I probably shouldn't watch episodes 2 and 3 back to back (especially after the madness of Jenn C's elimination), but if they don't bring me back fast, I'm out for the season. There's a lot on the line here. And it's not going to be easy in an episode with Wylie Dufresne on the judges' panel. Man, that guy makes me mad. Get a haircut.
It seems like we're back on track with the schedule this week. And Hootie Hoo gave me a cheer, so we're starting off on the right foot.
QUICKFIRE: I had to rewind and watch the explanation again (because I was busy looking up how to spell Dufresne) and I'm glad I did. This challenge rules. (Kind of a cop-out for two teams to rock a lamb carpaccio, but I suppose they didn't have much choice.) Even if the food didn't look especially good, it was still worth it for the comedy. Especially funny that the Green Team was in the bottom, even after winning the prep section. Ha. Looks like Tight Pants isn't so awesome after all.
OBSERVATION #1: Do we think the producers realized just how lame last week's episode was? Is that why they've raised the stakes here? I love the concept of two people going home. Love it.
Woo! I also love how Tight Pants and Wide Knot are really emerging as the douches of the group. Wide Knot especially. We all know he's not a chef. He's a glorified host. And what's with the white blazer? Come on. I'd rather you had an addiction to cocaine - at least you'd be more of a wildcard.
SIDEBAR #1: Does anyone else miss Seth from TC: Just Desserts? He would be crazyland in this show. Especially with all the knives around.
On an unrelated note, I don't think I could handle a cocktail featuring a small fish. I would worry that A) it was looking at me the whole time and B) it was actually swimming in vodka, which I would later have to drink. I'll do a lot for vodka, but I don't know if I could actually do that.
Hootie Hoo is using the nitrogen? Beautiful. Don't let me down, lady.
OBSERVATION #2: Ugh. Where's Gail? Who's this chick?
TEAM MAREA: I don't know what most of these words mean. Can you make a panna cotta out of mushroom? Or a vinaigrette out of prosciutto? The onion is in the shape of a squid? I don't understand what's going on here at all.
OBSERVATION #3: I'm so sure Padma is hailing her own cab.
TEAM MA PECHE: White chocolate with fish? That's not ballsy, Tight Pants. That's gross. I don't care what Faux-Gail thinks. Here's the best part of this group: "I just have a very difficult time trying to figure out Fabio's dish." Ha! You and me both, Tom.
TEAM TOWNHOUSE: Popcorn! A scallop that's not a scallop! And Rainbow throws caution to the wind and makes a soup! (Yes, I understand that's her thing. If it's not scallops, it's soup. But I'm trying to stay positive here.)
SIDEBAR #2: In the interest of staying positive, I will bring up how happy I am to not see Toby Young any more. Man, that guy sucked.
TEAM WD50: Ew. All of this stuff looks gross. Even my Hootie Hoo. As expected, DoucheFoam made something appropriately both douchey and foamy. But I'm as surprised as the judges that he wasn't douchier and foamier.
TOP 4: UTR, Tight Pants, Angry Dale and Biceps. Sure, why not? I still don't like Angry, but his dish looked somehow the least disgusting of the four at WD50, so I guess he deserved it. At least they didn't award that white chocolate nonsense. Tight Pants, indeed.
BOTTOM 4: Incomprehensible, PLFASPV, Wide Knot and Headband. Well, I've been waiting for two of them to go home for two weeks now...but I'm not sure the judges will agree. Incomprehensible is annoying, but he's good for comedy, especially when he yells at Bourdain. Headband is too jazz-handsy for my liking, but I don't need him to leave. In a perfect world it would be PLFASPV and Wide Knot.
ELIMINATION: But I think we all know it's not a perfect world. I suppose I should be happy to finally get rid of Wide Knot, but this is definitely a bittersweet victory. Is it enough to get me totally back on the bandwagon? No. But I'll keep at it. After all, my wine would be lonely if I didn't.
