It's true. Last week was so freaking boring that I sat down to watch it no fewer than seven times. And every time I FELL ASLEEP. Note to the producers: Jillian rolling around in the snow and saying "aboat" every ten seconds does not a good episode make.
But for some reason, train rides are infinitely more interesting.
SIDEBAR #1: Break Dance is wearing flops. It's Canada. Everyone is wearing coats. Put on some damn shoes. And don't make me tell you again. (Incidentally, in my world of tivo, this is occurring scant hours after your whole pink sweater rose ceremony disaster, so you really have some splainin' to do.)
1 On 1 with Robbie: Come on, man, did you not see where this was going? She's asking you if you have any kind of plan for your life. Now, I'm not judging - I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my own life - but I'm not trying to find love on national tv, and besides, this is about you, not me. Jillian even tried to give you an out with the whole "You should open a bartending school" thing, but you shot that idea down like it was a Canadian grouse. (I have no idea if such a thing exists, if it flies, or if it is ever shot down, but that sounded, good, eh?) Sorry man, an intense kiss on the set of Brokeback Bachelor four episodes ago is not going to get you a hometown visit.
That doesn't mean you deserve to be left on the side of a mountain. Harsh.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else think the train announcer sounds like William Shatner?
Impromptu with Thank God I'm a Country Boy: This dude is lame. He's totally that guy who waits until a girl breaks up with someone so he can swoop in with a shoulder to cry on. Jillian, why are you falling for this nonsense? He's not even that good of a singer!
Group Date: Snowshoeing? Hide and Seek? Really? We're really trying hard to find things to do in Canada, eh? I'm glad Jake found you. He's a good guy, even if he does use the word "cuddle" too much.
Oh Footsie. Why are you so creepy? In everything you do? It was definitely too soon to bust out the phrase "Jillian found out that I'm blessed." I haven't had nearly enough wine for this.
SIDEBAR #3 - If Break Dance does not stop talking soon, I am going to call my friends who live in Astoria and make sure his ass gets kicked.
1 On 1 with Reid: Man, I want to root for you, but you can't ask advice from the stewardess (what are they called on trains?); you were closer with the Wine Steward - and his wisdom was good. Or that could just be the two glasses I had to chug after Footsie's fireplace extravaganza.
What's wrong with fondue? And why are you so freaked out about washing fruit? I may catch some sort of disease, but I will at least enjoy my apple.
SIDEBAR: #4 - While we're not on the subject at all, Jillian's dress at last week's rose ceremony was smokin'. This week, not so much.
Pre Rose Ceremony Questions: He's not giving you any answers. He's just panting on you like an eager puppy. Please, please send him home.
Rose Ceremony: WineGuy's a no-brainer. But TGIACB is still in it? Oh come on. And KEEPING THE CHILD INSTEAD OF JAKE? Good god, Jillian, are you insane?
A direct quote from my last recap: "The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #5 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives."
SIDEBAR #6 - Oh god, I love you even more. From the moment I saw the pilot's uniform walking down the hall, I knew that you were teasing me with more angst and drama, and that it would probably be nothing more than the brief snippet of confrontation that you showed us in the previews. But if Jake gets a chance to come back to the game? I would be really down for that. (After all, who doesn't love a judge's save once in a while?)
NEXT WEEK: Um. Awesome. Especially when the dad shows her the taped off hottub, followed closely by a sob story about a man who can't seal the deal on an overnight date. Oh Jillian, thank you for being so willing to jump in bed with everyone. I can't wait.
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Simultaneously Loathe Myself For Watching and Love Tivo For Letting Me Watch a Day Late
Seriously, every time I hear the words "Previously on The Bachelorette" I die a little bit inside. Do you know how much quality television is saved on my Tivo? And yet, I choose to spend two hours with this drivel. But then Chris Harrison promises something shocking (all it takes is a montage of fun, followed by an ominous "Then...") and I'm hooked again. Damn you, Bachelorette. Damn you for making me care.
1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Strongly Consider Liposuction and/or a Chin Implant
Wow, nothing makes me feel quite as short and round as watching a bunch of dudes parading around with their shirts off. But then they start to bust out the flops and the stocking caps (It's summer. In LA. Come on.) and I start to direct my anger elsewhere.
One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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