I suppose the magic couldn't last forever. But I have to admit that at the end of this twist-filled season, we'd get one last shocker.
No such luck. Unless you count a 16-year-old propositioning a man twice her age shocking. And if she weren't giggling like she was trying to ask someone to the Sadie Hawkins dance, it might have been. Instead it was just ... well, cute isn't the word. Still REID!!! managed to play it off nicely.
If anything was shocking it was the way that the man formerly known as Lametown (REID!!!) came off as poised and witty, even in the wake of heartbreak. (I've been waiting to use that phrase for weeks now.) Anyone else really want to know what his fantasy suite question was?
I'm going out of order. That's because I've never hidden my distaste for KPTN and his nonsense. And he didn't disappoint, because that was the most boring ten minutes of my life. So boring that I'm going to ignore the whole thing, you know, aside from the obvious untucked button down/jeans ensemble. (Come on dude, branch out.)
Having REID!!! around clearly made less time for questions, which is probably a good thing. But I'm glad we had time for those last two. Because the only real highlight of this otherwise dull epilogue was Chris telling JHo to pipe down while he grilled Mr. Potato Ed about his heinous green shorts. Oh Chris - I think I'll miss you most of all.
And MPE clearly improved his game, as evidenced by JHo's giddy response to the second question, relating to their boudoir antics. Oh MPE. If you hadn't worn those godforsaken shorts so many times, we never even would have questioned your masculinity. But the fact that JHo is pink with barely contained glee when discussing your relations has assured us that maybe you really were just exhausted and sunburnt before.
SIDEBAR #1 - You know what helps? Covering up a bit more. The lower thigh is very susceptible to sunburn. Try some board shorts - not your apparently new tiny blue madness which makes me visibly cringe whenever I think about it.
And finally, thank you Jillian for closing the night out with "I swore right before getting proposed to? Classy."
Yes. Yes, you are.
And that's it for Bachelorette 5, kids. Tune in August 20th and 21st for recaps of the new seasons of Top Chef and Project Runway. And maybe I'll throw in some Next Food Network or Design Star during the interim. Or maybe I'll just sit back with some sangria. We'll see.
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Happy, Then Disappointed and Then Realize That I Am Out of Wine
OK kids, this is it. Are you ready for the big day? Has two weeks of anticipation made it that much more exciting? (Yes, I know the Men Tell All nonsense was on in between, but I am not wasting my time with that trash. I fast forwarded through most of it - there's a reason Jill got rid of these dudes: most of them are douches.)
But now we're down to the final two (three!) and unless we have a green mankini sighting, this episode should rock. Let's get down to business.
7:00 - Previously on...oh great. There are the godforsaken green shorts. Mr. Potato Ed (has anyone else noticed that his head is shaped like a potato? Or a peanut?), you make me crazy.
7:09 - OK, I'm bored.
7:11 - MPE is awfully liberal with his use of "Peg" and "Glen." They're not your in-laws yet, man. Show some respect.
7:13 - Uh oh. Coconut bras + MPE+ Glen = Disaster. (And I'm only halfway into my first glass.) Glen, I expected better from you.
7:18 - "My family is a lot like your family...just like super easy-going..." Wait, what? Let's think back to your at-home visit with Mrs. KPTN. It wasn't so easy going. And she wasn't so nice. Do you really want to compare your mom to that harpy?
7:19 - Stop kissing. Has anyone else noticed that KTPN pushes his head toward Jillian's face at an alarming velocity?
7:20 - Uh, Jillian? You saw your parents yesterday. Do you squeal like that every time you're in the same room, or are you trying to give KPTN the same experience you gave MPE?
7:22 - MPE, your stupid career is going to blow this for you.
7:24 - Interesting. JHo just said having KPTN around her parents was like "having my boyfriend hanging out with my family." But earlier she said that MPE leaving was like "saying goodbye to my fiancee."
7:25 - Oh good god, enough with the kissing.
7:29 - Come on Reid, knock on the door. Where are you?
7:31 - OK, Glen likes MPE (probably because of his willingness to dance in a coconut bra), but Peg likes KPTN. Purely based on physicality, I'm sure.
7:33 - Right before the commercial break - this is a perfect time for a Reid sighting...and another glass.
7:34 - Damn.
7:37 - Oh come on MPE. Another tank top with contrasting trim? Was there a special at Old Navy? I'll let it slide, as long as you don't break out those damn shorts.
7:38 - Surprise. Another helicopter. They must be a major sponsor.
7:42 - Gah! Not the mankini!
7:44 - See what happens, MPE? You make me chug the rest of my wine. Jerk.
7:45 - I've also discovered some rach dressing in the fridge, next to my wine bottle. This will go perfectly with the crackers I am eating for dinner.
7:47 - Shoot. I forgot to record Dating in the Dark. Has anyone seen it? Is it good?
7:50 - Holy 8 pack, KPTN. I think I'd be scared to be sitting on a surfboard and paddling. The canoe I rode in a river last week was scary enough. But I suppose with all those abs controlling the paddle, it's probably ok.
7:53 - Well OK, when you put it like that, KPTN, it seems pretty stupid not to choose you. Hell, I'd probably choose you too, although that could just be because I'm on my third glass of wine in less than an hour. (note - in hindsight, I no longer remember what was actually said - I can't be expected to quote things while drinking - but it was good stuff.)
7:55 - Another editor comparison. When the lights turn out with MPE, we get a shot of molten lava. When the lights go out for KPTN, we get a shot of blue ocean waves. Hmm. What are you trying to tell me? And where is Reid?!
7:59 - Oh JHo - maybe you should have hit the makeup chair before pretending to roll out of bed.
8:00 - Good. I was worried there wouldn't be enough montages.
8:02 - Man those are some ugly rings. But here's a question. Which one went first? Do they both get the same options? What if the first guy who chooses gets the obvious best ring and the second guy is left with duds? And if they get the same choices, what if they both choose the same ring? How does all this work? And how did my glass get empty again so quickly?
8:05 - Ok, we get it. KPTN has a better body than Chicago Doughboy Mr. Potato Ed. We like our food here. And it's cold most of the time, so we're not hitting the ocean every single day like some people.