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Saturday, December 18, 2010
Top Chef All Stars: Episode #2 - Not Right On So Many Levels
Considering that all I've consumed today is chips, salsa, peanut butter balls and malbec, it's been a pretty good Saturday. And you know, I bet the kids would love that stuff at midnight. (Although let's be honest, this malbec isn't going to last until 5pm, let alone midnight.)
And what is Joe Jonas doing here? (Come on Angry Dale, a pastry chef?) I'm sure he's a great judge for something like Star Search Kids, but a cooking - [ed. note - here I actually had a long rant about Joe Jonas and his qualifications and may or may not have used the terms "brat" and "child" and "puberty." But I don't actually have any feelings, positive or negative, about the Jonas Brothers. And he's 21. So...well...there's that. Back to the drinking.] - show? No.
QUICKFIRE: I'm with Rainbow Scallop. Why does everyone have to help with the quickfire? Just because Jonas couldn't make up his mind? Are these teams going to stick around for the challenge? Aren't they uneven? Is someone going home after the quickfire? What's going OOOOONNNNNNNN?!
Sorry. I got a little carried away and whiny. Maybe it's all the children. God, they're loud. And stupid. There's not enough wine in the world to make me want to be in that room with the screaming and the sugar and the Jonas and the screaming. And, you know, the screaming. On a related note, PLFASPV (Tiffani F.) was lucky to score after last week's poor performance.
SIDEBAR #1: Once, I went to a nighttime cocktail party at the Museum of Science and Industry. And we walked around in the dark. While drinking. It was really cool. The moral of this story is that DoucheFoam is right. Screw sleep. Run around the museum.
Why am I so not into this episode? To be honest, I'm focusing more on the strange chef fashion (were those really Pumps I saw, Spike?) and the indifference I feel with so many of these people. Tre. Tiffany. Headband Dale. Angelo. Stephen. I don't care about any of you. At least make me angry about something. I can't even muster some angst for Rainbow and her two stitches. (But I can definitely be annoyed with Incomprehensible and Headband and Antonia telling us how tough they are with their fingers and their forks and their duct tape. Wait. I don't think that's how I intended for that to happen. Oh well.)
SIDEBAR #2: When I was in the first grade spelling bee, I studied really hard. I was all set to spell brontosaurus. It never came up. I still won, but it wasn't satisfying. My winning word? Cake. So watching all this Team Brontosaurus stuff has left me with a feeling of unfinished business. I should probably eat some cake.
OK I figured it out. Here's what's wrong: the lack of early decision in the Quickfire challenge has completely thrown me off. It's like I started the episode halfway in and have spent the whole time trying to catch up. Listen up, producers. Don't mess with success. Give me guest judge, quickfire, quickfire winner, challenge, judges eating, judges table, elimination. Blam. None of this "Oh Joe Jonas (lame) can't decide, so we're going to go get children to scream really loud and that will help propel us right into the challenge." Except it didn't.
And what's with Katie Lee? Why is she here? Man, I see why she got fired. She's blander than...than...polenta cake? Well, something bland. See? She's so snooze-inducing, I can't even mock.
SIDEBAR #3: If you serve a DiSarrono on the rocks and then put 4 ounces of ginger ale in the glass, then it's no longer a DiSarrono on the rocks. It's a DiSarrono and ginger ale. (Not that anyone in their right mind would actually drink a DiSarrono on the rocks.) Maybe it's time for a new sponsor?
BRONTOSAURUS: I haven't even paid attention to the cooking here. Some sort of fruit in cream, potato gnocchi, and some random argument about plums. And then banana parfait wins? That's the winning dish? Wow. Powerful stuff, guys.
SIDEBAR #4: Oh Gail. They never listen, do they?
T-REX: None of your dishes sound very good. And Glass Ceiling: All Stars is just driving more nails into her coffin. (This is when we ask if fighting is actually helpful - although Tom says it doesn't bother him, you know that Gail is not pleased. She didn't like Tre's aggressive sauce, I guarantee she doesn't like GC:AS's ranting.)
SIDEBAR #5: This is lame. As lame as Katie Lee.
ELIMINATION: What?! Jenn C? The second elimination? Before all the people who are so boring that I can't even muster up nicknames for them? That's just crazy. Nothing about this episode is making me want to watch the rest of the season.
