Top Chef All Stars: Episode #2 - Not Right On So Many Levels

Considering that all I've consumed today is chips, salsa, peanut butter balls and malbec, it's been a pretty good Saturday. And you know, I bet the kids would love that stuff at midnight. (Although let's be honest, this malbec isn't going to last until 5pm, let alone midnight.)

And what is Joe Jonas doing here? (Come on Angry Dale, a pastry chef?) I'm sure he's a great judge for something like Star Search Kids, but a cooking - [ed. note - here I actually had a long rant about Joe Jonas and his qualifications and may or may not have used the terms "brat" and "child" and "puberty." But I don't actually have any feelings, positive or negative, about the Jonas Brothers. And he's 21. So...well...there's that. Back to the drinking.] - show? No.

QUICKFIRE: I'm with Rainbow Scallop. Why does everyone have to help with the quickfire? Just because Jonas couldn't make up his mind? Are these teams going to stick around for the challenge? Aren't they uneven? Is someone going home after the quickfire? What's going OOOOONNNNNNNN?!

Sorry. I got a little carried away and whiny. Maybe it's all the children. God, they're loud. And stupid. There's not enough wine in the world to make me want to be in that room with the screaming and the sugar and the Jonas and the screaming. And, you know, the screaming. On a related note, PLFASPV (Tiffani F.) was lucky to score after last week's poor performance.

SIDEBAR #1: Once, I went to a nighttime cocktail party at the Museum of Science and Industry. And we walked around in the dark. While drinking. It was really cool. The moral of this story is that DoucheFoam is right. Screw sleep. Run around the museum.

Why am I so not into this episode? To be honest, I'm focusing more on the strange chef fashion (were those really Pumps I saw, Spike?) and the indifference I feel with so many of these people. Tre. Tiffany. Headband Dale. Angelo. Stephen. I don't care about any of you. At least make me angry about something. I can't even muster some angst for Rainbow and her two stitches. (But I can definitely be annoyed with Incomprehensible and Headband and Antonia telling us how tough they are with their fingers and their forks and their duct tape. Wait. I don't think that's how I intended for that to happen. Oh well.)

SIDEBAR #2: When I was in the first grade spelling bee, I studied really hard. I was all set to spell brontosaurus. It never came up. I still won, but it wasn't satisfying. My winning word? Cake. So watching all this Team Brontosaurus stuff has left me with a feeling of unfinished business. I should probably eat some cake.

OK I figured it out. Here's what's wrong: the lack of early decision in the Quickfire challenge has completely thrown me off. It's like I started the episode halfway in and have spent the whole time trying to catch up. Listen up, producers. Don't mess with success. Give me guest judge, quickfire, quickfire winner, challenge, judges eating, judges table, elimination. Blam. None of this "Oh Joe Jonas (lame) can't decide, so we're going to go get children to scream really loud and that will help propel us right into the challenge." Except it didn't.

And what's with Katie Lee? Why is she here? Man, I see why she got fired. She's blander than...than...polenta cake? Well, something bland. See? She's so snooze-inducing, I can't even mock.

SIDEBAR #3: If you serve a DiSarrono on the rocks and then put 4 ounces of ginger ale in the glass, then it's no longer a DiSarrono on the rocks. It's a DiSarrono and ginger ale. (Not that anyone in their right mind would actually drink a DiSarrono on the rocks.) Maybe it's time for a new sponsor?

BRONTOSAURUS: I haven't even paid attention to the cooking here. Some sort of fruit in cream, potato gnocchi, and some random argument about plums. And then banana parfait wins? That's the winning dish? Wow. Powerful stuff, guys.

SIDEBAR #4: Oh Gail. They never listen, do they?

T-REX: None of your dishes sound very good. And Glass Ceiling: All Stars is just driving more nails into her coffin. (This is when we ask if fighting is actually helpful - although Tom says it doesn't bother him, you know that Gail is not pleased. She didn't like Tre's aggressive sauce, I guarantee she doesn't like GC:AS's ranting.)

SIDEBAR #5: This is lame. As lame as Katie Lee.

ELIMINATION: What?! Jenn C? The second elimination? Before all the people who are so boring that I can't even muster up nicknames for them? That's just crazy. Nothing about this episode is making me want to watch the rest of the season.

I need some scotch.