8:07 - This would be the perfect place for a Reid teaser. I swear, if this is another DeAnna "make the right choice" moment, I am going to be pissed.
8:12 - Seriously?! A no for KPTN? I thought he had this in the bag...
8:18 - OK, that was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad.
8:25 - REID!!!
8:26 - Way to dress up man. Yes, I'm wearing the same outfit (minus the blazer) but I'm sitting in my living room and you're proposing. See the distinction?
8:29 - REID!!!!!
8:30 - Sorry, I got excited. Jillian, don't get my hopes up...
8:32 - No! Don't go think about it! Just do it! Say yes!
8:40 - Shut up Chris. Stop being wise. "Because you know." Whatever.
8:43 - Boooooooooooooo.
8:46 - I can't believe he had to be rejected and take the sad limo to the airport. Twice.
8:48 - Yes Reid, it was too late. But at least you can say that you told her how you feel. That's better than the position you were in last week.
8:49 - "Ed better not f*cking disappoint me." Oh JHo. You make me smile.
8:56 - Wait, is MPE quoting an Air Supply song?
8:57 - Whatever it is, it's making me well up. Or it could be the fact that my wine bottle is empty.
8:58 - OK, it was my second wine bottle that is empty. Don't judge me.
8:59 - And there go JHo's legs, around MPE's waist. You can take the girl out of the country...
9:00 - One last montage. Who is this singing? It would have been awesome if it were Wes's crappy song.
9:01 - And scene. Let me hit the wine store, and I'll see you tomorrow for After the Rose.
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But now we're down to the final two (three!) and unless we have a green mankini sighting, this episode should rock. Let's get down to business.
7:00 - Previously on...oh great. There are the godforsaken green shorts. Mr. Potato Ed (has anyone else noticed that his head is shaped like a potato? Or a peanut?), you make me crazy.
7:09 - OK, I'm bored.
7:11 - MPE is awfully liberal with his use of "Peg" and "Glen." They're not your in-laws yet, man. Show some respect.
7:13 - Uh oh. Coconut bras + MPE+ Glen = Disaster. (And I'm only halfway into my first glass.) Glen, I expected better from you.
7:18 - "My family is a lot like your family...just like super easy-going..." Wait, what? Let's think back to your at-home visit with Mrs. KPTN. It wasn't so easy going. And she wasn't so nice. Do you really want to compare your mom to that harpy?
7:19 - Stop kissing. Has anyone else noticed that KTPN pushes his head toward Jillian's face at an alarming velocity?
7:20 - Uh, Jillian? You saw your parents yesterday. Do you squeal like that every time you're in the same room, or are you trying to give KPTN the same experience you gave MPE?
7:22 - MPE, your stupid career is going to blow this for you.
7:24 - Interesting. JHo just said having KPTN around her parents was like "having my boyfriend hanging out with my family." But earlier she said that MPE leaving was like "saying goodbye to my fiancee."
7:25 - Oh good god, enough with the kissing.
7:29 - Come on Reid, knock on the door. Where are you?
7:31 - OK, Glen likes MPE (probably because of his willingness to dance in a coconut bra), but Peg likes KPTN. Purely based on physicality, I'm sure.
7:33 - Right before the commercial break - this is a perfect time for a Reid sighting...and another glass.
7:34 - Damn.
7:37 - Oh come on MPE. Another tank top with contrasting trim? Was there a special at Old Navy? I'll let it slide, as long as you don't break out those damn shorts.
7:38 - Surprise. Another helicopter. They must be a major sponsor.
7:42 - Gah! Not the mankini!
7:44 - See what happens, MPE? You make me chug the rest of my wine. Jerk.
7:45 - I've also discovered some rach dressing in the fridge, next to my wine bottle. This will go perfectly with the crackers I am eating for dinner.
7:47 - Shoot. I forgot to record Dating in the Dark. Has anyone seen it? Is it good?
7:50 - Holy 8 pack, KPTN. I think I'd be scared to be sitting on a surfboard and paddling. The canoe I rode in a river last week was scary enough. But I suppose with all those abs controlling the paddle, it's probably ok.
7:53 - Well OK, when you put it like that, KPTN, it seems pretty stupid not to choose you. Hell, I'd probably choose you too, although that could just be because I'm on my third glass of wine in less than an hour. (note - in hindsight, I no longer remember what was actually said - I can't be expected to quote things while drinking - but it was good stuff.)
7:55 - Another editor comparison. When the lights turn out with MPE, we get a shot of molten lava. When the lights go out for KPTN, we get a shot of blue ocean waves. Hmm. What are you trying to tell me? And where is Reid?!
7:59 - Oh JHo - maybe you should have hit the makeup chair before pretending to roll out of bed.
8:00 - Good. I was worried there wouldn't be enough montages.
8:02 - Man those are some ugly rings. But here's a question. Which one went first? Do they both get the same options? What if the first guy who chooses gets the obvious best ring and the second guy is left with duds? And if they get the same choices, what if they both choose the same ring? How does all this work? And how did my glass get empty again so quickly?
8:05 - Ok, we get it. KPTN has a better body than Chicago Doughboy Mr. Potato Ed. We like our food here. And it's cold most of the time, so we're not hitting the ocean every single day like some people.
8:07 - This would be the perfect place for a Reid teaser. I swear, if this is another DeAnna "make the right choice" moment, I am going to be pissed.
8:12 - Seriously?! A no for KPTN? I thought he had this in the bag...
8:18 - OK, that was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad.
8:25 - REID!!!
8:26 - Way to dress up man. Yes, I'm wearing the same outfit (minus the blazer) but I'm sitting in my living room and you're proposing. See the distinction?
8:29 - REID!!!!!
8:30 - Sorry, I got excited. Jillian, don't get my hopes up...
8:32 - No! Don't go think about it! Just do it! Say yes!
8:40 - Shut up Chris. Stop being wise. "Because you know." Whatever.
8:43 - Boooooooooooooo.
8:46 - I can't believe he had to be rejected and take the sad limo to the airport. Twice.
8:48 - Yes Reid, it was too late. But at least you can say that you told her how you feel. That's better than the position you were in last week.
8:49 - "Ed better not f*cking disappoint me." Oh JHo. You make me smile.