I need some scotch.
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And what is Joe Jonas doing here? (Come on Angry Dale, a pastry chef?) I'm sure he's a great judge for something like Star Search Kids, but a cooking - [ed. note - here I actually had a long rant about Joe Jonas and his qualifications and may or may not have used the terms "brat" and "child" and "puberty." But I don't actually have any feelings, positive or negative, about the Jonas Brothers. And he's 21. So...well...there's that. Back to the drinking.] - show? No.
QUICKFIRE: I'm with Rainbow Scallop. Why does everyone have to help with the quickfire? Just because Jonas couldn't make up his mind? Are these teams going to stick around for the challenge? Aren't they uneven? Is someone going home after the quickfire? What's going OOOOONNNNNNNN?!
Sorry. I got a little carried away and whiny. Maybe it's all the children. God, they're loud. And stupid. There's not enough wine in the world to make me want to be in that room with the screaming and the sugar and the Jonas and the screaming. And, you know, the screaming. On a related note, PLFASPV (Tiffani F.) was lucky to score after last week's poor performance.
SIDEBAR #1: Once, I went to a nighttime cocktail party at the Museum of Science and Industry. And we walked around in the dark. While drinking. It was really cool. The moral of this story is that DoucheFoam is right. Screw sleep. Run around the museum.
Why am I so not into this episode? To be honest, I'm focusing more on the strange chef fashion (were those really Pumps I saw, Spike?) and the indifference I feel with so many of these people. Tre. Tiffany. Headband Dale. Angelo. Stephen. I don't care about any of you. At least make me angry about something. I can't even muster some angst for Rainbow and her two stitches. (But I can definitely be annoyed with Incomprehensible and Headband and Antonia telling us how tough they are with their fingers and their forks and their duct tape. Wait. I don't think that's how I intended for that to happen. Oh well.)
SIDEBAR #2: When I was in the first grade spelling bee, I studied really hard. I was all set to spell brontosaurus. It never came up. I still won, but it wasn't satisfying. My winning word? Cake. So watching all this Team Brontosaurus stuff has left me with a feeling of unfinished business. I should probably eat some cake.
OK I figured it out. Here's what's wrong: the lack of early decision in the Quickfire challenge has completely thrown me off. It's like I started the episode halfway in and have spent the whole time trying to catch up. Listen up, producers. Don't mess with success. Give me guest judge, quickfire, quickfire winner, challenge, judges eating, judges table, elimination. Blam. None of this "Oh Joe Jonas (lame) can't decide, so we're going to go get children to scream really loud and that will help propel us right into the challenge." Except it didn't.
And what's with Katie Lee? Why is she here? Man, I see why she got fired. She's blander than...than...polenta cake? Well, something bland. See? She's so snooze-inducing, I can't even mock.
SIDEBAR #3: If you serve a DiSarrono on the rocks and then put 4 ounces of ginger ale in the glass, then it's no longer a DiSarrono on the rocks. It's a DiSarrono and ginger ale. (Not that anyone in their right mind would actually drink a DiSarrono on the rocks.) Maybe it's time for a new sponsor?
BRONTOSAURUS: I haven't even paid attention to the cooking here. Some sort of fruit in cream, potato gnocchi, and some random argument about plums. And then banana parfait wins? That's the winning dish? Wow. Powerful stuff, guys.
SIDEBAR #4: Oh Gail. They never listen, do they?
T-REX: None of your dishes sound very good. And Glass Ceiling: All Stars is just driving more nails into her coffin. (This is when we ask if fighting is actually helpful - although Tom says it doesn't bother him, you know that Gail is not pleased. She didn't like Tre's aggressive sauce, I guarantee she doesn't like GC:AS's ranting.)
SIDEBAR #5: This is lame. As lame as Katie Lee.
ELIMINATION: What?! Jenn C? The second elimination? Before all the people who are so boring that I can't even muster up nicknames for them? That's just crazy. Nothing about this episode is making me want to watch the rest of the season.
