The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Annoyed To Find Nothing Significant To Make Fun Of

I suppose the magic couldn't last forever. But I have to admit that at the end of this twist-filled season, we'd get one last shocker.

No such luck. Unless you count a 16-year-old propositioning a man twice her age shocking. And if she weren't giggling like she was trying to ask someone to the Sadie Hawkins dance, it might have been. Instead it was just ... well, cute isn't the word. Still REID!!! managed to play it off nicely.

If anything was shocking it was the way that the man formerly known as Lametown (REID!!!) came off as poised and witty, even in the wake of heartbreak. (I've been waiting to use that phrase for weeks now.) Anyone else really want to know what his fantasy suite question was?

I'm going out of order. That's because I've never hidden my distaste for KPTN and his nonsense. And he didn't disappoint, because that was the most boring ten minutes of my life. So boring that I'm going to ignore the whole thing, you know, aside from the obvious untucked button down/jeans ensemble. (Come on dude, branch out.)

Having REID!!! around clearly made less time for questions, which is probably a good thing. But I'm glad we had time for those last two. Because the only real highlight of this otherwise dull epilogue was Chris telling JHo to pipe down while he grilled Mr. Potato Ed about his heinous green shorts. Oh Chris - I think I'll miss you most of all.

And MPE clearly improved his game, as evidenced by JHo's giddy response to the second question, relating to their boudoir antics. Oh MPE. If you hadn't worn those godforsaken shorts so many times, we never even would have questioned your masculinity. But the fact that JHo is pink with barely contained glee when discussing your relations has assured us that maybe you really were just exhausted and sunburnt before.

SIDEBAR #1 - You know what helps? Covering up a bit more. The lower thigh is very susceptible to sunburn. Try some board shorts - not your apparently new tiny blue madness which makes me visibly cringe whenever I think about it.

And finally, thank you Jillian for closing the night out with "I swore right before getting proposed to? Classy."

Yes. Yes, you are.

And that's it for Bachelorette 5, kids. Tune in August 20th and 21st for recaps of the new seasons of Top Chef and Project Runway. And maybe I'll throw in some Next Food Network or Design Star during the interim. Or maybe I'll just sit back with some sangria. We'll see.