If I didn't know the producers are enjoying the tension (or whatever you call it) between Simon and Kara, I'd expect Ellen to sit in the 3rd seat next week. Because the interrupting and the annoying were ramped up tonight higher than they've ever been before. Kara. Settle. Down.
On an unrelated note (you know, because we're only partly here to talk about anything relating to music) I enjoy Shania Twain. I would enjoy it if someone rocked "When" or "No One Needs to Know Right Now". But I have a feeling I'm going to be let down. Or the Screamer is going to put together a medley of the two just to ruin them for me. (Actually, I've got her pegged for "Man I Feel Like a Woman" or "Any Man of Mine" just for the sheer comedy.)
Also? Shania's hair is incomprehensibly large.
You're Still the One ("You're Still the One") - OK Dawg, for me for you, this wasn't as awesome as I wanted it to be. Especially at the beginning (that first note was painful). But since the judges are all for sending you to the finals, I'm still on board. And I voted for you many many times tonight. Just remember - a solid second place finish is nothing to sneeze at. But first is better.
Big Poppa ("It Only Hurts When I Breathe") - Man, you cannot start off every song originally sung by a woman in that "This Woman's Work" falsetto. (That's right kids - keep harping on Maxwell, but Kate Bush did it first, and she did it better.) As soon as you did that, I stopped listening. I know Ellen says it sounded like Luther Vandross, and I'd probably agree. Since I don't love Luther's music, that's probably why I don't care about you anymore.
SIDEBAR #1 - Geez, does every performance have to be a ballad tonight?
Goldilocks ("Don't") - Oh well. It was a killer performance. And there was some nice vibrato control. Good job Goldy. But still...I'm bored. Maybe it's because I've been drinking for the past nine hours and I've run out of bourbon.
Ginger Vitis ("No One Needs To Know") - Yeeeesssss. A) We're behind you and your earth mother ways. B) If your boyfriend doesn't man up soon, he's a douche. C) Even though you slowed this down a little too much (and went a little TOO country) for my liking, I'm glad you went for something that sounded modern instead of just wailing Janis-style on another ballad. But can you please tell the Kara-doppelganger to pull away from the backup notes just a bit?
SIDEBAR #2 - Let's take a look at what just happened. The judges learned their lesson with Mindy Doo. You can't pimp them out every single week and expect them to win. And now they're trying to reverse psychology the audience into ramping up the votes for Ginger. It might work.
The Infant ("It's In the Way You Love Me") - Oh good. Another ballad. Guys, you're letting me down this week. It's country week for crying out loud. Although this is kind of snoozy, it sounds pretty good and that was some excellent mic work. HOLD THE PHONE. I just remembered the words to this song and had to rewind. Did The Infant actually decide to sing "it's in the way we make love"? Oh ha ha ha. "The way you show your love." OK then. Thanks for going with class over inappropriate and creepy.
SIDEBAR #3 - Way to step on my point, Kara.
The Screamer ("Any Man of Mine") - Wow. (To be fair, I typed that before this performance even started - I'm just preparing myself mentally for the onslaught.) No. Stop. Stop that. Oh come on. You can't just take a mediocre (which is being generous) karaoke performance and top it with some screams at the end and call it good. And judges? What are you doing? That was poor. Enough with the pimping.
SIDEBAR #4 - I'm kind of enjoying the new trend of having the mentor sit right there next to the judges so we can see their reaction. Shania had some good moments. Moments when she did not look as pleased as she might be leading us to believe.
BOTTOM 3 - If it were up to the producers: Goldy, The Infant, Big Poppa
If it were up to me: The Screamer, The Infant, Big Poppa
If it were up to America, who has a history of being stupid: YSTOIL, Goldy, Big Poppa
SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: I'm going to be bold and say that country week and singing for his mother has saved The Infant for one more week. It's probably Big Poppa's time to go.
TOMORROW NIGHT: Rascall Flatts, Sons of Sylvia (eh), Lady Antebellum (yeah!) and...Shakira? Not Shania? Boo.
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Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
American Idol Top 7: The Day I Fight Off Boredom
Wow. We're so pressed for time the judges don't even get a real entrance? Sad. And yet...we still run over into Glee's time slot. Good job, control room. Well, because you can't be bothered to give me a normal intro, I'm not giving you one either.
Goldilocks ("Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac) - Eh. I actually spent this performance reading about Joanna Pacitti. Why, you ask? Because this was boring. I don't like Fleetwood Mac. And I don't like Goldilocks standing around, playing the guitar and bleating like a sheep. What's that you say? He walked around this time. Oh good. I was wrong - that four feet made all the difference.
My Favorite Paint Salesman ("The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel) - Oh MFPS. I don't like Simon and Garfunkel either. But I kind of like this song, because it's fun to say "psshhhh" after "lie la lie." And although I enjoyed this performance (as I am wont to do) I spent most of the time looking around the stage to figure out what instrument makes that sound. I'm disappointed - because I don't see anything that I can buy online at Musicians Friend. But at least you're wearing a new color of shirt. So there's that.
SIDEBAR #1: I got home from the gym too late to vote (Yes, sometimes I do that. Don't worry - I spiked my protein shake with some rum. It's important to retox after the detoxing.) but I swear, if America pulls another Daughtry and sends my favorite rocker home before the finals, I am going to do something drastic.
Gazpacho Fauxfron ("Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls) - Once I tried to sing "Slide" at a karaoke bar. Those songs are deceptive. They start all nice and low and you think "Hey, I'm pretty good at this." You know, you're like that violinist who nodded with quiet pride during some bars of rest at the top of the song. And then it goes to places you don't want it to go. But then you do a shot and it's ok. Or at least you don't mind that you actually can't hit those high notes at all. This performance was just like that. Except it didn't go anyplace at all. But the shot I just had helped a bit.
