The Voice: In Which We Go Back to the Future

Sometimes circumstances prevent one from watching one's preferred television shows in a timely fashion. Sometimes through the magic of TiVo (or Brandi and Eric's choppy satellite) we end up watching things before they're meant to be watched. These are decisions we make in the name of wine. Because there was wine at Brandi and Eric's, but there was no wine at my house.

Don't worry, I'm going shopping today.

FIRST ROUND OF SAVES: So...this means that the person who's saved from each team is in first place in America's minds, right? My biggest fear has been a Raelynn march to the finish, so this outcome makes me terribly happy. And I like that dude from Kansas, so we're starting off on the right foot.

THE WANTED: I have no idea what they're singing, but damn it's catchy. And I'm glad that floppy haired dude finally has more than four words to sing in the song.

BIEBER: Sigh. This kid isn't going away, is he? Stop trying to out-Timberlake Justin. Also, you can't really talk that low, so quit pretending that the producer didn't shift it down an octave.

CHRISTINA'S ELIMINATION: What? What just happened here? Let's backtrack:

1. Decent performance of a mediocre Lady Gaga song. I'll only give it a "decent" because of all the breathlessness. But this is the first time we've really seen the "rocking" that they've been promising us. And it wasn't bad.

2. Terrible and creepy performance of a really bad Kevin Rudolph song. What was that? WHY DOES CHRISTINA SEEM TO LIKE THIS?

SIDEBAR: Thank you to Levine for shushing the audience. And to Blake for ignoring them. If only Christina could take a lesson.

BACK TO CHRISTINA'S ELIMINATION: This was a huge mistake. Huge. Christina left herself with the opera guy and a weird Katy Perry/Kristin Stewart mishmash to take her to the semifinals? Dumb.

BLAKE'S ELIMINATION: Please please please please let it be RaeLynn that goes home. Please? Let's backtrack again:

1. Old Fashioned Performance of a Tina Turner Song: Sure. Whatever.

2. Terrible Performance of a Terrible Song Both of Which Make Me Want to Cover My Head With a Pillow: I...I can't...No, I can't even say anything.

BACK TO BLAKE'S ELIMINATION: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Special props to Eric for calling this elimination early in the night.

* * * * * * * *
OK, now let's travel back in time even further to the performance show from Monday night...

RaeLynn: Who cares?! She's gone!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ha!

Yes, I probably said "ha" one too many times. But I don't care. We're free! I can just fast forward through the whole thing! Hahahahahahahaha!

Sorry.

Jesse (Halo) - I'm a little sad to know this is goodbye. This is a pretty good performance. And I like that hat. Oh but hold on...are those pictures of his stupid daughter? No. Do not bring a moppet into the ring. That's just fighting dirty. Also, telling the people of the world that they have a halo? I don't think so. You lost me. Sorry.

Jordis (Stronger) - Wow, there are a lot of songs named "Stronger" aren't there? Not the point, since this clearly is not rocking enough for Blake. But I'll point out that YOU'RE HER COACH, DUMBASS. WHY DID THIS SNOOZEFEST MAKE IT TO THE STAGE?

To be fair, I fast fowarded through the coaching session, because I get bored. So technically, Blake could have been totally against this song, but I don't buy it. I say jerk.

TEAM CHRISTINA: I wish there could have been more Hillbilly Bone. Because I can't stand Blake singing it. What I DO like? The Hunger Games platforms in which we see the first two members of Team Christina. Also, gospel choir. But why are we trotting out such an old song, Xtina? And that belted swimsuit look that did you no favors in the tabloids last season?

Ashley (Foolish Games) - When I went to the Jewel concert with @moodylicious in college, there were these girls behind us who kept singing "Sing Foolish Games! Sing Foolish Games!" Like Jewel might forget to include it in the set. So even though this was actually a good performance (after that weak opening), all I can hear is "Sing Foolish Games! Sing Foolish Games!" Sorry to see you go, Ashley. I bought your song on iTunes. Too little, too late.

SIDEBAR: Yes, Adam. CeeLo's eloquent critique "You started low, and then you went high" was worth calling out. Thank you.

So now we've seen everyone that goes home in the Future. Or the Past. This is like a weird Christmas Carol.

MAROON 5 (Payphone) - Yeah, I like this song. And I like how Adam sounds just as good live as he does on the radio. I bet they put on a good concert. One complaint. When I buy something on iTunes, I want it to be the same as what I hear in the first place. So this "featuring Wiz Khalifa" stuff is not OK with me. Because I swear he's not on the radio. Although I enjoy Pitbull, I wanted the radio version of J.Lo's "On the Floor" too, and it was not easy to find. Can't we have both versions?

Erin (Set Fire to the Rain): Why do all the bigger girls keep singing Adele? And why are they so mad? What this comes down to is the fact that Blake just has a bad team. Because this girl isn't going to be a star. I hope he's kicking himself right now for not keeping some of those earlier contestants.

Lindsay (Part of Me) - Even though I know the future already, I wish my time in the past would allow me to alter what's going to happen. I wish I could somehow not know that this performance of a song that I really enjoy even exists. WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD?

TEAM BLAKE: It would have been nice to throw together some sort of arrangement of "Beautiful" or "Genie in a Bottle" while you were backstage. Missed opportunity. Also, it was a missed opportunity to not just have Raelynn sing along with everyone else, rather than giving her any solos. Because when everyone else is singing, I don't hate her as much. And why is Blake so lazy? He's not doing anything. Boo.

SIDEBAR: Why? Why did you send home Jordis? Why?

Jermaine (Against All Odds) - I hate this song. But good performance. You're Blake's only chance to win, so don't ruin it.

Chris (Viva La Vida) - I know Levine doesn't love the pop version of Chris, but I think he might be the only artist on the show who could have sung this song. Remember when Matt Giraud attempted this on Idol? Not pretty. Even less pretty? Last season's trio of McCreery, Durbin and Abrams. This is a big song, and it needed a big voice. Well played, XTina. Well played.

CHRISTINA'S ELIMINATION: Dumb. But apparently Jesse doesn't take Christina's advice very well. Don't argue with Christina or you're going home.

BLAKE'S ELIMINATION: Even dumber. Seriously. Blaming it on America from TWO WEEKS AGO? Stupid. So so stupid.

SIDEBAR: Not letting Raelynn in on the hug? Hilarious.

Jordis, don't lie. You don't understand. None of us do. That was pathetic.

And that's how we're ending our trip to the past. Or the future. What?

Oh never mind.