Project Runway: Throw One Back For Suzanne

Oh good. Replay the teaser of Emilio and his big head. This means that I'm going to start this episode the same way I ended last week. Drunk and angry. Although the drunk is likely due to the fact that the happy hour margaritas were nice and strong. Luckily my anger quickly dissipates with the adorableness of Vivienne and the awesomeness of this challenge (HP commercial excepted). It's making the graphic design geek in me want to toast. So let's break out the Cava.

IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD? Everything that comes out of your mouth makes me cringe. Why are you such a douche? Sure. Put your initials all over your fabric. Say the word "viscera" over and over. Talk about your rights as a designer. And don't FREAKING LISTEN TO TIM GUNN. Oh well. No one can read your stupid name/heart fabric. Emilio Sosa hearts Seth Aaron. Hahahahahahaha. Ha. (No, I don't care that the judges love it or that you're the winner of the challenge. You're a jerk.)

NECKSTAR: I don't get it, but then I never get Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain's designs. As long as he's not a jerk like Big Head or Jeffrey from Season 3, then I'm ok with him winning. Or whatever.

SIDEBAR #1: The Cava is working out quite nicely.

FLOPS McCUTOFF: Well, I could harp on your green pants (a gay Christmas ornament - ha! Thanks, Suzanne). But I like your fabric enough to give you a bye this week. You're welcome. (Plus, you're smack in the middle of the pack. What am I supposed to do with that?)

BANGS SR: You know what would have been cool? Fabric that looks like drips of paint. You know what your fabric looks like? The serape that Frank painted on the ceiling of that one kitchen on Trading Spaces back in 2002. (Did I? Did I just call back to 2002 in a moment that doesn't involve Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. I did. Bring it.) One thing I will say: your dress moved like it was covered in drips of paint. Don't blame your model for the fact that it doesn't flow at all.

SIDEBAR #2: Do you know how hard it is to find a link from 2002? Not easy. But here's a shot from that kitchen, for anyone who's interested.

SIDEBAR #3: Damn it, Michael Kors. I looked up serape and found that stupid link way before the runway and your critique. Way to steal my thunder.

BANGS JR: Come on Bangs. Your fabric rules. Now just don't ruin it with an overpowering collar and a Nadia Turner fauxha...oh. Never mind. Carry on. It's definitely electric. Boogie woogie woogie.

SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: OK Suzanne. You've won me over. I don't care what your fashion is for the rest of the season. I just need you to stick around and talk about Beyonce and Oprah and your dirty uncle Leroy as long as possible. Don't let me down.

SIDEBAR #4: I initially thought Heidi had gotten a haircut. But then she comes out on the runway with her normal/awesome long hair. How does she do that? I am weekly convinced that Heidi is magic.

SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Are you going to make every dress match your pale Taylor Swift wannabe's skin? And what's with the straightjacket (attributed fully to Kors)? You've pushed Nina beyond upsetting. The emotion that we all feel about your dress isn't sadness. It's laughter. And isn't that what you've been going for all along?

WINNER: Bleh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ugh. Way to let me down just when you'd made me like you. I'm not going to remember you as that funny designer from the south. I'm going to remember you as the guy in the Members Only jacket who couldn't live up to my expectations.

NEXT WEEK: A bitchy celebrity. Awesome. Please make Big Head talk back to her. And please make her put him in his place.

Please.