8:56 - Wait, is MPE quoting an Air Supply song?
8:57 - Whatever it is, it's making me well up. Or it could be the fact that my wine bottle is empty.
8:58 - OK, it was my second wine bottle that is empty. Don't judge me.
8:59 - And there go JHo's legs, around MPE's waist. You can take the girl out of the country...
9:00 - One last montage. Who is this singing? It would have been awesome if it were Wes's crappy song.
9:01 - And scene. Let me hit the wine store, and I'll see you tomorrow for After the Rose.
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Thursday, July 16, 2009
Top Chef 6: Starting Off on the Wrong Foot
In an unprecedented display of poor judgment, Top Chef has announced that Toby Young (last season's lame Simon Cowell-esque attempt at a Gail stand-in) will be returning as one of the judges. (Don't worry, Padma, Gail! and Tom will still be there, too.) I know he says he learned from Tom last season, but I still hope that we'll have a few more withering glances and directed comments from Tom in our future. That's the only thing that is going to make this tolerable. (Premiere - August 19th)
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Realize That Things Are Not Going To Work Out the Way I Want Them To, Giving Me a Case of Writer's Block
Here's the problem. The excessive amounts of wine, combined with a week's worth of speculation and theorizing, make Monday nights both a cathartic and stressful experience. I swear, all I've dreamed about this week was Jillian and her three ring circus, much like the monotonous dreams I have when I've played too much Minesweeper.
Maybe that's because these dates are going just how we thought they would (with a few exceptions).
KPTN: Cargo shorts, t-shirt, white shoes. The Bachelorette - clearly sponsored by J. Crew and Nike. And so we begin the third date where Jillian puts on a harness and hangs from a rope, and the second date in a row where KPTN's package is highlighted. Although it was fairly amusing watching KPTN fall all over himself on the rope challenges, things took a really annoying turn during the Leap of Faith scene.
SIDEBAR #1: Is that really what it's called, or did the highly skilled writers see an opportunity for metaphor?
When the inevitable make-out session begins, all I can look at are KPTN's shoes. Man, those things are white. And I can't help but wonder if they're more comfortable than my own Nike Shox. And why they weren't more helpful on the tightrope, because there is a noticeable groove on the sole. And then the sun sets, leaving me to wonder if things are already finished.
Nope. It's time to break out the untucked shirt (Hawaiian style!) for dinner. Wait. Is he wearing flops to dinner? Flop flop flop. Yup. That's a really attractive sound. That's it, KPTN, you've officially made me angry. So much that I'm going to ignore your entire dinner, while I go open another bottle of wine.
And then the card from Chris magically appears (from under a napkin!) inviting KPTN and JHo to the fantasy suite. And they take it. And just when I think that all the package foreshadowing might give me the outcome I've been praying for, we cut to commercial.
Lame.
Speaking of...LAMETOWN: OK Player, you've really grown on me in the past couple of weeks. Don't let me down. The wardrobe department certainly doesn't, because you're wearing the prerequisite cargo shorts, t-shirt and white shoes, although instead of athletic KPTN shoes, Lametown goes for the more understated canvas variety. (Lest you think I'm judging, I'm wearing the exact same outfit at the moment. But I'm pretty sure none of the clothes on this show came from Kohl's.)
I digress. I don't see any special event for this date. What are they going to do? "Make out," proclaims LT. Right. Sorry man, here comes the helicopter.
SIDEBAR #2: What is with Jillian and the helicopters? Wasn't she in one with Jason last season? This has to be at least the fourth one this year. Don't even get me started on the ordained pilot.
Let's point out that post-date/pre-dinner makeout time does not last into the sunset like it did with KPTN. This does not bode well. Neither does the untucked island shirt. Come on wardrobe - mix it up in the evenings! (I'm going to regret saying that later.)
OK, here's what I have to say to LT: Stop telling the cameras that you love her. Don't you realize that she's waiting for you to say it to her? Or even something close to it? Stop your hemming and hawing with every single question. And if you say that it's hard for you to talk about your feelings one more time, I'm going to put on a periwinkle jacket with an aqua shirt. That's how much it annoys me.
And then the overnight card. I sit, holding my breath, praying that we don't see the upcoming "it happens to every guy" scene. No - just a (naked?) bathtub scene where LT gets bubbles in his wine. Oh LT.
SIDEBAR #3: Why can't I come up with a better name for Ed? I blame the three weeks that he was missing. That's prime mocking time. Now it's too close to the end to really get my creative juices going. (And by "juices" I mean "mixers". I don't like to drink vodka on the rocks in the summer.)
CHICAGO ED: OK, I see the cargo shorts, but what is with the Old Navy contrast trim tank top? And the flops? Where are the athletic shoes? I know you're going to be on a boat and everything, but come on.
Hold the phone. What is going on here? What are those green shorts? Is the second part of this date at a circuit party in Boystown? No one that tall should be wearing shorts that short. (Fast foward to the credits clip - mankini? No. Bad. Stoppit.)
But let's look at the rest of the Ed facts.
1. Ed flew his parents in. That's more than Melissa did last season. (A phone call? Yeah, that's sufficient.)
2. Ed's parents are adorably midwestern. Love it. ("What the hell are we doing here, Ed?")
3. In addition to rocking the capris, Ed's mom is nothing but nice. That's more than we can say for KPTN's mom.
4. Ed's dad welled up when he was talking to JHo. And he probably doesn't know anything about hottubs. That's more than we can say for KPTN's dad.
5. Ed is still wearing those stupid shorts, and his parents have not said anything about them. At least not on camera. You can't get nicer than that.
6. Ed is really laying it all out on the line. And I'm not talking about the shorts.
SIDEBAR #5: I can't get beyond those things. Please wardrobe - fix it.
THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: At first, I was confused. JHo says "we're both exhausted" and it looks like Ed just fell asleep. Let's rewind and watch again. Yes. It's clear that "nothing" happened. But I don't know why I don't feel the joy I was hoping for. Maybe because I really wanted it to be KPTN. (What's sad about this moment is that the best part was the lights turning off, the romantic shots of ocean and trees and then as the thunder claps, the lights flip back on.) I somehow feel cheated. But probably not as much as Jillian does.
