't make it ok. And if I see you flopping around in those dirty white flops for one more week...I'm going to visibly cringe. Everyone else? Stop with the tapered pants/shorts/douchescarves. I. JUST. CANNOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.
SIDEBAR #2: "I want her to to look like she's enveloped in laughter." What? What the hell does that mean? God, there is not enough vodka in the world for this.
God. Please stop saying "laughter." Do you realize every time you spout that idiocy I have to take a drink and close my eyes to contain myself. Although I can't give you laughter, I would like to show you what it looks like to be enveloped in anger and thirst. (You know, I would like to, but the time spent looking for my camera would be more productive spent mixing a bloody mary.)
Oh Tim. Leave it to you to make everything better for me. "You look like you're in the middle of a Make It Work moment." Tim, combined with the sweet nectar that is Belvedere has made it possible for me to stomach this runway show.
Wow, that's a lot of grey. But Heidi made it worth it with her "your shark teeth came back to bite you" line. And with her "Amy...you're in." Because that's the way this episode needed to end.
LAUGHTER COUNT: 7 (that's too many for one 40 minute episode)
SIDEBAR #3: And because my Tivo cut off most of the preview for next week, I'm going to imagine what I hope will happen. Let's start with Heidi telling the designers that Tim is going to meet them in the Designer's Lounge. And then Tim sits them down and says "OK designers, we're going to go out into the city. But first we're going to shake things up. Behind me you'll see a number of bags from the Gap. It is my pleasure to tell you that all of the men are going to change out of their skinny jeans and put on something normal. Because we can't have you swanning around in public in what you're wearing now. And then we'll go to Mood!"
That would be great.
NEIGHBORHOOD TEAM CHALLENGE: Damn it NeckStar, I gave you a bye last week. And then you had to go and ruin it with the pink skinny. Way to dash my dreams about how this episode would go. Time for a refill.
The one saving grace of these team episodes is the drama. There's more fighting than a hockey game. Sadly, there are also more flip flops than a hockey game. Personally, I'd rather be at a hockey game right now.
You know what else you don't see at a hockey game? Jodhpurs. But somehow we apparently need to see them every season. Poor Tim tries to help, this year even going so far as to say "Are Nina and Heidi going to ask what woman wants to be wider there?" Designers. Listen to Tim. He always knows what's right.
I love Molly Sims. She's a terrible actress, but I totally believe that she will show up in US Weekly wearing that hat. And the lines? "That tank...no." "It looked like Lower East Side." Beautiful.
I'm wondering if the men on this show choose unflattering clothes for themselves (Suzanne Sugarbaker - I'm talking to you about that cardigan - and those pink shorts that Jonathan is rocking? Not good news.) because they are so focused on how clothes look on women. Or else they just have bad taste. Hard to call.
Top 2 groups? Yeah. Good stuff. That lady over there on the couch says she would wear any of those things. Also? It's after noon, so she has switched to whiskey. She knows how to do things right.
Bottom 2 groups? We like the Upper East Side looks, with the exception of the darkened nipples on the evening look. But they are easily better than that tank top. Are you kidding? Are we expected to believe that you were going for asymmetry? I could sew better than that. Even after a morning of drinking.
SIDEBAR #4: Does anyone else think Heidi looks really weird on the cover of Marie Claire?
The Verdict: The two winners totally deserved it. But Flops should have been given the boot over Amy. Or both of them should have gone. I will be damned if Flops makes it to the top 3.
NEXT WEEK: Emilio doesn't ever listen to Tim? Great. See my advice above.
Have a great weekend kids. See you on Tuesday for Idol.
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HARDWARE CHALLENGE: Oh right. I remember watching this. Well, I remember this being on. I'd been at a happy hour that turned into an evening of tequila shots (you know how that happens). When I got home I sat in my chair, and that lady over there on the couch started giving me the downlow, since she'd watched it in real time. But then I got distracted by the fringey vest (which I'm fairly certain my parents made me wear as a youth in 1979) and a few pairs of inappropriately tailored shorts. Designers - dress thyselves. And maybe look in a mirror.
