Hot Dogs? Really? (Top Chef: Episode 2 recap)

OBSERVATION #1: I can safely say that I never want to see a hot dog being made again. Although none of them actually made a hot dog (can you consider a sausage to be a hot dog?), there's something really creepy about squeezing meat into a tube of plastic. That quickfire was lame. But not as lame as Jill. Her rice paper nonsense looked like what Asian moms make for their third grader, right when they come home from their genius school to watch Yu-Gi-Oh! and practice the piano. While doing math. And maybe titrating some sort of chemical reaction.

Again, in alphabetical order of their real names.

Madras (Alex): We didn't see much of you this episode, but what we did see, I did not care for. The hat is in your headshot. Please do not wear it on the show. Additionally your combination of army green capris and yellow sneakers may have eluded some viewers eyes, but not mine. You're going to be my fashion albatross for this show, I can tell.

Jersey Girl (Ariane): Staggering. Much like the J.Lo/Ben Affleck disaster, you continue to disappoint. And you do it with a whine in your voice that grates on my nerves more than Miss Cleo's constant childlike wonder. Don't like baking? Don't have a sweet tooth? Maybe you shouldn't join the dessert team. Although the douches in the restaurant clearly posess heads too large for any chef's hat, you don't deserve to be here. And you got lucky. Really lucky. Way to not suck the absolute most two weeks in a row.

Miss Cleo (Carla): You're lucky I (and the judges) like pie, because that sad little piece of cheese could have been your downfall. But I don't know how much longer I can handle your many multi-colored do-rags. Or your crazy eyes. I'm concerned that you might hypnotize me into watching infomercials at three in the morning, and I just
don't have that kind of time.

Chops (Danny): Still no offense, aside from the weird chops/beard combo. I'll give you a bye this week.

OBSERVATION #2: I could see in a brief flash as the group was about to leave the house that someone was wearing flip flops. I find this as inappropriate in a kitchen as I do a scene shop, but I am often outvoted. I can honestly say that I was distracted for about 1/3 of this episode trying to find the offending party. Damn you Bravo, and your speedy camera work!

Fabio (dude, your actual name is a nickname): Seriously, what language are you speaking? And I like how you say the Europeans are even. I'm pretty sure the other dude is still one up on you. Way to jump down the judges throats for no reason. Your foreign angst probably scared them into giving you the prize.

Little Rock (Gene): I was going to give you a bye, but don't think that I didn't notice you wearing a towel on your head like a turban. And if that wasn't a towel, but an actual hat? Well, then we're going to have some problems.

Canned Crab (Hosea): This is one of those times that you really wish you could taste what they're making (not that I like crab anyway - I would have ordered...actually none of the apps looked good, so I would have just hung out at the bar for a while, until the entree arrived). I love that even after they told 3/6 people their food was good, he still thought he had a chance to win. Way to be deluded, man.

Rainbow Brite (Jamie): You know what they say about soups being really hard on this show. Personally, I don't get it, but it always seems to work when someone pulls it off.

OBSERVATION #3: How many people said "I make this all the time in my restaurant, and people love it"? Even if you do decide to play it safe, why do you all keep broadcasting it to everyone? This is clearly a creative group. And smart.

Keanu (Jeff): Duuuuude. Way to get out your notebook and get everyone organized. That obviously took a lot of work. You're clearly going to be the Bravo eye candy of this season, considering that we're two for two episodes of seeing you without your shirt.

Goose Egg (Jill): Last week my only comment for you was "Who?" That has changed to "Wow." I've never seen anyone suck so royally for an entire episode. Way to save Jersey from certain death. The fact that you look like a poor man's Anne Hathaway does nothing to redeem your obviously poor cooking.

Leah: Yep. Still don't like you. Especially if your story line is going to be a romance with CC. Dude got to the couch first. Don't push him because you want to sit there too. There's plenty of room. Or better yet, go sit somewhere else. Off camera. The EW recapper called you eye candy (anyone agree?). If that's true, maybe I should start calling you Lemonhead.

Bangs (Melissa): Bye week.

India (Radhika): Oh. My. Sweet. Lord. Did you really bust out the India again? I don't care if it won you the challenge. You weren't going to be the Indian girl who cooks only Indian food. Remember? YOU SAID IT YOURSELF! Ugh. You're making me type in all caps. You make me embarrassed to be a Chicagoan.

GAY!!! (Richard): Bye week. Clearly the editors decided there was enough rainbow fun on the premiere to last us for two episodes.

OBSERVATION #4: What's with the scar on Padma's right arm? I feel like I've read something about this, but I'm too lazy this morning to look it up. I appreciate that she doesn't try to cover it up. Maybe next summer I should rock lots of tank tops so everyone can see my broken wing scar.

The Swedish Chef (Stefan): I know you're not actually Swedish, but I think this every time I look at you, so until someone else comes up with a better name, I'm sticking to it. And apparently that's all I have to say about you this week.