The Infant ("I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly) - Uh...you've been singing this song since you were five, because you're what now? Twelve? You make me feel old. Especially when you continue to wear those Members Only lookalike jackets. But let's focus on the big elephant in the room. An R. Kelly song performed by a kid who has barely hit puberty? Oh gentle irony. (And A. Kelly, Seacrest? No.)
SIDEBAR #2: I actually had to rewind to see what the infant was doing with his hands. For a second I thought he was flashing a purity ring. But no. It was just a weird way of telling people to vote for number four. Sad.
The Screamer ("When You Believe" by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston) - Oh come on. Are there butterflies on your shoulder? Oh god, they're all over you. I used to think butterflies were moderately fun - but that was when I also enjoyed the rest of the magnets on my grandma's fridge. Don't even get me started on your weird friends. Or that performance. Because it was lame. Boring. And I'm tired of your games and your whiny excuses after the judges give you less than glowing critiques.
Big Poppa ("Hero" by Chad Kroeger) - Ha. Nickelback. On Idol. I love it. OK, make fun of Nickelback as much as you want (because there's a lot to make fun of), but they have more fans than Hannah Montana. Seriously. They were ranked as the 11th best selling music act of the 2000's (thanks Wikipedia). And this is a pretty good song. And a decent performance. I like Big Poppa and I'm glad he's around. For the most part.
SIDEBAR #3: So do we think they will actually send someone home tomorrow night? Or will they go through the motions of making people stand up and then make Ginger think she's headed home a la Jordin in 2007? I'm thinking they'll have an elimination as planned, provided the last place finisher isn't Ginger or MFPS.
Ginger Vitis ("People Get Ready" by The Impressions) - Ginger, here's what I have to say. I would like to hear you sing something modern. I know, I know, we had Elvis week and Beatles week and you were kind of limited then. But this song is from 1965. Also? You should have done this whole song a capella. I'm still on board (it's a good thing I don't need a ticket, because all I have is this gin rickey), but I need something more than you breaking down at the end of a song and then being interrupted by my TiVo --
And now we're watching Jimmy Fallon and his crew Glee it up to "Livin' On a Prayer." Actually, I'm enjoying this more than writing about Ginger. Let's call it a night.
BOTTOM THREE: (They didn't call out the bottom three at the previous IGB episodes...we'll see if they do this year) Goldy, Screamer, Gazpacho
SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: Gazpacho
Tomorrow night: Star studded. Or something. I don't see Kelly on that list. So I don't think I care. But it's better than the Breast Cancer Three Day, so I'm more likely to part with some of my hard-earned drinking money.
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Goldilocks ("Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac) - Eh. I actually spent this performance reading about Joanna Pacitti. Why, you ask? Because this was boring. I don't like Fleetwood Mac. And I don't like Goldilocks standing around, playing the guitar and bleating like a sheep. What's that you say? He walked around this time. Oh good. I was wrong - that four feet made all the difference.
My Favorite Paint Salesman ("The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel) - Oh MFPS. I don't like Simon and Garfunkel either. But I kind of like this song, because it's fun to say "psshhhh" after "lie la lie." And although I enjoyed this performance (as I am wont to do) I spent most of the time looking around the stage to figure out what instrument makes that sound. I'm disappointed - because I don't see anything that I can buy online at Musicians Friend. But at least you're wearing a new color of shirt. So there's that.
SIDEBAR #1: I got home from the gym too late to vote (Yes, sometimes I do that. Don't worry - I spiked my protein shake with some rum. It's important to retox after the detoxing.) but I swear, if America pulls another Daughtry and sends my favorite rocker home before the finals, I am going to do something drastic.
Gazpacho Fauxfron ("Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls) - Once I tried to sing "Slide" at a karaoke bar. Those songs are deceptive. They start all nice and low and you think "Hey, I'm pretty good at this." You know, you're like that violinist who nodded with quiet pride during some bars of rest at the top of the song. And then it goes to places you don't want it to go. But then you do a shot and it's ok. Or at least you don't mind that you actually can't hit those high notes at all. This performance was just like that. Except it didn't go anyplace at all. But the shot I just had helped a bit.
The Infant ("I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly) - Uh...you've been singing this song since you were five, because you're what now? Twelve? You make me feel old. Especially when you continue to wear those Members Only lookalike jackets. But let's focus on the big elephant in the room. An R. Kelly song performed by a kid who has barely hit puberty? Oh gentle irony. (And A. Kelly, Seacrest? No.)
SIDEBAR #2: I actually had to rewind to see what the infant was doing with his hands. For a second I thought he was flashing a purity ring. But no. It was just a weird way of telling people to vote for number four. Sad.
The Screamer ("When You Believe" by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston) - Oh come on. Are there butterflies on your shoulder? Oh god, they're all over you. I used to think butterflies were moderately fun - but that was when I also enjoyed the rest of the magnets on my grandma's fridge. Don't even get me started on your weird friends. Or that performance. Because it was lame. Boring. And I'm tired of your games and your whiny excuses after the judges give you less than glowing critiques.
Big Poppa ("Hero" by Chad Kroeger) - Ha. Nickelback. On Idol. I love it. OK, make fun of Nickelback as much as you want (because there's a lot to make fun of), but they have more fans than Hannah Montana. Seriously. They were ranked as the 11th best selling music act of the 2000's (thanks Wikipedia). And this is a pretty good song. And a decent performance. I like Big Poppa and I'm glad he's around. For the most part.
SIDEBAR #3: So do we think they will actually send someone home tomorrow night? Or will they go through the motions of making people stand up and then make Ginger think she's headed home a la Jordin in 2007? I'm thinking they'll have an elimination as planned, provided the last place finisher isn't Ginger or MFPS.
