The More Things Change (Top Chef: Episode 8 recap)

Yeah, I fell asleep again. But this time I woke up and watched the rest of the episode. So here we are.

OBSERVATION #1: Thank god we opened this episode showing what I'm sure is stock "Keanu getting dressed" footage. It's like we're back in episode one.

Debbie/Jersey/Deviled: Speaking of episode #1, She Who Cannot Be Nicknamed royally sucked again, even when attempting to prepare her signature dish: cooked meat. Personally, I feel bad for Debbie: I had really grown to like her Jersey ways. But this is one instance that TC is so much like Idol. If the people can't figure out who you are as a chef, you're going to get Gina Glocksen-ed right out of the competition. (She was even wearing a New York Native t-shirt, when we all know she's from Jersey. How can you expect us to know you, if you don't know yourself? God, I'm deep this morning.)

OBSERVATION #2: Special love to Padma for sticking up for Debbie with her petulant "She CAN cook" directed at one cranky Brit. "I thought we agreed to judge them on each individual competition." Shut up dumbass. If you're going to judge them fairly each week, don't make broad generalizations like "She can't cook." I miss you, Gayle.

Hootie Hoo!: Oh thank you, Hootie, for coming back. Thank you for your resounding Hoo Hoo!! when Team Chicken won the challenge. And thank you for making the exact same pastry (with special guest Thyme!) that you did weeks ago. (Intelligently done? From Hootie? I'm thinking it was just the way she harnessed all the negative energy - there's nothing intelligent about this bunch.) I'm feeling nostalgic for the beginning of the season already. Or maybe that's because back in the good old days of positive temperatures, I wasn't wearing two pairs of pants.

Fabio: I going to have to stop listening to you talk. The way you don't make anything plural really upsets me. You are not about to "Cook for the farmer." They're farmerS. Just throw an S at the end of the word and you're speaking proper English. Your only saving grace is that I do love how you've come to accept the fact that everyone calls Melonhead your boyfriend. Hilarious. It's like an episode of Boy Meets Boy Meets Lesbian up here.

OBSERVATION #3: Why is there so much hate for "The Heavy Hand of Pesto?"

Canned Crab: If you'd spend less time making googly eyes, maybe you would realize that it's still warm out while you're filming. Grilled lamb (just like DD suggested) would have been totally seasonal. And maybe you would have realized that pounding the lamb into submission was not the best plan. Ganging up on DD is not the way to make me root for you.

Rainbow Brite: Sigh. I can't believe you made soup. Again. Do you know how to do anything except soup and scallops? Any time you try something else we wind up with a mushy bruschetta (and stop saying it like you're from Italy. Just pronounce it brush-etta like everyone else.)

OBSERVATION #4: Was anyone else really hoping that they were going to have to kill and butcher their own animals? Maybe I was feeling a little bloodthirsty last night. Or maybe I wanted something to liven up this incredibly dull season. You know, something that doesn't involve people making out on a couch.

Keanu: I'm going to transcribe my notes word for word, for I can't even be bothered to give you full sentences: Shirt. Snob - pallet of trash? Fish Sauce. Ew. Friend Green Tomatoes. Good movie, better book. "Conk" or "Conch"? And that's all you get today.

T*ts McGoo: Boooooo. Boooooooo. I cannot believe you threw Debbie under the bus. You totally tied all those rolls and they looked like crap. You're still here because the producers came in during Judges' Table and told Padma that she had to keep you because you had a good (?) storyline. I bet Padma also negotiated a rasie in her contract for following those directions, because she does not like you. No one likes you except Canned Crab, and that's not saying much. Booooooo.

OBSERVATION #5: Why does Bravo allow someone to sit there and say the word "Cock" over and over? He's talking about a rooster in the same way that Hooters is talking about owls. Dirty.

India: I love that someone on Team Pork actually had the balls to say "We're not going to cook anything Indian." Which is probably why you didn't do anything. I can imagine you standing next to Fabio and Keanu with your bag of curry with pleading eyes like those labrador puppies someone supposedly rescued from the road (hoax, by the way - check snopes.com). "Now? Can I put the curry in now? Huh? Can I?"

Melonhead: I think it's the creepy way you hold your cigarette (and Bravo only shows you doing that because you're European - this allows housewives in Springfield to feel better about themselves because they quit smoking last year and you heathens are still at it) that makes me dislike you so. Or the way you still clearly have it bad for Rainbow, who makes it very obvious that SHE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. Actually, it's probably because you're bald. There's too much damn bald on this show. Thank god for Keanu and Fabio.

OBSERVATION #6: I'm sure the producers enjoyed Toby's "I would have full blown unprotected sex, maybe even go to first base with that pork." Are bases different in England, because I'm confused. Or maybe it's just foreshadowing to my next observation:

OBSERVATION #7: Before we get all "Real World: Third Time's a Charm in New York," let's pint out that CC was wearing an I Heart Padma t-shirt at the top of the show. Does Padma see that kind of thing, or is it always hidden underneath the chef's jacket in some sort of Feng Shui concealed intentions sort of way? More importantly, why does Bravo keep hinting at the eventual downfall of CC and T*ts' real-life relationships (like they haven't already done it - but next week they'll go to first base!)? Why does T*ts call CC her "buddy?" Was the first word of that nickname edited out? The cooking is clearly so poor this season that we're reduced to this.

If I wanted relationship drama (featuring the T-Mobile Sidekick!!) I'd be watching Tool Academy. And if it were Sunday, you can bet that's exactly what I'd be doing.