RECAP WITH CHRIS: And just in case I thought it was all about sleep, now things are crystal clear. I love how many delicate prime-time network ways there are to say "couldn't get it up."
But what is that? It's the L Word in a video letter. Way to pony up, Ed. After some more non-committal nonsense from KPTN and more hemming and hawing from LT, you now look like the only real deal - except you may need a prescription for Viagra. What is Jillian to do?!
ROSE CEREMONY: Well, if were based purely on wardrobe, Jillian should cut him loose. And fast.
SIDEBAR #6: Dear Stylist, I'm sorry for the the harsh words earlier. If you promise to get KPTN a suit that fits and if you promise NEVER TO PUT ED (OR ANYONE ELSE) IN AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT AGAIN, I will forgive you. And I will give you the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the season. And maybe next season too. Warm regards, Me.
I sit, hopeful...and then my hopes are dashed. First rose to KPTN? Really? Ugh. It was the stupid Leap of Faith that did it, wasn't it?
Well now we know how it's going to go...Jillian wouldn't really send someone home because he couldn't perform in bed, right? Even though he's wearing a suit that's not fit for a barbershop quartet? Sigh.
I'll miss you, LT. I really thought you had a fighting chance.
NEXT WEEK: I can't decide if this is going to be really, really good...or really, really bad. I usually fast forward through the recap shows, but I'm going to give it a chance. And maybe even finish the recap in a timely fashion.
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Maybe that's because these dates are going just how we thought they would (with a few exceptions).
KPTN: Cargo shorts, t-shirt, white shoes. The Bachelorette - clearly sponsored by J. Crew and Nike. And so we begin the third date where Jillian puts on a harness and hangs from a rope, and the second date in a row where KPTN's package is highlighted. Although it was fairly amusing watching KPTN fall all over himself on the rope challenges, things took a really annoying turn during the Leap of Faith scene.
SIDEBAR #1: Is that really what it's called, or did the highly skilled writers see an opportunity for metaphor?
When the inevitable make-out session begins, all I can look at are KPTN's shoes. Man, those things are white. And I can't help but wonder if they're more comfortable than my own Nike Shox. And why they weren't more helpful on the tightrope, because there is a noticeable groove on the sole. And then the sun sets, leaving me to wonder if things are already finished.
Nope. It's time to break out the untucked shirt (Hawaiian style!) for dinner. Wait. Is he wearing flops to dinner? Flop flop flop. Yup. That's a really attractive sound. That's it, KPTN, you've officially made me angry. So much that I'm going to ignore your entire dinner, while I go open another bottle of wine.
And then the card from Chris magically appears (from under a napkin!) inviting KPTN and JHo to the fantasy suite. And they take it. And just when I think that all the package foreshadowing might give me the outcome I've been praying for, we cut to commercial.
Lame.
Speaking of...LAMETOWN: OK Player, you've really grown on me in the past couple of weeks. Don't let me down. The wardrobe department certainly doesn't, because you're wearing the prerequisite cargo shorts, t-shirt and white shoes, although instead of athletic KPTN shoes, Lametown goes for the more understated canvas variety. (Lest you think I'm judging, I'm wearing the exact same outfit at the moment. But I'm pretty sure none of the clothes on this show came from Kohl's.)
I digress. I don't see any special event for this date. What are they going to do? "Make out," proclaims LT. Right. Sorry man, here comes the helicopter.
SIDEBAR #2: What is with Jillian and the helicopters? Wasn't she in one with Jason last season? This has to be at least the fourth one this year. Don't even get me started on the ordained pilot.
Let's point out that post-date/pre-dinner makeout time does not last into the sunset like it did with KPTN. This does not bode well. Neither does the untucked island shirt. Come on wardrobe - mix it up in the evenings! (I'm going to regret saying that later.)
OK, here's what I have to say to LT: Stop telling the cameras that you love her. Don't you realize that she's waiting for you to say it to her? Or even something close to it? Stop your hemming and hawing with every single question. And if you say that it's hard for you to talk about your feelings one more time, I'm going to put on a periwinkle jacket with an aqua shirt. That's how much it annoys me.
And then the overnight card. I sit, holding my breath, praying that we don't see the upcoming "it happens to every guy" scene. No - just a (naked?) bathtub scene where LT gets bubbles in his wine. Oh LT.
SIDEBAR #3: Why can't I come up with a better name for Ed? I blame the three weeks that he was missing. That's prime mocking time. Now it's too close to the end to really get my creative juices going. (And by "juices" I mean "mixers". I don't like to drink vodka on the rocks in the summer.)
CHICAGO ED: OK, I see the cargo shorts, but what is with the Old Navy contrast trim tank top? And the flops? Where are the athletic shoes? I know you're going to be on a boat and everything, but come on.
Hold the phone. What is going on here? What are those green shorts? Is the second part of this date at a circuit party in Boystown? No one that tall should be wearing shorts that short. (Fast foward to the credits clip - mankini? No. Bad. Stoppit.)
But let's look at the rest of the Ed facts.
1. Ed flew his parents in. That's more than Melissa did last season. (A phone call? Yeah, that's sufficient.)
2. Ed's parents are adorably midwestern. Love it. ("What the hell are we doing here, Ed?")
3. In addition to rocking the capris, Ed's mom is nothing but nice. That's more than we can say for KPTN's mom.
4. Ed's dad welled up when he was talking to JHo. And he probably doesn't know anything about hottubs. That's more than we can say for KPTN's dad.
5. Ed is still wearing those stupid shorts, and his parents have not said anything about them. At least not on camera. You can't get nicer than that.
6. Ed is really laying it all out on the line. And I'm not talking about the shorts.
SIDEBAR #5: I can't get beyond those things. Please wardrobe - fix it.
THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: At first, I was confused. JHo says "we're both exhausted" and it looks like Ed just fell asleep. Let's rewind and watch again. Yes. It's clear that "nothing" happened. But I don't know why I don't feel the joy I was hoping for. Maybe because I really wanted it to be KPTN. (What's sad about this moment is that the best part was the lights turning off, the romantic shots of ocean and trees and then as the thunder claps, the lights flip back on.) I somehow feel cheated. But probably not as much as Jillian does.