Ginger Vitis ("People Get Ready" by The Impressions) - Ginger, here's what I have to say. I would like to hear you sing something modern. I know, I know, we had Elvis week and Beatles week and you were kind of limited then. But this song is from 1965. Also? You should have done this whole song a capella. I'm still on board (it's a good thing I don't need a ticket, because all I have is this gin rickey), but I need something more than you breaking down at the end of a song and then being interrupted by my TiVo --
And now we're watching Jimmy Fallon and his crew Glee it up to "Livin' On a Prayer." Actually, I'm enjoying this more than writing about Ginger. Let's call it a night.
BOTTOM THREE: (They didn't call out the bottom three at the previous IGB episodes...we'll see if they do this year) Goldy, Screamer, Gazpacho
SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: Gazpacho
Tomorrow night: Star studded. Or something. I don't see Kelly on that list. So I don't think I care. But it's better than the Breast Cancer Three Day, so I'm more likely to part with some of my hard-earned drinking money.
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Thursday, April 15, 2010
Idol Top 9 (Week Two) Results: They Day Our Prayers Are Finally Answered
Oh this is not going to be good. Did you see that group performance? Sure, it's fine if you close your eyes and listen - you know, since they're totally lip syncing. Wait. No it's not. Some songs are just not meant to be arranged for a show choir. (Yes, I'm sure Glee will prove me wrong at some point. But I will remain steadfast in my opinion on this matter.)
GROUP SONG: Fail.
FORD COMMERCIAL: Does someone miss the taping every week? What's up with Ginger?
JUDGMENT: All my anger is currently being directed at that stupid bow tie Gangsta Gokey is wearing. All of it. I want to rip it off his neck. And if he happens to choke when that happens, well that's a price I'm willing to pay.
ELIMINATION #1: Gangsta Gokey - Finally. But let's be honest. You really should have sung "Straight Up." Because that's all we've wanted from you since Day One.
CAMEOS: Elliott in Africa - I can't lie. I totally fast forwarded through this. Sorry, Africa.
Barefoot Potbelly (Brooke White) with Miley's ex - Well, you kids did your best. Come on Justin. You're trying to be a star. Maybe you look at the audience at some point. You can't always count on Potbelly to be there to carry you along.
SIDEBAR - The iTunes version of this is much better. Probably because you don't have to watch Justin looking petrified on stage and Potbelly looked skeeved that he is blowing it.
WickedRaverSiriano - Come on, Lambert. I actually liked this song. And you've managed to ruin it with your lasers and your weird rubato opening and your general off-key-ness. I'm not even going to mention the screaming. Unnecessary. Inevitable, but unnecessary.
ELIMINATION #2: Sorry Rory. Diana DeGarmo you aren't. You're not even Amy Adams. Give it a few more years and then head to the theatre. I'm sure there's a place for you as the Narrator in Joseph at the Toledo Community Playhouse.
Next Week: Inspirational Songs with Alicia Keys. Bleh. I'm already feeling uninspired.
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GROUP SONG: Fail.
FORD COMMERCIAL: Does someone miss the taping every week? What's up with Ginger?
JUDGMENT: All my anger is currently being directed at that stupid bow tie Gangsta Gokey is wearing. All of it. I want to rip it off his neck. And if he happens to choke when that happens, well that's a price I'm willing to pay.
ELIMINATION #1: Gangsta Gokey - Finally. But let's be honest. You really should have sung "Straight Up." Because that's all we've wanted from you since Day One.
CAMEOS: Elliott in Africa - I can't lie. I totally fast forwarded through this. Sorry, Africa.
Barefoot Potbelly (Brooke White) with Miley's ex - Well, you kids did your best. Come on Justin. You're trying to be a star. Maybe you look at the audience at some point. You can't always count on Potbelly to be there to carry you along.
SIDEBAR - The iTunes version of this is much better. Probably because you don't have to watch Justin looking petrified on stage and Potbelly looked skeeved that he is blowing it.
WickedRaverSiriano - Come on, Lambert. I actually liked this song. And you've managed to ruin it with your lasers and your weird rubato opening and your general off-key-ness. I'm not even going to mention the screaming. Unnecessary. Inevitable, but unnecessary.
ELIMINATION #2: Sorry Rory. Diana DeGarmo you aren't. You're not even Amy Adams. Give it a few more years and then head to the theatre. I'm sure there's a place for you as the Narrator in Joseph at the Toledo Community Playhouse.
Next Week: Inspirational Songs with Alicia Keys. Bleh. I'm already feeling uninspired.
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Tuesday, April 13, 2010
American Idol Top 9 (Week Two): The Day Elvis Rolls Over In His Grave
Wassup, Seacrest?
Oh come on. That's not the way to start things off. Nor do I agree with the concept of comparing Elvis with freaking WickedRaverSiriano. Let's not forget that I've been to Graceland twice.
Wait. There's so much to talk about right now, we don't even have time for sidebars:
A. WRS's hair
B. Seacrest singing Whatya Want From Me (why does he feel the need to sing something EVERY FREAKING WEEK?!)
C. Matthew Morrison in the audience wearing an inexplicable fedora
D. Seacrest's assertion that his tongue is not as talented as WRS's (you know, by singing)
And damn - Elvis didn't have a favorite drink. Some sources say screwdrivers, some say black velvet. Some even say he didn't drink alcohol. I don't like any of these sources. All right, we'll go with...Kentucky Rain. Makers it is.
Ginger Vitis ("Saved") - Dawg, you are like a broken record. But then again, I would be too. This was a great performance, an unfamiliar song (in a good way), and a nice change from the mellow/rock the Ginger's been showing us so far. But seriously...are we just going to keep Mindy Doo-ing it up here, or do you actually have a chance to win this thing?
SIDEBAR #1: And Jane Lynch!!!
Gangsta Gokey ("Hounddog") - I'll accept Wicked as a mentor if you keep telling people they're boring. GG - you need to watch out. Remember what happened last week when you put your "spin" on things? Because, yeah, this was "different." It just wasn't "great." (It wasn't karaoke, Dawg, but you're right - it wasn't good.) Especially the bridge - what was that? Really. What was it?
