Idol Top 8: God, I'm Old

After last night's extended session of martinis and madness, I decided to take a nap after work. So I was nice and refreshed when I woke up for Idol. I kind of wish I'd stayed asleep, though. Because in addition to making me say "Ugh" each time they announced their birthday, each contestant managed to bore me to tears.

Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "Stand by Me" by Mickey Gilley: About midway through this song I decided that I was bored enough to go to the kitchen and start making dinner. You hear that, Gokey? You've become background noise. Stop trying to inspire me and go back to the PYT vibe.

MatthewsMayerMraz - "All She Wants to Do is Dance" by Don Henley: I'm of the opinion that the producers hate MMM. Why else would they put him on the stupid "middle of the audience" pedestal? He looks like a munchkin amid a field of swaying flowers. Or poppies. Maybe that's why I'm falling asleep again. (Yeah, I just referenced The Wizard of Oz. Deal with it.) This is the first week in a while that I'm not shelling out 99 cents on the I-Tunes - yawn.

Low Expectations - "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner: Screw listening to the judges. Why haven't you listened to me for the last 5 weeks? You've been singing karaoke this whole time and I'm glad you finally got called on it. If you don't wind up in the bottom three I will...well, I'll do something bold and unexpected. You know - kind of like you haven't been doing this whole time.

Slumdog Fratboy - "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper: I'm sorry. I don't like this song. I never have. It remind me of those old Kodak commercials. And if that dates me, so be it. Because guess what? I wasn't born in the mid to late 80's (or 90's - god.) so I'm not hearing these songs for the first time. I will give Slumdog some props for making his frat boy friends stay at home. Now the only thing making him look like a loser is that green cardigan.

Napoleon Blind-O-Mite - "The Search is Over" by Survivor: I'm starting to feel bad for making fun of the blind kid. Can we just let him go home and stop this madness? This was bad. Seriously. Let him go, people.

Charo - "I Can’t Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt: I am now a fan. Maybe not a fan that would buy her cd, but in this season of severe mediocre-ness, her manic panic is actually a bright spot. But why does Randy refuse to say Kelly's name? Is he worried that a direct comparison will create an Alexis Grace moment again? (SIDEBAR: I'm ok with the Bonnie and George Michael versions of this song, but what I really enjoy is Megan Mullally's Connie Raitt version on SNL - if anyone can find it on the internet somewhere I'll be eternally grateful.)

Dueling Bubbles - "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder: During this whole performance I was trying to figure out what was really making it work. And then it hit me: the fedora covers up the mole. If there was ever a reason to rock a hat, this is it. Because as one of my friends pointed out last week - the mole makes him look like a unicorn. Which means his choices are to 1) wear hat and cover up or 2) wear pink glitter and hope that the Rainbow Archuletta Coalition will be powerless against mythical creatures.

OBSERVATION: Why hasn't someone yelled at the "director" yet? Seven minutes over time is excessive. And I swear if this dude's lack of skills means that my Fringe recording cuts off before the closing credits, I am going to hold Donnie personally responsible.

Donnie Darko - "Mad World" by Tears for Fears: Sigh. Yes, most of this song sounds good. Yes, the downlight worked for Bo way back in Season 4 (and again for this douche a few weeks ago - is the light designer asleep at the wheel?). But you know what? I'm so over the hype that nothing you do is going to make me like you. Your high notes make me want to peel the skin from my arms. And your fringey scarf? Just reminds me that I'm missing Fringe. Jerk.

SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Napoleon

Tomorrow night: Flo-rida and Kellie Pickler. Wasn't this supposed to be a showcase for past winners? Is Pickler really the best you can get this week? I seriously doubt Taylor Hicks is unavailable. (Watch next week's guest be Bucky Covington or Crappy Lee Suck. Perhaps in a moving duet about living in a trailer park.) We still need performances from Carrie, Fantasia (yee!) and Jordin before we start scraping the bottom of the barrel.