The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Happy, Then Disappointed and Then Realize That I Am Out of Wine

OK kids, this is it. Are you ready for the big day? Has two weeks of anticipation made it that much more exciting? (Yes, I know the Men Tell All nonsense was on in between, but I am not wasting my time with that trash. I fast forwarded through most of it - there's a reason Jill got rid of these dudes: most of them are douches.)

But now we're down to the final two (three!) and unless we have a green mankini sighting, this episode should rock. Let's get down to business.

7:00 - Previously on...oh great. There are the godforsaken green shorts. Mr. Potato Ed (has anyone else noticed that his head is shaped like a potato? Or a peanut?), you make me crazy.

7:09 - OK, I'm bored.

7:11 - MPE is awfully liberal with his use of "Peg" and "Glen." They're not your in-laws yet, man. Show some respect.

7:13 - Uh oh. Coconut bras + MPE+ Glen = Disaster. (And I'm only halfway into my first glass.) Glen, I expected better from you.

7:18 - "My family is a lot like your family...just like super easy-going..." Wait, what? Let's think back to your at-home visit with Mrs. KPTN. It wasn't so easy going. And she wasn't so nice. Do you really want to compare your mom to that harpy?

7:19 - Stop kissing. Has anyone else noticed that KTPN pushes his head toward Jillian's face at an alarming velocity?

7:20 - Uh, Jillian? You saw your parents yesterday. Do you squeal like that every time you're in the same room, or are you trying to give KPTN the same experience you gave MPE?

7:22 - MPE, your stupid career is going to blow this for you.

7:24 - Interesting. JHo just said having KPTN around her parents was like "having my boyfriend hanging out with my family." But earlier she said that MPE leaving was like "saying goodbye to my fiancee."

7:25 - Oh good god, enough with the kissing.

7:29 - Come on Reid, knock on the door. Where are you?

7:31 - OK, Glen likes MPE (probably because of his willingness to dance in a coconut bra), but Peg likes KPTN. Purely based on physicality, I'm sure.

7:33 - Right before the commercial break - this is a perfect time for a Reid sighting...and another glass.

7:34 - Damn.

7:37 - Oh come on MPE. Another tank top with contrasting trim? Was there a special at Old Navy? I'll let it slide, as long as you don't break out those damn shorts.

7:38 - Surprise. Another helicopter. They must be a major sponsor.

7:42 - Gah! Not the mankini!

7:44 - See what happens, MPE? You make me chug the rest of my wine. Jerk.

7:45 - I've also discovered some rach dressing in the fridge, next to my wine bottle. This will go perfectly with the crackers I am eating for dinner.

7:47 - Shoot. I forgot to record Dating in the Dark. Has anyone seen it? Is it good?

7:50 - Holy 8 pack, KPTN. I think I'd be scared to be sitting on a surfboard and paddling. The canoe I rode in a river last week was scary enough. But I suppose with all those abs controlling the paddle, it's probably ok.

7:53 - Well OK, when you put it like that, KPTN, it seems pretty stupid not to choose you. Hell, I'd probably choose you too, although that could just be because I'm on my third glass of wine in less than an hour. (note - in hindsight, I no longer remember what was actually said - I can't be expected to quote things while drinking - but it was good stuff.)

7:55 - Another editor comparison. When the lights turn out with MPE, we get a shot of molten lava. When the lights go out for KPTN, we get a shot of blue ocean waves. Hmm. What are you trying to tell me? And where is Reid?!

7:59 - Oh JHo - maybe you should have hit the makeup chair before pretending to roll out of bed.

8:00 - Good. I was worried there wouldn't be enough montages.

8:02 - Man those are some ugly rings. But here's a question. Which one went first? Do they both get the same options? What if the first guy who chooses gets the obvious best ring and the second guy is left with duds? And if they get the same choices, what if they both choose the same ring? How does all this work? And how did my glass get empty again so quickly?

8:05 - Ok, we get it. KPTN has a better body than Chicago Doughboy Mr. Potato Ed. We like our food here. And it's cold most of the time, so we're not hitting the ocean every single day like some people.

8:07 - This would be the perfect place for a Reid teaser. I swear, if this is another DeAnna "make the right choice" moment, I am going to be pissed.

8:12 - Seriously?! A no for KPTN? I thought he had this in the bag...

8:18 - OK, that was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad.

8:25 - REID!!!

8:26 - Way to dress up man. Yes, I'm wearing the same outfit (minus the blazer) but I'm sitting in my living room and you're proposing. See the distinction?

8:29 - REID!!!!!

8:30 - Sorry, I got excited. Jillian, don't get my hopes up...

8:32 - No! Don't go think about it! Just do it! Say yes!

8:40 - Shut up Chris. Stop being wise. "Because you know." Whatever.

8:43 - Boooooooooooooo.

8:46 - I can't believe he had to be rejected and take the sad limo to the airport. Twice.

8:48 - Yes Reid, it was too late. But at least you can say that you told her how you feel. That's better than the position you were in last week.

8:49 - "Ed better not f*cking disappoint me." Oh JHo. You make me smile.

8:56 - Wait, is MPE quoting an Air Supply song?

8:57 - Whatever it is, it's making me well up. Or it could be the fact that my wine bottle is empty.

8:58 - OK, it was my second wine bottle that is empty. Don't judge me.

8:59 - And there go JHo's legs, around MPE's waist. You can take the girl out of the country...

9:00 - One last montage. Who is this singing? It would have been awesome if it were Wes's crappy song.

9:01 - And scene. Let me hit the wine store, and I'll see you tomorrow for After the Rose.