SIDEBAR #2: Uh...GG family? Putting the Drew Carey glasses logo on a piece of poster board is not the best marketing ploy I've ever seen.
Abs Fauxfron ("I Can't Help Fallin' In Love") - Nope. Wicked just lost me. There's no reason to have everyone sing that freaking high. It may work for you (except it doesn't always) but not all singers should try to hit notes meant for women. But I digress. Killer guitar - picking that consistently is not easy. And I like the variations on the melody (thank you for not falsetto-ing, dude), even if Abs has some difficulty going back and forth between the high and the low stuff. (Maybe Michael the music director should try to teach Abs about phrasing. No? Just a thought.) Now learn to have some emotion when looking at the camera, and I'll forgive your crazy hair. Because the vocals are getting there.
SIDEBAR #3: Roughneck's here?! And dancing? How did I miss that?
My Favorite Worrywart ("A Little Less Conversation") - Yeeeeeeessssssss. I would buy this right now if i-Tunes didn't make me wait until tomorrow. But let's talk America. We don't need another Daughtry situation, do we? Can you please do your part and vote?
MiniSituation ("Blue Suede Shoes") - Uh...no. When you are 12 and tiny, and wear jackets with gigantic collars, you are not allowed to sing this song. Sure, sure, it's uptempo, it's different that the snoozers you usually trot out. But no. Not for you.
SIDEBAR #4: I love a passarel as much as the next guy. But do we all need to use it? Going into the audience does not mean they're going to vote for you.
Screaming Pompador ("Suspicious Minds") - Ugh. This is in my top 5 songs ever. Do. Not. Piss. Me. Off...
NOOOOOOOO. DID YOU REALLY JUST SCREAM AND ASK FOR A BIG RUBATO TRUMPET ACCOMPANIMENT?!
No. Not that I was ever into this disaster, but especially at the beginning of the song it really dawned on me that maybe Screamer isn't actually that good of a singer. She can't sing slow, she can't sing soft, she can't sing low. All. She. Does. Is. Scream. Stoppit. STOPPIT.
SIDEBAR #5: You have to label yourself a little - otherwise where do they put you in the CD section at Target?
SIDEBAR #6: Dunkleman? Oh that was mean, Seacrest. Thumbs down.
Big Poppa ("In the Ghetto") - Yup. That was worth the save. An awesome song, and a kick ass performance. Dude, it's the ballads that the people want. Give it to them. If the Giraud Effect (tm) kicks in, you should be safe for another week.
Rory Waldorf ("Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do") - Props for not letting a smile slip through. The vocals were fine, the sass was fine (with the exception of neck moves), but there's still something missing. Like you could have gone maybe a third higher at the end, but stopped short - probably because you actually can't sing that high. Here's the problem - when you're singing, I should have moments when I say "Oh man, she's not gonna hit that no...wait! She did it!" Not "Come on...just a little higher...oh well."
SIDEBAR #7: Do you think they're being speedy with the critiques because Jane Lynch will kick some ass if they run over into Glee?
Goldilocks ("Lawdy Miss Clawdy") - Oooh. Rough start. Like in the wrong key rough start. But once the band kicked in, this wasn't too bad. Was it worthy of the clean up position? No, probably not. The sheep bleat just isn't working for me. Get that vibrato under control, chief.
BOTTOM THREE: MiniSitch, Gangsta, Screaming Pompador
SHOULD GO: Pompador
WILL GO: Gangsta
Tomorrow Night: WickedRaverSiriano doing Whatya Want From Me (ok), Barefoot Potbelly duetting with some dude from If I Can Dream (Justin Gaston - also Miley's ex, I hear), and probably some wretched Elvis group number. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.
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Oh come on. That's not the way to start things off. Nor do I agree with the concept of comparing Elvis with freaking WickedRaverSiriano. Let's not forget that I've been to Graceland twice.
Wait. There's so much to talk about right now, we don't even have time for sidebars:
A. WRS's hair
B. Seacrest singing Whatya Want From Me (why does he feel the need to sing something EVERY FREAKING WEEK?!)
C. Matthew Morrison in the audience wearing an inexplicable fedora
D. Seacrest's assertion that his tongue is not as talented as WRS's (you know, by singing)
And damn - Elvis didn't have a favorite drink. Some sources say screwdrivers, some say black velvet. Some even say he didn't drink alcohol. I don't like any of these sources. All right, we'll go with...Kentucky Rain. Makers it is.
Ginger Vitis ("Saved") - Dawg, you are like a broken record. But then again, I would be too. This was a great performance, an unfamiliar song (in a good way), and a nice change from the mellow/rock the Ginger's been showing us so far. But seriously...are we just going to keep Mindy Doo-ing it up here, or do you actually have a chance to win this thing?
SIDEBAR #1: And Jane Lynch!!!
Gangsta Gokey ("Hounddog") - I'll accept Wicked as a mentor if you keep telling people they're boring. GG - you need to watch out. Remember what happened last week when you put your "spin" on things? Because, yeah, this was "different." It just wasn't "great." (It wasn't karaoke, Dawg, but you're right - it wasn't good.) Especially the bridge - what was that? Really. What was it?
SIDEBAR #2: Uh...GG family? Putting the Drew Carey glasses logo on a piece of poster board is not the best marketing ploy I've ever seen.
Abs Fauxfron ("I Can't Help Fallin' In Love") - Nope. Wicked just lost me. There's no reason to have everyone sing that freaking high. It may work for you (except it doesn't always) but not all singers should try to hit notes meant for women. But I digress. Killer guitar - picking that consistently is not easy. And I like the variations on the melody (thank you for not falsetto-ing, dude), even if Abs has some difficulty going back and forth between the high and the low stuff. (Maybe Michael the music director should try to teach Abs about phrasing. No? Just a thought.) Now learn to have some emotion when looking at the camera, and I'll forgive your crazy hair. Because the vocals are getting there.
