The Bachelorette: In Which I Realize That Things Are Not Going To Work Out the Way I Want Them To, Giving Me a Case of Writer's Block

Here's the problem. The excessive amounts of wine, combined with a week's worth of speculation and theorizing, make Monday nights both a cathartic and stressful experience. I swear, all I've dreamed about this week was Jillian and her three ring circus, much like the monotonous dreams I have when I've played too much Minesweeper.

Maybe that's because these dates are going just how we thought they would (with a few exceptions).

KPTN: Cargo shorts, t-shirt, white shoes. The Bachelorette - clearly sponsored by J. Crew and Nike. And so we begin the third date where Jillian puts on a harness and hangs from a rope, and the second date in a row where KPTN's package is highlighted. Although it was fairly amusing watching KPTN fall all over himself on the rope challenges, things took a really annoying turn during the Leap of Faith scene.

SIDEBAR #1: Is that really what it's called, or did the highly skilled writers see an opportunity for metaphor?

When the inevitable make-out session begins, all I can look at are KPTN's shoes. Man, those things are white. And I can't help but wonder if they're more comfortable than my own Nike Shox. And why they weren't more helpful on the tightrope, because there is a noticeable groove on the sole. And then the sun sets, leaving me to wonder if things are already finished.

Nope. It's time to break out the untucked shirt (Hawaiian style!) for dinner. Wait. Is he wearing flops to dinner? Flop flop flop. Yup. That's a really attractive sound. That's it, KPTN, you've officially made me angry. So much that I'm going to ignore your entire dinner, while I go open another bottle of wine.

And then the card from Chris magically appears (from under a napkin!) inviting KPTN and JHo to the fantasy suite. And they take it. And just when I think that all the package foreshadowing might give me the outcome I've been praying for, we cut to commercial.

Lame.

Speaking of...LAMETOWN: OK Player, you've really grown on me in the past couple of weeks. Don't let me down. The wardrobe department certainly doesn't, because you're wearing the prerequisite cargo shorts, t-shirt and white shoes, although instead of athletic KPTN shoes, Lametown goes for the more understated canvas variety. (Lest you think I'm judging, I'm wearing the exact same outfit at the moment. But I'm pretty sure none of the clothes on this show came from Kohl's.)

I digress. I don't see any special event for this date. What are they going to do? "Make out," proclaims LT. Right. Sorry man, here comes the helicopter.

SIDEBAR #2: What is with Jillian and the helicopters? Wasn't she in one with Jason last season? This has to be at least the fourth one this year. Don't even get me started on the ordained pilot.

Let's point out that post-date/pre-dinner makeout time does not last into the sunset like it did with KPTN. This does not bode well. Neither does the untucked island shirt. Come on wardrobe - mix it up in the evenings! (I'm going to regret saying that later.)

OK, here's what I have to say to LT: Stop telling the cameras that you love her. Don't you realize that she's waiting for you to say it to her? Or even something close to it? Stop your hemming and hawing with every single question. And if you say that it's hard for you to talk about your feelings one more time, I'm going to put on a periwinkle jacket with an aqua shirt. That's how much it annoys me.

And then the overnight card. I sit, holding my breath, praying that we don't see the upcoming "it happens to every guy" scene. No - just a (naked?) bathtub scene where LT gets bubbles in his wine. Oh LT.

SIDEBAR #3: Why can't I come up with a better name for Ed? I blame the three weeks that he was missing. That's prime mocking time. Now it's too close to the end to really get my creative juices going. (And by "juices" I mean "mixers". I don't like to drink vodka on the rocks in the summer.)

CHICAGO ED: OK, I see the cargo shorts, but what is with the Old Navy contrast trim tank top? And the flops? Where are the athletic shoes? I know you're going to be on a boat and everything, but come on.

Hold the phone. What is going on here? What are those green shorts? Is the second part of this date at a circuit party in Boystown? No one that tall should be wearing shorts that short. (Fast foward to the credits clip - mankini? No. Bad. Stoppit.)

But let's look at the rest of the Ed facts.

1. Ed flew his parents in. That's more than Melissa did last season. (A phone call? Yeah, that's sufficient.)

2. Ed's parents are adorably midwestern. Love it. ("What the hell are we doing here, Ed?")

3. In addition to rocking the capris, Ed's mom is nothing but nice. That's more than we can say for KPTN's mom.

4. Ed's dad welled up when he was talking to JHo. And he probably doesn't know anything about hottubs. That's more than we can say for KPTN's dad.

5. Ed is still wearing those stupid shorts, and his parents have not said anything about them. At least not on camera. You can't get nicer than that.

6. Ed is really laying it all out on the line. And I'm not talking about the shorts.

SIDEBAR #5: I can't get beyond those things. Please wardrobe - fix it.

THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: At first, I was confused. JHo says "we're both exhausted" and it looks like Ed just fell asleep. Let's rewind and watch again. Yes. It's clear that "nothing" happened. But I don't know why I don't feel the joy I was hoping for. Maybe because I really wanted it to be KPTN. (What's sad about this moment is that the best part was the lights turning off, the romantic shots of ocean and trees and then as the thunder claps, the lights flip back on.) I somehow feel cheated. But probably not as much as Jillian does.

RECAP WITH CHRIS: And just in case I thought it was all about sleep, now things are crystal clear. I love how many delicate prime-time network ways there are to say "couldn't get it up."

But what is that? It's the L Word in a video letter. Way to pony up, Ed. After some more non-committal nonsense from KPTN and more hemming and hawing from LT, you now look like the only real deal - except you may need a prescription for Viagra. What is Jillian to do?!

ROSE CEREMONY: Well, if were based purely on wardrobe, Jillian should cut him loose. And fast.

SIDEBAR #6: Dear Stylist, I'm sorry for the the harsh words earlier. If you promise to get KPTN a suit that fits and if you promise NEVER TO PUT ED (OR ANYONE ELSE) IN AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT AGAIN, I will forgive you. And I will give you the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the season. And maybe next season too. Warm regards, Me.

I sit, hopeful...and then my hopes are dashed. First rose to KPTN? Really? Ugh. It was the stupid Leap of Faith that did it, wasn't it?

Well now we know how it's going to go...Jillian wouldn't really send someone home because he couldn't perform in bed, right? Even though he's wearing a suit that's not fit for a barbershop quartet? Sigh.

I'll miss you, LT. I really thought you had a fighting chance.

NEXT WEEK: I can't decide if this is going to be really, really good...or really, really bad. I usually fast forward through the recap shows, but I'm going to give it a chance. And maybe even finish the recap in a timely fashion.