Idol Top 13: My Life Would Suck Without Kelly

As I was driving home at 12:15 last night, all I wanted to do was go to bed. But I perservered for you people - I wouldn't want anyone to go without their second weekly dose of vitriol. Sadly, I'm not that angry about last night - but don't worry - I can always summon up a little bit of angst when it counts.

GROUP SONG: This could have been a disaster - as soon as everyone jumped off the couch, I started to worry: Where's the chair for Napoleon to sit on? How is he going to dance? Is he just going to wander around like a lost puppy? Luckily, no one fell off the stage (a real concern with this group), but don't think I didn't notice Menudo singing a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG than everyone else. (How do I know this? Everyone else is sustaining a long note, and his mouth keeps moving - fast - what's Spanish for "watermelon"?)

Don't even get me started about the DWDowney Jr. dance break. I half expected everyone to gather around him in a circle chanting "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!" as if he were Tiffany and Teddy doing the humpty dance at homecoming (ah, high school in the 90's). However, what is acceptable (and awesome) when one is 17 and in a darkened cafeteria is not acceptable when one is 28 and on national television. Remember that, kids.

JUDGMENT: I can tell that Chuck Taylors are going to be the bane of my existence this season. Well, that and the ever-changing colors of DWD's glasses. Come on, dude. Come on.

CAMEOS: So I started to fast forward right after Kanye decided to bend down and blind me with the backlight. And then I pushed pause for a second. What is that in his back pocket? Is that a...towel? Is he planning on getting that sweaty during a three minute song? And why is he dressed like a reject from The Outsiders? Sorry, Ponyboy - I'm fast forwarding to the end.

Kelly, I love you. And while we're on the subject, let me take a moment to plug the new cd - especially tracks #2, #4, and #5. Anyone who wants to try and judge the original American Idol, go ahead. I'm not going to do it.

RESULTS: Yeah, that sounds about right. At least, it matched my prediction. Although this "Sing For Your Life" nonsense is just another cruel way to make mediocre singers think they have a second chance. Did HSM3 really think she was up to JHud standards? Is Menudo the Latin Daughtry? Oooh. Suspenseful. (As if the judges are really going to waste their ONE Get Out of Jail Free card on you two.)

NEXT WEEK: Will the producers decide there are just so many awesome MJ songs that they'll extend the category for another week a la BeatlesGate 2008? Will Lil Disappointing (thanks Jeremy) ever live up to the hype? Will Napoleon continue his (guided) Sanjaya march to the top 10? And how long before WickedRaVeRSiriano becomes a spokesperson for ProActive?