SIDEBAR #3: Roughneck's here?! And dancing? How did I miss that?
My Favorite Worrywart ("A Little Less Conversation") - Yeeeeeeessssssss. I would buy this right now if i-Tunes didn't make me wait until tomorrow. But let's talk America. We don't need another Daughtry situation, do we? Can you please do your part and vote?
MiniSituation ("Blue Suede Shoes") - Uh...no. When you are 12 and tiny, and wear jackets with gigantic collars, you are not allowed to sing this song. Sure, sure, it's uptempo, it's different that the snoozers you usually trot out. But no. Not for you.
SIDEBAR #4: I love a passarel as much as the next guy. But do we all need to use it? Going into the audience does not mean they're going to vote for you.
Screaming Pompador ("Suspicious Minds") - Ugh. This is in my top 5 songs ever. Do. Not. Piss. Me. Off...
NOOOOOOOO. DID YOU REALLY JUST SCREAM AND ASK FOR A BIG RUBATO TRUMPET ACCOMPANIMENT?!
No. Not that I was ever into this disaster, but especially at the beginning of the song it really dawned on me that maybe Screamer isn't actually that good of a singer. She can't sing slow, she can't sing soft, she can't sing low. All. She. Does. Is. Scream. Stoppit. STOPPIT.
SIDEBAR #5: You have to label yourself a little - otherwise where do they put you in the CD section at Target?
SIDEBAR #6: Dunkleman? Oh that was mean, Seacrest. Thumbs down.
Big Poppa ("In the Ghetto") - Yup. That was worth the save. An awesome song, and a kick ass performance. Dude, it's the ballads that the people want. Give it to them. If the Giraud Effect (tm) kicks in, you should be safe for another week.
Rory Waldorf ("Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do") - Props for not letting a smile slip through. The vocals were fine, the sass was fine (with the exception of neck moves), but there's still something missing. Like you could have gone maybe a third higher at the end, but stopped short - probably because you actually can't sing that high. Here's the problem - when you're singing, I should have moments when I say "Oh man, she's not gonna hit that no...wait! She did it!" Not "Come on...just a little higher...oh well."
SIDEBAR #7: Do you think they're being speedy with the critiques because Jane Lynch will kick some ass if they run over into Glee?
Goldilocks ("Lawdy Miss Clawdy") - Oooh. Rough start. Like in the wrong key rough start. But once the band kicked in, this wasn't too bad. Was it worthy of the clean up position? No, probably not. The sheep bleat just isn't working for me. Get that vibrato under control, chief.
BOTTOM THREE: MiniSitch, Gangsta, Screaming Pompador
SHOULD GO: Pompador
WILL GO: Gangsta
Tomorrow Night: WickedRaverSiriano doing Whatya Want From Me (ok), Barefoot Potbelly duetting with some dude from If I Can Dream (Justin Gaston - also Miley's ex, I hear), and probably some wretched Elvis group number. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.
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Wednesday, April 7, 2010
American Idol Top 9 Results: The Day That, Frankly, Wastes My Time
Man it's really hard to come up with an intro and a title that don't give anything away. Because for all of the drama tonight, this episode was actually kind of boring. Oh wait. Every results show is long and drawn out and boring. Seriously, give it to me in a half hour and include one cameo from someone that has something to do with Idol. Except Archtastic. He's boring. Oops. Looks like I let something slip out before the jump after all. Sorry.
GROUP SONG: I hate most of these songs. (I know.) But what I hate even more are the black and white outfits. Ginger should not be wearing go-go boots.
CAMEOS: I hope McPheever's pilot doesn't get in the way of a cameo this season. Also, I love her new album. Shut up.
Derulo - I don't understand any part of your outfit, especially the weird hat sitting on top of your head. Did you buy it at Party City? It likes a homemade bedazzling job. As does the rest of your outfit. Damn kids. Decent singing. Better than Usher last week. but what's with the weird camera stuff? Producers - it's not a music video. Stoppit.
SIDEBAR #1: We can only use pyro so many times before it gets old. Two weeks in a row? Almost too much.
Archtastic - Yawn. I was bored two years ago. I'm bored now. I take it back - I would pay money for the pyro to go off and shake things up. and come on. White skinny pants and deck shoes? You made a little money from that record, didn't you?
SIDEBAR #2: I could really get behind an 80's week and a 90's week. I would love to hear some Wilson Phillips. A little "Hold On" would be better than this snoozefest.
Rihanna - Uh...does Rihanna seem a little bored? Those were the lamest hang bangs I've ever seen. Plus, I'm pretty sure Glambert wore that outfit last season. And are those girls on the platforms...what are those, some kind of orbital sanders? Wait...is she pretending to play the guitar? By just running the pick up and down the strings? Oh god. I have no idea what's going on here. It's a good thing this performance was obviously pre-taped, because the judges would not be pleased with this.
BOTTOM THREE: Oh the groups. Both of these groups would be kind of shocking as the bottom three. (I love how the audience claps for people to join both groups, sure their side is safe.) I'm going with stage left...
And I would be right. (2 out of 3 for last night's predictions...I'll take it. Even if I had no idea who's going home.) Tim's look of amazement gets better and better every week. I also enjoy the new hair we've seen this week.
RESULTS: Lynche Mob? Boo. That's not cool. But this is the best example of someone busting out the money song (and I'll admit I criticized this a bit the first time, because I'm such a huge fan of the Kate Bush version and never really got into Maxwell's falsetto nonsense) when it really counts. OK judges, now's your chance...
Nice. See you next week, BP. Along with Glambert mentoring (what?) and performing the only song of his I've ever enjoyed. Probably in a kilt or something. Ok then.
