The Bachelorette: In Which I Simultaneously Loathe Myself For Watching and Love Tivo For Letting Me Watch a Day Late

Seriously, every time I hear the words "Previously on The Bachelorette" I die a little bit inside. Do you know how much quality television is saved on my Tivo? And yet, I choose to spend two hours with this drivel. But then Chris Harrison promises something shocking (all it takes is a montage of fun, followed by an ominous "Then...") and I'm hooked again. Damn you, Bachelorette. Damn you for making me care.

1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.

Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.

SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."

Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.

I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -

Stupid Knit Hat With Brim

and

Flannel Newsboy Cap.

Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.

Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.

SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."

SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.

2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.

Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.

Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.

Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.

The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.

SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.

Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.

NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.