The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Fully Convinced That The Writers On This Show Would Actually Prefer To Be Working On The Hills

I got about five texts during this episode all saying "Jillian Is a Ho." Except with more creative (and probably wine-induced) spelling. But I got news for you kids - hot tub or not - this was nothing. Come on, even Jillian is going to keep things fairly chaste when someone's mom is watching from the kitchen window.

Because that's just what we need to make things even crazier. Moms burying doves in the backyard. (Yeah. I watched The Bachelor too. And apparently so does KPTN's dad.)

OK, let's get down to business.

LAMETOWN, USA

OK, Lametown, we get it. You're a nice guy. After all, no one else had a venti double caff mocha extra foam (I have no idea if that's even possible - my drinks don't come in in a paper cup, if you know what I mean) all ready when JHo stepped out of the car. Good for you. But let's be honest - the aforementioned writers just put this into the script so you would have something to do when conversation screeched to a halt. Which it did in approximately 23.5 seconds. Quick! Cut to coffee!

SIDEBAR #1 - Lametown with glasses is way better than without. That chick on the train is crazy.

Sadly, the cup is empty sooner rather than later, and we have to head out to...condos that Lametown is selling? Have I stumbled into an episode of Property Virgins? Yes, the rooftop terrace is nice (and comes equipped with champagne!) but I'm concerned that it's a little far from public transit and the layout of the kitchen is just weird. I think we need to see another place before I make any offers.

Sorry. I got confused.

If there was any doubt that Lametown is a total wet blanket, his entire family pretty much tells JHo that he doesn't make any decisions on his own. But he's so nice! When he was 18, he opened doors for potential homebuyers! And their children! Don't forget how nice! And look! A surprise 30th birthday party! Completely impromptu! Because he's so nice! Nice!

Settle down, Mama Lametown. We get it.

BREAKDANCE

OK, Floppy. A few things. 1. Tuck in the back of your shirt. 2. Stop jumping up and down like a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. 3. You had stubble? Really? I don't think so.

Need we remind you? HE'S 25. And HE TEACHES BREAKDANCING FOR A LIVING. (For the rest of my life I will roll my eyes whenever I hear the phrase "break dance instructor." But I digress.)

But seriously. Does anyone see any hint of romantic chemistry here? It's like watching someone visit their next door neighbor. Or their next door neighbor's dog. Come on. STOP BOUNCING AROUND.

KPTN

That's right, I refuse to actually acknowledge this dude's name. It's not even a word. But the moment we meet his parents, I can fully understand what it's all about. Oh funny. Caution tape around the hottub! Ha! Which is not nearly as funny as watching KPTN's mom tell JHo that she is going to take a test. A wine test. And a lasagna test? Wait. You were going down this great snobby road which was making Jillian feel like a "hillbilly" and then you ruin it with your ulta-classy...lasagna? Hm. Suddenly the snobbery doesn't feel so justified.

SIDEBAR #2 - What would I do in a similar situation? I don't eat lasagna. Would I be bold and tell KPTN's mom that I wasn't taking her stupid lasagna test, but I would be happy to drink more of the wine? Or would I choke something down? Hard to say.

You know the writing is on the wall when she throws out the rest of the "crappy" wine. Hey now. Jillian doesn't play that way. That's just wasteful. And while we're on the subject of disturbing, how was Mama KPTN able to turn "unconditional love" into a bad thing - complete with poorly chosen Tammy Wynette lyrics?

Jillian, get out while you can. You can have plenty of hottub fun with the other guys.

WINE COUNTRY

Is it me, or does WC's brother look a lot like a bigger version of Keith Urban? I would spend more time thinking about this date, but after WC answers a reasonable question with the unintelligible "honey boo bear" (I mean, what the hell is that? Really?) I realize that Jillian's love of wine is not enough to make this happen. Too bad.

THANK GOD I'M IN A COUNTRY BAND'S SECOND FAMILY

Besides, the lack of drama in the previous date only makes Austin that much more exciting. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't help but hope that TGIIACB was going to introduce Jillian to his wife and three kids. Oh wait. It's just his band. Singing what I'm sure he hopes will be his first single. They're not that -

GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I SWEAR IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT JILLIAN SONG ABOUT LOVE AGAIN I WILL CUT OFF MY EARS!

SIDEBAR #3 - I'm pretty sure I made a similar idle threat the last time this happened. I should really follow through with my promises, eh? And if we're talking fair, I should probably finish a recap by Tuesday morning too. Oh well.

THE RETURN OF SO YOU WANT TO BE A PILOT

Much like the oft-previewed return of Deanna, this was exciting. Until it actually happened. How did I know this was going to be completely lame? Maybe when we saw the scene when SYWTBAP pretended to call Footsie to be sure he was doing the right thing. (Yeah, that's who I'm going to call for advice.) What? You don't think Footsie was actually on the phone? Shocking.

This was really just an excuse to show Jake in his pilot uniform and to give us his best impression of a Jason-esque railing cry. God, that's good. OK, I'm back in this.

The scripting was also pretty evident during the Pilot/Country exchange. I would type it out word for word, but then some high school student is going to happen upon it and use it for a duet scene in forensics. That's how good this writing is, kids.

TGIIACB's FIRST FAMILY

I would totally believe that CB hired his entire family to convince JHo that he was honest. And nice. And honest. He's so bad at lying. Laurel who? That's crazy.

Oh my god, Jillian, if you keep this tool around I am going to visibly cringe.

SIDEBAR #4: Did anyone else remember when Chicago Ed's picture was not taken away, but placed on a special table of honor that now clearly meant "He Who Comes Back In Argyle Sweater"?

CHICAGO ED!

That's right! He's back! And I'm pretty sure that sweater is from Target, because I'm wearing the same one in brown. Somehow it's reassuring to know that Ed and I shop at the same stores. Because I've missed him. Ed, if you hadn't left, maybe there wouldn't have been so much freaking floppiness in the past few episodes (yeah, I'm talking to you, BreakDance). But I forgive you, even if your "I want another chance" sounds about as natural as Whitney apologizing to LC. (To be fair, I don't know if they ever had a fight, or if they were even on the same show. But I read US Weekly, so I do know those are real names. I think.)

Jillian, if you make me go through this and then don't bring him back, I am done.

Rose Ceremony: Wow, Lametown is first? KPTN even after his family makes JHo feel like a slutty country bumpkin? Oh good - Chicago Ed is in. Wait. TGIIACB?! Seriously?! Even BreakDance would be more tolerable than this.

Oh Jillian. You disappoint me.

NEXT WEEK: Let's remember that in addition to next week's beautifully edited CB gaff "my girlfriend - I mean my ex-girlfriend" we get closer and closer to the overnight dates and the Situation That Shall Not Be Named. I'll be sure I have plenty of room for all the texts.