It's a Good Thing (Top Chef: Episode 6 recap)

I was right. Taking notes took so much time that my vodka got warm. That could also be due to the fact that my heat was off for the last 24 hours, and when it kicked back on this afternoon, my landlord decided to make things tropical. You know, so I'd forget the fact that I'm wearing two pairs of pants and huddling next to a space heater all day. Whatev. I threw some lemonade and an umbrella in the vodka and pretended it was summer. (And I have no idea what half these notes mean. By the end it was mostly "Oh Natasha" over and over again.)

OBSERVATION #1: When Canned Crab whipped out his T-Mobile Sidekick, I got very excited. Here we go. The call to the girlfriend. "I just don’t know what’s going on right now. I really need to focus on the competition." And then he had to go and ruin it with the whole dad/cancer thing. Luckily, he managed to shift his focus back to T*ts' rack by the end of the episode. At least we can count on some things.

Deviled Eggs: I can't keep calling you DD. Stop winning challenges! Especially when you fool Martha with your lack of butter and knack for pureeing things. That had to cut Rainbow the deepest – purees are hers. And if I have to hear her whine about coming in second to you one more time...wait. I made an idle threat last week. Damn. Um...way to make deviled eggs when you have immunity. My grandma could do that.

Olive Oil: Oh Hootie. I love that your mind doesn't compute. It makes you wonderful. But mushrooms were almost your downfall last week – why did you bust them out tonight? (Did anyone else know that Richard Scarry died? Like before I graduated from high school. That makes me sad. The things we didn't realize when we didn't have the internet.) I love that Lowly knows Kenneth Cole by sight, but I don’t know what she's talking about with his shoes. The only pair I had went straight into the trash after my first month at the hotel. Oh, did I tell anyone that I don't work at the hotel anymore? That means that I no longer care what Grant Achatz thinks of me.

OBSERVATION #2: Wouldn't it have made mores sense to do this challenge when there were 12 contestants left? I'm just saying – I feel sorry for the four calling birds – Padma should have popped in to sing the missing line in the musical interlude. Or Gail. (I miss you Gail!) Oh well. At least we didn't have to watch anyone trying to get some action by making potholder pants. T*ts can fill that void with her threatened violence later on.

Fabio: Did you just backtalk Martha? You know she watches the show, right? She's going to hear what you said and you'll never work in this town again! And don't offer her your hand. You wait until Martha offers a hand to you. Psh. Europeans.

Samebird: Man, you have too many tattoos. It almost scares me into not making fun of you. Luckily, I've had enough vodka that I think I could probably kick your ass, so I'm going to go ahead. Did you learn nothing with Chops last week? Even Natasha knows that when Tom tells you your dish is bad...stop standing by it! And while we're at it, stop reminding us that you used to be a dishwasher. The only thing the Bennigan's dishwashers were good for was teaching me how to say "no bueno" when something was bad. That's what I say to your food. No bueno.

OBSERVATION #3: I pick them in the summertime. I love chanterelle mushrooms. It's so January. We go diving for them in Maine. You thickened this. Oh, cornstarch? God, you don't mess with Martha. But I wish she'd told someone that their dish was a good thing.

Canned Crab: You lucked out that everyone helped you with your dish. (So did India.) That's why the judges decided to host Top Chef Gives Back: The Jordin Sparks Edition and not send anyone home. But the truth is that your pork is the only thing that looked good enough that I actually wanted to taste it, so I'm glad you won. (Note to all chefs: You seriously need to stop putting splooges - that was for you, Erin - of things on my plate; no one wants to eat that nonsense.)

Rainbow Brite: Fabio stole my thunder in the previews for next week. Seriously – just stick to pureeing things and stop giving everyone raw scallops. Notice that when Padma asked if you really thought scallops said "Christmas", Martha didn't exactly agree with you. She said they were "January." Christmas is in December. In a week. And I haven't done any shopping yet. Man, I'm screwed.

OBSERVATION #4: I don't know what was more distracting: the big flower on the choir leader's head (how did it stay there?) or the annoying Aaron Neville wannabe who would not stop singing.

Keanu: Duuuuude. You know how you could have gotten all the ribbons? Take off your shirt. That big chick was practically begging you to.

T*ts McGoo: I love that you wanted to beat up the chick that was flirting with your boyfriend, ahem, friend. Right. I forgot. That's what friends do. If this show were about cock-blocking and lame canapés, you would win. (Thank you Microsoft word for automatically putting an accent in the word canapé.)

OBSERVATION #5: Where is this restaurant that is serving $100 bills on plates? Do they have a happy hour? Because I will go there every night.

Bangs: Thank god you retired that hat. But then you made a dish that made people who like cheese say there was too much cheese. That actually made me throw up a little in my mouth. Yes, it's true. I don't like cheese. Traumatic childhood memories that I won't talk about, so don't even bother with your incredulous comments. It's not like I'm the only one in the world.

India: Don't think you snuck that curry by us unnoticed. One of the guests ratted you out with her love of your Indian spices. And while we're on the subject of the guests, I have to say this – what a bunch of freaks. I saw more mohawks and pink bobs than at my last theatre party. Oh wait – Cheyenne Jackson was there. I guess this was just a theatre party – except richer. And apparently that means that you have to wear your red and white striped hoodie with your red velvet jacket. (Look dude, you're not going to get the attention that you're looking for when Natasha is practically falling out of her dress.)

OBSERVATION #6: Let's point out the fact that most times when a challenge involves catering for 250 people (not 300, Lowly – but I love you for rounding up) the chefs are in teams. I'm glad Tom noticed that. Do I think they should have sent someone home? Yes. But they had good reason not to. It was September, after all. Merry Christmas!

Melonhead: I'll just put it out there. Europeans are weird. My favorite moment of the entire episode was when Padma said "Stefan, this is Martha." Because I really wasn't sure if either Melon or Fabio had any idea who she was (I actually wasn't sure about Keanu either, but that has less to do with European-ness and more to do with Point Break-ness.) But I digress. You had no idea that your pot pie would look like a drum, did you? You certainly didn't mention it the whole time. But as soon as the guest judge (who was that again? I couldn't see her past all of Natasha's cleavage; apparently she's written some sort of book?) said something about it, you jumped right on the bandwagon like that's what you had planned the whole time.

OBSERVATION #7: If they were going to Give Back and not vote anyone out this week, I wish they'd at least gotten Kelly Clarkson to perform. Good news - Idol starts in less than a month!

OBSERVATION #8: Previews for next week. Awesome. Top Scallops. It tastes like catfood. Gail? Gail??! I can't wait.