OK, I approach this season with some trepidation. I only watched Seasons 4-6, so there's all these strangers here that I've only seen on random specials. And some of those that I do know, I can't say I've missed. I'll just say it: I'm here for two things: Hootie and Hoo. And, you know, the wine.
OBSERVATION #1: 90% of the cast appears to have made an obvious effort to have a different hairstyle. Except Marcel. And this is the problem. Why does he continue to think that's appropriate, even after all these years. I'm glad my wine rack is fully stocked.
SEASON 1
Pretty Lame For a Self-Proclaimed Villain (Tiffani F.) - Oh ha. You're worried about Elia? You might need to be worried about your friend Stephen. And yourself. Looks like Season 1 isn't the best season after all.
FOH & A Great Dresser (Stephen) - Yeah, I mean that ironically. First of all, let's talk about the fact that you're wearing a tie. Who are you trying to impress? We know how hot it is in that kitchen (thanks TV Guide Behind the Scenes) since the fans make too much noise for the cameras. This, paired with the fact that you look like a pretentious douche, tells me that you're overdressed. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm already on my third glass. Do you see what you people are doing to me?
OBSERVATION #2 - If I have to hear one more person say "Our season was the best season" I am going to throw something.
SEASON 2
DoucheFoam (Marcel) - The smirk that is ALWAYS on your face makes me crazy. I swear, if I had a plate of your foam nonsense I would not be able to stomach it. That's not food.
G. I. Jane (Elia) - Not very tough there, Jane. Come on, you shaved your head way back when. And now you can't even watch the screen? Way to wuss out. Oh, good job on the scale too.
OBSERVATION #3 - Ha! Redoing the dish that sent them home? Brilliant.
SEASON 3
She Who Sabotaged My Hootie Hoo (Casey T) - I refuse to enjoy you in any manner. No.
(Tre) - Eh.
(Dale L.) - Eh.
OBSERVATION #4 - Gail! I know I just finished watching Just Desserts yesterday, but I was already started to miss you.
SEASON 4
(Richard): Keep up the good cooking, Blaise. Although I'm happy Stephanie ultimately won your season, I was still disappointed with your previous choke. But the disqualification was just lame - no more sloppy mistakes!
(Dale T) - I'll just wait till the first time you freak out on everyone to bother.
UTR (Antonia) - Under the radar. Just like last time. Well, whatever works.
Crafty Motherf*cker (Spike): Oh ha. Frozen scallops. You haven't gotten rid of your stupid hats, but I still enjoy your craziness. Maybe you could figure out how to not look like a hobo?
OBSERVATION #5 - Man, I'm spending a lot of time just trying to figure out who is who. There's all these Tiffanys and Dales and...ugh.
SEASON 5
Incomprehensible (Fabio): Nope. Still don't understand anything you're saying. But I can tell you have it out for Bourdain. Get over it Fabio - your food clearly wasn't good. That's why you were a host on the last reunion. Stop arguing. Just stop.
Hootie Hoo (Carla) - You don't blame Casey? I do. Oh Carla, how I've missed having you on my television. Thank you for Hootie Hoo-ing right when you entered the apartment. No peas this time, ok?
Rainbow Scallop (Jamie) - Even with no soup or scallop, you wind up in the top 3? All right then.
OBSERVATION #6 - I can't understand the knot on Stephen's tie.
SEASON 6
Hot Chicks With Douchebags (Mike I) - You were boring today. Eh.
Glass Ceiling (Jen C) - Yeah, I expected you to school everyone (especially Tiffani) too. What happened? Come on.
OBSERVATION #7 - I had really hoped to emerge from this episode without picturing Bourdain getting a colonoscopy. Damn.
SEASON 7
I hear your season was the lamest. So I'm not even going to bother.
ELIMINATED: G.I. Jane. Oh well. That final plea was pretty lame. So you probably deserve it. But we should have known when they showed you being all cocky at the beginning.
NEXT WEEK: Will the elimination of one loser make it easier for me to decipher between all the rest? Will Hootie Hoo come out on top? Will I find the bottom of my bottle? And the most important question: whose cute little ass does Paula Dean want to whoop? Only time will tell.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
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I've only seen Seasons 2-5 because one day Comcast decided they wanted to charge me for it, so I've missed Seasons 6-7. I suddenly have Bravo again and the DVR is set, so I look forward to following along with your commentary! I am lovin' the Hootie once again and Episode 2's elimination was AWESOME. Interested to hear what you think about that one. As of right now, I'm gonna go with Blaise for the win.
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