American Idol 10: In Which People Do Not Listen To My Advice

Remember when Nigel said there weren't going to be any more theme weeks? That would have been nice. I'm sorry, but I don't like Motown. And I don't like hearing kids talk about how they've never heard these songs before, but they're amazing! Ugh. Shut up children.

Right now, I'm in this for J.Lo. But I suppose I have to talk about the contestants too. Fine.

Zac Brown Band (Casey Abrams) - "Heard It Through the Grapevine" - OK fine. But remember what I said last week. America does not like weird. Tone it down.

Mulan (Thia Megia) - "Heatwave" - I'd be totally behind this if I were at a wedding. Which means I'd also be loaded and more willing to dance. But we're only 19 minutes into this thing, so I've only had like three drinks - and I'm not willed to even get up from the couch. You have a nice voice, and an especially nice lower register, but eh. I'll like you better when I have the opportunity to slip you a fiver and ask you to sing Copacabana.

SIDEBAR #1: These new backup singers are awesome. And hopefully saying that didn't jink us.

The Screamer (Jacob Lusk) - "You're All I Need To Get By" - Watch out, Screamer. Kelly sang this song in Season 1. And you know how I feel about singing past Idol songs, especially songs that winners chose. The only thing you inspire me to do is go and listen to their version. Be right back.

Yup. I still like Kelly's version better. And I still do not like the strange yawny quality to The Screamer's voice. Or his crazy droopy earrings (with matching cufflinks). Also, special thanks to the backup singers for stomping on my previous praise with a flat opening phrase. Well done, kids.

SIDEBAR #2: Sit down, Grandma. This is national television. At least Seacrest is playing it for laughs.

Two-Toned (Lauren Alaina) - "You Keep Me Hanging On" - It makes me nervous that you look so much like Topanga from Boy Meets World this week. Also that you look so pretty, because I've never thought of Topanga as a pretty lady. God, I'm all confused. I might have enjoyed this more if you'd kept it slow like you started it. Because this version was pretty typical. I even like Quinn's cold shoulder rendition from the first season of Glee better than this. But I don't think it should send you home just yet. Just...do better next week, ok?

DUI (Stefano Langone) - "Hello" - Sigh. What did I JUST SAY?! David Cook has already killed this (Seacrest even brings it up, dumbass). Stop it. STOP IT. And don't even get me started about the monstrosity of those blue velcro shoes. Why do the kids insist on tucking their cuffs into their high tops these days? I saw a kid at the movie theatre yesterday who had freaking TIGHT ROLLED HIS JEANS to get the desired effect. The only good thing about this performance was listening to J.Lo's wisdom at the end.

SIDEBAR #3: I actually don't mind that my tivo keeps cutting out because then I can imagine something else is happening.

Scarnato 2.0 (Haley Reinhart) - "You Really Got a Hold On Me" - Did we learn nothing from the original Scarnato's short shorts nonsense? (Clearly, because they helped her stick around a few weeks longer than she should have.) I'm annoyed by this song, because it always sounds too slow. And the Janis Joplin vibe, yo, is misplaced in a song like this. Luckily we can always count on Steven Tyler to liven things up, because the song didn't do it for me.

Jackson Straight Black (Scotty McCreery) - "For Once In My Life" - This is...uncomfortable. Although I don't think I need to hear any more country ballads from this kid, I don't enjoy the awkward uptempo vibe here. But I'll take it for the bass notes, because there aren't enough basses in mainstream music. And because that's what J.Lo likes, and we're best friends, so I'm going to go with it.

Zadora (Pia Toscano) - "All in Love is Fair" - Props for always dressing like my BFF J.Lo. If it helps you get votes, I'm all for it. Because you have the best voice here (and a rocking McPheever falloff) and if you hurt my feelings by being second place to someone floppy, I'm going to be unhappy with you.

SIDEBAR #4: I've never seen string players clear the stage that quickly.

Floptastic (Paul McDonald) - "Tracks of My Tears" - You're starting off on the wrong foot by saying that you can't help but move when you sing it. Ugh. And if I have to close my eyes to get through it, fine. Because every time I hear you say "what's going on y'all?" I close my eyes with angst. But here's the truth about this song though: I don't like it. I didn't like it when Glambert dramaticized it a few years ago, and I don't like it now. So your star is starting to fade with me, Floptastic. Careful. Careful.

Kiss the Rain (Naima Adedapo) - "Dancin' In the Streets" - That's too many bracelets. And putting tribal drummers on the stage will not hide the fact that you have a tiny range. And the notes at either end are flat. Wait - remember? This is a singing competition. Not dancing. While I appreciate that you understand the dancing is your strong point, I do not want to see it. Take some voice lessons.

SIDEBAR #5: I'm bored. Do you hear me, children? I'm BORED.

Talypo (James Durbin) - "Living For the City" - I can't even listen to this song, because I was thinking about a nickname that would involve the insipid scarf tail, and as soon as Talypo popped into my head, I was transported back to kindergarten when my librarian read a chilling story to us, a story which still gives me nightmares. And now I am mad at this dude for not only choosing a lame song, but for always wearing that stupid scarf which is going to make it awfully difficult to sleep tonight. Jerk.

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RESULTS SHOW

Ok, something I do enjoy about this season: this new mentor program appears to be helping a lot. And while I don't love Marc Anthony, man was he helpful. Monitors and sound make such a difference when you're performing and usually the first few weeks are wasted while the kids learn how to deal with the stage.

And talking about that helped to distract me from "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". Damn, that was a lot of screaming. WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO ME? Now I'm not even in the mood for Stevie.

But there's cake. I always make time for cake. As a matter of fact, I should probably have some now. It goes well with wine. And Sugarland.

Speaking of, alert reader Ashley felt that this week's anger should be focused on Jennifer Nettles. And while I'll agree that she's a disaster live (what IS that outfit?), I like the songs. So I just use this time to refill my glass and don't actually watch.

Besides, I have to reserve a lot of anger for wasting my time with Hulk Hogan and his poor stage punch. As fun as it is to see Seacrest go flying, it's not worth it when you can see it's not real.

And the only thing I got from JHud's performance was a couple of nice piano glisses, and the awareness of the lack of swaying hands in the audience this season.

RESULTS: Well ZBB, if you'd listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this position. And luckily you haven't pissed off the judges enough to keep them from saving you. Now next week, you need to do better. Do you hear me? Do you hear J.Lo? DO BETTER.

NEXT WEEK: I'm already angry. I hate Elton John. Ugh.