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GROUP SONG: I hate most of these songs. (I know.) But what I hate even more are the black and white outfits. Ginger should not be wearing go-go boots.
CAMEOS: I hope McPheever's pilot doesn't get in the way of a cameo this season. Also, I love her new album. Shut up.
Derulo - I don't understand any part of your outfit, especially the weird hat sitting on top of your head. Did you buy it at Party City? It likes a homemade bedazzling job. As does the rest of your outfit. Damn kids. Decent singing. Better than Usher last week. but what's with the weird camera stuff? Producers - it's not a music video. Stoppit.
SIDEBAR #1: We can only use pyro so many times before it gets old. Two weeks in a row? Almost too much.
Archtastic - Yawn. I was bored two years ago. I'm bored now. I take it back - I would pay money for the pyro to go off and shake things up. and come on. White skinny pants and deck shoes? You made a little money from that record, didn't you?
SIDEBAR #2: I could really get behind an 80's week and a 90's week. I would love to hear some Wilson Phillips. A little "Hold On" would be better than this snoozefest.
Rihanna - Uh...does Rihanna seem a little bored? Those were the lamest hang bangs I've ever seen. Plus, I'm pretty sure Glambert wore that outfit last season. And are those girls on the platforms...what are those, some kind of orbital sanders? Wait...is she pretending to play the guitar? By just running the pick up and down the strings? Oh god. I have no idea what's going on here. It's a good thing this performance was obviously pre-taped, because the judges would not be pleased with this.
BOTTOM THREE: Oh the groups. Both of these groups would be kind of shocking as the bottom three. (I love how the audience claps for people to join both groups, sure their side is safe.) I'm going with stage left...
And I would be right. (2 out of 3 for last night's predictions...I'll take it. Even if I had no idea who's going home.) Tim's look of amazement gets better and better every week. I also enjoy the new hair we've seen this week.
RESULTS: Lynche Mob? Boo. That's not cool. But this is the best example of someone busting out the money song (and I'll admit I criticized this a bit the first time, because I'm such a huge fan of the Kate Bush version and never really got into Maxwell's falsetto nonsense) when it really counts. OK judges, now's your chance...
Nice. See you next week, BP. Along with Glambert mentoring (what?) and performing the only song of his I've ever enjoyed. Probably in a kilt or something. Ok then.
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Tuesday, April 6, 2010
American Idol Top 9: The Day the Contestants Attempt (and Fail) To Give Their Peers Better Nicknames Than I Do
So, the question for tonight is "Will this episode be as poor as the two previous Beatles episodes?" I think we get a bit of foreshadowing when instead of answering simply "no" when Ellen jokingly asks if Lennon & McCartney wrote "Party In the USA," Seacrest responds seriously that it was "one of our mentors," implying two things: 1. That Hannah Montana actually had any part of writing that song and 2. That her position as mentor puts her on par with the other two. Sure. I'm going to have to do some shots really fast. Pardon me while I cut some limes.
Yoda (?) ("The Long and Winding Road") - I actually had to look up this song to be sure Dionne Warwick never did a cover of it. But midway through my research, I fell asleep. And then I was rudely woken up with that scratchy last note. Not good news, Mini.
Beyonce, Apparently ("Let It Be") - Look Rory, don't you remember that Barefoot Potbelly sang this a few years ago? Don't you remember how the people loved it? Sigh. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER THINK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS?!? Ugh. A good performance and a decent outfit for once. Fine. I won't vote for you (or go to prom with you) but I'll give you that this week.
SIDEBAR #1: Who knew Kara's going to be performing solo in concert for the first time ever this weekend? I'm curious. So if you're in Atlantic City this Friday or Saturday, go nuts. Tell me how it is.
Goofy Gangsta Gokey ("Can't Buy Me Love") - I swear I've heard this before. No wait...I've just heard every Maroon 5 song there is. And I like Maroon 5 more than this song/performance, so I'm going to focus instead on the fact that you are wearing a polo shirt with the top button buttoned. What is that? It's bad enough with the neck tattoo, do you have to rock the gangsta look even harder? Sigh. When will you children learn?
Lynche Mob ("Eleanor Rigby") - Careful BP...David Cook rocked this. Sure, your arrangement is different. Generally, I liked it. But I liked the India.Arie last week way better. Less theatrics, more singing, ok, please? And don't listen to the Dawg attempt to compare this to Glee. Keep Glee where it belongs. Not on the Idol stage.
SIDEBAR #2: Of course I don't need limes to do shots. What kind of drunk do you think I am? I just like the smell.
Why Did You Just Make Me Think of Carly Smithson? ("Come Together") - OK, I'm back on board. This was the perfect amount of Jewel-rock. I could practically hear you tell me to fill my life with love and gravy - and that's what I want from you (well, except for you to get rid of your stupid white girl dreads). Just don't let the judges keep Mindy Doo-ing you right into third place. P.S. Carly, I miss you. I think we can all now see that your performance just needed a didgeridoo.
Smiles Fauxfron ("All My Loving") - Maybe now's a good time to talk about how our departed Mullet Bieber chopped the hair, got some clothes that fit and wound up on a Big-Brother-esque web show. Let's take a look at him now:
Huh. You managed to get rid of the two things that made me give you a nickname. Good for you, Lambert. Wait, what? Oh right, Smiles was singing, wasn't he? Sure, it was fine. I wouldn't mind having that playing on my ipod in the background while I'm doing something more interesting. Good for you too, Smiles.
SIDEBAR #3: Bones! I love that show! I'd like to think David and Emily watch the Idol of their own volition and weren't forced to show up tonight. I really would. But their faces suggest otherwise. Oh well.
