Project Runway: Tessellations, Ponyhawks and LiLo, Oh My

Maybe the freakishly long delay between seasons has made me complacent in my Target/Kohl's uniforms, or maybe it's the fact that there is a harsher glare in LA...but man, it seriously hurts my eyes to see that these people are supposed to be telling the public how to look. Are you kidding me? You clearly can't dress yourselves...why should I listen to you? We're going to need a lot of wine, kids.

I actually started to divide people up into two groups (PEOPLE I LOATHE ALREADY and PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT YET MANAGED TO MAKE ME ANGRY) but the more I thought about it, the more most of the people on the second list catapulted to the first. And we'll start with the worst of the worst:

Samantha Ronson (Ari): I have never been so embarrassed to be from Kansas City. I could go on and on about the idiocy that this chick decided to parade around on national TV (headstands, lack of renderings, a completely incomprehensible collection of tights and nonsense) but I will get too angry and throw my computer out the window. Instead, let's learn from her mistakes:

"A tessellation or tiling of the plane is a collection of plane figures that fills the plane with no overlaps and no gaps. One may also speak of tessellations of the parts of the plane or of other surfaces. Generalizations to higher dimensions are also possible. Tessellations frequently appeared in the art of M. C. Escher. Tessellations are seen throughout art history, from ancient architecture to modern art." (Thanks, Wikipedia.)

There. Now we can just pretend this never happened.

SIDEBAR #1 - Do you think LiLo voted her out, just because of the startling resemblance to her ex? And while we're on the subject, why is LiLo judging the red carpet challenge? How many Oscar ceremonies has she attended?

Althea - Eh. I wrote down a halfhearted "Jewel?", but that's it. We need less people. Or she needs to be less boring.

Woodland Fairy (Carol Hannah) - Again, I'm trying to muster up some emotions, but she really dug her own grave with her "People don't expect me to have, you know, like intelligence, attached..." Wow.

This Is My Now (Christopher) - I can forgive the fact that your renderings look like characters from Daria (I miss that show), but if you keep welling up at the drop of every hat, I will start to hate you. And speaking of, that hat needs to go. And maybe the chinstrap too. And the creepy hoops. Oops. Looks like I'm not forgiving you for anything.

Treneyce (Epperson) - Until you are famous, you need a last name. As such, I will be referring to you by the moniker of another deluded reality contestant until you do something worth noting.

SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else find it strange that they're advertising Top Chef on Lifetime? And that PR had a commercial last night on Bravo? Did they strike some sort of weird partnership after all the fighting?

Eastern Block (Gordana) - I have no idea what is going on here, but if it turns out to be another Uli-esque extravaganza, I'm in.

Kim Kardashian (Irina) - I'm going to pretend you didn't feature your purse-dog in your audition tape. It might as well have been Ray J.

Crybaby (Johnny) - Come on dude, get a grip. I know that editors tend to make things look worse, but if you didn't freaking say the word "addiction" 50 times, they wouldn't have shown it. I think maybe he'd fit in better on Top Chef.

SIDEBAR #3 - I think everyone needs Tim Gunn to give them a hug and a pep talk once in a while. How can we make that happen?

We Get It, You're Straight (Logan) - This Gavin DeGraw wannabe is probably going to wind up being a t-shirt designer for American Apparel, so why are we wasting everyone's time? I know, you don't wanna be anyone other that what you've been trying to be lately, but maybe you should try to be someone else for a while.

Vintage Desmond (Louise) - If she doesn't get voted outsoon, she is quickly going to start to annoy me in a Laura sort of way. And I don't think that's a good thing.

Ponyhawk (Malvin) - Where to begin? OK, first off, Heidi does not like your hair. Yes, she always thinks its interesting to see the designers personal style, because then she and Nina go bet drunk and make fun of everyone. And guess what Pony? You're at the top of the list. Let's peruse some of your other bon mots, shall we? "I think I come across as androgynous." Oh? You're very perceptive. But not so much when it comes to your clothes: "There's not a vocab for them yet." Wait. I can think of some. "Ugly" comes to mind.

MBA (Mitchell) - You should be glad you didn't display that Victorian thing you designed first, because it did not look good. But you dress like a normal human being and I empathize with your plight, so we're good for now.

SIDEBAR #4 - Here's what happened: I had to work in the shop in college while I was in costuming class. (Now I only know how to hem pants and sew on buttons, but that's neither here nor there.) The designer gave me a pattern and some measurements, and I made a blouse. A few weeks later, the actress came in and nothing fit, because she was at least 5 inches bigger than the measurements. The designer got mad, and took the blouse away, and I spent the next two weeks sorting fabric swatches. Two years later, I find out that the actress was pregnant and didn't tell anyone. She had the baby over Christmas break and no one even noticed. Totally not my fault. So I blame MBA's model. Watch out designers - she's probably secretly pregnant.

Feather Prince (Nicholas) - From the moment this douche walked onto the screen with his glasses halfway down his nose, I could tell we weren't going to be friends. I want to slap him across the face for so many reasons, it's not even funny.

