Just like every season, the first two episodes have set the bar pretty low. True, soon we'll separate the wheat from the chaff, but it's still going to be a long two weeks. Let's get into it, so I can get to the bar.
GROUP SONG: "American Boy" by Estelle. I'm going to say something bold. This might be the best group song I've ever heard on the Idol. Tight harmonies, good blend in each group, but without sounding like Clash of the Choirs. And until the step touch nonsense. Maybe the key this season is to only listen and not watch.
JUDGMENT: The bathrobe clip really just took precedence over anything I could make fun of. Sorry team.
CAMEOS: I love seeing Idol alums. It's amazing how much they can grow in less than a year. But that doesn't mean I won't make fun of them.
Allison Iraheta: Oh Charo, I've missed you and your craziness. And your cd is pretty darn good for the most part. But let's talk fashion. What are those rings? And what is that thing crawling up your back? If I didn't know that Invasion had been canceled years ago, I would be concerned that you're being taken over by some sort of alien. And don't try to tell me that it's part of the dress. I'm not that stupid.
Kris Allen: Although I would like MMM to shave off that little mustache, it's pretty hard to argue with images from Haiti. OK. I'll buy your song.
RESULTS: Janell Wheeler (sad...but I get it: don't sing Heart in the semis) & Eva Mendes (and yeah - don't sing a song by a Simon protege). It's all about song choice, kids.
Who? (Who?) & Constantine: The Reckoning (seriously, just call Maroulis' agent)
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Thursday, February 25, 2010
American Idol Top 24 Guys: The Day Ryan Forgets To Say "Idol"
Randy: "The girls blew it out last night." Great. If that was blowing it out, we're in for some disaster tonight.
So You Think You Can Dance (Toddrick Hall) "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson - Performance: fine. Singing: Mess. Don't take my favorite Kelly song and create that monstrosity. And don't freaking start off by talking. You are not Janet Jackson.
Kevin Covais (Aaron Kelly) "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts: Guess what? Wearing an untucked plaid shirt does not qualify you to sing a country song. And fast forward.....wait. Why is Simon saying that you're good? And so is Kara? What happened in that 50 seconds that I breezed through? Rewinding....oh, OK. So there were a few really good notes there near the end. And thank the sweet lord you didn't try to rock the high note. Fine. You can chicken little it up for one more week.
SIDEBAR #1: The lady next to me on the couch is currently going into convulsions. She did not care for that performance. Either that or she's having a seizure. Hard to say.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) "Get Here" by Oleta Adams: Neck tattoo, skinny jeans, Glambert boots, satin flower and a tux jacket with tails...waaaaiiiiiiit! What was that sound? Did someone step on my cat?
Sampson (Tim Urban) "Apologize" by One Republic: It might be a bit too early to rock this song after MatthewsMayerMraz rocked it so hardcore last season. And if you're not actually good at falsetto...maybe you shouldn't try a song that features it prominently in the chorus. You're lucky to be here. Think.
SIDEBAR #2: It wasn't a seizure. Don't worry.
Who? (Joe Munoz) "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz: This isn't bad per se, but it's like listening to Marc Anthony sing a really good song. And that scarf isn't doing you any favors. Have you seen Mraz in concert? He is awesome. That? Not awesome. Best of the night, Kara? Eh.
SIDEBAR #3: Thanks Dawg...I was worried we wouldn't hear "For me for you" for a while this season.
Constantine: The Reckoning (Tyler Grady) "American Woman" by The Guess Who: Don't worry kid. You've got a job as an understudy in Rock of Ages.
SIDEBAR #4: Ugh. We're only halfway through.
MMM 2.0 (Lee Dewyze) "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol: I'm pretty sure I've seen this before. And his name is Kris Allen. Luckily for you, I like Kris Allen (and so does America). I don't think those random flat notes are going to send you home this week. And Chicago pride requires me to root for you. See you next week.
Dead Eyes (John Park) "God Bless the Child": McPheever, you're not. Nor are you a bass. So don't try to hit those low notes. And stop with the freaking runs. Sorry, I don't care if you're from Chicago. You're not getting my vote.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) "This Love" by Maroon 5: I'm having a hard time finding something wrong with this. You know, aside from the wretched backup singers. Glad to see you've saddled us with those chicks again this season, producers.
Mullet Bieber (Alex Lambert) "What a Wonderful World" by James Morrison: Sure, you've got a unique sound. But you need a haircut. (Please, don't take hair advice from Ellen.) And if you want to keep calling Simon "Sir," then you just do it.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) "Heaven" by Bryan Adams: You know this bring to mind a question: How far would Bo Bice have gone if he weren't up against Carrie? Maybe we'll see.
SIDEBAR #5: Man, I'd forgotten how long these semi-final episodes are. I miss Paula.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy: It's interesting to actually understand the lyrics to a Fall Out Boy. Those dudes are weird. Now I'm not a guitar expert. But if you capo that low, you don't have much room to move around. And maybe that's why you lost your place halfway through the song.