Goldilocks ("Jealous Guy") - I have a hard time thinking of TSW as a soap star or something when tonight he looks so much like Bucky Covington. And what's with the white coat? Ooooooooooh. A cello! Don't ruin this Rickey. Let the guitar keep going with the cello. Please. No band. (God, I wish the i-Tunes version would sound like this, but I can almost guarantee it won't be.)
...holding breath...
Thanks for that, Rickey. Thanks for showing some restraint for once. While I don't love the bleating lamb vibrato of TSW's voice, I will get behind this performance 100%.
Interestingly Weird ("Across the Universe") - In.Comp.Re.Hens.I.Ble. What the hell are you wearing?! Are you kidding me?! I'm not even listening to you (and not just because your performance blows tonight). If this were 1995, you would totally have been one of those chicks who wore jeans under their tie-dyed floor length skirts, with rainbow striped socks and ratty Birkenstocks. (God, if someone finds this page while searching for ugly sandals, I don't know what I'll do.) I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. Judges, stop talking about artistry, and let's talk about what's real here: the vocal was way too yawny - not sleepy - yawny. That's what happens when you take low notes into your head and they resonate in your cheeks.
SIDEBAR #4: Really? Are we going to keep clapping for the weird girl because she won't change for the people? Oh don't cry. We get it. You march to your own drum. Eh.
SIDEBAR #5: Earl. Nice Ed Grimley hair.
My Favorite Worrywart, Even With Bagpipes ("Hey Jude") - Danny Gokey babies, Ginger? I'd like to think that means you've read this blog. If so, then hi! And if not...well, you should. But I digress. With the exception of a few bum notes at the beginning and...why is there a bagpipe? And why is he in full regalia? Oh whatev. Lee, you finally acted like a rock star, and I like it. when the song starts, we will clap. When you count us in, we will sing along. When wayward Scotsmen wander in (thanks for the imagery, Ellen), bathed in green light, we will ignore it as much as possible - but we will support you. Keep it up, chief.
TOP THREE: WDYJMMTOCS?, Goldy and MFWW,EWBP
BOTTOM THREE: Smiles, Yoda? and GGG
SHOULD GO: Interestingly Weird (because it's not so interesting)
WILL GO: Smiles? Yoda? Man, I don't know this week. But I do know that I'm out of Patron. Damn.
TOMORROW: Rhianna, Jason Derulo (oh good, more vocoder) and Archtastic. Yeah, that all goes together.
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Yoda (?) ("The Long and Winding Road") - I actually had to look up this song to be sure Dionne Warwick never did a cover of it. But midway through my research, I fell asleep. And then I was rudely woken up with that scratchy last note. Not good news, Mini.
Beyonce, Apparently ("Let It Be") - Look Rory, don't you remember that Barefoot Potbelly sang this a few years ago? Don't you remember how the people loved it? Sigh. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER THINK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS?!? Ugh. A good performance and a decent outfit for once. Fine. I won't vote for you (or go to prom with you) but I'll give you that this week.
SIDEBAR #1: Who knew Kara's going to be performing solo in concert for the first time ever this weekend? I'm curious. So if you're in Atlantic City this Friday or Saturday, go nuts. Tell me how it is.
Goofy Gangsta Gokey ("Can't Buy Me Love") - I swear I've heard this before. No wait...I've just heard every Maroon 5 song there is. And I like Maroon 5 more than this song/performance, so I'm going to focus instead on the fact that you are wearing a polo shirt with the top button buttoned. What is that? It's bad enough with the neck tattoo, do you have to rock the gangsta look even harder? Sigh. When will you children learn?
Lynche Mob ("Eleanor Rigby") - Careful BP...David Cook rocked this. Sure, your arrangement is different. Generally, I liked it. But I liked the India.Arie last week way better. Less theatrics, more singing, ok, please? And don't listen to the Dawg attempt to compare this to Glee. Keep Glee where it belongs. Not on the Idol stage.
SIDEBAR #2: Of course I don't need limes to do shots. What kind of drunk do you think I am? I just like the smell.
Why Did You Just Make Me Think of Carly Smithson? ("Come Together") - OK, I'm back on board. This was the perfect amount of Jewel-rock. I could practically hear you tell me to fill my life with love and gravy - and that's what I want from you (well, except for you to get rid of your stupid white girl dreads). Just don't let the judges keep Mindy Doo-ing you right into third place. P.S. Carly, I miss you. I think we can all now see that your performance just needed a didgeridoo.
Smiles Fauxfron ("All My Loving") - Maybe now's a good time to talk about how our departed Mullet Bieber chopped the hair, got some clothes that fit and wound up on a Big-Brother-esque web show. Let's take a look at him now:
Huh. You managed to get rid of the two things that made me give you a nickname. Good for you, Lambert. Wait, what? Oh right, Smiles was singing, wasn't he? Sure, it was fine. I wouldn't mind having that playing on my ipod in the background while I'm doing something more interesting. Good for you too, Smiles.
SIDEBAR #3: Bones! I love that show! I'd like to think David and Emily watch the Idol of their own volition and weren't forced to show up tonight. I really would. But their faces suggest otherwise. Oh well.
Goldilocks ("Jealous Guy") - I have a hard time thinking of TSW as a soap star or something when tonight he looks so much like Bucky Covington. And what's with the white coat? Ooooooooooh. A cello! Don't ruin this Rickey. Let the guitar keep going with the cello. Please. No band. (God, I wish the i-Tunes version would sound like this, but I can almost guarantee it won't be.)
...holding breath...
Thanks for that, Rickey. Thanks for showing some restraint for once. While I don't love the bleating lamb vibrato of TSW's voice, I will get behind this performance 100%.
Interestingly Weird ("Across the Universe") - In.Comp.Re.Hens.I.Ble. What the hell are you wearing?! Are you kidding me?! I'm not even listening to you (and not just because your performance blows tonight). If this were 1995, you would totally have been one of those chicks who wore jeans under their tie-dyed floor length skirts, with rainbow striped socks and ratty Birkenstocks. (God, if someone finds this page while searching for ugly sandals, I don't know what I'll do.) I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. Judges, stop talking about artistry, and let's talk about what's real here: the vocal was way too yawny - not sleepy - yawny. That's what happens when you take low notes into your head and they resonate in your cheeks.
