Idol Top 13: Burn This Disco Out

It was really hard to muster up the urge to watch tonight's Michael Jackson extravaganza. After all, I spent my entire ride home from work singing "I Do Not Hook Up" at the top of my lungs. That's right, I bought the new Kelly Clarkson cd this morning. Then again, last week I bought Phil Stacey and Ace Young cds for $2.50 each at Circuit City's clearance sale just to see how bad they could be. So I'm 1 for 3 on good Idol purchases for this season.

That's about the same percentage of songs I'll be buying from the I-Tunes tonight. Because a lot of people were much better than I expected, but when you get down to it, I just don't want to listen to their music. Starting with:

I KNOW SHE WENT FIRST AND TIVO CUT OFF THE RECAP, BUT DON'T FORGET SHE'S THE BEST SINGER EVER, SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER (The Way You Make Me Feel): Just to be clear, I'm not a huge fan. The various capital nicknames are all attributed to the producers' blatant pimping. But tonight IKSWFATCOTRBDFSTBSES really kind of faded into the background. Sure, when she was finished and a whole night of crap loomed in front of us, I figured the judges would be talking about her for the next two hours. And I bet she was counting on that too. But, oh guess what, IKSWF, everyone else didn't suck like you thought they would. So take your asymmetrical shirt from the Paula Abdul Steinmart collection and go listen to Mindy Doo's new album. Haven't heard it? Neither has anyone else. But that's what you're destined for: a number three finish. And PS, Memphis BBQ sucks.

Napolean Blond-O-Mite (Keep the Faith): OK, I'm the first to admit that my hair isn't looking stellar these days, but come on. Your excuse of not being able to see yourself in the mirror is gone. Can't the stylists do something about your Garfunkel madness? "But wait," you say, "it's a music competition, right?" All right then - you had a nice moment of falsetto, a decent modulation and I'm always a sucker for a good piano gliss. But your performance was so damn boring that I fell asleep and am chalking it all up to a bad dream. Stevie Wonder, you ain't.

Dead Wife Downey Jr. (PYT): Wow. I was really expecting a soulful "She's Out of My Life" or "The Lady In My Life" or "I Just Can't Stop Loving You." But this was a welcome surprise. And the winner of "The First Idol Single Micky Plans To Purchase" award. (I know, I still love Apost'ro'phe's Delilah, but it was a live version, so it's different.) There really wasn't a single part of this performance that I didn't like (and yes, that includes the dancing). Even your red Sally Jessy glasses worked with your red shirt. But then in the end, you had to ruin it by showing us that your sleeves were not only turned inside out, they're ripped at the wrists. I will allow THIS ONE SLIP UP, STYLISTS. Do you hear me? Don't do it again.

Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): Wow, it's pretty harsh to have to follow Downey. But at least your wife is still around. I'll pause to let everyone boo at my poor taste.

Ready now? Great, I'll start over.

Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): While this performance was all well and good, I decided it was more fun to count the number times the camera zoomed in on your daughter and her Vote For My Daddy t-shirt. Cute. But you know what would have helped? If you'd make sure the background of the shirt was an American flag. Give the people what they want. Because what they do not want is a Richard Marx wannabe. They want a country Roughneck. See: Josh Gracin.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: Oooh Simply Orange. That reminds me. I'm out of tequila. Back in a few.

HSM3 (I'll Be There): Not only did I know that Randy would namedrop Mariah, I knew this was not going to be good news. I told someone earlier today that you needed to bust out some La Toya London, but that I had a feeling you were really going to be more Lisa Tucker (if you can imagine a "wah-wahn" sound right now, that will help set the mood). And if I let my inner voice teacher step out for a second, the shape of your mouth should not change in the middle of the word "there." It's only one syllable. Good job, Mississippi.

WonderBread (Remember the Time): Wait, what? Wife? Somewhere Jim Verraros is kicking himself for not thinking of that charade. Whatever. Even with your floppy John Mayer antics, this was a pretty kick ass performance. Randy hit it on the head when he likened you to Jason Mraz. And what can I say? I like Jason Mraz. Keep it up, and I'll keep voting for you.

Charo (Give In To Me): You're 16? I had no idea. Thanks to the judges for reminding us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You know what? Tiffany got her start singing in shopping establishments as a teenager too. And look where she is now. It's up to you to decide if you want to go the "Celebrity Fit Club" route or the "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling " direction. Unless you decide to rock the full extent of your manic panic and show up on Sober House a la Nikki McKibbin. Yes, I'm being mean. And I don't care. Because I can only take so much blatant Gina Glocksen-ing before I want to rip my arm off and throw it at the tv.

Slumdog Idol (Beat It): It's not Top Energy, it's Top Chef. Oh, wait. My bad. But seriously, can you stop choosing songs just because you want to show everyone you have energy. We get it. Try choosing a song that shows everyone that you can sing. I want to like you, I really do. But your mediocre performances and that self-satisfied look at the end of your performance? Not good news. Not good news at all.

Menudo (Never Can Say Goodbye): Have I mentioned that Jackson 5 songs are a total cop-out? Lame. Way to sound like Marc Anthony. Or John Secada. Lame. Way to make every one of my notes end in the word "lame." And way to disappoint me by not having any patterns on the back of your jacket. I thought we were starting a new trend. Instead, we're just going to go with the Chuck Taylors, eh? And the Miami Vice sleeves? Lame.

BlondBjork (Rockin' Robin): Oh come on. I'm not even going to - well, at least you look hot.

WickedRaverSiriano (Black & White): Your voice is too high. It hurts my ears. Either that, or it's ALL THE SCREAMING. I don't know why everyone is so into you - I don't like your music. I wouldn't buy your cd. (And I buy EVERYTHING. Seriously, I even own a Fall Out Boy cd. And did you not read about the Phil Stacey/Ace Young debacle?) And I can't even bring myself to make fun of all the chains and the women's sweater and the fact that you look like a giant next to everyone else. And that's not a compliment.

Howl at the Moon (Human Nature): It's a shame that Napoleon can't see - this is how you perform while sitting at the piano. As I was looking on the I-Tunes to buy the single, I learned that HATM has two previously released cds. Anyone listen to them?

Jane Mancini (Dirty Diana): Um. When you look like you're 13, please don't wear that much bling. And remember to wear pants. And don't stomp around like a hooker waiting to get paid. I got Kara's "naughty" comment, but it was more "naughty" in the way that Dakota Fanning might act if she didn't get the cookies she wanted in her trailer. I can forgive the oversinging this week, and I've made my peace with the pink. But you slut it up on stage one more time? I'm done.

SHOULD GO: The Backup Singers (combined, still worse than any of the Top 13)
WILL GO: Menudo, HSM3 (or if America really wanted to make me happy) Napoleon