By now, we all knew that Miley was this week's "mentor." (Way to keep secrets, FOX.) And we know within the first ten minutes of talking to her that she's going to call everyone "amazing." God, I'm thirsty already.
My Favorite Pen ("The Letter" by The Boxtops) - Ugh. Dude, I think you're awesome, but this song is tired. If it's used in Hollywood week, it shouldn't be used when you're on the big stage (with exception for Kimberley Locke and Band of Gold). Love the band and the onstage backup and the rocking and the singing and the performance...but this song choice is lame.
YNKL ("Against All Odds" by Phil Collins) - You all know how much I hate Phil Collins. A lot. I also performances where 94% of the notes are poorly sung. I powered through this whole song thinking there might be a moment when it would get better. But it didn't. Wow. Yo. Woah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yo. That's all I've got.
SIDEBAR #1 - Man, I appear to have it bad for some K.Locke. Interesting.
Abs Fauxfron ("Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen) - Sure. If you're going to Get Your Head in the Game all the way down to the audience, you're going to get some votes. One thing I'll say for Abs - he's getting better every week. But when you start at such a low bar, "even better" still isn't good enough. (P.S. I used my HSM reference long before the judges critique.)
Mini Situation ("I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith) - Of course you love Miley. You're twelve. (Thanks Ellen, for the validation.) If I don't focus on the creepiness of you singing these lyrics, I'll give you props for some handy mic work. And yeah, most of the singing was good, sick or no. But you know what I'm taking away from this? Seacrest's Archtastic comparison. Bad form, Seacrest.
SIDEBAR #2 - OK, who got everyone sick? I blame a bitter SYTYCD.
Ginger Vitis ("Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin) - "Powerful and beautiful women" and "Miley Cyrus" do not belong in the same sentence, Ginger. Nor does her signature belong on your guitar. But you look great. And sound great. I'm even going to go out on a limb and say this version is better than the Jennifer Love Hewitt (Pink?) version I already own (shut up). And obviously I'm going to support any song with a key change. As long as the judges don't Mindy Doo you right into third place, you'll be ok.
SIDEBAR #3 - It's a testament to Ginger's talent that I can even tolerate her after spending two hours surrounded by hippies from the Old Town School of Folk Music. Don't worry. There were also two bottles of wine.
Big Poppa ("When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge) - Yo, check it out baby. It's all very Reuben 2.0, but I like Reuben. And the last night was unconventional and sweet. Safe, boring, loungey, sure. But in comparison to some earlier disasters, this is awesome.
Gangsta Gokey ("I Heard It Through The Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye) - Wow. My eighth grade choir did this song, while strutting across the stage wearing sunglasses. I would gladly watch that video if it mean that I didn't have to watch this ever again. Dude, even Miley can't be bothered to enjoy this performance. Come on. Go home.
Rory Waldorf ("Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie) - I don't think you're allowed to sing this song until we can believe that you don't cry when you miss your blanket. Because I don't.
SIDEBAR #4 - Yeah, Miley was probably helpful for Rory. Blind leading the blind and all that.
The Shirtless Wonder ("Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News) - Awesome song (shut up judges). And TSW sounds shockingly like Huey. I'll take it. One thing - starting the song in one place and then moving to the mic is not what the judges meant last week when they told you to move around. Oh wait. you did it at the end too. Never mind - that's probably enough.
SIDEBAR #5 - Like Miley has even heard of Huey Lewis.
Crazy Cat Lady ("You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt) - This performance was like a weird cross between Taylor Swift (pitchy and blond) and Haley Scarnato (potentially crazy). And not in a good way. (Actually, is there a good way to do that?) Yes, I love the voice. There's something awesome about it. But this wasn't the song to make it rock.
Big Love ("Superstition" by Stevie Wonder) - Nope. I still don't get what all the fuss is for. So you can sing high. Whatev. Plus the skinny jeans and the Nadia Turner fauxhawk? No. I'm done with you.
And apparently I'm done with this episode. Thank god. Because there was some poorness going on. And am I really going to have to listen to Miley tomorrow night? Ugh. There is not enough wine in the world.
BOTTOM THREE: YNKL, Abs Fauxfron, Rory Waldorf
SHOULD GO: YNKL or Gangsta Gokey
WILL GO: YNKL
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
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