Thanksgiving Leftovers (Top Chef: Episode 3 recap)

I just finished eating a plate of warmed up ham, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and apple pie. And it dawned on me that I hadn't yet passed judgment on last week's crap-tastic Top Chef. As always, chefs are in alphabetical order, based on their real first names.

Madras (Alex): Are you kidding me with this? I thought at some point you'd give us an episode where you don't look like an extra from CSI: Miami, but clearly I was wrong. Exactly how many plaid items do you own? Stop. Please, just stop.

Debbie Downer (Ariane): A much better nickname coined by the EW recap readers. (Thanks kids.) DD, I'm glad that you could rise to the occasion, much like the ready button in your turkey. You're still whiny, but I don't dislike you nearly as much as some other people.

Miss Cleo (Carla): Good lord woman. You're like Madras with all of your do-rags. And what's with making a pie for two challenges? That's not the way to win the judges over. Don't you remember? They like soup.

OBSERVATION #1: I may live in Chicago, but I have no love for Grant Achatz. He seems like a pretentious ass. I'm guessing that they didn't show him talk about his least favorite soups (product placement!) because he was downright rude to most of the cast and told them all that they sucked. You know what, Grant? Your restaurant is overpriced and annoying - just like you.

Chops (Danny): I'm glad you shaved (somewhat), but I'm still mad at you. I think it's your fault that Richard is gone. I haven't figured out how you did it yet, but I'm blaming you.

Fabio: I don't like tiramisu, but one of my friends is a server at the restaurant I went to last week, and he gave us a free one. I can only say that it was damn yummy. And that's not something I thought I'd ever say about tiramisu. So Wednesday was just a good night for tiramisu. Way to jump on the bandwagon, Fabs.

Little Rock (Gene): Major points for the impromptu grill. But that's all I got for you this week.

OBSERVATION #2: My favorite moment of the episode was when Padma exclaimed "I like ham and egg soup!" Her childlike wonder, clearly stolen from Miss Cleo, must be the result of all the food she seems to want to spit back out. She's reverted to a five-year-old, and based on Padma's resume, she is probably just as qualified as she was before.

Canned Crab (Hosea): Now that Chops has cut back, I can focus my anger on your facial hair. I think you should probably wear a hairnet on that thing. Or maybe it's just because your girlfriend T*ts McGoo is so unsavory that I am forced to dislike you as well. I think you're harmless and won't last five more episodes, but I've been wrong (ahem, Lisa) before.

OBSERVATION #3: Didn't they film this in the summer? Why are they pretending it's Thanksgiving in New York when it's clearly boiling outside? Do they really think Bravo watchers are that stupid? (Wait - they love the Real Housewives of Countless Cities - never mind.)

Rainbow Brite (Jamie): I feel bad for Rainbow. She should have won the quickfire. After all, she's the queen of soup. No one likes white asparagus, so why reward T*ts with immunity? If RB had won, Richard would have been on her team, and we wouldn't be in this situation.

Keanu (Jeff): Duuude. Enough with the spreadsheets. If I hear you talk about organizing your team one more time, I'm going to get out my label maker and stick the word "lame" to your forehead. And way to not pony up and admit that you were the leader of your team. They weren't throwing you under the bus, they were complimenting you. I think someone should cut his bangs in the middle of the night. Seems like something CC should do to make T*ts laugh.

T*ts McGoo (Leah): Speaking of, you're really unpleasant. But if everyone is going to talk about your rack (how can you see it under those chef jackets?) then I suppose I'll give you a chest-related nickname. I'm not giving you anything else today, because I don't like white asparagus and I don't like you.

OBSERVATION #4: I'm actually listening to the Foo Fighters right now, and they rule. I would have enjoyed that concert. But not if I had to see all the chefs dancing.

Bangs (Melissa): Yes, when I talk about the dancing, I'm talking about you.

India (Radhika): You totally put curry in your vegan stuffing didn't you? Well after my mom's stuffing, made with apples, cranberries and most importantly, ITALIAN SAUSAGE, I cannot agree with any stuffing made sans meat. Way to annoy me without even being on camera this week.

OBSERVATION #5: Wouldn't it have been nicer to let the losing team go to the concert but make them sit up in the nosebleed section? It's not like Team Sexy Pants (what?) won by a landslide. The producers might as well have let everyone see the Foos, but being non-jerky isn't the Bravo way.

GAY!!!! (Richard): I'm sad. But why did you keep calling those things smores? You know what a smore is, right? You were my favorite, but I love desserts, and I don't think I would have loved those banana things. Why did you put all your eggs into a slightly warmed graham cracker basket? I can make those things myself. You should have grabbed some liquid nitrogen and frozen the stupid bananas like you wanted to in the first place.

The Swedish Chef (Stefan): It has now been almost a week since I watched this episode, so I have forgotten pretty much everything about you. Oh well.

OBSERVATION #6: Seriously, this Foo Fighters album is great. Y'all should pick it up.