Top Chef 6: Too Many Tattoos, Not Enough Drama

Seriously, how are we supposed to tell these people apart? No one is wearing madras. Everyone has tattoos. No one has a fauxhawk. It's almost like they don't care that I am writing and need reasons to give people nicknames.

Jerks.

The fact that I have to keep the Bravo site open while I write to remind me who is who tells me that we have few memorable characters this year. Even the Frenchy hasn't inspired the expected vitriol. And come on...if the foreign chef can't make us mad, who can?

And the fact that there is a tattoo gallery...well, I'm going to leave that alone.

Nicknames only for those who deserve it - but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

FOB (Ron): OK, you pulled the sympathy card way too soon, but I guess it got you out of not having anything resembling a vice. I'll give you a bye week, but your accent is so indecipherable, I'm going to have to start getting riled up at you soon.

Robin: Who? Oh right. The immunity chick. Well don't expect me to write anything if you're going to sit out of a challenge.

Preeti: I'm trying to figure out which adolescent boy she looks like, but I'm drawing a blank. Anyone? I'm also drawing a blank as to why the rest of her team didn't pause when she basically asked if clams and oysters are the same thing. Good job, Le Cordon Bleu.

OBSERVATION #1 - People need to stop pureeing vegetables. Wolfgang is right - it's like baby food. Keep that off my plate.

Cain (Michael V): This brother thing is either going to rule, or it's going to royally suck. And I'm leaning more toward the latter, because there's only so much "Yeah, we're probably going to be pretty competitive, but that just drives us to be better chefs" one can hear before one goes insane.

Jerz (Michael I): I don't know how this dude has not been featured on Hot Chicks With Douchebags already. Maybe he just doesn't surround himself with the right kind of (i.e. trashy) ladies. I'm surprised one of his teammates didn't punch him in the face with all of his incessant cheering during the Quickfire. I was hoping for a fast exit with all of his trashtalk, but the editors let me down. Lame.

Frenchy (Mattin): Seriously, you need to take that bandana off. You're not a cub scout.

OBSERVATION #2 - It's a good thing Gail likes whiskey (and you know she does) because more than 50% of these dishes were flavored with it. Come on chefs, let's be more creative, ok?

Laurine: Who? Oh the donut chick. I like bacon too, so I'll leave you alone.

Kevin: I procrastinate too. But I would not eat this. Ew. Oh, and please leave your shirt on. But at least he didn't...oh wait. He did actually utter the phrase "A Force To Be Reckoned With." Let's get some new reality lingo - and fast.

OBSERVATION #3 - Speaking of, there's pretty much no eye candy for Andy Cohen this year. Maybe he'll bring back Keanu for a challenge to try and get back in the game. But he'd better do it soon, since the previews show a lot of inappropriate disrobing coming up.

Pierce (Jesse): Stop telling people you haven't been trained like everyone else. They'll start to hold it against you and use it as an excuse for why you can't cook. And they should figure that out all on their own.

Dumbo (Jennifer Z): If we couldn't get rid of The Jerz, I'm glad we could lose Dumbo. Why would you put those things in your ears? Someone, please tell me what the hipsters are doing. Why do I assume she's a hipster, you ask? Come on. She thinks seitan is good. Enough said.

OBSERVATION #4 - Great. Looks like it's going to be another season of Top Scallop. Why do people insist on cooking these things?

Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): Oh good. An angry woman in a man's world. Guess what? I'm not even giving you a full paragraph. You know why? Because you leave the "eh" sound off the end of the word ceviche. And that's obnoxious.

Hector: Don't fry a steak. That's just stupid. As are you assumptions that the judges will actually like it.

OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you.

Eve: Who?

Fat Kid (Eli): I appreciate honesty. And yours is a good excuse to be a chef. If I didn't think so many foods were creepy, maybe I would have done it too.

Abel (Bryan V): Bryan, I actually want you to win, just to see your brother go nuts on the whole room.

Preeti/Ashley/Ash: You are a shadow of the former Team Rainbow. What's the problem? Can't you be more fun?

Ugh. I'm bored already. That must be why I fell asleep during judges table. Come on kids, shape up.