Project Runway: Well, It's Better Than Last Season

It might be the bottle of cabernet that I consumed before sitting down to watch, but I found myself constantly saying either "Whaaaaat?" or "Noooooooo" throughout the premiere of Project Runway 7. I just don't, and probably never will get fashion.

But that doesn't mean I won't judge the people who try to create it. And as long as Idol doesn't take up too much of my time, this may be a nice Thursday night respite from the singing. Don't fear, children. I won't leave you hanging after one episode like I did last year.

But I can't promise that I have much to say about half of these disasters. As always, if you have a good nickname suggestion, leave it in the comments. Designers are in the order they were introduced:

NeckStar (Seth Aaron): OK, I support people with two names. But they need to be names that go together. Be Seth or be Aaron. Or, let's be honest, be Blaine or Chip something else ironic/hipster/yuppie, because I do not believe that your look is genuine. Maybe it was the sparkly scarf under your red blazer. Maybe it was the contrived bandana that you appear to wear all the time (stupid previews). Or maybe it's the fact that I've seen your design before: you know, when Jeffrey Sebelia did a whole season of it. This is not starting off well.

Janis (Janeane): It may be a bit of a reach, but I can't bear the idea of calling you Crybaby this whole season. And by "this whole season" I mean "for the next four weeks" because that's how long I give you unless you shape up. We're literally two minutes in. Stop with the waterworks.

SIDEBAR #1: OK, you all just got a letter from Heidi inviting you to the roof for champagne. Why are you A) surprised about this and B) screaming? Is this Top Model?

SIDEBAR #2: I love that Heidi is "a little pregnant."

Ping Pong (Thanks for that, Anthony): Sigh. Why does Chicago always seem to produce the biggest freaks? It makes me feel bad about myself. But not as bad as that model had to feel. Especially after she completed that step-ball-change at the end of the runway. I'm not going to dwell on this Top 3 nonsense. Nicole Richie is wearing a tie-dyed dress - I don't care if this was her favorite look - she clearly shops in the Retro on Roscoe street booths. And not in a good way.

Ben (The comic book guy): I'm pretty sure you were just wearing a vest at the runway. That's not good news. I suggest you find some sort of shirt to wear in the future. Remember the Tiki Barber challenge? Nina does not like men who forgoe shirts in inappropriate settings.

Black, Gay & Ghetto (Anthony): OK, I will try to like you, if for no other reason than your response of "And I'm thirsty" to the weight conversation. But the one thing I don't understand (Well, if we count the gold tux shirt, orange socks, orange pants and your inane need to talk on the runway, there are at least five things I don't understand. But I digress.) is why you decided to quench that thirst with water? Interesting.

SIDEBAR #3: That model next to BGG is scarily Amazon. Seriously, I'm worried that she might try to eat him.

Specialty (Jay): There's a great sandwich place on Lake and Franklin called Specialty's. They also make really good cookies. That's all I could think about, because every time you said "specialty," I did not believe that you were referring to that dress. No one likes the seam. TIM doesn't like the seam. Take out the seam. Why don't they ever learn? Wait. Am I talking about the right designer?

Glass Ceiling (Pamela): It seems like we have one of these every year. You know, someone who was slaving away in the corporate world and reached "the top position" (that they wanted - sure) and then decided that they needed "a new challenge." Here's what that says to me: "My trust fund is too large and I slept with my boss, so I got fired. Since I don't need to actually work for a living, maybe I'll try fashion! It's a challenge!" OK.

SIDEBAR #4: It doesn't show that you're happy. It shows that you're less than adequate with an iron.

Ed Grimley (Jonathan): As one who has used paint to make costumes different colors, I support you. But don't piss me off.

Jack Sparrow (Jesse): If this were Bravo, Andy Cohen would have already shown six clips of you with your shirt off. Way to drop the ball, Lifetime. Television for Women, my ass.

Anna Marie: Eh.

SIDEBAR #5: Actually, there seem to be a lot of Amazons in the Model camp this year. No, I will not be watching Models of the Runway. I do have some standards.

Bangs Sr. (Mila): Weren't you here designing vintage cocktail dresses last season?

Bangs Jr. (Maya): And you too?

Colors of the Wind (Christiane): I have heard the wolf cry for the blue corn moon. Because the moon had the misfortune to be on the red carpet in one of your (two!) creations. You know what makes a really good Runway contestant? Telling us how successful you are and how good you are with textures, layers, colors and dresses. Wait. That sounds like...fashion. Wow. You're good with fashion. Except you're not so much.

Train Wreck (Jesus): Yeah, that's not a train. It's a tail. Hmmm. The wine has clouded my vision. Either that or Jay/Jesus are just too similar in their disaster that I cannot tell them apart. Well, one of you did a poor job with their dress. And the other probably did not do much better. Oh well.

SIDEBAR #6: "Aha!" Heidi, I love you.

Emilio: Although your lisp annoys me, I'll give you that your dress was pretty good. But did it bother anyone else that the pattern didn't match up along the side seam? No? Just me? Stupid fashion.

Amy: Eh.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ok, I'll commit to this season for a few more months. But you'd better leave the runway before I change my mind.

Oh Heidi.