At some point that lady over there on the couch went into the kitchen to pour more balsamic in the bowl into which she was dipping her bread. "So do you actually like anyone this season?" she asked. As my chair is next to the kitchen, it was easy to turn my head from all the hammering to answer, "I like the guy who always wears the floppy hat. He seems nice and doesn't dress like a fool, aside from all the American Apparel deep v-necks."
Little did I know that I was about to bid farewell to Floppy. Because I drifted in and out of sleep during the episode, sitting fully upright in my chair, to catch glimpses of copper bodices, trashbag pants and an unfortunate washer bikini that actually deserved to go home before Floppy. So even though I didn't get the full effect of the disasters that ensued, I feel that I was drunk enough to adequately judge. I'll miss you Floppy. As such, let's move on.
SIDEBAR #1: "I love that guy. I mean, he's so annoying, but I love listening to his voice. He's like Blanche DuBois." - That Lady Over There On the Couch; "I think he's more like Suzanne Sugarbaker. And not in a good way." - Me.
EARTH, WIND & FIRE CHALLENGE: Let's start the episode with a performance that is as scripted and as wooden as the commercial episode of America's Next Top Model. Thanks, Philip Carreon. I've really found my inspiration in the natural world.
Now, while the designers are sketching or shopping or something, let's talk. (Wait, are you really being inspired by a shark? Do you really...oh, never mind.) I don't think I realized before now that the women are all fairly normal and don't dress like costume designers. Whereas all of the men (excepting NeckStars and Suzanne Sugarbaker, who have their own signature looks that have not yet annoyed me) dress like gay hobos from Cleveland (apologies to Cleveland - to be fair, I've never been to Cleveland - I'm sure it's very nice). I will say right now that I am putting my foot down. NO MORE CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS. Seriously, Igor, you're on national TV. Put on some normal pants (or if you must, at least shorts with a hem) and maybe something with SLEEVES. Sweater set? I'm talking to you too. Just because you roll them up, that doesn't make it ok. And if I see you flopping around in those dirty white flops for one more week...I'm going to visibly cringe. Everyone else? Stop with the tapered pants/shorts/douchescarves. I. JUST. CANNOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.
SIDEBAR #2: "I want her to to look like she's enveloped in laughter." What? What the hell does that mean? God, there is not enough vodka in the world for this.
God. Please stop saying "laughter." Do you realize every time you spout that idiocy I have to take a drink and close my eyes to contain myself. Although I can't give you laughter, I would like to show you what it looks like to be enveloped in anger and thirst. (You know, I would like to, but the time spent looking for my camera would be more productive spent mixing a bloody mary.)
Oh Tim. Leave it to you to make everything better for me. "You look like you're in the middle of a Make It Work moment." Tim, combined with the sweet nectar that is Belvedere has made it possible for me to stomach this runway show.
Wow, that's a lot of grey. But Heidi made it worth it with her "your shark teeth came back to bite you" line. And with her "Amy...you're in." Because that's the way this episode needed to end.
LAUGHTER COUNT: 7 (that's too many for one 40 minute episode)
SIDEBAR #3: And because my Tivo cut off most of the preview for next week, I'm going to imagine what I hope will happen. Let's start with Heidi telling the designers that Tim is going to meet them in the Designer's Lounge. And then Tim sits them down and says "OK designers, we're going to go out into the city. But first we're going to shake things up. Behind me you'll see a number of bags from the Gap. It is my pleasure to tell you that all of the men are going to change out of their skinny jeans and put on something normal. Because we can't have you swanning around in public in what you're wearing now. And then we'll go to Mood!"
That would be great.
NEIGHBORHOOD TEAM CHALLENGE: Damn it NeckStar, I gave you a bye last week. And then you had to go and ruin it with the pink skinny. Way to dash my dreams about how this episode would go. Time for a refill.
The one saving grace of these team episodes is the drama. There's more fighting than a hockey game. Sadly, there are also more flip flops than a hockey game. Personally, I'd rather be at a hockey game right now.