RECAP WITH CHRIS: And just in case I thought it was all about sleep, now things are crystal clear. I love how many delicate prime-time network ways there are to say "couldn't get it up."
But what is that? It's the L Word in a video letter. Way to pony up, Ed. After some more non-committal nonsense from KPTN and more hemming and hawing from LT, you now look like the only real deal - except you may need a prescription for Viagra. What is Jillian to do?!
ROSE CEREMONY: Well, if were based purely on wardrobe, Jillian should cut him loose. And fast.
SIDEBAR #6: Dear Stylist, I'm sorry for the the harsh words earlier. If you promise to get KPTN a suit that fits and if you promise NEVER TO PUT ED (OR ANYONE ELSE) IN AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT AGAIN, I will forgive you. And I will give you the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the season. And maybe next season too. Warm regards, Me.
I sit, hopeful...and then my hopes are dashed. First rose to KPTN? Really? Ugh. It was the stupid Leap of Faith that did it, wasn't it?
Well now we know how it's going to go...Jillian wouldn't really send someone home because he couldn't perform in bed, right? Even though he's wearing a suit that's not fit for a barbershop quartet? Sigh.
I'll miss you, LT. I really thought you had a fighting chance.
NEXT WEEK: I can't decide if this is going to be really, really good...or really, really bad. I usually fast forward through the recap shows, but I'm going to give it a chance. And maybe even finish the recap in a timely fashion.
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which Jillian Shows Unprecedented Restraint and Clarity
Oh children. I threw my arms in the air in triumph/amazement so many times last night, I think I sprained something. (Don't worry - I'm still able to hold a glass.) The only way I could have been happier with this week's episode is if it had also featured the impending "it happens to every guy" scene.
KPTN
Day: Wow, way to lay it all out on the line. You're pretty much promising that you're not going to propose. Did you forget the point of this show? You're supposed to get down on one knee, then spend the next three months talking on the phone and never seeing your fiancée, then you appear on TV and in US Weekly as a happy new couple before you break up and spread the news to your fans via Facebook. And then Mary and Byron will get in another domestic squabble, but I understand - that's not something you can really control.
Sorry - back to the date. Flamenco? Really? As an avid castanets player, I support this endeavor, but it becomes clear very, very quickly that although she "loves to dance", JHo has zero rhythm. Notice how the camera shifts every time she starts to move into the frame while clapping? Sad. But the real question here is, with the later reveal that the zipper would not go up on KPTN's pants, did he just leave his fly down the whole time and hope that the sash covered it? Awkward.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. When did this become an episode of Survivor? KPTN, if you don't want to eat the escargot (thanks Jillian, for bringing up the slugs in your Canadian backyard) you don't have to. But it's clearly a turn-on (creepy) when JHo says you remind her of her dad. I would say something about the look of hope/lust in your eyes when Chris's letter arrives immediately after, but your style of cuddling makes me uncomfortable, so I'm going to skip it.
LAMETOWN
Day: You know Lame, I think I've been unnecessarily hard on you. Yes, you're kind of boring, and yes you're all about the hemming and the hawing ("You smell good?" Is that really what you wanted to say?), but when you get down to it, I can tell you're falling for JHo. Either that or you're frightened at the massive unopened jar of olives sitting on the table behind her head.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. Awkwardly saying everything except "I love you," check. But JHo might actually get a proposal out of this one, so she's playing it safe. (Cue the crestfallen look on our suitor.) Just more making out at the table.
CHICAGO ED
Day: What. Is. With. All. The. Kissing? Seriously? In the fountain? America doesn't need you kids breaking trespassing laws just so you can get a good shot of making out in the water. Do you see those people staring at you? They're just trying to decide which one of them should call the police.
Anyway - Is anyone else wondering how Ed suddenly got the go-ahead to come back to the show? And has he always been billed as a technology "consultant"? Is this a new job? And if it's not, why did he previously have a boss that could tell him what to do? All the consultants I know work from the beach and laugh on their way to the bank. And apparently go to karaoke. (If he had taken her to Trader Todd's, I would have immediately given him cool points, but I have a feeling it would have been Howl at the Moon. Oh well.) All of that notwithstanding, Ed doesn't get that Jillian is asking him to tell her that she's a priority. Come on, Ed. Give her what she wants.
Oh right. What she wants is your tongue down her throat. Check.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Wait. What's with the jacket, Ed? They don't sell stuff like that in Chicago. But what's this? You can see them being together for a long, long time? It's not those three little words, but it's close enough. Because somehow when the room key arrives, Jillian's plans are thwarted when Ed convinces her to "hang out" in the fantasy suite. Way to work it, Ed - even if you did make my eyes roll with your "You're my favorite part about Spain" line.
THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY DOUCHEBAG: I have to admit, I spent this whole section of the show not breathing. I didn't want to believe that the producers would lead us astray with the whole "my girlfriend, ahem, ex-girlfriend" bit. And they did not disappoint. This date was magical from beginning (TGIACDB informing us that since he had a song from his "second" cd go to number one in Mexico, he appreciates Spanish people - awesome) to end ("Let's skip it" - more awesome). (Except for the spilling of the beer - bad form.) Personally, my favorite part was when the card from Chris arrived and TGIACDB actually said "I think we should, actually." If I hadn't just refilled, I would have jumped off the couch in incredulosity. Oh Jillian. Thank you for not beating around the bush and being polite. I know I've said it once, but it bears repeating: "Let's skip it." Winning.
SIDEBAR #1 - Where the hell is Chris this week? I forsee disaster.
ROSE CEREMONY: TGIACDB, can you just wear a regular suit like everyone else? Why do you make me sing that "One of these things is not like the other" song every week? Oh well - it fits right in with Jillian's Bjork-esque bird outfit.
Wow. DB is really going for broke. Planning on having lots of sex, are you? Hot. I really thought one of the other guys might haul off and punch him. And maybe someone did - seems like the kind of thing that might be saved for the Men Tell All special.
SIDEBAR #2 - Wait! How do we know this is the last rose? Chris, where are you?
Ha. It's nice to make KPTN wait until the end. Oh the suspense!
SIDEBAR #3 - See? No one told DB to say his goodbyes, and chaos ensues. Chris is clearly the glue that holds this train wreck together.
