Top Chef All Stars: Episode #3 - Not Half Bad. Not Half Good Either.

I probably shouldn't watch episodes 2 and 3 back to back (especially after the madness of Jenn C's elimination), but if they don't bring me back fast, I'm out for the season. There's a lot on the line here. And it's not going to be easy in an episode with Wylie Dufresne on the judges' panel. Man, that guy makes me mad. Get a haircut.

It seems like we're back on track with the schedule this week. And Hootie Hoo gave me a cheer, so we're starting off on the right foot.

QUICKFIRE: I had to rewind and watch the explanation again (because I was busy looking up how to spell Dufresne) and I'm glad I did. This challenge rules. (Kind of a cop-out for two teams to rock a lamb carpaccio, but I suppose they didn't have much choice.) Even if the food didn't look especially good, it was still worth it for the comedy. Especially funny that the Green Team was in the bottom, even after winning the prep section. Ha. Looks like Tight Pants isn't so awesome after all.

OBSERVATION #1: Do we think the producers realized just how lame last week's episode was? Is that why they've raised the stakes here? I love the concept of two people going home. Love it.

Woo! I also love how Tight Pants and Wide Knot are really emerging as the douches of the group. Wide Knot especially. We all know he's not a chef. He's a glorified host. And what's with the white blazer? Come on. I'd rather you had an addiction to cocaine - at least you'd be more of a wildcard.

SIDEBAR #1: Does anyone else miss Seth from TC: Just Desserts? He would be crazyland in this show. Especially with all the knives around.

On an unrelated note, I don't think I could handle a cocktail featuring a small fish. I would worry that A) it was looking at me the whole time and B) it was actually swimming in vodka, which I would later have to drink. I'll do a lot for vodka, but I don't know if I could actually do that.

Hootie Hoo is using the nitrogen? Beautiful. Don't let me down, lady.

OBSERVATION #2: Ugh. Where's Gail? Who's this chick?

TEAM MAREA: I don't know what most of these words mean. Can you make a panna cotta out of mushroom? Or a vinaigrette out of prosciutto? The onion is in the shape of a squid? I don't understand what's going on here at all.

OBSERVATION #3: I'm so sure Padma is hailing her own cab.

TEAM MA PECHE: White chocolate with fish? That's not ballsy, Tight Pants. That's gross. I don't care what Faux-Gail thinks. Here's the best part of this group: "I just have a very difficult time trying to figure out Fabio's dish." Ha! You and me both, Tom.

TEAM TOWNHOUSE: Popcorn! A scallop that's not a scallop! And Rainbow throws caution to the wind and makes a soup! (Yes, I understand that's her thing. If it's not scallops, it's soup. But I'm trying to stay positive here.)

SIDEBAR #2: In the interest of staying positive, I will bring up how happy I am to not see Toby Young any more. Man, that guy sucked.

TEAM WD50: Ew. All of this stuff looks gross. Even my Hootie Hoo. As expected, DoucheFoam made something appropriately both douchey and foamy. But I'm as surprised as the judges that he wasn't douchier and foamier.

TOP 4: UTR, Tight Pants, Angry Dale and Biceps. Sure, why not? I still don't like Angry, but his dish looked somehow the least disgusting of the four at WD50, so I guess he deserved it. At least they didn't award that white chocolate nonsense. Tight Pants, indeed.

BOTTOM 4: Incomprehensible, PLFASPV, Wide Knot and Headband. Well, I've been waiting for two of them to go home for two weeks now...but I'm not sure the judges will agree. Incomprehensible is annoying, but he's good for comedy, especially when he yells at Bourdain. Headband is too jazz-handsy for my liking, but I don't need him to leave. In a perfect world it would be PLFASPV and Wide Knot.

ELIMINATION: But I think we all know it's not a perfect world. I suppose I should be happy to finally get rid of Wide Knot, but this is definitely a bittersweet victory. Is it enough to get me totally back on the bandwagon? No. But I'll keep at it. After all, my wine would be lonely if I didn't.