Not Very Amuse-ing (Top Chef: Episode 4 recap)

My friend Tom thinks it would be more beneficial for me to write books or plays or sitcoms instead of watching and recapping Top Chef. But I don't have that kind of discipline, and besides, I'm pretty sure it would seriously cut into my drinking time. If I write for too long, I get distracted and the ice in my scotch gets melty.

On that note:

OBSERVATION #1: If I were the judges I would be knocking back serious wine at dinner. I need to see some reactions, and alcohol has to be the best way to force them to stop standing there passively saying "mmmm" before moving on. I appreciate chefs who make something so unsavory that the judges spit out the food. Maybe the producers of Real World could come in and shake things up. Picture it: Padma tries ham and egg soup, does a shot of tequila off Gayle's neck and then jumps naked into the pool.

Madras (Alex): Are you kidding me? When you were getting dressed right at the top of the show, I thought maybe the plaid well had run dry. After all, how much beachwear can one man own without also owning a yacht? Clearly I was wrong. I was going to give you a pass when the hat reappeared, because I was at least prepared for it. But you hurt me, Alex, with the appearance of the madras clamdiggers at the Whole Foods (not to mention the green sock fiasco - seriously, you're a complete disaster - I shudder to think about what you're wearing at the wedding which you won't stop talking about). And while we're on the subject, why do half the chefs appear to favor pants that are too short? We made fun of those kids in grade school, but now highwaters are fashionable and/or functional? Don't give me this nonsense about how they have to run around all the time and they don't want to trip on their cuffs. Do you see me rolling up the legs of my suit pants?

Debbie Downer (Ariane): Debbie, I don't quite know what to do with you. I refuse to call you a cougar or the hot old lady. And I'm pretty sure that DD is still lurking beneath the surface of all the winning. Don't make me start to like you. Then I'll just be mad about the first two weeks, and I'm not letting go of that grudge.

Lowly Worm (Carla): As many have cleverly noted, Carla bears a strong resemblance to a Richard Scarry illustration. Never more so than when her hair is down (and flat!) like it was tonight. And as she did virtually nothing tonight except scream when DD won the elimination challenge, I look forward to next week's low pigtails look and perhaps yet another nickname.

OBSERVATION #2: Last season, I instantly liked Richard and Stephanie and knew that I wanted one of them to win. I don't feel that way about anyone this season. Does anyone else feel that way?

Chops (Danny): Looks like last week was just a semi-stubbley phase, because the chops were out in full force tonight. Has anyone ever had a zucchini flower? They creep me out...even more so when encased in corn flakes, not unlike a cocoon. I think Chops' on-camera work would be more at home on the Food Network, perhaps co-starring with Guy Fieri or Michael Symon. And perhaps I watch too much food based
programming.

Fabio: You are incomprehensible to me in a so many ways, I barely know where to start. Let's just sad that I'm disappointed you didn't get to be on the Today show, because watching Kathie Lee try to understand what you say would have been comedy gold. Interesting use of delayed self-awareness when you realized that when Rocco tells you to use bacon in something, maybe you shouldn't make a dessert.

Little Rock (Gene): Bye week.

Canned Crab (Hosea): This isn't Survivor, dude. An alliance with T*ts isn't going to help you. I might have given you a bye if we hadn't been treated to yet another Bravo mini-sode masquerading as a return from the commercial break.

Rainbow Brite (Jamie): Don't worry about that raw egg. Way to really pull out the Lisa tonight. Folding her arms and scowling certainly worked for her, so why not? You're now the token angry lesbian chef, who is doomed to live in the bottom three for the next six weeks. Keep wearing that rainbow bracelet (and t-shirt - why no mention of that in your confessional about how you're the strongest member of Team Rainbow?) and you'll rock your way to the finals.

OBSERVATION #3: Rocco Dispirito really missed his calling as a cooking competition judge. Meredith Viera did not. Come on, Mer. Don't tell everyone that you don't like watermelon. Just don't take any. You know that Padma doesn't eat everything they put in front of her.

Keanu (Jeff): Duuuuuuuuuuuude. What's with the jerk this week? What did you call the Today ladies? A bunch of old women with unsophisticated palettes? (Or something like that - taking notes would require me to put down my scotch.) Meredith and Kathie Lee could buy and sell you fifty times - I'm pretty sure they go to fancy restaurants with some frequency. They didn't like your food because it was weird, not because it was beyond their taste. You know how they shot you "lifting weights"? (And what were those, hoss, 3 pounders?) Remember your place on Bravo. Andy Cohen doesn't really care to hear you talk.

T*ts McGoo (Leah): Oooh. Two Quickfire wins in a row. You're quite the rockstar. Until we see you cozying up to CC with all the subtlety of a freshman waiting to get asked to homecoming. I know you're the Lohan of the season, but I wonder if you would have been worse off than Madras if you hadn't had the immunity? Put on a plaid hat next week and let's find out. Clearly acting superior about your amuse-bouche fortitude is only going to get you so far.

Bangs (Melissa): Wow. That was...wow. I thought you were going to be comic relief with dancing to the Foos. But...wow. Not funny anymore. If you were a lesbian, you'd give Jamie a run for her money.

OBSERVATION #4: Was last season this cliquey? I don't remember it being quite so middle school. Next they're going to start having rainbow parties and playing the pass out game (note to whoever I was talking to at dinner - the other name is "suffocation roulette").

India (Radhika): I swear I was just waiting for you to tell us that you put curry in those potato things. Thank you for not doing it. Or if you did, thank you for not sharing.

The Swedish Chef (Stefan): Why did he keep saying he was from California? Isn't the whole point that he's from Europe? You can have it both ways, man. I'll let it slide this week, but let's not let it happen again.

OBSERVATION #5: I could go for an amuse-bouche right now.