You know what else you don't see at a hockey game? Jodhpurs. But somehow we apparently need to see them every season. Poor Tim tries to help, this year even going so far as to say "Are Nina and Heidi going to ask what woman wants to be wider there?" Designers. Listen to Tim. He always knows what's right.
I love Molly Sims. She's a terrible actress, but I totally believe that she will show up in US Weekly wearing that hat. And the lines? "That tank...no." "It looked like Lower East Side." Beautiful.
I'm wondering if the men on this show choose unflattering clothes for themselves (Suzanne Sugarbaker - I'm talking to you about that cardigan - and those pink shorts that Jonathan is rocking? Not good news.) because they are so focused on how clothes look on women. Or else they just have bad taste. Hard to call.
Top 2 groups? Yeah. Good stuff. That lady over there on the couch says she would wear any of those things. Also? It's after noon, so she has switched to whiskey. She knows how to do things right.
Bottom 2 groups? We like the Upper East Side looks, with the exception of the darkened nipples on the evening look. But they are easily better than that tank top. Are you kidding? Are we expected to believe that you were going for asymmetry? I could sew better than that. Even after a morning of drinking.
SIDEBAR #4: Does anyone else think Heidi looks really weird on the cover of Marie Claire?
The Verdict: The two winners totally deserved it. But Flops should have been given the boot over Amy. Or both of them should have gone. I will be damned if Flops makes it to the top 3.
NEXT WEEK: Emilio doesn't ever listen to Tim? Great. See my advice above.
Have a great weekend kids. See you on Tuesday for Idol.
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Thursday, February 18, 2010
Project Runway: Four Episodes At Once
Oh children. I've toyed with you and dangled the proverbial carrot in front of your faces by making promises that I can't keep. Sadly, I don't like carrots - they taste like dirt. I like wine. So tonight, while drinking the better part of the four bottles of Vinho Verde I just purchased from the Trader Joe's, we're going to catch up with Project Runway.
POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
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POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
Continue Reading
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Project Runway: Well, It's Better Than Last Season
It might be the bottle of cabernet that I consumed before sitting down to watch, but I found myself constantly saying either "Whaaaaat?" or "Noooooooo" throughout the premiere of Project Runway 7. I just don't, and probably never will get fashion.
But that doesn't mean I won't judge the people who try to create it. And as long as Idol doesn't take up too much of my time, this may be a nice Thursday night respite from the singing. Don't fear, children. I won't leave you hanging after one episode like I did last year.
But I can't promise that I have much to say about half of these disasters. As always, if you have a good nickname suggestion, leave it in the comments. Designers are in the order they were introduced:
NeckStar (Seth Aaron): OK, I support people with two names. But they need to be names that go together. Be Seth or be Aaron. Or, let's be honest, be Blaine or Chip something else ironic/hipster/yuppie, because I do not believe that your look is genuine. Maybe it was the sparkly scarf under your red blazer. Maybe it was the contrived bandana that you appear to wear all the time (stupid previews). Or maybe it's the fact that I've seen your design before: you know, when Jeffrey Sebelia did a whole season of it. This is not starting off well.
Janis (Janeane): It may be a bit of a reach, but I can't bear the idea of calling you Crybaby this whole season. And by "this whole season" I mean "for the next four weeks" because that's how long I give you unless you shape up. We're literally two minutes in. Stop with the waterworks.
SIDEBAR #1: OK, you all just got a letter from Heidi inviting you to the roof for champagne. Why are you A) surprised about this and B) screaming? Is this Top Model?
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Heidi is "a little pregnant."
Ping Pong (Thanks for that, Anthony): Sigh. Why does Chicago always seem to produce the biggest freaks? It makes me feel bad about myself. But not as bad as that model had to feel. Especially after she completed that step-ball-change at the end of the runway. I'm not going to dwell on this Top 3 nonsense. Nicole Richie is wearing a tie-dyed dress - I don't care if this was her favorite look - she clearly shops in the Retro on Roscoe street booths. And not in a good way.
