Wow, nothing makes me feel quite as short and round as watching a bunch of dudes parading around with their shirts off. But then they start to bust out the flops and the stocking caps (It's summer. In LA. Come on.) and I start to direct my anger elsewhere.
One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
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