God forbid you don't get your dramatic down the stairs entrance, Seacrest. And while he's douching it up with Usher in the audience (This isn't your radio show, Seacrest, and why the sunglasses? No.), I'm sitting here with that (new) lady over there on the couch, and we're discussing tomorrow night's guests. I'm sorry, "guests." Because I refuse to acknowledge that I'm actually going to have to listen to Justin Bieber sing. To which TNLOTOTC replied, "15? He should be riding his bike or something." Yes, TNLOTOTC, you're very wise.
But let's not put the cart before the horse (or in this case, the beer before the liquor). How about some judgment about tonight's performances?
Big Love Screamy ("Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan) - TNLOTOTC is proving to be a formidable Idol viewing companion. At that moment when Screamy hit that really really bad note (you know what I'm talking about) she cringed. Visibly. And then when the screaming started she said "I think that's her thing. Suck it up for a while and then start screaming and think that it's OK." True. The lower register is roooouuuuugh. But look at how the judges (except for Simon) refuse to just say that she sucks. Because it's true. She sucks. Take that, people.
SIDEBAR #1: Also, TNLOTOTC it able to follow right in the footsteps of That Original Lady Over There On the Couch. When I asked if we were almost done with the crappy wine we started with while waiting for the white to chill in the freezer, she replied, "Ugh. I'm ready for the good stuff," and drained her glass.
SIDEBAR #2: Why are we seeing so much backstage tonight? And how sad is that craft services table?
The Shirtless Wonder ("Hold On, I'm Coming" by Sam and Dave) - Never before performed on the Idol stage? Awesome. Maybe that should be a new rule - once a song is performed, it should be retired for future seasons. (To be fair - Slezak suggested that in his EW column this week. I don't actually know where that article is on the interweb, so why don't you just follow him on the twitter? You can follow me by clicking the link over there on the right.) And way to negate the performance, Seacrest (and to unnecessarily talk trash about Kara - she's starting to show some judging chops) - this was a good week for TSW. Probably his strongest yet. The blues growl fits nicely into your voice, chief - infuse that into future theme weeks and you'll be in the top 6 faster than you can say "Ace Young."
SIDEBAR #3: TNLOTOTC apparently needs assistance with the next bottle of wine. Be back in a few.
Big Poppa ("Ready For Love" by India.Arie) - Yeeeeeeesssssssss. This is the best song. (Is anyone else still angry that India lost the grammy to stupid Alicia Keys?) I wasn't on team Poppa until this moment - but now I am. Because this rules. Understated, yet emotional. Small, yet big in the right places. And the acoustic was a nice (and skillful) touch. The Dawg is right, Poppa is in the zone. (Props to Ellen for the look on her face while the Dawg was talking. Shame on Kara for not knowing the magic of India.) Artistry, bitches. Artistry.
SIDEBAR #4: We just cheers-ed to Simply. It's almost spring.
SIDEBAR #5: Seriously, with the backstage interviews? Stoppit.
Crazy Cat Lady ("What Becomes Of the Broken Hearted" by Jimmy Ruffiin) - CCL is an interesting beast. Unlike most contestants, she starts out awesomely on the verse with her low tones and the subtlety required to begin a song that is ultimately going to go somewhere...but it never really goes anywhere. And I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing - because everyone else brings out the money notes at the end and makes people forget the beginning of the song. You know what would have made this work? You've got the Marlene Dietrich hair, the long dress...this should have been slowed way down. Or at the very least, we should have had some time to fermata on the first high note (and even more on the second one).
SIDEBAR #6: Interesting. I was on CCL's side while Seacrest was pushing for gossip, but then TNLOTOTC noted that unless CCL was willing to share things with her (like why she was so emotional), she didn't actually care about her and was less willing to vote for her. Hmmm.
Teflon Fauxfron ("Sweet Love" by Anita Baker) - OK Fauxfron, I'm going to ignore the feigned earnestness (TNLOTOTC asserts that this performance isn't hurting her, but is doing nothing for her) and give some actual musical criticism. The few low notes were heard were great. So let's ignore the stupid need that everyone has to sing high, and transpose the song down about a 4th. The whole first half of the song could have been in your wheelhouse. Let's talk about being young and current (ok, Kara) why do so many singers think that means you need to be a tenor? Sure, I'm biased - I don't care to sing any higher than middle C. But when you've got bass notes, you should SING THEM. There need to be more bass songs than Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm. I will buy your damn CD, Abs, if you just sing where you're meant to sing.
