Better Late Than Never (Top Chef: Episode 5 recap)

Sometimes one's thirst is just too strong to ignore. And when you've had the week I've had, you don't even try. So we all have to wait for a nice Sunday morning when the wind chill is 28 degrees outside and rather than going out to put antifreeze in my car, I decide to settle down to a nice episode of Top Chef.

OBSERVATION #1: OK, Bravo, we get it. You have it bad for Keanu. But this new trend of showing us the chefs outside of the kitchen is really grating on my nerves. And not in a good cooking sort of way.

OBSERVATION #2: Padma's inexplicable pigtails have forced me to abandon my usual intermittent observations and plunge right into this one. What are you thinking, Padma? Why do you look like an ad for Old Navy? This is like that scene in Cruel Intentions when Reese Witherspoon is sitting on her bed in white pajamas and Ryan Phillipe comes in while she's putting her hair in pigtails and realizes that he's really in love with her, but he can't do anything about it, because of his bet with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Actually, it's nothing like that, but the pigtails are the same (well, similar), and that's the most important thing right now.

Debbie (Ariane): Apparently all Debbie is good for is cooking meat. It doesn't have to look pretty - her job is to stand by the oven and watch the lamb. Or turkey. Or tomatoes. Wait, what was I saying?

Hootie Hoo! (Carla): Oh Lowly, thank you for the gift you have given us. Thank you for your hootie, and your hoo and your idea that mole sauce might have peanut butter in it. Come on woman, I want you to stick around - you're too much comedy gold - but even I know that mole is made from chocolate. But you got a bum rap with your salad. No one wants to be happily eating a salad (if that's possible) only to find that their plate has been spiked with mushrooms. And the mushrooms can make you really sick during your 9th grade choir concert, especially if you're also taking migraine medicine. Either that, or I just fell asleep and woke up in the middle of an episode of House. They both feature a floppy-haired Dr. Chase, so it's an easy mistake to make.

OBSERVATION #3: I enjoy the bracket challenge nature of this quickfire. It gets me all ready for March Madness. When is the season finale again? Thank god for Tivo and Bravo's habit of rerunning every episode at least 27 times.

Chops (Daniel): Dude, your facial hair has kept one of your feet out the door this entire time. You know what pushed you out the rest of the way? Arguing with everyone that your food was good. I know everyone is always all "Stand by your dish!" (which would sound better if sung, but again, I digress) but when all of the judges are telling you how bad it was, at some point shouldn't a little bit of reality sink in? Can't you just admit that maybe, just maybe, your food wasn't as awesome as you think it is? Then again, maybe your barber also tells you that your beard looks stupid, and clearly you don't listen to him. The only thing more embarrassing than your colossal failure in the kitchen was your need to do barbell flies on the balcony while talking to Samebird about the whole "let them make their own sushi" plan.

Fabio: I'm pretty sure green and yellow don't make blue. (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.) Then again, maybe that's not what you said. I like how all the ladies clapped for you, even though they have no idea what you're talking about. What have we learned here, kids? Accents go a long way. Did you see the picture of his wife?

Samebird (Gene): Oh good lord. Hindsight bias: maybe cooking school wouldn't have been such a bad idea.

OBSERVATION #4: I'll admit to not really being able to discern the difference between the two bald finalists in the Quickfire. Or was that just me?

Canned Crab (Hosea): You have a girlfriend? And T*ts has a boyfriend? I've seen Real World - I know how this is going to shake down. One of you is going to make a phone call to your significant other (which we'll probably see, courtesy of Bravo's asinine relationship mini-sodes) and tell her that you're really confused, and you love her, but you just don't know. And then you'll cry. Then, feeling guilty, you'll go into T*ts' room and cuddle up with her under the covers. Where it goes from there is strictly Big Brother territory. Please, Bravo, don't stoop that low. Oh. Good job on guessing the thai basil and stuff.

Rainbow Brite (Jamie): If you don't stop whining about never winning and always coming in second, I am going to hit you in the head with a soup spoon. That's right. A soup spoon. Because maybe if you would just stop pureeing things FOR EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE the judges might be more impressed with you. Haven't you noticed that Debbie keeps winning? The judges like meat. Not mush.

Keanu (Jeff): Duuude. It was clearly not crab in the bouillabaisse. That's why it's called Shrimp and Lobster Bouillabaisse. Can't you read the writing at the bottom of the screen? (Yes, I know that was only there for our benefit, but we've already covered his weekly shirtless montage and I don't have anything to say about tomatoes.)

OBSERVATION #5: The head editor of Food & Wine magazine is way too thin (and don't get me started on those bangs). She's clearly the type of person who tastes wine and then spits it into the bucket. What's the point of that? You know Gail just tosses 'em back and asks for more.

T8ts McGoo (Leah): Your boyfriend is not going to be pleased with you when you get home. In addition to your Canned Crab dalliances (just friends, my ass) you let yourself get sweet-talked by Fabio's Chilean Sea Bass plan. If we'd spent more time watching your team cook, I guarantee we would have seen you flip your hair.

Bangs (Melissa): This week you should be called backwards trucker hat, but I'm going to pretend I didn't see it. I have to think that we saw your regular stupid hair, because if I let myself believe that you seriously wore that idiotic hat (BACKWARDS!) for the entire episode, I will gouge my eyes out.

OBSERVATION #6: I was looking forward to a nice Gail-centric episode. But then she had to get all mushy and talk about how much she loves all her strong independent lady friends. I could practically hear Beyonce in the background. Sadly, someone liked it and put a ring on it, so she'll be leaving soon for what I can only assume will be a huge Padma-hosted wedding, catered by Tom. Followed by a honeymoon where she will eat nothing but Twinkies and shrimp cocktails. Come on, her inner sorority girl has to come out sometime, right? We'll miss you Gail.

India (Radhika): Would you just own up to the fact that all you know how to do is make Indian food? I don't care either way. Just be self aware, please.

The Swedish Chef (Stefan): Does someone need to explain lesbians to SC? It's not like they turn straight when you get them drunk. Or make pants for their stuffed animals out of a pot holder. You are seriously out of control this week. Why do you get so riled up about a tomato? And "Douchey-Hosea"? Boo. Leave the nicknames to me.

OBSERVATION #7: Let's talk food for a moment. Wilted Kale does not sound appetizing. And what the hell is a Swiss Chard? Because if it doesn't have to be opened with a corkscrew, I'm not interested.