The Bachelorette: In Which Jillian Shows Unprecedented Restraint and Clarity

Oh children. I threw my arms in the air in triumph/amazement so many times last night, I think I sprained something. (Don't worry - I'm still able to hold a glass.) The only way I could have been happier with this week's episode is if it had also featured the impending "it happens to every guy" scene.

KPTN
Day: Wow, way to lay it all out on the line. You're pretty much promising that you're not going to propose. Did you forget the point of this show? You're supposed to get down on one knee, then spend the next three months talking on the phone and never seeing your fiancée, then you appear on TV and in US Weekly as a happy new couple before you break up and spread the news to your fans via Facebook. And then Mary and Byron will get in another domestic squabble, but I understand - that's not something you can really control.

Sorry - back to the date. Flamenco? Really? As an avid castanets player, I support this endeavor, but it becomes clear very, very quickly that although she "loves to dance", JHo has zero rhythm. Notice how the camera shifts every time she starts to move into the frame while clapping? Sad. But the real question here is, with the later reveal that the zipper would not go up on KPTN's pants, did he just leave his fly down the whole time and hope that the sash covered it? Awkward.

Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. When did this become an episode of Survivor? KPTN, if you don't want to eat the escargot (thanks Jillian, for bringing up the slugs in your Canadian backyard) you don't have to. But it's clearly a turn-on (creepy) when JHo says you remind her of her dad. I would say something about the look of hope/lust in your eyes when Chris's letter arrives immediately after, but your style of cuddling makes me uncomfortable, so I'm going to skip it.

LAMETOWN
Day: You know Lame, I think I've been unnecessarily hard on you. Yes, you're kind of boring, and yes you're all about the hemming and the hawing ("You smell good?" Is that really what you wanted to say?), but when you get down to it, I can tell you're falling for JHo. Either that or you're frightened at the massive unopened jar of olives sitting on the table behind her head.

Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. Awkwardly saying everything except "I love you," check. But JHo might actually get a proposal out of this one, so she's playing it safe. (Cue the crestfallen look on our suitor.) Just more making out at the table.

CHICAGO ED
Day: What. Is. With. All. The. Kissing? Seriously? In the fountain? America doesn't need you kids breaking trespassing laws just so you can get a good shot of making out in the water. Do you see those people staring at you? They're just trying to decide which one of them should call the police.

Anyway - Is anyone else wondering how Ed suddenly got the go-ahead to come back to the show? And has he always been billed as a technology "consultant"? Is this a new job? And if it's not, why did he previously have a boss that could tell him what to do? All the consultants I know work from the beach and laugh on their way to the bank. And apparently go to karaoke. (If he had taken her to Trader Todd's, I would have immediately given him cool points, but I have a feeling it would have been Howl at the Moon. Oh well.) All of that notwithstanding, Ed doesn't get that Jillian is asking him to tell her that she's a priority. Come on, Ed. Give her what she wants.

Oh right. What she wants is your tongue down her throat. Check.

Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Wait. What's with the jacket, Ed? They don't sell stuff like that in Chicago. But what's this? You can see them being together for a long, long time? It's not those three little words, but it's close enough. Because somehow when the room key arrives, Jillian's plans are thwarted when Ed convinces her to "hang out" in the fantasy suite. Way to work it, Ed - even if you did make my eyes roll with your "You're my favorite part about Spain" line.

THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY DOUCHEBAG: I have to admit, I spent this whole section of the show not breathing. I didn't want to believe that the producers would lead us astray with the whole "my girlfriend, ahem, ex-girlfriend" bit. And they did not disappoint. This date was magical from beginning (TGIACDB informing us that since he had a song from his "second" cd go to number one in Mexico, he appreciates Spanish people - awesome) to end ("Let's skip it" - more awesome). (Except for the spilling of the beer - bad form.) Personally, my favorite part was when the card from Chris arrived and TGIACDB actually said "I think we should, actually." If I hadn't just refilled, I would have jumped off the couch in incredulosity. Oh Jillian. Thank you for not beating around the bush and being polite. I know I've said it once, but it bears repeating: "Let's skip it." Winning.

SIDEBAR #1 - Where the hell is Chris this week? I forsee disaster.

ROSE CEREMONY: TGIACDB, can you just wear a regular suit like everyone else? Why do you make me sing that "One of these things is not like the other" song every week? Oh well - it fits right in with Jillian's Bjork-esque bird outfit.

Wow. DB is really going for broke. Planning on having lots of sex, are you? Hot. I really thought one of the other guys might haul off and punch him. And maybe someone did - seems like the kind of thing that might be saved for the Men Tell All special.

SIDEBAR #2 - Wait! How do we know this is the last rose? Chris, where are you?

Ha. It's nice to make KPTN wait until the end. Oh the suspense!

SIDEBAR #3 - See? No one told DB to say his goodbyes, and chaos ensues. Chris is clearly the glue that holds this train wreck together.

TGIACDB'S LIMO RANT: Wow. Just...wow. The scotch makes you sloppy. Enjoy your Austin groupies. And your Mexican fans. Whom I'm sure can all be found in Spain.

NEXT WEEK: With DB gone, there's no more drama. I swear, if we don't get the "Trouble in Paradise" scene next week, I will be really riled up.