TGIACDB'S LIMO RANT: Wow. Just...wow. The scotch makes you sloppy. Enjoy your Austin groupies. And your Mexican fans. Whom I'm sure can all be found in Spain.
NEXT WEEK: With DB gone, there's no more drama. I swear, if we don't get the "Trouble in Paradise" scene next week, I will be really riled up.
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KPTN
Day: Wow, way to lay it all out on the line. You're pretty much promising that you're not going to propose. Did you forget the point of this show? You're supposed to get down on one knee, then spend the next three months talking on the phone and never seeing your fiancée, then you appear on TV and in US Weekly as a happy new couple before you break up and spread the news to your fans via Facebook. And then Mary and Byron will get in another domestic squabble, but I understand - that's not something you can really control.
Sorry - back to the date. Flamenco? Really? As an avid castanets player, I support this endeavor, but it becomes clear very, very quickly that although she "loves to dance", JHo has zero rhythm. Notice how the camera shifts every time she starts to move into the frame while clapping? Sad. But the real question here is, with the later reveal that the zipper would not go up on KPTN's pants, did he just leave his fly down the whole time and hope that the sash covered it? Awkward.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. When did this become an episode of Survivor? KPTN, if you don't want to eat the escargot (thanks Jillian, for bringing up the slugs in your Canadian backyard) you don't have to. But it's clearly a turn-on (creepy) when JHo says you remind her of her dad. I would say something about the look of hope/lust in your eyes when Chris's letter arrives immediately after, but your style of cuddling makes me uncomfortable, so I'm going to skip it.
LAMETOWN
Day: You know Lame, I think I've been unnecessarily hard on you. Yes, you're kind of boring, and yes you're all about the hemming and the hawing ("You smell good?" Is that really what you wanted to say?), but when you get down to it, I can tell you're falling for JHo. Either that or you're frightened at the massive unopened jar of olives sitting on the table behind her head.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. Awkwardly saying everything except "I love you," check. But JHo might actually get a proposal out of this one, so she's playing it safe. (Cue the crestfallen look on our suitor.) Just more making out at the table.
CHICAGO ED
Day: What. Is. With. All. The. Kissing? Seriously? In the fountain? America doesn't need you kids breaking trespassing laws just so you can get a good shot of making out in the water. Do you see those people staring at you? They're just trying to decide which one of them should call the police.
Anyway - Is anyone else wondering how Ed suddenly got the go-ahead to come back to the show? And has he always been billed as a technology "consultant"? Is this a new job? And if it's not, why did he previously have a boss that could tell him what to do? All the consultants I know work from the beach and laugh on their way to the bank. And apparently go to karaoke. (If he had taken her to Trader Todd's, I would have immediately given him cool points, but I have a feeling it would have been Howl at the Moon. Oh well.) All of that notwithstanding, Ed doesn't get that Jillian is asking him to tell her that she's a priority. Come on, Ed. Give her what she wants.
Oh right. What she wants is your tongue down her throat. Check.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Wait. What's with the jacket, Ed? They don't sell stuff like that in Chicago. But what's this? You can see them being together for a long, long time? It's not those three little words, but it's close enough. Because somehow when the room key arrives, Jillian's plans are thwarted when Ed convinces her to "hang out" in the fantasy suite. Way to work it, Ed - even if you did make my eyes roll with your "You're my favorite part about Spain" line.
THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY DOUCHEBAG: I have to admit, I spent this whole section of the show not breathing. I didn't want to believe that the producers would lead us astray with the whole "my girlfriend, ahem, ex-girlfriend" bit. And they did not disappoint. This date was magical from beginning (TGIACDB informing us that since he had a song from his "second" cd go to number one in Mexico, he appreciates Spanish people - awesome) to end ("Let's skip it" - more awesome). (Except for the spilling of the beer - bad form.) Personally, my favorite part was when the card from Chris arrived and TGIACDB actually said "I think we should, actually." If I hadn't just refilled, I would have jumped off the couch in incredulosity. Oh Jillian. Thank you for not beating around the bush and being polite. I know I've said it once, but it bears repeating: "Let's skip it." Winning.
SIDEBAR #1 - Where the hell is Chris this week? I forsee disaster.
ROSE CEREMONY: TGIACDB, can you just wear a regular suit like everyone else? Why do you make me sing that "One of these things is not like the other" song every week? Oh well - it fits right in with Jillian's Bjork-esque bird outfit.
Wow. DB is really going for broke. Planning on having lots of sex, are you? Hot. I really thought one of the other guys might haul off and punch him. And maybe someone did - seems like the kind of thing that might be saved for the Men Tell All special.
SIDEBAR #2 - Wait! How do we know this is the last rose? Chris, where are you?
Ha. It's nice to make KPTN wait until the end. Oh the suspense!
SIDEBAR #3 - See? No one told DB to say his goodbyes, and chaos ensues. Chris is clearly the glue that holds this train wreck together.
TGIACDB'S LIMO RANT: Wow. Just...wow. The scotch makes you sloppy. Enjoy your Austin groupies. And your Mexican fans. Whom I'm sure can all be found in Spain.
NEXT WEEK: With DB gone, there's no more drama. I swear, if we don't get the "Trouble in Paradise" scene next week, I will be really riled up.
Continue Reading
Friday, July 3, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Fully Convinced That The Writers On This Show Would Actually Prefer To Be Working On The Hills
I got about five texts during this episode all saying "Jillian Is a Ho." Except with more creative (and probably wine-induced) spelling. But I got news for you kids - hot tub or not - this was nothing. Come on, even Jillian is going to keep things fairly chaste when someone's mom is watching from the kitchen window.
Because that's just what we need to make things even crazier. Moms burying doves in the backyard. (Yeah. I watched The Bachelor too. And apparently so does KPTN's dad.)
OK, let's get down to business.
LAMETOWN, USA
OK, Lametown, we get it. You're a nice guy. After all, no one else had a venti double caff mocha extra foam (I have no idea if that's even possible - my drinks don't come in in a paper cup, if you know what I mean) all ready when JHo stepped out of the car. Good for you. But let's be honest - the aforementioned writers just put this into the script so you would have something to do when conversation screeched to a halt. Which it did in approximately 23.5 seconds. Quick! Cut to coffee!