I need some scotch.
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Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Top Chef All Stars: Episode #1
OK, I approach this season with some trepidation. I only watched Seasons 4-6, so there's all these strangers here that I've only seen on random specials. And some of those that I do know, I can't say I've missed. I'll just say it: I'm here for two things: Hootie and Hoo. And, you know, the wine.
OBSERVATION #1: 90% of the cast appears to have made an obvious effort to have a different hairstyle. Except Marcel. And this is the problem. Why does he continue to think that's appropriate, even after all these years. I'm glad my wine rack is fully stocked.
SEASON 1
Pretty Lame For a Self-Proclaimed Villain (Tiffani F.) - Oh ha. You're worried about Elia? You might need to be worried about your friend Stephen. And yourself. Looks like Season 1 isn't the best season after all.
FOH & A Great Dresser (Stephen) - Yeah, I mean that ironically. First of all, let's talk about the fact that you're wearing a tie. Who are you trying to impress? We know how hot it is in that kitchen (thanks TV Guide Behind the Scenes) since the fans make too much noise for the cameras. This, paired with the fact that you look like a pretentious douche, tells me that you're overdressed. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm already on my third glass. Do you see what you people are doing to me?
OBSERVATION #2 - If I have to hear one more person say "Our season was the best season" I am going to throw something.
SEASON 2
DoucheFoam (Marcel) - The smirk that is ALWAYS on your face makes me crazy. I swear, if I had a plate of your foam nonsense I would not be able to stomach it. That's not food.
G. I. Jane (Elia) - Not very tough there, Jane. Come on, you shaved your head way back when. And now you can't even watch the screen? Way to wuss out. Oh, good job on the scale too.
OBSERVATION #3 - Ha! Redoing the dish that sent them home? Brilliant.
SEASON 3
She Who Sabotaged My Hootie Hoo (Casey T) - I refuse to enjoy you in any manner. No.
(Tre) - Eh.
(Dale L.) - Eh.
OBSERVATION #4 - Gail! I know I just finished watching Just Desserts yesterday, but I was already started to miss you.
SEASON 4
(Richard): Keep up the good cooking, Blaise. Although I'm happy Stephanie ultimately won your season, I was still disappointed with your previous choke. But the disqualification was just lame - no more sloppy mistakes!
(Dale T) - I'll just wait till the first time you freak out on everyone to bother.
UTR (Antonia) - Under the radar. Just like last time. Well, whatever works.
Crafty Motherf*cker (Spike): Oh ha. Frozen scallops. You haven't gotten rid of your stupid hats, but I still enjoy your craziness. Maybe you could figure out how to not look like a hobo?
OBSERVATION #5 - Man, I'm spending a lot of time just trying to figure out who is who. There's all these Tiffanys and Dales and...ugh.
SEASON 5
Incomprehensible (Fabio): Nope. Still don't understand anything you're saying. But I can tell you have it out for Bourdain. Get over it Fabio - your food clearly wasn't good. That's why you were a host on the last reunion. Stop arguing. Just stop.
Hootie Hoo (Carla) - You don't blame Casey? I do. Oh Carla, how I've missed having you on my television. Thank you for Hootie Hoo-ing right when you entered the apartment. No peas this time, ok?
Rainbow Scallop (Jamie) - Even with no soup or scallop, you wind up in the top 3? All right then.
OBSERVATION #6 - I can't understand the knot on Stephen's tie.
SEASON 6
Hot Chicks With Douchebags (Mike I) - You were boring today. Eh.
Glass Ceiling (Jen C) - Yeah, I expected you to school everyone (especially Tiffani) too. What happened? Come on.
OBSERVATION #7 - I had really hoped to emerge from this episode without picturing Bourdain getting a colonoscopy. Damn.
SEASON 7
I hear your season was the lamest. So I'm not even going to bother.
ELIMINATED: G.I. Jane. Oh well. That final plea was pretty lame. So you probably deserve it. But we should have known when they showed you being all cocky at the beginning.
