American Idol Top 24 Girls: The Day Ryan Jinxes Everyone

"So here's the math. For the next three weeks, each group will take the stage separately. And based on your votes, we will lose the bottom two girls and the bottom two guys until we get down to your top 12. Sounds easy, but you're gonna have to make some tough calls because this year's group really is incredible and has great potential." Good job, Ryan. I'm now expecting the worst live show in history.

SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.

Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.

Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.

Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.

Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.

SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"


Awesome.

Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.

SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.

Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.

SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.

SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.

Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)

Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.

Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.

Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)

Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.

But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.

(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.

SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.

So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?

BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.