Ben (The comic book guy): I'm pretty sure you were just wearing a vest at the runway. That's not good news. I suggest you find some sort of shirt to wear in the future. Remember the Tiki Barber challenge? Nina does not like men who forgoe shirts in inappropriate settings.
Black, Gay & Ghetto (Anthony): OK, I will try to like you, if for no other reason than your response of "And I'm thirsty" to the weight conversation. But the one thing I don't understand (Well, if we count the gold tux shirt, orange socks, orange pants and your inane need to talk on the runway, there are at least five things I don't understand. But I digress.) is why you decided to quench that thirst with water? Interesting.
SIDEBAR #3: That model next to BGG is scarily Amazon. Seriously, I'm worried that she might try to eat him.
Specialty (Jay): There's a great sandwich place on Lake and Franklin called Specialty's. They also make really good cookies. That's all I could think about, because every time you said "specialty," I did not believe that you were referring to that dress. No one likes the seam. TIM doesn't like the seam. Take out the seam. Why don't they ever learn? Wait. Am I talking about the right designer?
Glass Ceiling (Pamela): It seems like we have one of these every year. You know, someone who was slaving away in the corporate world and reached "the top position" (that they wanted - sure) and then decided that they needed "a new challenge." Here's what that says to me: "My trust fund is too large and I slept with my boss, so I got fired. Since I don't need to actually work for a living, maybe I'll try fashion! It's a challenge!" OK.
SIDEBAR #4: It doesn't show that you're happy. It shows that you're less than adequate with an iron.
Ed Grimley (Jonathan): As one who has used paint to make costumes different colors, I support you. But don't piss me off.
Jack Sparrow (Jesse): If this were Bravo, Andy Cohen would have already shown six clips of you with your shirt off. Way to drop the ball, Lifetime. Television for Women, my ass.
Anna Marie: Eh.
SIDEBAR #5: Actually, there seem to be a lot of Amazons in the Model camp this year. No, I will not be watching Models of the Runway. I do have some standards.
Bangs Sr. (Mila): Weren't you here designing vintage cocktail dresses last season?
Bangs Jr. (Maya): And you too?
Colors of the Wind (Christiane): I have heard the wolf cry for the blue corn moon. Because the moon had the misfortune to be on the red carpet in one of your (two!) creations. You know what makes a really good Runway contestant? Telling us how successful you are and how good you are with textures, layers, colors and dresses. Wait. That sounds like...fashion. Wow. You're good with fashion. Except you're not so much.
Train Wreck (Jesus): Yeah, that's not a train. It's a tail. Hmmm. The wine has clouded my vision. Either that or Jay/Jesus are just too similar in their disaster that I cannot tell them apart. Well, one of you did a poor job with their dress. And the other probably did not do much better. Oh well.
SIDEBAR #6: "Aha!" Heidi, I love you.
Emilio: Although your lisp annoys me, I'll give you that your dress was pretty good. But did it bother anyone else that the pattern didn't match up along the side seam? No? Just me? Stupid fashion.
Amy: Eh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ok, I'll commit to this season for a few more months. But you'd better leave the runway before I change my mind.
Oh Heidi.
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But that doesn't mean I won't judge the people who try to create it. And as long as Idol doesn't take up too much of my time, this may be a nice Thursday night respite from the singing. Don't fear, children. I won't leave you hanging after one episode like I did last year.
But I can't promise that I have much to say about half of these disasters. As always, if you have a good nickname suggestion, leave it in the comments. Designers are in the order they were introduced:
NeckStar (Seth Aaron): OK, I support people with two names. But they need to be names that go together. Be Seth or be Aaron. Or, let's be honest, be Blaine or Chip something else ironic/hipster/yuppie, because I do not believe that your look is genuine. Maybe it was the sparkly scarf under your red blazer. Maybe it was the contrived bandana that you appear to wear all the time (stupid previews). Or maybe it's the fact that I've seen your design before: you know, when Jeffrey Sebelia did a whole season of it. This is not starting off well.
