Idol Top 10: Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing

Ok kids, it's time to settle down with a nice glass of wine. And when I say "nice," I mean "cheap." And when I say "glass," I mean "bottle." Because if anything is going to drive me to drink, it's tonight's performance episode. Seriously.

Dueling Bubles - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye - I can't help it. I'm on Team Giraud. Dude has mad skills at the piano and he doesn't overdo the Timberlaking. Plus (with the exception of the adoucherements in his wildcard week), DB knows how to dress. Yeah, it was kind of a lackluster start to a lackluster night, but I'm still on board.

Tender Puppy - "How Sweet it Is" by Marvin Gaye - Why can't I hear your guitar when I can see that it's plugged in? Does the sound guy hate you? What's with your shirt? Are those the numbers from Lost? Have your sleeves and shirttail been taken over by the smoke monster? Who approved this look? But the real mystery here is when did Paula start to have actual musical knowledge? I checked - that rockin' high note was an A. Tell me that Paula doesn't have perfect pitch.

OBSERVATION #1: Why are the backup singers on stage? And why is Kimberley Locke one of them? Why haven't they been fired yet?

Napoleon Blind-O-Mite -"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes - I appreciate that the stylists decided to pay you back for not letting them touch your precious William Katt hair. What better way to get revenge on the blind kid than to give him pink pants and a barbershop quartet jacket and not tell him until right before he goes on? Classic. Although I tend to use Napoleon songs to go to the kitchen and refill my glass, I will point out that he did at least attempt to perform. It still wasn't good (and the vocals were baaaaaad - and Kara's the only one to call it out?) but at least he tried. Don't worry - any sympathy I might have drummed up for this douche went away as soon as he started proclaiming that he is a singer songwriter and will always sit behind the piano because that's just what he does. Shut up. No really - shut up.

Tropical Bjork Barbie - "For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder - I enjoyed this performance in the same way that I enjoy a sloe gin fizz. No one actually likes sloe gin, but it's so sweet and bubbly that you can't help but drink. TBB definitely went to the Haley Scarnato school of "If You Can't Sing, Look Hotter Than Everyone Else By Showing Lots of Skin." Well done, lady.

Slumdog Idol - "Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Why am I the only one that hears that Slumdog is flat FOR THE ENTIRE SONG? Come on, Paula. I've been counting on you for the musical wisdom tonight (you even used the word "rubato" - impressive) and now you're letting me down. The only thing that could have been worse would be if SI had foregone the letter jacket on gone full-on Members Only. (And by worse, I think I mean awesome.) I don't get what the big deal is about you, Slumdog. I really don't.

Roughneck - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations - You lost me with the flops while talking to Smokey. How many times do I have to tell fat guys to lose the flip flops? You need to wear substantial shoes. Especially when you are on national TV talking to a Motown legend. Shoes. SHOES. Oh right - the song. It's a shame he's still sick, because this could have been ok. One wonders if America is going to keep Roughnecking it up or if they'll finally realize he's no Josh Gracin. Which isn't really saying much.

OBSERVATION #2: I absolutely cannot wait for Glee to premiere. Anyone else?

Lot Disappointing - "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas - I bet LD is really good at karaoke. I also think Vonzell Solomon is good at karaoke, and I'm pretty sure she's returned to her life as a postal worker. Tamyra Gray hair isn't going to help you if you don't stop royally sucking.

OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else see Napoleon pointed toward the album covers on the wall when Lil was being all emotional in Detroit? I thought he couldn't see. What is he looking at?

WickedRaverSirianoIsaak - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson - I feel that WRSI really understood when Smokey was talking about seeing the tracks on someone's face. You could practically see him wishing that he'd kept his hands away from his acne when he was 12. And then the new look is unveiled (mostly because I didn't bother to pay attention to the opening). Nice hair. Somehow it makes me hate you a little bit less - but only a little. I still can't abide the falsetto on EVERY FREAKING NOTE. Yes, this performance has been the only of your that I have been able to tolerate. But toleration is not love (and the scarf that your boy is wearing in the audience? Boo.). Your white Bo Bice downlight and More Than Words arrangement is not enough to get me to like you. I do not want to buy your album. At all. Go away.

Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Get Ready" by The Temptations - Erin likened this performance to your drunk uncle at a wedding. But I, for one, would enjoy it if any of my uncles would get that drunk and be that entertaining. It's like being related to Tom Jones. Here's the thing: it may be all Taylor Hicks-ish in the movements (except not as floppy), but he's actually got the voice to back it up. I would buy this album. (You hear that Wicked? I would buy DWD's album. Not yours. Bleh.) One complaint - stop saying the word "git." Dr. Barton would be furious.

Charo - "Papa Was a Rollling Stone" by The Temptations - OK fine. You've learned how not to Glocksen. I'm not a total convert, but this was some good news. Maybe it was the talking mid-song. Maybe it was you forgetting the words and winking at the audience like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it was Kara giving you a full on lap dance after the applause died down. Whatever it is - you're the only girl that deserves to be here. So I hope you stick around.

OBSERVATION 4#: At first I thought Crayola would be happy for the product placement. But then Simon ruined it. How many kids are going to go draw on their parents' faces after they pass out on the couch tonight? Thank god I live alone.

I would love a shocking double elimination. I know it won't happen, but I can dream.

SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Roughneck and/or Barbie

COMING UP: Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson sing a medley. Ruben Studdard sings his new single "Together" and Stevie Wonder performs a Motown medley. (Why all the medleys? Just sing one song and get to the results.)