Idol Finale - Live!

I'm watching this on a bit of delay for several reasons - A) I was out shopping; B) I needed to order some dinner; and C) My wine wasn't chilled yet. But don't worry, I've poured myself a nice big glass - let the madness begin!

7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.

7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.

7:05 - Carrie!

7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.

7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?

7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.

7:08 - Carly!

7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.

Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.

I don't remember all of these people.

Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.

Wow - HSM3 still sucks.

I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?

7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --

Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.

I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.

7:19 - I need more wine.

7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.

7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.

7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.

7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.

7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.

7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.

7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.

7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.

7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.

Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.

7:41 - Justin. Woo.

7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.

I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.

This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".

7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.

I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.

7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.

7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.

8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.

I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.

8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.

This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.

I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.

8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?

Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."

8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.

8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.

8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.

I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.

Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.

8:28 - Camren Manheim again!

8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?

8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?

8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.

8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.

8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.

8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.

8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.

8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.

8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.

Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.

Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."

Kate Walsh!

Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?

8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.

8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!

8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.

8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?

8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?

9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.

9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.

9:02 - Woo! It worked!

9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.

9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?

9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.

-- REWIND --

OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"

9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)

9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.

9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?

9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?

9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.

9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.

Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.