Janis (Janeane): It may be a bit of a reach, but I can't bear the idea of calling you Crybaby this whole season. And by "this whole season" I mean "for the next four weeks" because that's how long I give you unless you shape up. We're literally two minutes in. Stop with the waterworks.
SIDEBAR #1: OK, you all just got a letter from Heidi inviting you to the roof for champagne. Why are you A) surprised about this and B) screaming? Is this Top Model?
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Heidi is "a little pregnant."
Ping Pong (Thanks for that, Anthony): Sigh. Why does Chicago always seem to produce the biggest freaks? It makes me feel bad about myself. But not as bad as that model had to feel. Especially after she completed that step-ball-change at the end of the runway. I'm not going to dwell on this Top 3 nonsense. Nicole Richie is wearing a tie-dyed dress - I don't care if this was her favorite look - she clearly shops in the Retro on Roscoe street booths. And not in a good way.
Ben (The comic book guy): I'm pretty sure you were just wearing a vest at the runway. That's not good news. I suggest you find some sort of shirt to wear in the future. Remember the Tiki Barber challenge? Nina does not like men who forgoe shirts in inappropriate settings.
Black, Gay & Ghetto (Anthony): OK, I will try to like you, if for no other reason than your response of "And I'm thirsty" to the weight conversation. But the one thing I don't understand (Well, if we count the gold tux shirt, orange socks, orange pants and your inane need to talk on the runway, there are at least five things I don't understand. But I digress.) is why you decided to quench that thirst with water? Interesting.
SIDEBAR #3: That model next to BGG is scarily Amazon. Seriously, I'm worried that she might try to eat him.
Specialty (Jay): There's a great sandwich place on Lake and Franklin called Specialty's. They also make really good cookies. That's all I could think about, because every time you said "specialty," I did not believe that you were referring to that dress. No one likes the seam. TIM doesn't like the seam. Take out the seam. Why don't they ever learn? Wait. Am I talking about the right designer?
Glass Ceiling (Pamela): It seems like we have one of these every year. You know, someone who was slaving away in the corporate world and reached "the top position" (that they wanted - sure) and then decided that they needed "a new challenge." Here's what that says to me: "My trust fund is too large and I slept with my boss, so I got fired. Since I don't need to actually work for a living, maybe I'll try fashion! It's a challenge!" OK.
SIDEBAR #4: It doesn't show that you're happy. It shows that you're less than adequate with an iron.
Ed Grimley (Jonathan): As one who has used paint to make costumes different colors, I support you. But don't piss me off.
Jack Sparrow (Jesse): If this were Bravo, Andy Cohen would have already shown six clips of you with your shirt off. Way to drop the ball, Lifetime. Television for Women, my ass.
Anna Marie: Eh.
SIDEBAR #5: Actually, there seem to be a lot of Amazons in the Model camp this year. No, I will not be watching Models of the Runway. I do have some standards.
Bangs Sr. (Mila): Weren't you here designing vintage cocktail dresses last season?
Bangs Jr. (Maya): And you too?
Colors of the Wind (Christiane): I have heard the wolf cry for the blue corn moon. Because the moon had the misfortune to be on the red carpet in one of your (two!) creations. You know what makes a really good Runway contestant? Telling us how successful you are and how good you are with textures, layers, colors and dresses. Wait. That sounds like...fashion. Wow. You're good with fashion. Except you're not so much.
Train Wreck (Jesus): Yeah, that's not a train. It's a tail. Hmmm. The wine has clouded my vision. Either that or Jay/Jesus are just too similar in their disaster that I cannot tell them apart. Well, one of you did a poor job with their dress. And the other probably did not do much better. Oh well.
SIDEBAR #6: "Aha!" Heidi, I love you.
Emilio: Although your lisp annoys me, I'll give you that your dress was pretty good. But did it bother anyone else that the pattern didn't match up along the side seam? No? Just me? Stupid fashion.
Amy: Eh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ok, I'll commit to this season for a few more months. But you'd better leave the runway before I change my mind.
Oh Heidi.
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