Idol Top 7 Part II Results: In Which I Wonder If This Show Shouldn't Be Called American Stubble

The good thing about a results episode is that I can fast forward through half of it and then go to bed. I just wish that this week's cameos hadn't given me nightmares. Then again, it could also be the half dozen buffalo wings I ate at midnight, but I'm more willing to blame it on disco.

GROUP SONG: Paula - 1, Regular step-touch choreographer - 0. Yeah yeah, they were lipsyncing (and who do we have to thank for the faux headset mics? Can we still blame Britney Spears?) but for non-dancers, this was pretty kick ass. If they'd been doing work like this all along, maybe they wouldn't be so out of breath when the song is over. And five minutes later.

JUDGMENT: Group song stylist: 0. Oh come on. Have we had costumes for anything else? Go back to your community theatre production of Hair.

Group song graphic artist: -579. Was it really necessary to throw words like "DANCE!" on the big screen? Although that concept isn't as bad as the flames that are the backdrop for any fire-themed song (e.g. Ring of Fire, Light My Fire) it was not good. And get ready, I'm about to yell. COMIC SANS DOES NOT DESERVE A PLACE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

CAMEOS: Oh disco people from yesteryear. Band of Gold is one of my favorite songs, but never have my hands jumped to the fast forward button faster. (I paused for a moment to watch Big Bird flap around on the stage, but that was mostly because I was hoping that Snuffleupagus would show up.) And what's with KC and the Step Touch Jersey Girls Band? Clearly the producers thought this was the 25th reunion for the Tea Neck High School Highwaymen - it would be a scream to get some of those girls up here to dance, wouldn't it? Rock!

Archtastic: Wow. That was not good, dawg. It was pitchy, all over the place. I mean, you got up there, you did your thing, you worked it out, but it wasn't good for me.

RESULTS: Good job, America.

NEXT WEEK: Rat Pack. Good for Dueling Timberlakes if he does what he's supposed to and stays behind the piano. Good for DWD too. Everyone else (well, maybe not Wicked - he can do no wrong) may hear a lot of "You know, that song didn't really need to be changed up - the original is so iconic." Then again, people actually voted for Taylor Hicks (next week's cameo), so perhaps America's view of an "icon" is slightly askew.