SIDEBAR #1 - Lametown with glasses is way better than without. That chick on the train is crazy.
Sadly, the cup is empty sooner rather than later, and we have to head out to...condos that Lametown is selling? Have I stumbled into an episode of Property Virgins? Yes, the rooftop terrace is nice (and comes equipped with champagne!) but I'm concerned that it's a little far from public transit and the layout of the kitchen is just weird. I think we need to see another place before I make any offers.
Sorry. I got confused.
If there was any doubt that Lametown is a total wet blanket, his entire family pretty much tells JHo that he doesn't make any decisions on his own. But he's so nice! When he was 18, he opened doors for potential homebuyers! And their children! Don't forget how nice! And look! A surprise 30th birthday party! Completely impromptu! Because he's so nice! Nice!
Settle down, Mama Lametown. We get it.
BREAKDANCE
OK, Floppy. A few things. 1. Tuck in the back of your shirt. 2. Stop jumping up and down like a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. 3. You had stubble? Really? I don't think so.
Need we remind you? HE'S 25. And HE TEACHES BREAKDANCING FOR A LIVING. (For the rest of my life I will roll my eyes whenever I hear the phrase "break dance instructor." But I digress.)
But seriously. Does anyone see any hint of romantic chemistry here? It's like watching someone visit their next door neighbor. Or their next door neighbor's dog. Come on. STOP BOUNCING AROUND.
KPTN
That's right, I refuse to actually acknowledge this dude's name. It's not even a word. But the moment we meet his parents, I can fully understand what it's all about. Oh funny. Caution tape around the hottub! Ha! Which is not nearly as funny as watching KPTN's mom tell JHo that she is going to take a test. A wine test. And a lasagna test? Wait. You were going down this great snobby road which was making Jillian feel like a "hillbilly" and then you ruin it with your ulta-classy...lasagna? Hm. Suddenly the snobbery doesn't feel so justified.
SIDEBAR #2 - What would I do in a similar situation? I don't eat lasagna. Would I be bold and tell KPTN's mom that I wasn't taking her stupid lasagna test, but I would be happy to drink more of the wine? Or would I choke something down? Hard to say.
You know the writing is on the wall when she throws out the rest of the "crappy" wine. Hey now. Jillian doesn't play that way. That's just wasteful. And while we're on the subject of disturbing, how was Mama KPTN able to turn "unconditional love" into a bad thing - complete with poorly chosen Tammy Wynette lyrics?
Jillian, get out while you can. You can have plenty of hottub fun with the other guys.
WINE COUNTRY
Is it me, or does WC's brother look a lot like a bigger version of Keith Urban? I would spend more time thinking about this date, but after WC answers a reasonable question with the unintelligible "honey boo bear" (I mean, what the hell is that? Really?) I realize that Jillian's love of wine is not enough to make this happen. Too bad.
THANK GOD I'M IN A COUNTRY BAND'S SECOND FAMILY
Besides, the lack of drama in the previous date only makes Austin that much more exciting. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't help but hope that TGIIACB was going to introduce Jillian to his wife and three kids. Oh wait. It's just his band. Singing what I'm sure he hopes will be his first single. They're not that -
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I SWEAR IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT JILLIAN SONG ABOUT LOVE AGAIN I WILL CUT OFF MY EARS!
SIDEBAR #3 - I'm pretty sure I made a similar idle threat the last time this happened. I should really follow through with my promises, eh? And if we're talking fair, I should probably finish a recap by Tuesday morning too. Oh well.
THE RETURN OF SO YOU WANT TO BE A PILOT
Much like the oft-previewed return of Deanna, this was exciting. Until it actually happened. How did I know this was going to be completely lame? Maybe when we saw the scene when SYWTBAP pretended to call Footsie to be sure he was doing the right thing. (Yeah, that's who I'm going to call for advice.) What? You don't think Footsie was actually on the phone? Shocking.
This was really just an excuse to show Jake in his pilot uniform and to give us his best impression of a Jason-esque railing cry. God, that's good. OK, I'm back in this.
The scripting was also pretty evident during the Pilot/Country exchange. I would type it out word for word, but then some high school student is going to happen upon it and use it for a duet scene in forensics. That's how good this writing is, kids.
TGIIACB's FIRST FAMILY
I would totally believe that CB hired his entire family to convince JHo that he was honest. And nice. And honest. He's so bad at lying. Laurel who? That's crazy.
Oh my god, Jillian, if you keep this tool around I am going to visibly cringe.
SIDEBAR #4: Did anyone else remember when Chicago Ed's picture was not taken away, but placed on a special table of honor that now clearly meant "He Who Comes Back In Argyle Sweater"?
CHICAGO ED!
That's right! He's back! And I'm pretty sure that sweater is from Target, because I'm wearing the same one in brown. Somehow it's reassuring to know that Ed and I shop at the same stores. Because I've missed him. Ed, if you hadn't left, maybe there wouldn't have been so much freaking floppiness in the past few episodes (yeah, I'm talking to you, BreakDance). But I forgive you, even if your "I want another chance" sounds about as natural as Whitney apologizing to LC. (To be fair, I don't know if they ever had a fight, or if they were even on the same show. But I read US Weekly, so I do know those are real names. I think.)
Jillian, if you make me go through this and then don't bring him back, I am done.
Rose Ceremony: Wow, Lametown is first? KPTN even after his family makes JHo feel like a slutty country bumpkin? Oh good - Chicago Ed is in. Wait. TGIIACB?! Seriously?! Even BreakDance would be more tolerable than this.
Oh Jillian. You disappoint me.
NEXT WEEK: Let's remember that in addition to next week's beautifully edited CB gaff "my girlfriend - I mean my ex-girlfriend" we get closer and closer to the overnight dates and the Situation That Shall Not Be Named. I'll be sure I have plenty of room for all the texts.
Continue Reading
Because that's just what we need to make things even crazier. Moms burying doves in the backyard. (Yeah. I watched The Bachelor too. And apparently so does KPTN's dad.)
OK, let's get down to business.
