Idol Top 9 Results: In Which I Ponder Zippers As Accessories

Oh children. What is happening with the world? Two glasses of wine and I passed out at 10:30. If it weren't for Jenni's assist yesterday, I never would have made it. I think we can blame the contact high from standing too close to my TV when Tropical Barbie (also dubbed Puff Puff Pass by some of my more astute co-critics) was singing.

GROUP SONG: While this wasn't a complete train wreck like last week, it only made me want to see Glee even more. Did you catch the preview during the performance episode? I'd pay money for that recording of Don't Stop Believing.

JUDGMENT: You can tell I was tired - the only thought I could muster up was that Tender Puppy should have saved his "Please Don't Stop the Music" t-shirt until he is in the Top 4 and in danger of being Daughtry-ed out of the finals without the safety net of the judges' save.

CAMEOS: What? What the hell was that? You just know that Tropical Stoner Barbie was thinking "I sound just like her! Slap a zipper on my eye and we can have the same career!" If I could have voted out Lady Gaga, I would have. I do like the see-through piano though - I'll give her that.

Cookie's pre-taped performance seemed a little sleepy. But knowing that he's canceled some concerts due to family issues makes me wonder if he was worried about his brother or something and not seeing him in the audience with his mom made him extra sad. I'll give him a pass. After all - I contributed to the platinumifcation of his album. And part of me enjoys when people who are emotional well up all the time - but not in a creepy Bachelor way.

RESULTS: Way to get it right, America. I would have been happy with either one of the bottom two going. (Why was Slumdog's fratdouche friend wearing a bowtie tonight? Lame.) But the caw-ing and the apathy and the crazy eyes made me glad that it was Barbie's time.

NEXT WEEK: Songs From the Year They Were Born is just a fancy way of saying 80's night. And it's also a convenient way for the producers to make me feel old. Jerks.