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver, So You Think You Can Dance, Dead Eyes
WILL GO: Constantine: The Reckoning & Who?
Man, I need some more scotch.
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So You Think You Can Dance (Toddrick Hall) "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson - Performance: fine. Singing: Mess. Don't take my favorite Kelly song and create that monstrosity. And don't freaking start off by talking. You are not Janet Jackson.
Kevin Covais (Aaron Kelly) "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts: Guess what? Wearing an untucked plaid shirt does not qualify you to sing a country song. And fast forward.....wait. Why is Simon saying that you're good? And so is Kara? What happened in that 50 seconds that I breezed through? Rewinding....oh, OK. So there were a few really good notes there near the end. And thank the sweet lord you didn't try to rock the high note. Fine. You can chicken little it up for one more week.
SIDEBAR #1: The lady next to me on the couch is currently going into convulsions. She did not care for that performance. Either that or she's having a seizure. Hard to say.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) "Get Here" by Oleta Adams: Neck tattoo, skinny jeans, Glambert boots, satin flower and a tux jacket with tails...waaaaiiiiiiit! What was that sound? Did someone step on my cat?
Sampson (Tim Urban) "Apologize" by One Republic: It might be a bit too early to rock this song after MatthewsMayerMraz rocked it so hardcore last season. And if you're not actually good at falsetto...maybe you shouldn't try a song that features it prominently in the chorus. You're lucky to be here. Think.
SIDEBAR #2: It wasn't a seizure. Don't worry.
Who? (Joe Munoz) "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz: This isn't bad per se, but it's like listening to Marc Anthony sing a really good song. And that scarf isn't doing you any favors. Have you seen Mraz in concert? He is awesome. That? Not awesome. Best of the night, Kara? Eh.
SIDEBAR #3: Thanks Dawg...I was worried we wouldn't hear "For me for you" for a while this season.
Constantine: The Reckoning (Tyler Grady) "American Woman" by The Guess Who: Don't worry kid. You've got a job as an understudy in Rock of Ages.
SIDEBAR #4: Ugh. We're only halfway through.
MMM 2.0 (Lee Dewyze) "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol: I'm pretty sure I've seen this before. And his name is Kris Allen. Luckily for you, I like Kris Allen (and so does America). I don't think those random flat notes are going to send you home this week. And Chicago pride requires me to root for you. See you next week.
Dead Eyes (John Park) "God Bless the Child": McPheever, you're not. Nor are you a bass. So don't try to hit those low notes. And stop with the freaking runs. Sorry, I don't care if you're from Chicago. You're not getting my vote.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) "This Love" by Maroon 5: I'm having a hard time finding something wrong with this. You know, aside from the wretched backup singers. Glad to see you've saddled us with those chicks again this season, producers.
Mullet Bieber (Alex Lambert) "What a Wonderful World" by James Morrison: Sure, you've got a unique sound. But you need a haircut. (Please, don't take hair advice from Ellen.) And if you want to keep calling Simon "Sir," then you just do it.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) "Heaven" by Bryan Adams: You know this bring to mind a question: How far would Bo Bice have gone if he weren't up against Carrie? Maybe we'll see.
SIDEBAR #5: Man, I'd forgotten how long these semi-final episodes are. I miss Paula.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy: It's interesting to actually understand the lyrics to a Fall Out Boy. Those dudes are weird. Now I'm not a guitar expert. But if you capo that low, you don't have much room to move around. And maybe that's why you lost your place halfway through the song.
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver, So You Think You Can Dance, Dead Eyes
WILL GO: Constantine: The Reckoning & Who?
Man, I need some more scotch.
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Wednesday, February 24, 2010
American Idol Top 24 Girls: The Day Ryan Jinxes Everyone
"So here's the math. For the next three weeks, each group will take the stage separately. And based on your votes, we will lose the bottom two girls and the bottom two guys until we get down to your top 12. Sounds easy, but you're gonna have to make some tough calls because this year's group really is incredible and has great potential." Good job, Ryan. I'm now expecting the worst live show in history.
SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.
Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.
Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.
Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.
SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"
Awesome.
Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.
SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.
Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.
SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.
Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)
Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.
Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.
Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)
Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.
But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.
(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.
SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.
So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?
BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.
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SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.
Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.
Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.
Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.
SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"
Awesome.
Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.
SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.
Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.
SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.
Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)
Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.
Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.
Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)
Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.
But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.
(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.
SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.
So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?
BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.
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Thursday, February 18, 2010
Project Runway: Four Episodes At Once
Oh children. I've toyed with you and dangled the proverbial carrot in front of your faces by making promises that I can't keep. Sadly, I don't like carrots - they taste like dirt. I like wine. So tonight, while drinking the better part of the four bottles of Vinho Verde I just purchased from the Trader Joe's, we're going to catch up with Project Runway.
POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
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POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
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