Project Runway: A Snowy Saturday

As expected, the Idol takes up a lot of time and alcohol. But after two weeks of warm, sweatshirt only weather, it is snowing in Chicago. What better time to rock some screwdrivers and catch up on the Runway?

HARDWARE CHALLENGE: Oh right. I remember watching this. Well, I remember this being on. I'd been at a happy hour that turned into an evening of tequila shots (you know how that happens). When I got home I sat in my chair, and that lady over there on the couch started giving me the downlow, since she'd watched it in real time. But then I got distracted by the fringey vest (which I'm fairly certain my parents made me wear as a youth in 1979) and a few pairs of inappropriately tailored shorts. Designers - dress thyselves. And maybe look in a mirror.

At some point that lady over there on the couch went into the kitchen to pour more balsamic in the bowl into which she was dipping her bread. "So do you actually like anyone this season?" she asked. As my chair is next to the kitchen, it was easy to turn my head from all the hammering to answer, "I like the guy who always wears the floppy hat. He seems nice and doesn't dress like a fool, aside from all the American Apparel deep v-necks."

Little did I know that I was about to bid farewell to Floppy. Because I drifted in and out of sleep during the episode, sitting fully upright in my chair, to catch glimpses of copper bodices, trashbag pants and an unfortunate washer bikini that actually deserved to go home before Floppy. So even though I didn't get the full effect of the disasters that ensued, I feel that I was drunk enough to adequately judge. I'll miss you Floppy. As such, let's move on.

SIDEBAR #1: "I love that guy. I mean, he's so annoying, but I love listening to his voice. He's like Blanche DuBois." - That Lady Over There On the Couch; "I think he's more like Suzanne Sugarbaker. And not in a good way." - Me.

EARTH, WIND & FIRE CHALLENGE: Let's start the episode with a performance that is as scripted and as wooden as the commercial episode of America's Next Top Model. Thanks, Philip Carreon. I've really found my inspiration in the natural world.

Now, while the designers are sketching or shopping or something, let's talk. (Wait, are you really being inspired by a shark? Do you really...oh, never mind.) I don't think I realized before now that the women are all fairly normal and don't dress like costume designers. Whereas all of the men (excepting NeckStars and Suzanne Sugarbaker, who have their own signature looks that have not yet annoyed me) dress like gay hobos from Cleveland (apologies to Cleveland - to be fair, I've never been to Cleveland - I'm sure it's very nice). I will say right now that I am putting my foot down. NO MORE CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS. Seriously, Igor, you're on national TV. Put on some normal pants (or if you must, at least shorts with a hem) and maybe something with SLEEVES. Sweater set? I'm talking to you too. Just because you roll them up, that doesn't make it ok. And if I see you flopping around in those dirty white flops for one more week...I'm going to visibly cringe. Everyone else? Stop with the tapered pants/shorts/douchescarves. I. JUST. CANNOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.

SIDEBAR #2: "I want her to to look like she's enveloped in laughter." What? What the hell does that mean? God, there is not enough vodka in the world for this.

God. Please stop saying "laughter." Do you realize every time you spout that idiocy I have to take a drink and close my eyes to contain myself. Although I can't give you laughter, I would like to show you what it looks like to be enveloped in anger and thirst. (You know, I would like to, but the time spent looking for my camera would be more productive spent mixing a bloody mary.)

Oh Tim. Leave it to you to make everything better for me. "You look like you're in the middle of a Make It Work moment." Tim, combined with the sweet nectar that is Belvedere has made it possible for me to stomach this runway show.

Wow, that's a lot of grey. But Heidi made it worth it with her "your shark teeth came back to bite you" line. And with her "Amy...you're in." Because that's the way this episode needed to end.

LAUGHTER COUNT: 7 (that's too many for one 40 minute episode)

SIDEBAR #3: And because my Tivo cut off most of the preview for next week, I'm going to imagine what I hope will happen. Let's start with Heidi telling the designers that Tim is going to meet them in the Designer's Lounge. And then Tim sits them down and says "OK designers, we're going to go out into the city. But first we're going to shake things up. Behind me you'll see a number of bags from the Gap. It is my pleasure to tell you that all of the men are going to change out of their skinny jeans and put on something normal. Because we can't have you swanning around in public in what you're wearing now. And then we'll go to Mood!"

That would be great.

NEIGHBORHOOD TEAM CHALLENGE: Damn it NeckStar, I gave you a bye last week. And then you had to go and ruin it with the pink skinny. Way to dash my dreams about how this episode would go. Time for a refill.

The one saving grace of these team episodes is the drama. There's more fighting than a hockey game. Sadly, there are also more flip flops than a hockey game. Personally, I'd rather be at a hockey game right now.

You know what else you don't see at a hockey game? Jodhpurs. But somehow we apparently need to see them every season. Poor Tim tries to help, this year even going so far as to say "Are Nina and Heidi going to ask what woman wants to be wider there?" Designers. Listen to Tim. He always knows what's right.

I love Molly Sims. She's a terrible actress, but I totally believe that she will show up in US Weekly wearing that hat. And the lines? "That tank...no." "It looked like Lower East Side." Beautiful.

I'm wondering if the men on this show choose unflattering clothes for themselves (Suzanne Sugarbaker - I'm talking to you about that cardigan - and those pink shorts that Jonathan is rocking? Not good news.) because they are so focused on how clothes look on women. Or else they just have bad taste. Hard to call.

Top 2 groups? Yeah. Good stuff. That lady over there on the couch says she would wear any of those things. Also? It's after noon, so she has switched to whiskey. She knows how to do things right.

Bottom 2 groups? We like the Upper East Side looks, with the exception of the darkened nipples on the evening look. But they are easily better than that tank top. Are you kidding? Are we expected to believe that you were going for asymmetry? I could sew better than that. Even after a morning of drinking.

SIDEBAR #4: Does anyone else think Heidi looks really weird on the cover of Marie Claire?

The Verdict: The two winners totally deserved it. But Flops should have been given the boot over Amy. Or both of them should have gone. I will be damned if Flops makes it to the top 3.

NEXT WEEK: Emilio doesn't ever listen to Tim? Great. See my advice above.

Have a great weekend kids. See you on Tuesday for Idol.