Project Runway: Four Episodes At Once

Oh children. I've toyed with you and dangled the proverbial carrot in front of your faces by making promises that I can't keep. Sadly, I don't like carrots - they taste like dirt. I like wine. So tonight, while drinking the better part of the four bottles of Vinho Verde I just purchased from the Trader Joe's, we're going to catch up with Project Runway.

POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:

Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela

Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.

SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.

MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.

I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.

Oh wait.

Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.

Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.

Let's move on.

SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?

CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.

That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.

Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.

Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.

SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.

Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.

SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.

Did you really just use the word "cooter"?

SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.

SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.

Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.

Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.

Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.

Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.

Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.

HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.

Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.

Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.

Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.

*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.

SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.

OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -

Wait - did he just say "romper?"

- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?

Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.

SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.

Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?

Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?

SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?

Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.

PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.

FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.

Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.

Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.

SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.

SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?

Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.

"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.

Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.

Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.

SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.

Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.

JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.

PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.

Or maybe not. We'll see.