LAMETOWN, USA
OK, Lametown, we get it. You're a nice guy. After all, no one else had a venti double caff mocha extra foam (I have no idea if that's even possible - my drinks don't come in in a paper cup, if you know what I mean) all ready when JHo stepped out of the car. Good for you. But let's be honest - the aforementioned writers just put this into the script so you would have something to do when conversation screeched to a halt. Which it did in approximately 23.5 seconds. Quick! Cut to coffee!
SIDEBAR #1 - Lametown with glasses is way better than without. That chick on the train is crazy.
Sadly, the cup is empty sooner rather than later, and we have to head out to...condos that Lametown is selling? Have I stumbled into an episode of Property Virgins? Yes, the rooftop terrace is nice (and comes equipped with champagne!) but I'm concerned that it's a little far from public transit and the layout of the kitchen is just weird. I think we need to see another place before I make any offers.
Sorry. I got confused.
If there was any doubt that Lametown is a total wet blanket, his entire family pretty much tells JHo that he doesn't make any decisions on his own. But he's so nice! When he was 18, he opened doors for potential homebuyers! And their children! Don't forget how nice! And look! A surprise 30th birthday party! Completely impromptu! Because he's so nice! Nice!
Settle down, Mama Lametown. We get it.
BREAKDANCE
OK, Floppy. A few things. 1. Tuck in the back of your shirt. 2. Stop jumping up and down like a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. 3. You had stubble? Really? I don't think so.
Need we remind you? HE'S 25. And HE TEACHES BREAKDANCING FOR A LIVING. (For the rest of my life I will roll my eyes whenever I hear the phrase "break dance instructor." But I digress.)
But seriously. Does anyone see any hint of romantic chemistry here? It's like watching someone visit their next door neighbor. Or their next door neighbor's dog. Come on. STOP BOUNCING AROUND.
KPTN
That's right, I refuse to actually acknowledge this dude's name. It's not even a word. But the moment we meet his parents, I can fully understand what it's all about. Oh funny. Caution tape around the hottub! Ha! Which is not nearly as funny as watching KPTN's mom tell JHo that she is going to take a test. A wine test. And a lasagna test? Wait. You were going down this great snobby road which was making Jillian feel like a "hillbilly" and then you ruin it with your ulta-classy...lasagna? Hm. Suddenly the snobbery doesn't feel so justified.
SIDEBAR #2 - What would I do in a similar situation? I don't eat lasagna. Would I be bold and tell KPTN's mom that I wasn't taking her stupid lasagna test, but I would be happy to drink more of the wine? Or would I choke something down? Hard to say.
You know the writing is on the wall when she throws out the rest of the "crappy" wine. Hey now. Jillian doesn't play that way. That's just wasteful. And while we're on the subject of disturbing, how was Mama KPTN able to turn "unconditional love" into a bad thing - complete with poorly chosen Tammy Wynette lyrics?
Jillian, get out while you can. You can have plenty of hottub fun with the other guys.
WINE COUNTRY
Is it me, or does WC's brother look a lot like a bigger version of Keith Urban? I would spend more time thinking about this date, but after WC answers a reasonable question with the unintelligible "honey boo bear" (I mean, what the hell is that? Really?) I realize that Jillian's love of wine is not enough to make this happen. Too bad.
THANK GOD I'M IN A COUNTRY BAND'S SECOND FAMILY
Besides, the lack of drama in the previous date only makes Austin that much more exciting. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't help but hope that TGIIACB was going to introduce Jillian to his wife and three kids. Oh wait. It's just his band. Singing what I'm sure he hopes will be his first single. They're not that -
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I SWEAR IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT JILLIAN SONG ABOUT LOVE AGAIN I WILL CUT OFF MY EARS!
SIDEBAR #3 - I'm pretty sure I made a similar idle threat the last time this happened. I should really follow through with my promises, eh? And if we're talking fair, I should probably finish a recap by Tuesday morning too. Oh well.
THE RETURN OF SO YOU WANT TO BE A PILOT
Much like the oft-previewed return of Deanna, this was exciting. Until it actually happened. How did I know this was going to be completely lame? Maybe when we saw the scene when SYWTBAP pretended to call Footsie to be sure he was doing the right thing. (Yeah, that's who I'm going to call for advice.) What? You don't think Footsie was actually on the phone? Shocking.
This was really just an excuse to show Jake in his pilot uniform and to give us his best impression of a Jason-esque railing cry. God, that's good. OK, I'm back in this.
The scripting was also pretty evident during the Pilot/Country exchange. I would type it out word for word, but then some high school student is going to happen upon it and use it for a duet scene in forensics. That's how good this writing is, kids.
TGIIACB's FIRST FAMILY
I would totally believe that CB hired his entire family to convince JHo that he was honest. And nice. And honest. He's so bad at lying. Laurel who? That's crazy.
Oh my god, Jillian, if you keep this tool around I am going to visibly cringe.
SIDEBAR #4: Did anyone else remember when Chicago Ed's picture was not taken away, but placed on a special table of honor that now clearly meant "He Who Comes Back In Argyle Sweater"?
CHICAGO ED!
That's right! He's back! And I'm pretty sure that sweater is from Target, because I'm wearing the same one in brown. Somehow it's reassuring to know that Ed and I shop at the same stores. Because I've missed him. Ed, if you hadn't left, maybe there wouldn't have been so much freaking floppiness in the past few episodes (yeah, I'm talking to you, BreakDance). But I forgive you, even if your "I want another chance" sounds about as natural as Whitney apologizing to LC. (To be fair, I don't know if they ever had a fight, or if they were even on the same show. But I read US Weekly, so I do know those are real names. I think.)
Jillian, if you make me go through this and then don't bring him back, I am done.
Rose Ceremony: Wow, Lametown is first? KPTN even after his family makes JHo feel like a slutty country bumpkin? Oh good - Chicago Ed is in. Wait. TGIIACB?! Seriously?! Even BreakDance would be more tolerable than this.
Oh Jillian. You disappoint me.
NEXT WEEK: Let's remember that in addition to next week's beautifully edited CB gaff "my girlfriend - I mean my ex-girlfriend" we get closer and closer to the overnight dates and the Situation That Shall Not Be Named. I'll be sure I have plenty of room for all the texts.
Continue Reading
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