SIDEBAR #4: Really? Are we going to keep clapping for the weird girl because she won't change for the people? Oh don't cry. We get it. You march to your own drum. Eh.
SIDEBAR #5: Earl. Nice Ed Grimley hair.
My Favorite Worrywart, Even With Bagpipes ("Hey Jude") - Danny Gokey babies, Ginger? I'd like to think that means you've read this blog. If so, then hi! And if not...well, you should. But I digress. With the exception of a few bum notes at the beginning and...why is there a bagpipe? And why is he in full regalia? Oh whatev. Lee, you finally acted like a rock star, and I like it. when the song starts, we will clap. When you count us in, we will sing along. When wayward Scotsmen wander in (thanks for the imagery, Ellen), bathed in green light, we will ignore it as much as possible - but we will support you. Keep it up, chief.
TOP THREE: WDYJMMTOCS?, Goldy and MFWW,EWBP
BOTTOM THREE: Smiles, Yoda? and GGG
SHOULD GO: Interestingly Weird (because it's not so interesting)
WILL GO: Smiles? Yoda? Man, I don't know this week. But I do know that I'm out of Patron. Damn.
TOMORROW: Rhianna, Jason Derulo (oh good, more vocoder) and Archtastic. Yeah, that all goes together.
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Sunday, April 4, 2010
Project Runway: Don't Disappoint Heidi - Even Though You're Disappointing Me
Oh Heidi. Conjuring up images of Paris Hilton or J.Lo or Sarah Jessica, only to come into the workroom yourself? So sneaky. But why do I get the feeling this episode is going suck?
BANGS JR: What? Are you kidding me? This isn't the type of thing that happens when we're down to the final six. And this isn't the type of thing that happens at the beginning of an episode. I'm as flabbergasted as the designers. (But that's no reason for NeckStar to tell me to f*ck off. Rude.)
SIDEBAR #1: Suzanne's back! (Although his quotation from Gypsy was misplaced - Mama Rose you are not, Suzanne.)
SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Wow...that's...ugly. I can't believe you waited till 11:30 to start a new dress. Then again, I can't believe you went for the cutout fabric plan...again. Come on dude, the judges don't like it. They're not taken by the detailing. They're taken by your complete lack of taste.
IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD (AND YOUR OBNOXIOUS LISP): Ha! I love Nina's complete deadeye look while your dress was on the runway. Yeah, you might keep winning challenges, but I guarantee that she's fighting against you every single week.
SIDEBAR #2: Jessica Alba is really lame. I bet she was supposed to be the celebrity model, but then Heidi decided she was too boring. Because she is. She just wanted a free dress.
FLOPS McCUTOFF: Did you listen to what you just said? You like to accentuate a woman's ass? I can already hear Heidi complaining about this. Come on, dude.
COLORBLOCK BANGS: Oh Colorblock. Did you hear Nina? She chose to use your dress for a call back to Bravo. That doesn't bode well for you. Neither does the fact that you design the same type of dress every week. Then again, Leanne always had those weird floppy things on all of her dresses and they gave her to prize. Oh well.
SIDEBAR #3: Is anyone else bored? I am.
NECKSTAR: Eh.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: Woo! Not enough talking this week, but it was an awesome dress. Good for you! You're clearly bucking for the Chris March Fan Favorite prize.
NEXT WEEK: Crazy Crotch, Snooze and a Big Blue Condom. Either things get more exciting next week, or else the producers are just trying to make sure I don't jump off the bandwagon like I did last year. Tell you what - stop making IYHBEFYH(AYOL) win and that will help.
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BANGS JR: What? Are you kidding me? This isn't the type of thing that happens when we're down to the final six. And this isn't the type of thing that happens at the beginning of an episode. I'm as flabbergasted as the designers. (But that's no reason for NeckStar to tell me to f*ck off. Rude.)
SIDEBAR #1: Suzanne's back! (Although his quotation from Gypsy was misplaced - Mama Rose you are not, Suzanne.)
SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Wow...that's...ugly. I can't believe you waited till 11:30 to start a new dress. Then again, I can't believe you went for the cutout fabric plan...again. Come on dude, the judges don't like it. They're not taken by the detailing. They're taken by your complete lack of taste.
IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD (AND YOUR OBNOXIOUS LISP): Ha! I love Nina's complete deadeye look while your dress was on the runway. Yeah, you might keep winning challenges, but I guarantee that she's fighting against you every single week.
SIDEBAR #2: Jessica Alba is really lame. I bet she was supposed to be the celebrity model, but then Heidi decided she was too boring. Because she is. She just wanted a free dress.
FLOPS McCUTOFF: Did you listen to what you just said? You like to accentuate a woman's ass? I can already hear Heidi complaining about this. Come on, dude.
COLORBLOCK BANGS: Oh Colorblock. Did you hear Nina? She chose to use your dress for a call back to Bravo. That doesn't bode well for you. Neither does the fact that you design the same type of dress every week. Then again, Leanne always had those weird floppy things on all of her dresses and they gave her to prize. Oh well.
SIDEBAR #3: Is anyone else bored? I am.
NECKSTAR: Eh.
SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: Woo! Not enough talking this week, but it was an awesome dress. Good for you! You're clearly bucking for the Chris March Fan Favorite prize.
NEXT WEEK: Crazy Crotch, Snooze and a Big Blue Condom. Either things get more exciting next week, or else the producers are just trying to make sure I don't jump off the bandwagon like I did last year. Tell you what - stop making IYHBEFYH(AYOL) win and that will help.
Continue Reading
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