The Bachelorette: In Which the Upcoming Scandal Makes Up For Last Week's Snoozefest, Which Took Me a Full Week To Get Through

It's true. Last week was so freaking boring that I sat down to watch it no fewer than seven times. And every time I FELL ASLEEP. Note to the producers: Jillian rolling around in the snow and saying "aboat" every ten seconds does not a good episode make.

But for some reason, train rides are infinitely more interesting.

SIDEBAR #1: Break Dance is wearing flops. It's Canada. Everyone is wearing coats. Put on some damn shoes. And don't make me tell you again. (Incidentally, in my world of tivo, this is occurring scant hours after your whole pink sweater rose ceremony disaster, so you really have some splainin' to do.)

1 On 1 with Robbie: Come on, man, did you not see where this was going? She's asking you if you have any kind of plan for your life. Now, I'm not judging - I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my own life - but I'm not trying to find love on national tv, and besides, this is about you, not me. Jillian even tried to give you an out with the whole "You should open a bartending school" thing, but you shot that idea down like it was a Canadian grouse. (I have no idea if such a thing exists, if it flies, or if it is ever shot down, but that sounded, good, eh?) Sorry man, an intense kiss on the set of Brokeback Bachelor four episodes ago is not going to get you a hometown visit.

That doesn't mean you deserve to be left on the side of a mountain. Harsh.

SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else think the train announcer sounds like William Shatner?

Impromptu with Thank God I'm a Country Boy: This dude is lame. He's totally that guy who waits until a girl breaks up with someone so he can swoop in with a shoulder to cry on. Jillian, why are you falling for this nonsense? He's not even that good of a singer!

Group Date: Snowshoeing? Hide and Seek? Really? We're really trying hard to find things to do in Canada, eh? I'm glad Jake found you. He's a good guy, even if he does use the word "cuddle" too much.

Oh Footsie. Why are you so creepy? In everything you do? It was definitely too soon to bust out the phrase "Jillian found out that I'm blessed." I haven't had nearly enough wine for this.

SIDEBAR #3 - If Break Dance does not stop talking soon, I am going to call my friends who live in Astoria and make sure his ass gets kicked.

1 On 1 with Reid: Man, I want to root for you, but you can't ask advice from the stewardess (what are they called on trains?); you were closer with the Wine Steward - and his wisdom was good. Or that could just be the two glasses I had to chug after Footsie's fireplace extravaganza.

What's wrong with fondue? And why are you so freaked out about washing fruit? I may catch some sort of disease, but I will at least enjoy my apple.

SIDEBAR: #4 - While we're not on the subject at all, Jillian's dress at last week's rose ceremony was smokin'. This week, not so much.

Pre Rose Ceremony Questions: He's not giving you any answers. He's just panting on you like an eager puppy. Please, please send him home.

Rose Ceremony: WineGuy's a no-brainer. But TGIACB is still in it? Oh come on. And KEEPING THE CHILD INSTEAD OF JAKE? Good god, Jillian, are you insane?

A direct quote from my last recap: "The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.

SIDEBAR #5 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives."

SIDEBAR #6 - Oh god, I love you even more. From the moment I saw the pilot's uniform walking down the hall, I knew that you were teasing me with more angst and drama, and that it would probably be nothing more than the brief snippet of confrontation that you showed us in the previews. But if Jake gets a chance to come back to the game? I would be really down for that. (After all, who doesn't love a judge's save once in a while?)

NEXT WEEK: Um. Awesome. Especially when the dad shows her the taped off hottub, followed closely by a sob story about a man who can't seal the deal on an overnight date. Oh Jillian, thank you for being so willing to jump in bed with everyone. I can't wait.