Plus Sexy (Qristyl) - Q, you had me until I saw how you spelled your name. But I'm going to hope that you keep trotting ghetto trash down the runway for a long time. And when you're done, there's a great store here called "Sexy Ladies of the Hollywood" that I think you'd be perfect for.

Douchescarf (Ra'mon Lawrence) - Your braids, your scarf, your apostrophe. It's all too much. And one of the Runway staffers (who is obviously from Chicago) must think so too, because even though you say you're from here, every time your name comes up, it saying Minneapolis. See? Our whole city doesn't want to take credit for you.

SIDEBAR #5: Oh Heidi. I love you and your German accent. Thank you for not being able to pronounce "Marie Claire."

Shirin - I'm actually too scared of you and your Farsi tricks to give you any kind of nickname. Plus, you're kind of boring.

And so it begins. I'll get to the all-star episode this weekend.

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Top Chef 6: Too Many Tattoos, Not Enough Drama

Seriously, how are we supposed to tell these people apart? No one is wearing madras. Everyone has tattoos. No one has a fauxhawk. It's almost like they don't care that I am writing and need reasons to give people nicknames.

Jerks.

The fact that I have to keep the Bravo site open while I write to remind me who is who tells me that we have few memorable characters this year. Even the Frenchy hasn't inspired the expected vitriol. And come on...if the foreign chef can't make us mad, who can?

And the fact that there is a tattoo gallery...well, I'm going to leave that alone.

Nicknames only for those who deserve it - but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

FOB (Ron): OK, you pulled the sympathy card way too soon, but I guess it got you out of not having anything resembling a vice. I'll give you a bye week, but your accent is so indecipherable, I'm going to have to start getting riled up at you soon.

Robin: Who? Oh right. The immunity chick. Well don't expect me to write anything if you're going to sit out of a challenge.

Preeti: I'm trying to figure out which adolescent boy she looks like, but I'm drawing a blank. Anyone? I'm also drawing a blank as to why the rest of her team didn't pause when she basically asked if clams and oysters are the same thing. Good job, Le Cordon Bleu.

OBSERVATION #1 - People need to stop pureeing vegetables. Wolfgang is right - it's like baby food. Keep that off my plate.

Cain (Michael V): This brother thing is either going to rule, or it's going to royally suck. And I'm leaning more toward the latter, because there's only so much "Yeah, we're probably going to be pretty competitive, but that just drives us to be better chefs" one can hear before one goes insane.

Jerz (Michael I): I don't know how this dude has not been featured on Hot Chicks With Douchebags already. Maybe he just doesn't surround himself with the right kind of (i.e. trashy) ladies. I'm surprised one of his teammates didn't punch him in the face with all of his incessant cheering during the Quickfire. I was hoping for a fast exit with all of his trashtalk, but the editors let me down. Lame.

Frenchy (Mattin): Seriously, you need to take that bandana off. You're not a cub scout.

OBSERVATION #2 - It's a good thing Gail likes whiskey (and you know she does) because more than 50% of these dishes were flavored with it. Come on chefs, let's be more creative, ok?

Laurine: Who? Oh the donut chick. I like bacon too, so I'll leave you alone.

Kevin: I procrastinate too. But I would not eat this. Ew. Oh, and please leave your shirt on. But at least he didn't...oh wait. He did actually utter the phrase "A Force To Be Reckoned With." Let's get some new reality lingo - and fast.

OBSERVATION #3 - Speaking of, there's pretty much no eye candy for Andy Cohen this year. Maybe he'll bring back Keanu for a challenge to try and get back in the game. But he'd better do it soon, since the previews show a lot of inappropriate disrobing coming up.

Pierce (Jesse): Stop telling people you haven't been trained like everyone else. They'll start to hold it against you and use it as an excuse for why you can't cook. And they should figure that out all on their own.

Dumbo (Jennifer Z): If we couldn't get rid of The Jerz, I'm glad we could lose Dumbo. Why would you put those things in your ears? Someone, please tell me what the hipsters are doing. Why do I assume she's a hipster, you ask? Come on. She thinks seitan is good. Enough said.

OBSERVATION #4 - Great. Looks like it's going to be another season of Top Scallop. Why do people insist on cooking these things?

Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): Oh good. An angry woman in a man's world. Guess what? I'm not even giving you a full paragraph. You know why? Because you leave the "eh" sound off the end of the word ceviche. And that's obnoxious.

Hector: Don't fry a steak. That's just stupid. As are you assumptions that the judges will actually like it.

OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you.

Eve: Who?

Fat Kid (Eli): I appreciate honesty. And yours is a good excuse to be a chef. If I didn't think so many foods were creepy, maybe I would have done it too.

Abel (Bryan V): Bryan, I actually want you to win, just to see your brother go nuts on the whole room.

Preeti/Ashley/Ash: You are a shadow of the former Team Rainbow. What's the problem? Can't you be more fun?

Ugh. I'm bored already. That must be why I fell asleep during judges table. Come on kids, shape up.

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