The Bland Leading the Bland (Top Chef: Episode 7 recap)

Those of you in the theatre know what it means to be in tech week. For this week's episode, it meant that I spent three days starting to watch this episode at 11:30pm and then falling asleep midway through the Quickfire judging. And on those days I wasn't at rehearsal, I was busy getting drunk. (To be fair, I was also drunk on some of the days I did have rehearsal. Ah, theatre.)

But I digress. Just like Bravo's crazy rerun schedule, this recap will appear right before the next recap. And if I really wanted to Bravo it up, maybe I'll post the next note sixteen times over the next week. Or maybe not.

OBSERVATION #1: Why do chefs have so much attitude about desserts? It can't be that hard to make a soup, no matter what Rainbow Brite tells you. But to make a chocolate cake that makes me cry? That's an impressive feat. Suck it up team, and realize that people like dessert. We do not like, however, things with Swiss chard. Or dikon.

Jersey Girl: Damn if you didn't make me thirsty for Dr. Pepper in your QF. But what's a skatewing? Fish don't have wings. Don't start making up food to impress the judges. And if you would stick to one theme, it would make it a lot easier for me to give you a nickname that sticks. Thanks in advance.

Hootie Hoo!: You had me scared, Hootie. I need you and your jazz hands to stick around until at least the top four. I enjoy a nice gremolata as much as the next guy, but pea risotto? No one likes peas. Peas are what you leave on the plate and hide under the rest of your mashed potatoes when you're six and your mom wants you to clean your plate or no dessert for you. I'm 31. Don't make me relive those times. I can have dessert whenever I want now.

OBSERVATION #2: If I were a pastry chef, I would be very happy. And fat. Jean Christophe is neither of these things, which concerns me. Come on man, how about one smile?

Fabio: Don't blame your Quickfire loss on being Italian. Blame it on you being obnoxious.

Samebird: I can't believe you're STILL sticking by last week's dish. No one liked it. Let it go. I also wrote something like "Top Pog? Oh?" in my notes, but I no longer know what that means. Well, you're gone, so it doesn't matter much now anyway, does it?

OBSERVATION #3: I miss Stephanie. It's good to see her - but why is that dude wearing a big yellow hat? Does he think that Steph is Curious George? Does he think he's that one dude from last season who always wore questionable headgear? I don't know what to think of you...and I'm pretty sure Stephanie is not convinced about you either.

Canned Crab: Wow, I wrote down nothing about you. Where are the wistful looks and the sidelong glances? Stop boring me. Give me some drama.

Rainbow Brite: Top Scallop. I love that we were able to use the same quotes from Fabio from last week's episode. BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT! STOP COOKING SCALLOPS! Sorry. I got excited. I do not care that RB finally won. And if I see her go to the cooler and pull out a bag of scallops one more time, I will do something.

OBSERVATION #4: I like that Padma is rocking the scar again. When it finally stops snowing, I'm going to start wearing sleeveless shirts all the time to show mine off, too. And with the condition that it has to stop snowing, I probably won't need to hit up the Hollister store any time soon.

Keanu: You really like sorbet, don't you? I'm skeptical about this whole avocado thing, but I'll go with it because I like ice cream.

T*ts McGoo: All I have for you is a thank you for making strawberries with balsamic. I love balsamic. Put that stuff with some vanilla ice cream, and we're set.

OBSERVATION #5: I was right. Toby Young is a douche. I think he says mean things just to be funny and get attention. And then, as I type that, I look in the mirror. Hm. My hair looks nice today.

Bangs: I was all set to call this Top Scarf or Top Sunglasses, but then you went and made fish tacos. Fish Tacos. (Which are so boring, they're probably a good metaphor for your personality, but I've ruined it by spelling that out. Oh well.) They sell those at Chilis. And while I like Chilis, I do not think their food belongs on Top Chef. So it's probably good that you're gone. Go and have a Presidente and some chips and tacos, and you'll feel better.

India: The problem is that I keep confusing you with the Indian chick from Next Food Network Star. And she was lame. So I kind of think you're lame too. Step it up and stop cooking Indian things.

OBSERVATION #6: Did anyone wonder if Padma and JC were really going to lift all that sugar? I was kind of sad to see them roll it away on a cart. Sigh.

Melonhead: Man, you're not fooling anyone, least of all Jean Christophe. We know you're not French. We know you're not from California. You're starting to sound like James Taylor - always whining about where you're going and where you've been and never satisfied with where you are (and if any of you are JT fans, I don't want to hear it - that dude is lame).

OBSERVATION #7: Technically, I need to be writing another recap right now. So instead of proofreading this one, I'm going to go with Bravo's editing technique and just post it now. How's that for bold?