SIDEBAR #7: Thanks, Ellen. Our glasses are empty now.
SIDEBAR #8: And apparently so is this bottle. Damn it. We've put a new bottle of Vinho Verde in the freezer, but it's going to be touch and go for a while.
SIDEBAR #9: Seacrest, just stop. Stop.
Gangsta Gokey ("Forever" by Chris Brown) - Sure, props for a current song. And MAJOR PROPS FOR THE CAJON ON STAGE LEFT. Yeah. I know what a cajon is - I have two in my front room right now. (But put a damn mic on him, producers.) This performance was finally a return to what Gangsta does best - turning dancey songs into acoustic wonder. Ellen's right - competing with that other song hasn't worked so far - until now. I will vote for your cajon. Keep it up, player. You're just making room for Rory to go home this week. Thanks for that.
Dakota Waldorf-Gilmore ("Chain of Fools" by Aretha Franklin) "Nice to see you again?" Is Usher talking about when they all met as a group, or does Dakota have previous relations? That's what the people want to know. The people do not want to hear someone that is not McPheever sing this song (although to my knowledge, McPheever has never sung this song, but I don't care - it's made for her voice). Sure, the voice is fine...but no one is voting for her. Go home, Dakota.
SIDEBAR #10: Oh apparently Big Poppa doesn't wear sleeves.
SIDEBAR #11: Damn it. I'm so tired of the people on these shows stealing my thunder. (I'm talking to you, Kors.)
My Favorite Pen ("Treat Her Like a Lady" by The Cornelius Brothers) - Dude, listen to Usher. Believe it. Do you hear how the audience starts clapping within three beats of the first measure? I will buy your damn cds. This performance ruled. RULED. The judges are right. Best performance of the night - maybe of the season. Musicality, artistry, personality, awesomeness. Bring it. Bring it home. And keep putting your pick in your mouth, you can make a mint off that on e-bay.
SIDEBAR #12: I just bought 11 songs on the I-Tunes. Five of them are from My Favorite Pen.
Ginger Vitis ("Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips) - Let's talk, Ginger. As one who just had to perform songs that he wasn't entirely comfortable with on the piano, I can tell you - no one in the audience knows when you're doing something wrong except you. If you make a mistake, just call it jazz. So don't freak out - you'll do just fine. That said: keep playing. Don't get up and show us your shoulder pads and ankle tights and stilettos. Own the piano for the whole performance and don't freak out that people aren't seeing you face front.
SIDEBAR #13: Wait, is Mini Situation taking the clean-up position? Wow.
SIDEBAR #14: OK, children, here's some good advice. When you're drinking during Idol, open all of your wine when you're sober. Because sometimes there can be incidents at the end of the night. The Thirsty Critic is now bleeding because he did not show this forethought. Learn from my mistakes. Wine openers are dangerous.
Mini Situation ("Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers) - The performance hasn't even started, and already I'm trepidacious. Remember MMM less than a season ago? That performance was magic = and he was playing the piano. All you've got going for you is teen angst and a strange leather hoodie, which I can't totally get behind. And my hand is bleeding here - couldn't you have given me a better reason to stay here and not head out to the emergency room? Why are you keeping me from the necessary stitches with your passable-at-best-performance?
SIDEBAR #15: Although I like cupcakes, I appreciate how Ellen mentions every week how old (young) Mini is.
SIDEBAR #16: I'm hoping enough people have forgotten about Big Love to put her in the Bottom 3. It won't happen, but a guy can dream. Plus, I'm feeling light headed from all the bleeding. And the wine.
Top 3: My Favorite Pen, Big Poppa & Shirtless Wonder
Bottom 3: Dakota, Fauxfron & Crazy Cat Lady
SHOULD GO: Big Love Screamy
WILL GO: Dakota
Tomorrow Night: Ugh. Bieber. I'd better stock up - my bar is looking a little sparse.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
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LMFAO. You rule, Mick. Cheers!
ReplyDelete-Jamie in KC