NEXT WEEK: Will the elimination of one loser make it easier for me to decipher between all the rest? Will Hootie Hoo come out on top? Will I find the bottom of my bottle? And the most important question: whose cute little ass does Paula Dean want to whoop? Only time will tell.
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OBSERVATION #1: 90% of the cast appears to have made an obvious effort to have a different hairstyle. Except Marcel. And this is the problem. Why does he continue to think that's appropriate, even after all these years. I'm glad my wine rack is fully stocked.
SEASON 1
Pretty Lame For a Self-Proclaimed Villain (Tiffani F.) - Oh ha. You're worried about Elia? You might need to be worried about your friend Stephen. And yourself. Looks like Season 1 isn't the best season after all.
FOH & A Great Dresser (Stephen) - Yeah, I mean that ironically. First of all, let's talk about the fact that you're wearing a tie. Who are you trying to impress? We know how hot it is in that kitchen (thanks TV Guide Behind the Scenes) since the fans make too much noise for the cameras. This, paired with the fact that you look like a pretentious douche, tells me that you're overdressed. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm already on my third glass. Do you see what you people are doing to me?
OBSERVATION #2 - If I have to hear one more person say "Our season was the best season" I am going to throw something.
SEASON 2
DoucheFoam (Marcel) - The smirk that is ALWAYS on your face makes me crazy. I swear, if I had a plate of your foam nonsense I would not be able to stomach it. That's not food.
G. I. Jane (Elia) - Not very tough there, Jane. Come on, you shaved your head way back when. And now you can't even watch the screen? Way to wuss out. Oh, good job on the scale too.
OBSERVATION #3 - Ha! Redoing the dish that sent them home? Brilliant.
SEASON 3
She Who Sabotaged My Hootie Hoo (Casey T) - I refuse to enjoy you in any manner. No.
(Tre) - Eh.
(Dale L.) - Eh.
OBSERVATION #4 - Gail! I know I just finished watching Just Desserts yesterday, but I was already started to miss you.
SEASON 4
(Richard): Keep up the good cooking, Blaise. Although I'm happy Stephanie ultimately won your season, I was still disappointed with your previous choke. But the disqualification was just lame - no more sloppy mistakes!
(Dale T) - I'll just wait till the first time you freak out on everyone to bother.
UTR (Antonia) - Under the radar. Just like last time. Well, whatever works.
Crafty Motherf*cker (Spike): Oh ha. Frozen scallops. You haven't gotten rid of your stupid hats, but I still enjoy your craziness. Maybe you could figure out how to not look like a hobo?
OBSERVATION #5 - Man, I'm spending a lot of time just trying to figure out who is who. There's all these Tiffanys and Dales and...ugh.
SEASON 5
Incomprehensible (Fabio): Nope. Still don't understand anything you're saying. But I can tell you have it out for Bourdain. Get over it Fabio - your food clearly wasn't good. That's why you were a host on the last reunion. Stop arguing. Just stop.
Hootie Hoo (Carla) - You don't blame Casey? I do. Oh Carla, how I've missed having you on my television. Thank you for Hootie Hoo-ing right when you entered the apartment. No peas this time, ok?
Rainbow Scallop (Jamie) - Even with no soup or scallop, you wind up in the top 3? All right then.
OBSERVATION #6 - I can't understand the knot on Stephen's tie.
SEASON 6
Hot Chicks With Douchebags (Mike I) - You were boring today. Eh.
Glass Ceiling (Jen C) - Yeah, I expected you to school everyone (especially Tiffani) too. What happened? Come on.
OBSERVATION #7 - I had really hoped to emerge from this episode without picturing Bourdain getting a colonoscopy. Damn.
SEASON 7
I hear your season was the lamest. So I'm not even going to bother.
ELIMINATED: G.I. Jane. Oh well. That final plea was pretty lame. So you probably deserve it. But we should have known when they showed you being all cocky at the beginning.
NEXT WEEK: Will the elimination of one loser make it easier for me to decipher between all the rest? Will Hootie Hoo come out on top? Will I find the bottom of my bottle? And the most important question: whose cute little ass does Paula Dean want to whoop? Only time will tell.
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